A story I've been trying to write.

[Father Heathen]

Apes in The Aether: Chapter I | Authspot

Having writers block with the next chapter.

 

[dawny0826]

Whispers...

I could help you, if you clue me in on what you have in mind for future Chapters...

(kiss)

 

[Father Heathen]

Whispers...

I could help you, if you clue me in on what you have in mind for future Chapters...

(kiss)

Don't wanna spoil the story, baby.

 

[Father Heathen]

Apes in The Aether: Chapter Two | Authspot

 

[Koldo]

He never knew my father and his grandparents refused to speak of him.

After about a minute or two he regained my composure and continued his trek towards the bridge.

Small fixes here. I suppose you mean to say 'his' in both cases.
I suspect you are projecting yourself on Jeremiah, right?

It is interesting, i will keep on reading.

EDIT:

Spoiler: Chapter 2

Oh my. It is Venom!

 

[Father Heathen]

Small fixes here. I suppose you mean to say 'his' in both cases.
I suspect you are projecting yourself on Jeremiah, right?

Damn it. No, originally it was told from the first person perspective, then I went back and changed it. I guess I overlooked these bits. I just went and fixed them. Thanks for pointing them out.

As for your "spoiler", no similarities were intended, especially since I'm not very familiar with it.

 

[Koldo]

Damn it. No, originally it was told from the first person perspective, then I went back and changed it. I guess I overlooked these bits. I just went and fixed them. Thanks for pointing them out.

Also, in case you have not noticed it yet, the first paragraph in chapter 2 appears twice.

 

[Father Heathen]

Also, in case you have not noticed it yet, the first paragraph in chapter 2 appears twice.

Yeah, that error is on Triond's end. I just checked the document I originally submitted and that wasn't the case with that. Went and fixed that, too.

Thanks.

 

[Father Heathen]

Apes in The Aether: Chapter Three | Authspot

Here's chapter three. Feedback welcomed.

 

[dawny0826]

It's a great story, love! I look forward to finding out where you take it.

 

[Father Heathen]

It's a great story, love! I look forward to finding out where you take it.

Thanks, baby.

 

[Koldo]

Apes in The Aether: Chapter Three | Authspot

Here's chapter three. Feedback welcomed.

I have three things to say.

The first one is that chapter 3 simply feels rushed. Chapter 1 and 2 are like suspense with a tad of horror, which means few events take place but much value is placed on them. However in chapter 3, many events take place and a low value is placed on them. The change of pace is considerable and it feels like you just wanted to get over with Jeremiah completely to move on with another part of the story. This took me by surprise because nearly everything that i got to experience in the story was through Jeremiah's lenses. Ever since the end of the first part of chapter 1, i became an spectator of Jeremiah, while in chapter 3, i was suddenly changed to a spectator of multiple events. I have no doubt you could have written several chapters instead of a single chapter (#3), and you may eventually want to do this once you finish the story.

The second thing i have to say is that after reading the three chapters it feels like the story is ignoring that Jeremiah is a kid "who unfortunately was born disfigured with various health problems". There is no mention of this condition posing any sort of problem to him at all. It is almost as if he wasn't disfigured at all.

The third thing is that I look forward to what is going to happen next.

 

[Father Heathen]

I have three things to say.

The first one is that chapter 3 simply feels rushed. Chapter 1 and 2 are like suspense with a tad of horror, which means few events take place but much value is placed on them. However in chapter 3, many events take place and a low value is placed on them. The change of pace is considerable and it feels like you just wanted to get over with Jeremiah completely to move on with another part of the story. This took me by surprise because nearly everything that i got to experience in the story was through Jeremiah's lenses. Ever since the end of the first part of chapter 1, i became an spectator of Jeremiah, while in chapter 3, i was suddenly changed to a spectator of multiple events. I have no doubt you could have written several chapters instead of a single chapter (#3), and you may eventually want to do this once you finish the story.

I did change up the pace once the events at the house concluded, as that scene intended as the introductory. At that point I wanted to transition the focus onto Thistledale Lodge (which most of the story will revolve around). The details of Jeremiah's hijinks between then and now won't have much to do with the rest of the story, which was why their mention was brief. That's not to say there won't be "flashbacks" when it comes relevant to parts of the story. That aside, I admit I might've been a bit impatient and hasty to move forward and could've went into more detail with a few things. I'll take your points into consideration for future reference.

The second thing i have to say is that after reading the three chapters it feels like the story is ignoring that Jeremiah is a kid "who unfortunately was born disfigured with various health problems". There is no mention of this condition posing any sort of problem to him at all. It is almost as if he wasn't disfigured at all.

Those details were mentioned in passing as a descriptive. It was just to help the reader paint an image of the character in their head; his appearance, his life, his origin, etc. I just left the details up to the readers imagination. I guess there was nothing particularly debilitating to the extent that it directly impacted the events as they unfolded. It was just so the reader knew there was something wrong with the kid, but not to the extent that he was like Sloth from the Goonies. Looking back there was a lot I could've flesh out and clarified better.

The third thing is that I look forward to what is going to happen next.

Thanks again for reading. I appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback. It's very much valued and appreciated.

 

[Father Heathen]

Shameless bump.

 

[Sunstone]

Chapter 3 -- I like the writing style. It's fast paced and doesn't waste my time. Also, you do a good job keeping the reader asking what's going to happen next.

 

[Father Heathen]

Chapter 3 -- I like the writing style. It's fast paced and doesn't waste my time. Also, you do a good job keeping the reader asking what's going to happen next.

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. Are there any particular areas you think could use improvement?