Howdy folks! When I first came here a few years ago, I was immediately obsessed and stimulated by the debate. I was living with my "husband" ( not a state recognized union), a Muslim and had changed so much in my life to accommodate my relationship and my desire for clarity. So I wore the hijab for a couple of years, begrudgingly. I studied and communed with the faithful, never feeling worthy or good and so deeply depressed I could hardly stand it.
So I get invited down south with a relative for a quick weekend of R an R in the sun, something I truly love SUNSHINE. But now that has lost its appeal because I can no longer embrace the warmth and glow and essential vitamin D. I'm covered head to toe. Then the idea of getting on a plane , going through airport security and hanging out in a rural GA town all covered up was too much. So my ex is to take me to the airport... I come down stairs with..... are you ready?..... MY HAIR EXPOSED!
He didn't freak out but was certainly upset. Long story short I could never manage to get a hijab back on and my doubts and longing for mental health and clarity and to no longer be depressed so over took me and our relationship ( which was all the while abusive and dysfunctional anyway).
I took my kids, left everything and moved to a much nicer town and became myself again. I have friends once more( so many didn't know what to do with the new me back then)
I'm happy, the kids are happy and I am completely uncertain spiritually.
***** so I was scared, like I have always been when it comes to religion/faith... Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I heading to Hell? Why can't I do this?. So I decided, I can not get any real confirmation on the truth and far to much is wrong with any thing I have thought thus far so I have a choice. I can "not know" and be scared, miserable and depressed, or " not know" and live hoping that if we are the creation of a great designer, if we are the manifestation of one capable of manifesting, than perhaps that creator knows me, my intentions, my pain and has no Hell agenda in store.
I am grateful for my time in the Muslim community to experience these people and put to bed so many of the irrational, hurtful , bigoted and down right unfair perceptions of them. I felt all the same warmth and love and sense of community as I did when I was church girl. The differences are so insignificant from the perspective of community(detailed dogma aside).
So here I am back to REF. Hoping to talk some more from where I sit now. Unsure but still happier. Anyone miss me?
So I get invited down south with a relative for a quick weekend of R an R in the sun, something I truly love SUNSHINE. But now that has lost its appeal because I can no longer embrace the warmth and glow and essential vitamin D. I'm covered head to toe. Then the idea of getting on a plane , going through airport security and hanging out in a rural GA town all covered up was too much. So my ex is to take me to the airport... I come down stairs with..... are you ready?..... MY HAIR EXPOSED!
He didn't freak out but was certainly upset. Long story short I could never manage to get a hijab back on and my doubts and longing for mental health and clarity and to no longer be depressed so over took me and our relationship ( which was all the while abusive and dysfunctional anyway).
I took my kids, left everything and moved to a much nicer town and became myself again. I have friends once more( so many didn't know what to do with the new me back then)
I'm happy, the kids are happy and I am completely uncertain spiritually.
***** so I was scared, like I have always been when it comes to religion/faith... Am I doing the wrong thing? Am I heading to Hell? Why can't I do this?. So I decided, I can not get any real confirmation on the truth and far to much is wrong with any thing I have thought thus far so I have a choice. I can "not know" and be scared, miserable and depressed, or " not know" and live hoping that if we are the creation of a great designer, if we are the manifestation of one capable of manifesting, than perhaps that creator knows me, my intentions, my pain and has no Hell agenda in store.
I am grateful for my time in the Muslim community to experience these people and put to bed so many of the irrational, hurtful , bigoted and down right unfair perceptions of them. I felt all the same warmth and love and sense of community as I did when I was church girl. The differences are so insignificant from the perspective of community(detailed dogma aside).
So here I am back to REF. Hoping to talk some more from where I sit now. Unsure but still happier. Anyone miss me?
