A Rather Risky Black Mass

[jasonwill2]

May 20th is the day I admitted I was a Satanist, after denying the realization for at least 4 months (It could of went back further but I can't find any written record of me writing about it otherwise, I keep lots of pen and paper and electronic ramblings). I have been thinking that perhaps I should do something to mark the anniversary.

I have considered many things, dedicating my soul to Satan for at least another year, doing some big ritual, just praising Satan on that day, treating it like a holiday, ect ect. Then I realized something even more sinister. If anyone remembers the topic I had about me going to xtian churches they might recall how I said that I wanted to yell how I was proud to be a Satanist and all, and that I actually went out and did that as a form of psychodrama. This stems from something I never finished. When I Renounced the Christian Trinity, my original plan was to essentially do what I am going to say below, but I never did. So now that this opportunity has opened again in a spectacular way, I feel compelled to finish what I started nearly half a year ago: I want to do this Renunciation the Way I originally intended: with an audience of hardened Christians.

Now understand this isn't about attention. This is about fear, and me getting over it. I can barely say "I'm a Satanist" without a very shaky fear of what might happen. Realistically I doubt people will come burn down my house for this, even though a couple people know where my house is (they dropped me off a couple of times). But knowing both of those people they are the least likely to engage in violence. Of all the people I know there actually, I can't say that any would be prone to doing anything, meaning that I don't see a terrible amount of danger of my house being burnt down for this. Then again, I will prepare afterwards for the worst case scenario in terms of my safety. I actually, do to how the circumstances have played out, doubt that the forces at hand nudging me down this path spiritually and mundanely speaking would do so without knowing that it's worth it. Let me rephrase that. The number of coincidences that have been working over the last few months make this situation so inherently desirable and do-able that it must mean that this will be worth it.\

Currently, the Youth Pastor there and the actual Pastor know I'm a Satanist. I was there a bit ago again since they give out free donuts every other week, and noticed that they have a baptismal service on the 20th. Perfect. Also when I talked to the Youth Pastor last (and the time before) he thought that "God" was working on my heart. Actually he didn't know I was a Satanist until about two weeks ago... hmm. Anyway, so the seeds are planted and I'm a good actor so to speak with all of this, they read into things what they want, so this is all so working for me.

So I plan to come to him either later today (Wed.) or Sunday morning and tell him that I thought about what all was said, give some random verse that I will claim to have "spoke" to me, and I will then say that I re-confessed the name of Jesus and have come back to the flock! And then I will proceed to say that I want to re-baptized to mark my new dedication to "God"!

So when the 20th comes around, I will ask that right before I get baptized as i stand up there if I can give a testimonial about how Satan entered my life and how I came back to Jesus. They will eat it up! They are Baptists after all! I'll mention how God has a sense of humor as that will be the one year anniversary of when I "fully left God for Satan" and a bunch of half-truths. So then I will get a point of telling the real story, blah blah Satan was gonna make my life better, ect ect, then I will abruptly break from that and declare them all fools and then say that I am still a Satanist and proud and that Satan is the true god and life incarnate, then I will scream shemhamforash hail Satan hail leviathan praise sin and all that jazz then declare that I shall be dedicating my soul to Satan when i get home, then skip on out home and do just that!

I imagine that when I do this my heart-rate will be through the roof and that the very act of doing all this will be enough to throw me into a gnosis-like state. I will probably be shaking and having insane heart-palpitations and might even convulse in nervousness... but that is the point... to get that all out of my system. Even fantasizing about it is scary and somewhat upsetting in a very deep way... I will have to just swallow it and let the very essence of Satan take over as I voice the words.

I swear I will probably feel so powerful because of the transformation that this will bring that I will probably feel like god himself as he echoes within my flesh.

So uhh... bad idea? Good idea? Any suggestions on precautions I can take either before or after? I really want to do this and get all this fear and inhibition out of me. This might finally be the way, even if dramatic.

 

[HerDotness]

Very, very bad idea, I'd say.

Why would you even consider this at all the thing to do when you know what their reactions will be? What merit is there in playacting that you've seen the error of your ways other than to insult them and get some kind of really sad revenge?

Fantasize it all you like and experience the exultation that way, but I think you are setting out to do something extremely offensive and possibly quite dangerous if you carry through. Do you really want to take the risk that there's someone in the assembled group who decides that God wants you taught a lesson by beating or even killing you?

 

[1137]

I can't even imagine the point behind this. Who cares if people know, who cares what they think, why do you need to say it out loud? I think you are far too obsessed with what is external when what matters is internal. There is absolutely no need to go scare a bunch of already pathetic and useless people. They aren't even worth the thought! As for dedicating your soul to Satan, I doubt Satan would be happy about you going out and making him (and us) look even worse. If you are going to go around or to church to announce this, start dressing nicer. Keep semi groomed, wear a nice shirt, hold the door for people, etc etc etc. It is the christian perspective that Satan is dark, weak minded, etc. Prove them WRONG, not correct. I deeply enjoy the looks of people who interact with me when my pentagram falls out of my over shirt and they realize we LHPers can be mature, intelligent, unique, good people.

 

[Infinitum]

I'll be frank here. Although I agree that you need to free yourself from your fear and emotional ties to Christianity, I strongly doubt this is the right way to do it. You are mixing up your personal feelings with those you've had in the community. You should be opposing yourself, not an outside force. You are projecting your problems into the Baptist groups. You are a separate being. As long as you try to work yourself out using the Baptists you'll find yourself running in circles and soon finding yourself back where you started. That's how it went for me and I know that's how it goes for the majority of people.

Do you honestly think making them believe you've reconverted and then telling them you lied is something you do only for personal reasons? I'm not interested in whether you think it's right or not, but I really advice you to think through why you want to do this particular thing. Does it actually give you something that you aren't able to get much easier?

My suggestion is this: take the day to ceremoniously dedicating yourself to Yourself. Pick a calm place, go through your entire past, all the people you've met, all the emotions you've had and then let it all go. And I mean all of it. Then, as a new and free person, promise yourself to always be faithful to your true (Satanic) nature and start the new year as a new being. Then spend the coming months thinking what you actually want to do with your life, what things are important to you and what you can do to gain a better sense of empowerment.

Then after a year, perhaps two, you can walk into whatever church or congregration without even blinking an eye. You'll be able to laugh at them and your old fears, but the secret is in that it can't touch you anymore.

 

[jasonwill2]

Very, very bad idea, I'd say.

Why would you even consider this at all the thing to do when you know what their reactions will be? What merit is there in playacting that you've seen the error of your ways other than to insult them and get some kind of really sad revenge?

Fantasize it all you like and experience the exultation that way, but I think you are setting out to do something extremely offensive and possibly quite dangerous if you carry through. Do you really want to take the risk that there's someone in the assembled group who decides that God wants you taught a lesson by beating or even killing you?

Revenge? These people havn't hurt me, I just want to do this for me. Kill me? Group Psychology says that most people will just sit there and not know what to do... that or become a mob. Either way I am prepared and will have Satan with me. Also I doubt such weak-willed people would just mob me, so I'd probably be fine.

I can't even imagine the point behind this. Who cares if people know, who cares what they think, why do you need to say it out loud? I think you are far too obsessed with what is external when what matters is internal. There is absolutely no need to go scare a bunch of already pathetic and useless people. They aren't even worth the thought! As for dedicating your soul to Satan, I doubt Satan would be happy about you going out and making him (and us) look even worse. If you are going to go around or to church to announce this, start dressing nicer. Keep semi groomed, wear a nice shirt, hold the door for people, etc etc etc. It is the christian perspective that Satan is dark, weak minded, etc. Prove them WRONG, not correct. I deeply enjoy the looks of people who interact with me when my pentagram falls out of my over shirt and they realize we LHPers can be mature, intelligent, unique, good people.

It's not about what they think or feel or whatever, I could care less. This is all about me and me getting over my own fear. I don't believe I should live in fear and shake and have heart palipatiations every time I overhear people or talk to people about religion because I can't be open and honest about what I believe. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage and unable to truly speak because I am afraid to even say "I am a Satanist" when others are around.

Imagine the liberating feeling of someone in this case saying this to one random person on the street, that would be great. Multiply that by about 200-500 and imagine what that would be like for me internally... it would be, and will be, mind blowing and life-changing.

For a lack of a better word it would be a massive moment of self-transformation, a.k.a. Xeper.

 

[jasonwill2]

I'll be frank here. Although I agree that you need to free yourself from your fear and emotional ties to Christianity, I strongly doubt this is the right way to do it. You are mixing up your personal feelings with those you've had in the community. You should be opposing yourself, not an outside force. You are projecting your problems into the Baptist groups. You are a separate being. As long as you try to work yourself out using the Baptists you'll find yourself running in circles and soon finding yourself back where you started. That's how it went for me and I know that's how it goes for the majority of people.

Do you honestly think making them believe you've reconverted and then telling them you lied is something you do only for personal reasons? I'm not interested in whether you think it's right or not, but I really advice you to think through why you want to do this particular thing. Does it actually give you something that you aren't able to get much easier?

Actually using them as tools to strength my own faith works quite well. Everytime I walk out of a room after talking to that Youth Pastor is the moment I feel the most sure about my beliefs. The utter nonsense he says about anything from Biblical things to Creationism just makes me more sure how much more sane my beliefs are.

Also it is about me. My main personal problems with Christianity didn't come with Baptists but with Pentecostals. So perhaps I am venting via proxy that Christian "Highschool" I went to, but in time I will do the same thing there. In a way this is working towards the greater goal.

Why I want to do it? A form of Psychodrama of course. Obviously if I can gut saying it to a few hundred people I won't have this problem when talking to even one person later. The rush itself should be enough justification, but the freeing of my fear-filled inhibitions will be the best part.

My suggestion is this: take the day to ceremoniously dedicating yourself to Yourself. Pick a calm place, go through your entire past, all the people you've met, all the emotions you've had and then let it all go. And I mean all of it. Then, as a new and free person, promise yourself to always be faithful to your true (Satanic) nature and start the new year as a new being. Then spend the coming months thinking what you actually want to do with your life, what things are important to you and what you can do to gain a better sense of empowerment.

Then after a year, perhaps two, you can walk into whatever church or congregration without even blinking an eye. You'll be able to laugh at them and your old fears, but the secret is in that it can't touch you anymore.

If I let go of everything I lose my source of power. Also Satanic, as in of Satan, means "of adversary" by definition. Why shouldn't I be confrontational in this manner? It is the literal definition if Satanic.

 

[HerDotness]

I can't even imagine the point behind this. Who cares if people know, who cares what they think, why do you need to say it out loud? I think you are far too obsessed with what is external when what matters is internal. There is absolutely no need to go scare a bunch of already pathetic and useless people. They aren't even worth the thought! As for dedicating your soul to Satan, I doubt Satan would be happy about you going out and making him (and us) look even worse. If you are going to go around or to church to announce this, start dressing nicer. Keep semi groomed, wear a nice shirt, hold the door for people, etc etc etc. It is the christian perspective that Satan is dark, weak minded, etc. Prove them WRONG, not correct. I deeply enjoy the looks of people who interact with me when my pentagram falls out of my over shirt and they realize we LHPers can be mature, intelligent, unique, good people.

What Doors said...and then some! Especially the part I've underlined if you really feel you must keep hanging out at this church.

Why you're still having what seem to be regular talks with the youth pastor is beyond me.

 

[jasonwill2]

What Doors said...and then some! Especially the part I've underlined if you really feel you must keep hanging out at this church.

Why you're still having what seem to be regular talks with the youth pastor is beyond me.

Because I think it's hilarious and absurd what he says.

edit: for example things like "evolution and atheism is a religion" and "religon doesn't need dogma, rites, cermonies, it just needs a belief" and "I'm not a religious person, I don't believe in religion, I have a relationship with God not a religion"

and lots of other stuff I can't be bothered to say. Oh ya nothing he has ever seen contradicts the Bible and YEC stuffs. I swear nothing makes me more sure of my faith then hearing the utter nonsense of him rambling on. It's actually quite scary that he mentors kids.

 

[Infinitum]

Actually using them as tools to strength my own faith works quite well. Everytime I walk out of a room after talking to that Youth Pastor is the moment I feel the most sure about my beliefs. The utter nonsense he says about anything from Biblical things to Creationism just makes me more sure how much more sane my beliefs are.

I know the feeling, but at the same time I think many times there's also a counterreaction involved. The mind thinks when hearing biblical things: "oh, I used to believe that. I don't want to believe that! Why was I so stupid that I believed that?" It's basic psychology. The harder you oppose something, the more likely it's that you have some emotional ties to it. The healthy response for most people is "why do I care?"

Also it is about me. My main personal problems with Christianity didn't come with Baptists but with Pentecostals. So perhaps I am venting via proxy that Christian "Highschool" I went to, but in time I will do the same thing there. In a way this is working towards the greater goal.

Why I want to do it? A form of Psychodrama of course. Obviously if I can gut saying it to a few hundred people I won't have this problem when talking to even one person later. The rush itself should be enough justification, but the freeing of my fear-filled inhibitions will be the best part. I might even work-up enough energy to essentially hex the entire crowd, which would please me so much more. Though they wouldn't know what I was doing at the time.

As I (and the others) tried to say in the previous post, I think this is entirely unnecessary. It might sound like fun, but I honestly don't think it's the thing for you. It's psychodrama, but the emotional forces you are drawing from are mainly negative. It would be different if positive emotions would be involved (which, in my experience, there isn't).

If I let go of everything I lose my source of power. Also Satanic, as in of Satan, means "of adversary" by definition. Why shouldn't I be confrontational in this manner? It is the literal definition if Satanic.

Opposing things is just the outer form of being Satanic. Satanism includes is also the carnal, the dark, the things we fear. Hey, you know that all already. The thing is I don't think you'll lose your source of power. I think right now it controls you and not the other way around, and that what needs to be changed. Also being the adversary doesn't always need to be directed towards someone else. You have to be able to be just as ruthless to yourself too.

 

[HerDotness]

Because I think it's hilarious and absurd what he says.

edit: for example things like "evolution and atheism is a religion" and "religon doesn't need dogma, rites, cermonies, it just needs a belief" and "I'm not a religious person, I don't believe in religion, I have a relationship with God not a religion"

and lots of other stuff I can't be bothered to say. Oh ya nothing he has ever seen contradicts the Bible and YEC stuffs. I swear nothing makes me more sure of my faith then hearing the utter nonsense of him rambling on. It's actually quite scary that he mentors kids.

Hoo, boyee!

 

[jasonwill2]

As per what Doors said earlier, I dress typically in a solid colored shirt and blue jeans and go after a bath, so I don't look that bad usually except maybe my hair is kinda long, which is part of a personal oath so I can't cut it. Otherwise I think I look like an average young adult.

I know the feeling, but at the same time I think many times there's also a counterreaction involved. The mind thinks when hearing biblical things: "oh, I used to believe that. I don't want to believe that! Why was I so stupid that I believed that?" It's basic psychology. The harder you oppose something, the more likely it's that you have some emotional ties to it. The healthy response for most people is "why do I care?"

Because I'm tired of hearing Christians go on about Jesus in real life but I can't even think of saying the word "Satan" without my heart-rate doubling.

As I (and the others) tried to say in the previous post, I think this is entirely unnecessary. It might sound like fun, but I honestly don't think it's the thing for you. It's psychodrama, but the emotional forces you are drawing from are mainly negative. It would be different if positive emotions would be involved (which, in my experience, there isn't).

Of course it's negative, that's part of the fun.

Opposing things is just the outer form of being Satanic. Satanism includes is also the carnal, the dark, the things we fear. Hey, you know that all already. The thing is I don't think you'll lose your source of power. I think right now it controls you and not the other way around, and that what needs to be changed. Also being the adversary doesn't always need to be directed towards someone else. You have to be able to be just as ruthless to yourself too.

Of course it controls me, I'm an animal. Can I help the way I feel? Not really. I have more pain, rage, and aggression than most people can handle. There is no way I am going to get rid of all this. And part of me doesn't want to. I'm addicted to the aggression now because it's the only thing I can feel that isn't utter misery. I don't feel loved and not even my dog will jump in my face or cuddle with me. He just stares at me and barks when he wants something and isn't that affectionate so all I do is sit alone at home and fantasize about talking to people or what I will say to people when I see them next. It's quite sad so I turn to rage and aggression and revel in it as it's either that or self-destruction.

I'm an animal, nothing more nothing less, I exist without purpose but to try and become the master of the animal. But in many ways being an animal and wondering around is much easier and more appealing. Perhaps I cannot escape my nature. Perhaps I am destined to die not a god, but as a simple shimmer to give-way for something greater. IDK I really don't care I just live in the moment to escape the realization of how I am wasting my life.

Wow I really need to externalize that to say it without getting upset...

Ave Satana.

Hoo, boyee!

Yes, it is quite scary. Then again I bet it would be really easy to use lesser magic on him due to his preconceptions.

 

[Infinitum]

Deleted Post

Would you mind not sidetracking DIR threads with questions like that? If you're interested in debating or just telling your differing opinion, I'm sure we can sort that out somewhere else.

 

[Infinitum]

As per what Doors said earlier, I dress typically in a solid colored shirt and blue jeans and go after a bath, so I don't look that bad usually except maybe my hair is kinda long, which is part of a personal oath so I can't cut it. Otherwise I think I look like an average young adult.

Because I'm tired of hearing Christians go on about Jesus in real life but I can't even think of saying the word "Satan" without my heart-rate doubling.

People get constantly tired of things around them. Heard too much talk about Twilight? Ignore it. Not care about politics? Forget it existed. If you tire of listening to people, make them change subject. If they try to impose their beliefs on you, tell them that you're a non-believer and that you dislike their attitude towards you. If someone scorns you, ask them to stop. If they don't, destroy them. But yelling on the streets (figuratively speaking) isn't going to do the trick. Facts are more poweful than fanaticism. (And people take you more seriously, which is what all magicians want.)

Of course it's negative, that's part of the fun.

It's counterproductive, that's what is it. Dwelling in negative feelings isn't what Self Becoming is about. It's simply a circle without an end.

Of course it controls me, I'm an animal. Can I help the way I feel? Not really. I have more pain, rage, and aggression than most people can handle. There is no way I am going to get rid of all this. And part of me doesn't want to. I'm addicted to the aggression now because it's the only thing I can feel that isn't utter misery. I don't feel loved and not even my dog will jump in my face or cuddle with me. He just stares at me and barks when he wants something and isn't that affectionate so all I do is sit alone at home and fantasize about talking to people or what I will say to people when I see them next. It's quite sad so I turn to rage and aggression and revel in it as it's either that or self-destruction.

I'm an animal, nothing more nothing less, I exist without purpose but to try and become the master of the animal. But in many ways being an animal and wondering around is much easier and more appealing. Perhaps I cannot escape my nature. Perhaps I am destined to die not a god, but as a simple shimmer to give-way for something greater. IDK I really don't care I just live in the moment to escape the realization of how I am wasting my life.

Wow I really need to externalize that to say it without getting upset...

Ave Satana.

It doesn't need to control you. You can gain so much more power from rising above it instead of just letting it throw you around on a whim. You aren't the first to be addicted to aggression or the sense of destruction, but recognizing it as a phase and turning the flame of it into something you're actually able to use is simply a must. Do you really think you're ever going to be able to use emotion as a form of gnosis, if it simply takes over you? In it's present form it has very little true purpose outside of making you feel you're alive.

 

[HerDotness]

Ummm, jasonwill, when I replied thus,

Hoo, boyee!

I was attempting to indicate that you don't appear at all inclined to do the mature and sensible thing and figure out why you continue to associate with these people and why that association seems to obsess you so. (And no, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that what you've said here indicates an unhealthy fixation that might well be obsession.)

I honestly think some counseling could help you if you truly feel as unloved as you indicate and weren't just joking that your dog doesn't even satisfy your need for someone to relate to you directly and affectionately. That you would say the following and appear to mean it DOES scare me!

Of course it controls me, I'm an animal. Can I help the way I feel? Not really. I have more pain, rage, and aggression than most people can handle. There is no way I am going to get rid of all this. And part of me doesn't want to. I'm addicted to the aggression now because it's the only thing I can feel that isn't utter misery. I don't feel loved and not even my dog will jump in my face or cuddle with me. He just stares at me and barks when he wants something and isn't that affectionate so all I do is sit alone at home and fantasize about talking to people or what I will say to people when I see them next. It's quite sad so I turn to rage and aggression and revel in it as it's either that or self-destruction.

Please, please look into getting some mental health help.

Christians aren't scary unless they are organized so effectively and powerfully as to elect politicians who then change laws to oppress non-Christians and non-believers. They're just stuck in a lockdown mindset. You aren't going to change that mindset at all by your proclaiming Satan at the baptism, and I think you know that.

From what you've said, these people seem to be doing their little religion thing and thinking they can get through to you and help you "see the light" again as much as you hang out in their ballpark. Your past associations with Christianity are stronger and manipulating you more than you think, or you wouldn't care to be around them anywhere near this much. Going to a wedding or funeral is one thing, presenting yourself regularly at a church that you despise is quite another.

 

[jasonwill2]

Does Satan love you?

Of course he does. He is the vessel and the mirror. Satan is in my flesh and I am his creation. He extends within and without and encompasses anything that lives or breathes. He is the very definition of life... he is life incarnate as well as god incarnate.

If Leviathan is the Incarnation of God in non-living material things, Satan is the incarnation of living material things. Though Satan is also a spirit... I think I need a new name for the spirit part to differentiate between these two Satans... hmmm.

Would you mind not sidetracking DIR threads with questions like that? If you're interested in debating or just telling your differing opinion, I'm sure we can sort that out somewhere else.

She can't help it, we are talking about Christians :sorry1:

People get constantly tired of things around them. Heard too much talk about Twilight? Ignore it. Not care about politics? Forget it existed. If you tire of listening to people, make them change subject. If they try to impose their beliefs on you, tell them that you're a non-believer and that you dislike their attitude towards you. If someone scorns you, ask them to stop. If they don't, destroy them. But yelling on the streets (figuratively speaking) isn't going to do the trick. Facts are more poweful than fanaticism. (And people take you more seriously, which is what all magicians want.)


It's counterproductive, that's what is it. Dwelling in negative feelings isn't what Self Becoming is about. It's simply a circle without an end.


It doesn't need to control you. You can gain so much more power from rising above it instead of just letting it throw you around on a whim. You aren't the first to be addicted to aggression or the sense of destruction, but recognizing it as a phase and turning the flame of it into something you're actually able to use is simply a must. Do you really think you're ever going to be able to use emotion as a form of gnosis, if it simply takes over you? In it's present form it has very little true purpose outside of making you feel you're alive.

RAWR. I have no idea. But I like the idea of destroying people. I will think of socially acceptable ways of doing that.

Animal I am, yay.

This is how I feel about all of this in terms of destruction and rage:

Fists Fall - Otep

No more tears
Stand up to your fears

Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody
Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody

No more tears

I was born to be broken
Calling, gagging, spitting, falling, bleeding, begging vermin
I exist without purpose
Teach me, tell me, push me, hurt me, hit me harder

Fists fall like rain
On my knees, but I'm not afraid
Cowards die everyday
I'll face the attack
Pressed to the wall but fighting back
I'll face the attack
Pressed to the wall but fighting back
I'll face the attack
Pressed to the wall but fighting back

And now that you see me
Do I terrify?

Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody
Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody

No more tears

I am on the brink of destruction
Pushing, pulling, nagging, feeling sweet seduction
I've had enough
Of the lies and the alibis on your lips

Fists fall like rain
On your knees, you look so afraid
Cowards die everyday
I'll face the attack
Pressed to the wall, but fighting back
I'll face the attack
Pressed to the wall, but fighting back
I'll face the attack
Pressed to the wall, but fighting back

And now that you see me
Do I terrify?

Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody
Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody

Standing over me, my body
His fists swollen and bloody
My marks and raw scars
I'm not gonna take it anymore
I'm sick of this ****
Not gonna flinch
If I gotta go down, it'll be swinging
You will see you can't break me
I'm not gonna take it anymore

Keep your knuckles bloody
No more tears
No more fears
Strike the anchors
Use your anger
Defy the master
Break the rules

Keep your pride locked up inside
It belongs to you
They think they're stronger, bigger, better
But they're just jealous cowards
**** what they say
**** what they think
About us

Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody
Keep your voices raised
Keep your knuckles bloody
Cowards

And now that you see me
Now that you see me
Now that you see me
Now that you see me
Are You are terrified?
Are You are terrified?
Are You are terrified?

 

[jasonwill2]

Ummm, jasonwill, when I replied thus,

Hoo, boyee!

I was attempting to indicate that you don't appear at all inclined to do the mature and sensible thing and figure out why you continue to associate with these people and why that association seems to obsess you so. (And no, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that what you've said here indicates an unhealthy fixation that might well be obsession.)

I honestly think some counseling could help you if you truly feel as unloved as you indicate and weren't just joking that your dog doesn't even satisfy your need for someone to relate to you directly and affectionately. That you would say the following and appear to mean it DOES scare me!

Of course it controls me, I'm an animal. Can I help the way I feel? Not really. I have more pain, rage, and aggression than most people can handle. There is no way I am going to get rid of all this. And part of me doesn't want to. I'm addicted to the aggression now because it's the only thing I can feel that isn't utter misery. I don't feel loved and not even my dog will jump in my face or cuddle with me. He just stares at me and barks when he wants something and isn't that affectionate so all I do is sit alone at home and fantasize about talking to people or what I will say to people when I see them next. It's quite sad so I turn to rage and aggression and revel in it as it's either that or self-destruction.

Please, please look into getting some mental health help.

Christians aren't scary unless they are organized so effectively and powerfully as to elect politicians who then change laws to oppress non-Christians and non-believers. They're just stuck in a lockdown mindset. You aren't going to change that mindset at all by your proclaiming Satan at the baptism, and I think you know that.

From what you've said, these people seem to be doing their little religion thing and thinking they can get through to you and help you "see the light" again as much as you hang out in their ballpark. Your past associations with Christianity are stronger and manipulating you more than you think, or you wouldn't care to be around them anywhere near this much. Going to a wedding or funeral is one thing, presenting yourself regularly at a church that you despise is quite another.

You are so lucky my mind was in cruise control and detached to what I was typing at that moment. Looking back on that I'm not sure why I said it. I feel so cynical and dark today.

But if you must know I went down that alley, and what do I got to show for it? Now I get heart palpitations since 17 whenever under extreme physical or social stress. Also I can't afford it I'm unemployed. Heck I can barely get enough to eat daily as it is but have managed. I'm in a limbo state right now and not sure what to do, but I can't afford anything. The fact that I oddly have insurance through my dad until 25 is weird though. God I wish he would help me with college but I'll need to get all the money and/or financial aid myself if I can bother to get all the stuff ready before it starts in the Fall.

I'm probably still going to go through with this.

Also fyi I know my limits, ect ect I have Bipolar and was seeing a shrink but guess what? My Shrink of 5 or 6 years is a Christian fundamentalist, and all the shrinks at that place are Chrisitans... there really isn't a lot of other good places for counseling that i haven't been to in the past after this place, and getting a new shrink would take several sessions to give him my life story. I stopped seeing my current shrink because the more religious I became the more less helpful he became. Sometimes he says "I don't know", and i suspect because he knows he can't give an objective opinion.

 

[Mindmaster]

Because I'm tired of hearing Christians go on about Jesus in real life but I can't even think of saying the word "Satan" without my heart-rate doubling.

Think about why that is so, as it does excite me as well. Again, I am theistic fellow with a great deal of philosophical love for the left-hand path and Satan and demonic forces proper. They've helped me a great deal to cope. I didn't run into this because of vengeance, or fear -- I came to this place because it was the only place I spiritual have ever felt I belong. The darkness was always there and always challenging what I was told -- incessantly gnawing at the bull I was being fed. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and was completely lost, depressive, and self-destructive because I could never fit into the mold and be just like everyone else and it saddened me greatly. I started researching nearly any religion I could read on, and any occult material I could find. That lead to the realization of what I was, but I still had a great hatred of the Christians that were in my life. After reflecting a great deal I realized I didn't really hate them, or even Christianity. In some ways I was mostly mad at myself for swallowing the bull temporarily and trying to play along. This manifested in disrespecting Christianity at any possible turn initially, but then I realized the torment was mostly self-generated. I could feel no appreciation for them mostly because I was always reminded of painful experiences in my life. Nowadays at least philosophically I can tolerate what is good of them, but still find myself walking through some fallout -- I am aware at least that is my damage not really theirs. I could have decided to not get emotional about it in the past and just rationally reject, but I am far from a perfect person even though I strive to be.

Of course it controls me, I'm an animal. Can I help the way I feel? Not really. I have more pain, rage, and aggression than most people can handle. There is no way I am going to get rid of all this. And part of me doesn't want to. I'm addicted to the aggression now because it's the only thing I can feel that isn't utter misery. I don't feel loved and not even my dog will jump in my face or cuddle with me. He just stares at me and barks when he wants something and isn't that affectionate so all I do is sit alone at home and fantasize about talking to people or what I will say to people when I see them next. It's quite sad so I turn to rage and aggression and revel in it as it's either that or self-destruction.

Stop reading LaVey. I don't mean that like an insult but the average person is a whole lot more than an animal. It is natural to hate that which has hurt you, and it took a great deal of time for me to apply my own variant of self-therapy. A process like that blasphemy rite is I had posted is what you want to do -- repeatedly if necessary. You have to understand that to really externalize your problems and confront them may involve more honesty and vulnerability than is normally comfortable to be dealt with in public. There are hurt feelings that need to be addressed and these feelings cannot be dealt with by anyone better than you. You may find yourself in tears at the end of it -- do you really want to be speaking to these fools during such an act? The more emotional and hurt you have been the more likely this cry out time will be, tbh.

Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else so by you spitting on Jehovah in public it will merely make them think you're crazy, or a douche. Neither concept will convince them you're right or make them give a crap. Christianity is about the hive not one lowly worker bee. Likely, you will just end up with a gaggle of retards constantly pestering you about your soul (as if), You probably should rethink this plan. :bat:

 

[jasonwill2]

Think about why that is so, as it does excite me as well. Again, I am theistic fellow with a great deal of philosophical love for the left-hand path and Satan and demonic forces proper. They've helped me a great deal to cope. I didn't run into this because of vengeance, or fear -- I came to this place because it was the only place I spiritual have ever felt I belong. The darkness was always there and always challenging what I was told -- incessantly gnawing at the bull I was being fed. I never felt like I belonged anywhere and was completely lost, depressive, and self-destructive because I could never fit into the mold and be just like everyone else and it saddened me greatly. I started researching nearly any religion I could read on, and any occult material I could find. That lead to the realization of what I was, but I still had a great hatred of the Christians that were in my life. After reflecting a great deal I realized I didn't really hate them, or even Christianity. In some ways I was mostly mad at myself for swallowing the bull temporarily and trying to play along. This manifested in disrespecting Christianity at any possible turn initially, but then I realized the torment was mostly self-generated. I could feel no appreciation for them mostly because I was always reminded of painful experiences in my life. Nowadays at least philosophically I can tolerate what is good of them, but still find myself walking through some fallout -- I am aware at least that is my damage not really theirs. I could have decided to not get emotional about it in the past and just rationally reject, but I am far from a perfect person even though I strive to be.



Stop reading LaVey. I don't mean that like an insult but the average person is a whole lot more than an animal. It is natural to hate that which has hurt you, and it took a great deal of time for me to apply my own variant of self-therapy. A process like that blasphemy rite is I had posted is what you want to do -- repeatedly if necessary. You have to understand that to really externalize your problems and confront them may involve more honesty and vulnerability than is normally comfortable to be dealt with in public. There are hurt feelings that need to be addressed and these feelings cannot be dealt with by anyone better than you. You may find yourself in tears at the end of it -- do you really want to be speaking to these fools during such an act? The more emotional and hurt you have been the more likely this cry out time will be, tbh.

Everyone thinks they're better than everyone else so by you spitting on Jehovah in public it will merely make them think you're crazy, or a douche. Neither concept will convince them you're right or make them give a crap. Christianity is about the hive not one lowly worker bee. Likely, you will just end up with a gaggle of retards constantly pestering you about your soul (as if), You probably should rethink this plan. :bat:

Did you read the lyrics to the song I posted? I don't care what they think, even if I cry. though I'm not going to cry I'm going to be filled with anger probably then pass out or have a heart attack. Not sure which yet.

No, but seriously, I really don't care what they think. And in a sick way when they pester me about my soul and "Satan has deceived you!" it just makes me feel more sure of my beliefs. So what if they think I'm crazy?

Also I am an animal. We all are. People think that's pessimistic but it doesn't have to be, it's just what is. Why not make the most of it?

 

[HerDotness]

You are so lucky my mind was in cruise control and detached to what I was typing at that moment. Looking back on that I'm not sure why I said it. I feel so cynical and dark today.

But if you must know I went down that alley, and what do I got to show for it? Now I get heart palpitations since 17 whenever under extreme physical or social stress. Also I can't afford it I'm unemployed. Heck I can barely get enough to eat daily as it is but have managed. I'm in a limbo state right now and not sure what to do, but I can't afford anything. The fact that I oddly have insurance through my dad until 25 is weird though. God I wish he would help me with college but I'll need to get all the money and/or financial aid myself if I can bother to get all the stuff ready before it starts in the Fall.

I'm probably still going to go through with this.

Also fyi I know my limits, ect ect I have Bipolar and was seeing a shrink but guess what? My Shrink of 5 or 6 years is a Christian fundamentalist, and all the shrinks at that place are Chrisitans... there really isn't a lot of other good places for counseling that i haven't been to in the past after this place, and getting a new shrink would take several sessions to give him my life story. I stopped seeing my current shrink because the more religious I became the more less helpful he became. Sometimes he says "I don't know", and i suspect because he knows he can't give an objective opinion.

There are other sources that won't charge you anything if you can't afford to pay.

For instance, every state offers mental health aid through its social services department. I went that route when I had mental health problems and was charged very little for some immensely helpful sessions that spanned six months all told.

It can be a real trial to find someone who can and will work with you as you are and won't leave you feeling that they disapprove of your essential self or your LHP. That's one reason why occultists need to become more organized and to be more open and vocal about who we are and what we stand for--so that people who are mental health professionals who would know and understand your beliefs wouldn't be afraid of losing their jobs because they are into the so-called dark arts.

Please keep trying to find someone you can work with to help you sort out these feelings. I agree with Mindmaster that self-destructing at the baptism which could easily happen, particularly since you're bipolar, would do you no good at all and might well land you in a padded cell or worse.

 

[Mindmaster]

Did you read the lyrics to the song I posted? I don't care what they think, even if I cry. though I'm not going to cry I'm going to be filled with anger probably then pass out or have a heart attack. Not sure which yet.

No, but seriously, I really don't care what they think. And in a sick way when they pester me about my soul and "Satan has deceived you!" it just makes me feel more sure of my beliefs. So what if they think I'm crazy?

Also I am an animal. We all are. People think that's pessimistic but it doesn't have to be, it's just what is. Why not make the most of it?

You obviously care what they think. Why bother with a public display if this were not so? Are you mad at the whole congregation, the pastors/priests, the whole denomination? Or, are you merely attempting to impress yourself with eviler than thou behavior? You don't have to tell me about what reason fits, but at least figure that out. Some of these courses are worth pursuit and some are completely irrelevant. I would have no problem with personally talking to a pastor or priest and confronting them directly about their lies and bull and informing them that I will no longer be party to their sham. You can write your denominations headquarters and renounce your membership in the church as well if that is the idea. Think actively not symbolically -- symbolism is window dressing and not the meat of the problem. A lot of the emotional difficulties will disappear once you have formally denounced them. Trust me.