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A Poem of Mine for You to Tear Apart

standing_alone

Well-Known Member
Yeah, so it's late, I'm tired, I'm not thinking clearly, and I'm bored, so I thought, "What the heck! I'll post one of my crappy poems to get some 'constructive' criticism." So yeah, I think it'd be cool if you guys could give me some feedback on what I should do to improve my writing - and feel more than free to do it without mercy. I can take it. :D Also, ask any questions about stuff you don't understand or want to know what I intended by. This poem's crap, so I'm sorry to all of you who actually read it. :( (Just for a note: Ranger Hall is the name of the dormatories at my university where I obviously live).

The Ranger Hall Revelation

Sitting on a lonely bench outside Ranger Hall,
Humid, hot October 5, 2005,
I light a cigarette, sick of it all,
Wishing for death, not totally alive;

I watch the paper burn back,
Revealing the cancer within,
I look down at my cigarette pack,
“Lucky Strike,” what truth, what wisdom;

I too want to burn back my paper,
Let loose the pain of my cancer,
Watch the smoke curl like vapor,
Searching for truth, for an answer.

I let the smoke go to my head,
Numb away the turmoil and pain.
Earlier I felt like a phantom,
Knowing only that no one knows my name;

Earlier I knew I was only a shape,
Nothing solid, just some steam.
Now I have this desire to escape,
To make myself come clean.

Now I don’t feel anything,
The smoke icing the heat,
And I watch all the mistakes I’ve made
Suddenly repeat.

I light another cigarette,
So it’s come to this,
I use a substance to forget
The angst that writhes in me.

I’m a coward, I’m afraid,
Too scared to hope for love,
Now I just want to trade
This for the sky above.

I light another, this makes three,
How the third is supposed to be the charm,
But deep down I know I’ll never be free,
Because all I know is self-harm.

I only know how to sabotage
Anything that brings healing,
I live life merely as a mirage,
I’ll never feel my paper peeling;

And so I cower back to my dorm,
A cell amongst everyone else’s paradise.
I hug myself to stay warm,
And crack open another vice.


Sorry for making you go through that. :( Feel free to tear it apart. :D
 

Bishka

Veteran Member
I like it. It makes sense, I don't like those poems that have all these figurative meanings and all that junk. So to me, this was a great poem! I like it.
 

standing_alone

Well-Known Member
I don't like those poems that have all these figurative meanings and all that junk.

Oh, well there is some metaphor and stuff in this that I could go into if you're that interested, but probably not tonight - it's not supposed to be a literal poem. But I'm glad you liked it!
 

d.

_______
standing_alone said:
Yeah, so it's late, I'm tired, I'm not thinking clearly, and I'm bored, so I thought, "What the heck! I'll post one of my crappy poems to get some 'constructive' criticism." So yeah, I think it'd be cool if you guys could give me some feedback on what I should do to improve my writing - and feel more than free to do it without mercy. I can take it. :D Also, ask any questions about stuff you don't understand or want to know what I intended by. This poem's crap, so I'm sorry to all of you who actually read it. :( (Just for a note: Ranger Hall is the name of the dormatories at my university where I obviously live).
Sorry for making you go through that. :( Feel free to tear it apart. :D

no need to be so self-deprecating - your writing doesn't warrant it at all. keep writing!

i'll get back to you with further comments...





 

dawny0826

Mother Heathen
I think the imagery was outstanding because it made me SEE and FEEL.

I could feel the angst and the sadness. I could see and smell the smoke.

I think it's beautiful. I'm glad that it's more metaphor than literal. :)
 

standing_alone

Well-Known Member
Wow, these responses have been way better than I expected them to be! I'm glad people actually are liking this junk. Cool! But does anybody have anything with the construction of the poem itself to criticise? Things that need further work?
 

dawny0826

Mother Heathen
standing_alone said:
Wow, these responses have been way better than I expected them to be! I'm glad people actually are liking this junk. Cool! But does anybody have anything with the construction of the poem itself to criticise? Things that need further work?

I love poetry for the very fact that there really are no rules. It's one of the purest forms of written expression available.

So, my brain has been warped into feeling this way and I can't find any flaws within your poem.

If you've expressed what you wanted to express...than it's complete.
 

standing_alone

Well-Known Member
I love poetry for the very fact that there really are no rules. It's one of the purest forms of written expression available.

I agree.

If you've expressed what you wanted to express...than it's complete.

I've expressed the feeling I want to express, but I think some of the stanzas have an akward rhythm to them and some parts are a bit "jumpy" - some don't seem to transition well.
 

dawny0826

Mother Heathen
standing_alone said:
I agree.



I've expressed the feeling I want to express, but I think some of the stanzas have an akward rhythm to them and some parts are a bit "jumpy" - some don't seem to transition well.

I know I'm not helping...:D

But I thought it transitioned well. (I'm the defense attorney for your poem.)
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
I don't think I can say anything bad about your poem Alyssa....it's quite expressive and made me feel your pain. :( It's very good!

I also liked how 2/3 of the way through you tossed in a non rhyming paragraph....smart way to break up the pattern for a moment.

Overall a worthy effort. Was this an assignment?
 

standing_alone

Well-Known Member
I don't think I can say anything bad about your poem Alyssa....it's quite expressive and made me feel your pain. :( It's very good!

Why, thank you! Oh, and... sorry for making you feel my pain... but then again, that's what us writers do. :D

I also liked how 2/3 of the way through you tossed in a non rhyming paragraph....smart way to break up the pattern for a moment.

That actually wasn't intentional, just couldn't work it to rhyme.:D Also, to be honest, I wrote this poem within an hour - well, I was working on it in my head before I got to my computer, but definately spent less than an hour at the computer typing. This is just the way it ended up. Hasn't been changed since I wrote it October 5th.


Was this an assignment?

Nope. I'm an amateur poet. Oh, and just a plain old writer. I wrote a few short stories and have a novel I'm working on (well, not so much anymore, since I'm losing interest in the novel itself). No published work though - never submitted anything.
 

Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member
Great choice of metaphore! Your work transcends the usual teenage angst poem, I think. I suspect you have talent worth developing. Is there a class or two you can take in poetry?
 

standing_alone

Well-Known Member
Sunstone said:
Great choice of metaphore! Your work transcends the usual teenage angst poem, I think. I suspect you have talent worth developing. Is there a class or two you can take in poetry?

Yes. There are poetry writing classes I can take and I plan on taking at least one (hopefully more) sometime in the future. I do plan on having my English major being concentrated on writing and not so much on literature, so I am confident that I will have some classes that are very strict on writing. My writing needs alot of work and needs much improvement. My current poetry is so terribly amateurish that I'm ashamed of it - which is good, since that further motivates me to go about improving. Thanks for your reply! :)
 
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