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A man is coming onto me, and I need to establish boundaries!

Spiderman

Veteran Member
So, there is this likeable Cambodian immigrant who lives with me who often approaches me and wants to always go on walks with me, interrupt me while I'm praying or meditating or on the computer.

When we went for a walk today he said, "We should hold hands".

I laughed and told him "no, I'm not into holding guys hands".

I actually don't technically know if the man is gay. It seems clear he is at least bisexual, but I don't feel like asking him.

Bottom line is, I know what rejection feels like. It hurts. I don't want to put him through that kind of pain.

But I need to establish healthy boundaries. He keeps talking about how he wants to take me places when we get out.

It does make me uncomfortable.

I do actually have street smarts, and am not naïve. I'm actually quite cynical when it comes to friendly people, and don't trust them.

At the same time, I ask myself "What would Mother Teresa, Buddha, Gandhi, Saint Francis of Assisi, or Jesus do"? I also need to be conscious of not hurting people, and sometimes you have to be nice/charitable, even when being nice has consequences.

I'm sure when people see me hanging out with this guy a lot, they already probably wonder if we are doing something gay. I really could care less what they think.


I feel he is a suffering person and to a certain extent I'm supposed to relieve his suffering to please the Kami, because he says it makes him very happy hanging out with me. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

But I need to establish boundaries as well. Let me know if you have any thoughts. Thanks! :)
 

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
Just be straight (lol) with him and say you're happy to be his friend but his actions are making you uncomfortable and that it's not part of US culture to do so.
 
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Secret Chief

nirvana is samsara
So, there is this likeable Cambodian immigrant who lives with me who often approaches me and wants to always go on walks with me, interrupt me while I'm praying or meditating or on the computer.

When we went for a walk today he said, "We should hold hands".

I laughed and told him "no, I'm not into holding guys hands".

I actually don't technically know if the man is gay. It seems clear he is at least bisexual, but I don't feel like asking him.

Bottom line is, I know what rejection feels like. It hurts. I don't want to put him through that kind of pain.

But I need to establish healthy boundaries. He keeps talking about how he wants to take me places when we get out.

It does make me uncomfortable.

I do actually have street smarts, and am not naïve. I'm actually quite cynical when it comes to friendly people, and don't trust them.

At the same time, I ask myself "What would Mother Teresa, Buddha, Gandhi, Saint Francis of Assisi, or Jesus do"? I also need to be conscious of not hurting people, and sometimes you have to be nice/charitable, even when being nice has consequences.

I'm sure when people see me hanging out with this guy a lot, they already probably wonder if we are doing something gay. I really could care less what they think.


I feel he is a suffering person and to a certain extent I'm supposed to relieve his suffering to please the Kami, because he says it makes him very happy hanging out with me. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

But I need to establish boundaries as well. Let me know if you have any thoughts. Thanks! :)

Just tactfully explain how you feel, and emphasise you want to stay friends. :)
 

Guitar's Cry

Disciple of Pan
Just be straight (lol) with him and say you're happy to be his friend but his actions are making you uncomfortable and that it's not part of US culture to do so.

I'd go with this but would personally leave the "not a part of US culture out" because guys holding hands is becoming a little more common.

Or at least I hope is.
 

JustGeorge

Not As Much Fun As I Look
Staff member
Premium Member
In many cultures, it is normal for men to hold hands, put their arm around each other, and even sit on one another's laps! He may not be coming onto you.

But, its perfectly fine not to be comfortable with that. I wouldn't be. Just try to let him know that this isn't something you're used to in friendships, and you just prefer to not have physical contact with him. You can, as @Rival has said, point out that in this culture, those gestures mean something entirely different(and that could be good for him to know, anyways).
 

Spiderman

Veteran Member
In many cultures, it is normal for men to hold hands, put their arm around each other, and even sit on one another's laps! He may not be coming onto you.

But, its perfectly fine not to be comfortable with that. I wouldn't be. Just try to let him know that this isn't something you're used to in friendships, and you just prefer to not have physical contact with him. You can, as @Rival has said, point out that in this culture, those gestures mean something entirely different(and that could be good for him to know, anyways).
Great points!
 

Spiderman

Veteran Member
Who cares.
I care to the extent that people who demonstrate charity to others are people I want to imitate, insofar as they are relieving suffering in the world.

My goals are to relieve suffering. I was using that question as an example.

Yes, I am aware, Jesus taught some things I disagree with that cause more suffering. I'm the first to object to it, insofar as it isn't charity and mercy that is being preached.
 

syo

Well-Known Member
I feel he is a suffering person
Why do you do that?

I was kind to a girl I've met. The girl took it far and said that we have now bonded. I told her to get lost.

May I ask, what makes people IMAGINE and SUPPOSE THINGS???

Why do you IMAGINE what a persons brain WORKS???

The guy wants to hold hands. You don't. END OF STORY.
 

Spiderman

Veteran Member
Why do you do that?

I was kind to a girl I've met. The girl took it far and said that we have now bonded. I told her to get lost.

May I ask, what makes people IMAGINE and SUPPOSE THINGS???

Why do you IMAGINE what a persons brain WORKS???

The guy wants to hold hands. You don't. END OF STORY.
He is a recovering drug addict in rehab who hasn't been sober very long and he says he is suffering and appears to be... END OF STORY!

And I can see his face change and he looks more happy when we hang out.
 

Guitar's Cry

Disciple of Pan
In many cultures, it is normal for men to hold hands, put their arm around each other, and even sit on one another's laps! He may not be coming onto you.

But, its perfectly fine not to be comfortable with that. I wouldn't be. Just try to let him know that this isn't something you're used to in friendships, and you just prefer to not have physical contact with him. You can, as @Rival has said, point out that in this culture, those gestures mean something entirely different(and that could be good for him to know, anyways).

I just looked it up and apparently Cambodians do hold hands with friends. Cool!
 
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