To have or not to have....

I just found out that the guy that I kissed last night is married. He told me this tonight after we had kissed again and I pressed him about why he seemed so nervous.
He told me that he was completely incompatible with his wife and that the only reason they got married was because she was pregnant. He has now proposed that we have an affair because he cant get divorced because he couldn't handle not seeing his boy. He says he wishes that he were not married so that he would be able to pursue a real relationship with me..... he just wont jeapordize loosing his kid. I really have been falling for this man and I have absolutely no I idea what to do. I offered to let him stay tonight and he said no, stating that we both needed to think. (Which we do). Have any of you experienced something similar to this and what did you do? What is your overall stand on loveless marriages or affairs??

if a man is willing to sneak around on his wife what is to say that he will have any respect to not do it to the object of his new found affection later? If a man is that dissatisfied then he should leave the marrage before looking to hook up IMHO.
I would be very careful if I were you, is he really worth it?

wa:do

Moving to Off Topic.

I dated a man in San Francisco. We had a great time. He was the best date I ever had. He brought presents, and we went to great places. He also was very nervous. He told me he was single. One day I got a call from the phone company at work. A woman was checking her phone bill. It turned out to be the wife of the man I was dating. I talked to her to verify that it was the same man. It was. I immediately cut the relationship off.The man you are seeing has the same story most married men have and they have no intention of ever leaving their wives. I have seen many women strung along by married men. They will make all kinds of promises to keep the relationship going. A man who cheats on his wife will cheat on you. If he were sincere, he would leave his wife and give himself time to recover before dating another woman. Someone else's trash is not your treasure. You deserve much more than that user would ever be able to give you.

Andra130 I hope you are really understanding what LK, Lilithu and Carrdero are saying to you. Great advise. I have a friend named Kim who is going through the exact same thing now--but not as innocently as you are...she has a bf that she lives with. And she was telling me about it. I told her the same thing that LK and Lilthu are telling you now. If he was going to leave his wife he would have done so already. He isn't going to leave her and he even said that to you.
And like Lilthu stated the situation will not change. From the post you put on here what he is proposing is a fling outside of his marriage. When he was kissing you last night he wasn't thinking about losing his kid. He was thinking about having as Carrdero puts it, "having his cake and eating it too." I hate that you are hurt but if you play this senerio out in your head like a vcr on fast forward I bet you will see there is no way things can come out well on it.

Andra130 said:

What is your overall stand on loveless marriages or affairs??

Click to expand...

If the marriage is loveless, and the man has respect for both you and his wife, he will have to 'come clean' and cause hurt - whichever way he turns. It is upto him entirely, but you cannot allow him to keep on abusing both you and his wife by trying to avoid 'upsets'; whilst he continues on the present path, no one can be happy.
I hope things work out for you, and wish you hapiness.

Andra...

What a shame! To have feelings and then to find this. I echo the comments of all else and will pray for your ability to resolve the situation.

I too agree with the rest of the group. No matter how great of a guy he is, that is just not a good situation to get yourself in. It's like having two doors, one you know has trap doors, poison arrows, bombs, etc... But at the end is the prize. Do you go through the door and risk dying? Or do you find another prize that doesn't have those dangerous risks? I mean sure you may get that prize some day, but you may end up beaten, battered, torn, and almost dead. And the prize stays perfectly fine. I would advise choosing another prize.

Andra130 said:

Have any of you experienced something similar to this and what did you do? What is your overall stand on loveless marriages or affairs??

Click to expand...

Yes .

All the wrong things I'm afriad .

There is not such thing as a " loveless marrage ". For all general purposes at lest . If the marrage is dieing , then allow it to die before you get too commited . Even if what you believe to be true , is true , allow him to take care of his matters before the two of you add to them . Any relationship is hard enough without all the emotional baggage that an affair adds .

Of course , nobody EVER listens to that advice .... :banghead3

I basically agree with everyone so far, Andra. I don't what you are personally looking for in a relationship at this time, but I can assure you that a relationship with a married man who is not willing to leave his wife is a DEAD END. If you have any hopes of being married yourself and having kids, they are not going to be realized with this guy.

Loveless marriages are the worst things I could ever wish on anyone. My parents just recently got divorced, and hearing them say things like, "These feelings have been going on for the last several years", and "We were quite young--we probably didn't even truly love each other from the beginning," is hard stuff. Towards the end, before my parents had even really decided on a divorce, my mom got involved with another man who was also married, (sshhh! I'm not supposed to know that!). I have a feeling that her relationship with this guy may have sped up her decision for divorce, (not that it wouldn't have happened anyway). As things sit presently, this guy is still married and has no intention of doing anything different.

I personally abhor infidelity more than anything. If, heaven forbid, I am so out of love with my husband that I would be truly tempted to cheat on him, I think that that would be the proper time for divorce. There's just no reason to be unfaithful--it doesn't fix anything.

Another thing, Andra--I don't mean for this to offend you at all, but you seem to really think this guy is special...are you sure that he reciprocates your feelings? Does he genuinely like you, or is he just looking for an outlet from his wife?

carrdero said:

This type of relationship is also defined as “having his cake and eating it too”.

Click to expand...

:biglaugh:

You are so right. Andra he's no good for you.

Lightkeeper said:

The man you are seeing has the same story most married men have and they have no intention of ever leaving their wives.

Click to expand...

Lightkeeper is correct. Women have told me time and again that some guy fed them that line. Be forewarned!

He may leave his wife for you,but will he do the same to you later?

Majik is SO right!

I used to make my living as an Automotive Technician. When I saw a shop STEAL from the customer, I KNEW they were going to steal from me to. I was never disappointed and did not hesitate to change jobs if I saw that happen. Most leopards can't change their spots. Men have a hard time distinguishing libido from love.

What I want to know is, how would he "lose" his son by getting a divorce? Obviously he wouldn't see him everyday, but unless he was proved to be an unfit father, there is no way he would lose his son completely, doesn't this show he is capable of exaggerating a situation in order to get what he wants?

And furthermore, what do you wish to get out of this relationship? Obviously you wish for nothing more than a fling because there is no way you could get a long-lasting meaningful relationship out of this man because well...he already has a long lasting, meaningful relationship-with his wife! The only end to this situation would be heartache, whether now, or later on when he decides to find another mistress or return to..again I bold it.. his wife!

Andra130 said:

He told me that he was completely incompatible with his wife and that the only reason they got married was because she was pregnant.

Click to expand...

What else is he going to tell you?

That he and his wife get along great but he just wants a little on the side?
He`s lying.

He has now proposed that we have an affair because he cant get divorced because he couldn't handle not seeing his boy. He says he wishes that he were not married so that he would be able to pursue a real relationship with me..... he just wont jeapordize loosing his kid.

Click to expand...

Thats an excuse.
I`m a man with three kids and if I wanted to leave my wife I would with no problem.
Especially if I was the one to make the break because I would have time to talk to a lawyer and see what I could do about getting my kid.

I really have been falling for this man and I have absolutely no I idea what to do.

Click to expand...

Tell him to leave you alone.

I offered to let him stay tonight and he said no, stating that we both needed to think.

Click to expand...

He doesn`t need time to think, his problem is he couldn`t explain not coming home to his wife.

(Which we do). Have any of you experienced something similar to this and what did you do? What is your overall stand on loveless marriages or affairs??

Click to expand...

Yes I`ve experienced this from boths sides and I can tell you without a shadow of doubt in my mind...he`s lying to you AND his wife.

Affiars suck loveless marraiges should be ended.

If you can enjoy the thrill of becoming the 1,238,987,587th woman in the history of the world to fall for the "My wife doesn't love me, but I can't leave her" line, then go for it, Andra.

linwood said:

He doesn`t need time to think, his problem is he couldn`t explain not coming home to his wife.

Click to expand...

Well as far as that goes it wasn't really an issue about not going home to his wife, he is from out of town here on business... (I know, I know, one more reason)

Sunstone said:

If you can enjoy the thrill of becoming the 1,238,987,587th woman in the history of the world to fall for the "My wife doesn't love me, but I can't leave her" line, then go for it, Andra.

Click to expand...

Your right....that actually made me laugh. I don't know what I was (am) thinking. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I think that I will just tell him I have nothing else to say. To hell with trying to get into any kind of relationship right now, I probably really just need to spend some time alone. I want to say thanks to all of you guys for the support. Even though we are more or less strangers it is good to know that there are good people in this world. Stay that way!!