Best...or worst...religious jokes

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"



A priest fell into the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The priest calmly said "No thank you, God will save me."
A while later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The priest replied again, "No thanks, God will save me."
Eventually the priest drowned & went to heaven. He asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "What more could i do? I sent you two boats!"



Mary wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Mary and decided to poke her with the point of his pencil to wake her up. Mary jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Mary again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Mary again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again I'll ram it up your ***!"

9-10ths_Penguin said:

From the great Emo Philips:

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way.

... So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

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I remember that one. How about this one form the same source? :

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My favorite is Moses holding his arms out and looking up to heaven saying "Lord, did I hear you correctly, namely that the Arabs get all the oil and us Jews have to cut off the ends of our what???".

This one springs to mind:

More Zen:

The Sum of Awe said:

a cute young puppy that's full of mud and he has the rabbi clean it off?

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Not even close.
But a hint....
**** is a word with multiple meanings.

John53 said:

a cute young @Revoltingest ?

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I was never "cute".

Debater Slayer said:

More Zen:

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Did you hear about the Zen master who asked the hot dog vendor to make him one with everything? This annoyed the vendor, so when the Zen master requested change, the hot dog vendor told him that change must come from within.

Revoltingest said:

I was never "cute".

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Or young.

John53 said:

Or young.

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Immature though.

Revoltingest said:

Immature though.

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And that hasn't changed.

Heyo said:

And that hasn't changed.

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I hope it never will.

Two mohels are close friends. One decides on a unique gift. With each performance of his duty, he keeps the small item for later use. After 20 years, he purchases some extremely fine thread, and with small needles and a magnifying glass, he dexterously sews the tiny pieces together, making a wallet. The next time the two meet for coffee, he takes it out and with some pomp, presents it. The second mohel isn't impressed at all, and says so. "What a waste of your time, making such an embarrassing gift for me. I can hardly accept it. You could have gotten me a nice wallet at Wal-Mart."
The first mohel shakes his head, "Ah yes, I could have, but this wallet is a special wallet. If you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase."

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi are having a day off and they go out for a hike. It's very hot and when the pass a lake they decide to have a swim. Just when they get out a school class on a field trip pass by. The pastor and priest cover their nether regions with their hands while the rabbi covers his face.
When the class has passed and they are dressed again, the Christians ask the rabbi about his strange behaviour. He says: "My congregation knows me by my face."

Miriam goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

She says to the cashier: "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The cashier says: "What denomination?"

Miriam says: "Oy vey, has it come to this? OK, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

A PR guy for Coca Cola has a brilliant idea for their next campaign: what if they could change the Lord's Prayer to "our daily Coca Cola give us today"? The idea gets confirmed and valued at 2% of Coca Cola's world revenue. The guy is now tasked to negotiate this so he visits his priest. The priest is very fond of the idea but as he can't decide it, he supposes it to his bishop. To cut the story short, it goes from the bishop to the cardinal to the Pope who finally picks up the red telephone and calls Peter. Peter informs him: "That's a great idea but we can't do it. We at least have to wait until our contract with the bakers guild expires."

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend: "My priest knows more than your rabbi!"

"Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything!"

When Israel was in the desert, they had no food and so they prayed to YHVH that he might send them something to eat - but nothing happened. The next day Aaron went out on a hill and he prayed to YHVH - and nothing happened. Finally Moses went up the Hill, spread his arms and shouted to the heavens "Manna, Manna" - and lo and behold YHVH answered: "Ba dee bedebe".

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a doctor's office.

The nurse asks the priest: "Do you know your blood type?" The priest shakes his head and says "Sorry, no."

The nurse asks the minister the same question, and the minister says that he doesn't know, either.

The nurse then turns to the rabbit and asks: "What about you?" The rabbit replies: "I'm a Type-O."