The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
It definitely was. We both had a good time regardless.
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The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence
- Thread starter The Sum of Awe
- Start date
Secret Chief
nirvana is samsara
That's why men get themselves a wife - so they don't have to talk at social occasions.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
A few things have happened since... I did end up talking to that girl at work, and she talks to me a little on Facebook. We're talking a little, don't know where it's gonna go. I'm not entirely into her, and like I said her having kids is a big dedication honestly. I'm glad I was honest when I asked if we could continue to hang out that I wanted to do so "as friends". That feels like there's less obligation for me to be in a relationship with her. I'm very grateful for the time she's spending with me, I can't see how anyone could stand being in my presence considering how socially awkward I am.
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I hate speaking negative about people, but I've got to be honest about this new guy at work. He is a bit cringe. He reads Shakespeare (Yes, Shakespeare) on 10 minute breaks, is completely quiet, has headphones in and brings a laptop into 20 minute lunch. I really don't mean to be so judgey but his behavior does make me cringe. And I can't help but think he is the embodiment of all of my demons. He is an exaggerated version of my biggest insecurities about myself (coming off as a "sophisticated" person - as well as my quietness. i do use big words sometimes, and i have obscure interests, and i am proud of my writing -- but at least I know I keep it all to myself and the one person who is interested in those things). I feel like this guy coming has shown me how to prevent myself from behaving and helps me understand the difference between trying to impress people with my special interests and trying to start a fun conversation about them.
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I have went 3 weeks without intoxicating myself and I think it could be helping my mental health. I'm beginning to open up more and say what I want to say. Slowly though, because I'd feel like I'm taking it too far too fast to just jump right into it. I make little jokes here and there. I don't want to jinx myself but I think this is a good beginning. I need to keep in mind that if I slip up, and I will slip up, to not see it as a set back but to understand I will make mistakes.
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I hate speaking negative about people, but I've got to be honest about this new guy at work. He is a bit cringe. He reads Shakespeare (Yes, Shakespeare) on 10 minute breaks, is completely quiet, has headphones in and brings a laptop into 20 minute lunch. I really don't mean to be so judgey but his behavior does make me cringe. And I can't help but think he is the embodiment of all of my demons. He is an exaggerated version of my biggest insecurities about myself (coming off as a "sophisticated" person - as well as my quietness. i do use big words sometimes, and i have obscure interests, and i am proud of my writing -- but at least I know I keep it all to myself and the one person who is interested in those things). I feel like this guy coming has shown me how to prevent myself from behaving and helps me understand the difference between trying to impress people with my special interests and trying to start a fun conversation about them.
///////
I have went 3 weeks without intoxicating myself and I think it could be helping my mental health. I'm beginning to open up more and say what I want to say. Slowly though, because I'd feel like I'm taking it too far too fast to just jump right into it. I make little jokes here and there. I don't want to jinx myself but I think this is a good beginning. I need to keep in mind that if I slip up, and I will slip up, to not see it as a set back but to understand I will make mistakes.
Not into Shakespeare much myself.
Though, I did have a friend who used to carry around stuff like that and read it. He was a very slow reader, though. Other than that, though, I'm curious as to what about him makes you cringe. Just the quietness? Or, is it really his taste in reading material?
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Ah, it could be my mind trying to impose my own personal insecurity on this guy. I feel guilty for assuming it but... I believe he is doing this to impress people? (something I unconsciously do and am working on trying to stop that) Well, on second thought, his silence on top of it all makes him come off as arrogant so that could be the cringe part, but aI admit I don't know him enough to know if he's arrogant and I do plan on talking to him more. Maybe I'm a jerk idk. That's just my thoughts.Not into Shakespeare much myself.
Other than that, though, I'm curious as to what about him makes you cringe. Just the quietness? Or, is it really his taste in reading material?
PoetPhilosopher
Veteran Member
Usually when someone tells me about a personal account in their life, I kind of just assume some of their depictions to be true. But in this case, I just wanted to say that I'm a little unsure that he's doing it to impress people, per se. As for his actual motivations, I'm not sure. And I could be wrong. I'm just saying that based on what you said, I myself wouldn't jump to that conclusion.
I'll give an example of how it could be different. There's this one job I used to work at, where if I ever go back, I won't make it a habit to have personal chit-chats with co-workers, because somehow anything you say gets back to a management which is pretty hot-headed, or might use against you later. Even if it's talking about "yourself going home and having a beer" or "buying an expensive item you've saved a long time for".
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Fair enough, and there’s plenty of reasons why one might not want to talk. I won’t jump to any conclusions until I see more of his behavior. At the same time other coworkers have taken notice of his unusual behavior and have commented not only on his material (Shakespeare) but also the fact he reads instead of socializes (when others have tried to start up conversations with him which he ignored from what I have seen).
in the end I think it’s just that I personally would rather not come off as that type of person and that is what I meant by bringing him up.
PoetPhilosopher
Veteran Member
Makes sense.
Me, I don't usually chit-chat with co-workers. But the environments I've been in have been magnets for gossip. If I'm going to have a casual conversation with anyone, that doesn't involve work, it will be the boss, and only if the situation calls for it.
My old friend was genuinely interested in the unexpected reading material, and would also do stuff like you mention... he just had strange tastes, and was really socially awkward.
You're not a jerk, I think its human nature to get put off by stuff like that. But, having been someone who was once painfully quiet, sometimes they just don't have the social skills to start up conversation.
But good for you for using it as a learning experience as to how you don't want to be!
Oh, I'd have died in such a work place. We were too chatty at my old job. Nothing was off the table... we threw a pizza party for a guy who lost his virginity. But, I think that was just a way of coping with an emotionally taxing job.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I have been pretty confident today allday at work. Around the ones that matter. Right now I’m working with a group that I can’t help but be completely quiet around barely a word outside of work related. I am actually not hating myself for it. I understand why i am uncomfortable around these people and i don’t care if it makes me look bad. I have friends here and they know I’m not bad
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I don't know why I keep going back to my family's on the holidays. I always think "this time is gonna be better, I'm actually going to try and start conversations" and I do when I get there, but then over time I just quiet up and then eventually I just get completely quiet and look at the TV or sit in the corner and when people try to initiate conversation with me at that point I can't will myself to open up and I give short answers and don't laugh. Then I become too afraid to leave because I'll have to say my goodbyes, and I don't want any attention on me at that point, but saying goodbye means I have to open my mouth and talk.
It's always like this. Then after I leave I hate myself, I feel completely hopeless about my future, I feel angry at God and the way my life is... My head runs with negativity endlessly and I constantly tell myself "it was just a bad day, I will get over it" but I'm completely numb and hollow and frowning, just staring blankly and mindlessly as i drive home.
And then on top of it I got a 100$ speeding ticket (because I was distracted by my thoughts and sped up too fast leaving town). what a great thanksgiving!
It's always like this. Then after I leave I hate myself, I feel completely hopeless about my future, I feel angry at God and the way my life is... My head runs with negativity endlessly and I constantly tell myself "it was just a bad day, I will get over it" but I'm completely numb and hollow and frowning, just staring blankly and mindlessly as i drive home.
And then on top of it I got a 100$ speeding ticket (because I was distracted by my thoughts and sped up too fast leaving town). what a great thanksgiving!
That all sounds all too familiar, Man.
I can empathize with that feeling of wanting to leave a gathering: "relief from everything I'm feeling right now is right on the other side of that door, but to get there I'm going to have to call attention to myself. I'm even going to have to say something, and who knows how that's going to come out ".
It's torture.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
You described it well. I appreciate your sympathy. I know you've said in another thread that being with your family increases your heart rate, and I just wanted to say that if you would like to talk to me about that I am open to hearing about it, assuming it isn't too personal of a thing for you too talk about.
The relief from the other side of that door has came and I'm starting to relax and forgive myself for what has happened.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Man today sucked. I went for a walk, did a couple chores, and helped my neighbor chase down her dog. But overall just stressed. Doubting I’ll ever get better. I’m telling myself I’ll do better on Xmas to just have a good time at the family gathering but it’s just not gonna be the same ever. And this poor relationship with my family, not having friends on top of it, all this is probably going to make me look bad even if i did get a date with someone I’m truly want to be with.
I don’t mean to be so negative, I know this is just how I feel now and it might pass in a few days. Just wanted to say it how it is though.
I don’t mean to be so negative, I know this is just how I feel now and it might pass in a few days. Just wanted to say it how it is though.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I’ve gotta get my head back up and start enjoying my life again. I have to work the next two days but I’ll try writing again that might make me feel better. I mean I’ve been going for walks every day and going on RF (maybe too much). And I still go out and treat myself. Don’t really know what else to do.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
Having kids should indeed be a huge red flag to you. Congrats on making the right move.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
Concerning your family, what's up with that if I may ask?
Do you feel like they are judgmental (or would be) towards you if you talked to them? Is it the social pressure? Or is it something quite personal that happened in the past?
vulcanlogician
Well-Known Member
Having your efforts frustrated leads to despair sometimes, yes.
But at least you are trying. Giving up is the only way to truly fail. And that will lead to MUCH more despair in the long run.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I honestly can’t put my finger on it. I grew distant from them back as a teenager when i was heavily depressed and into drugs, and maybe it’s the guilt of that. They seem to forgive me but it still feels incredibly fake and awkward if I tried to do anything but humble myself.