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Conflicting Parents

ADigitalArtist

ADigitalArtist

Veteran Member
Staff member
Premium Member
I'm 'traditional authority' adverse. Where decision making is placed due to reasons not relevant to skill and training. If your dad is like that then I'd say that 'we are doing it this way based on what the vet recommended.'

But if your dad just doesn't want to do anything he's asked to do then I think the only sane thing to do is not to ask him to do anything. Better to admit to yourself that he is, in the literal sense, unreliable so you have hopes of getting the tasks done among yourselves.
That's no excuse to let him be a mooch, either. If he's able but unwilling to help then he shouldn't receive the benefit of your work either.
 
Rival

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
Also I'm getting that a lot of folks don't seem to like 'obedience'.

One is meant to obey one's parents as far as reasonably possible, especially when one lives with them. That's as I see it.
 
Secret Chief

Secret Chief

nirvana is samsara
Rival said:
I'd otherwise agree with you, if not for the fact that my nana had literally gone and asked the vet what the cat needs and based the cat's diet on it and the information on the food packets. So for me this just looks like a case of him not doing what he's told by a person who knows better than him in this situation, which is senseless.
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Yes, my opinion is the same as your nana for the reasons stated. That seems a separate issue to me from what's going on between your nana and dad, which I presume crops up in other circumstances.
 
Rival

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
Secret Chief said:
Yes, my opinion is the same as your nana for the reasons stated. That seems a separate issue to me from what's going on between your nana and dad, which I presume crops up in other circumstances.
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My dad is an ADHD alcoholic. You can imagine how it is.
 
Secret Chief

Secret Chief

nirvana is samsara
Rival said:
One is meant to obey one's parents as far as reasonably possible, especially when one lives with them. That's as I see it.
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I'm not anti-authority in this; I think once one is an adult, then "obeying" is no longer appropriate. You are all adults, you are no longer a dependent child. Perhaps your sense of hierachy makes it different in your eyes.
 
ADigitalArtist

ADigitalArtist

Veteran Member
Staff member
Premium Member
Rival said:
Also I'm getting that a lot of folks don't seem to like 'obedience'.

One is meant to obey one's parents as far as reasonably possible, especially when one lives with them. That's as I see it.
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My idea of what's reasonable might be different, but I respect my mom because she's a respectable person. I also respect her as my mom. But if she weren't a respectable person than she wouldn't be a respectable mom either.

As far as 'my house my rules' I agree only insofar as my decisions could impact the house. I.e. my body autonomy or freedom to practice religion (or not to) or hobbies (so long as it isn't hurting anyone) isn't up for debate.
 
Rival

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
Secret Chief said:
I'm not anti-authority in this; I think once one is an adult, then "obeying" is no longer appropriate. You are all adults, you are no longer a dependent child. Perhaps your sense of hierachy makes it different in your eyes.
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ADigitalArtist said:
My idea of what's reasonable might be different, but I respect my mom because she's a respectable person. I also respect her as my mom. But if she weren't a respectable person than she wouldn't be a respectable mom either.

As far as 'my house my rules' I agree only insofar as my decisions could impact the house. I.e. my body autonomy or freedom to practice religion (or not to) or hobbies (so long as it isn't hurting anyone) isn't up for debate.
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This is what I mean. His mom is not an unreasonable person. He lives in their house; they pay all the bills, bar none. The least he could do is what he's told, so to speak.
 
Trailblazer

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
Rival said:
Why does this happen? His mother said 'do this'.

Is it so hard for him to obey his mother in this excruciatingly simple task? Then I wouldn't have a conflict of interest having conflicting orders from two parents.
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It is obvious that you have never been married. ;)
That sounds eerily similar to me and my husband, only there is nobody else here but the cats. :D

Husband goes to look at where cats eat and asks me how long that food has been down.....

Me: I just fed put that food down.

Husband: Why are you feeding the cats again, they don't need any more food.

Me: Nova wanted some food and Silky needs to eat.

Husband: They don't need canned food, they can eat dry food. You are just making more dishes.

Me: I will do the dishes.

And it goes on and on like this. We never fight about anything important, we just bicker.
 
Secret Chief

Secret Chief

nirvana is samsara
Rival said:
This is what I mean. His mom is not an unreasonable person. He lives in their house; they pay all the bills, bar none. The least he could do is what he's told, so to speak.
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Given all you've said, he's not going to be reliable is he, even if he seems to change his mind.
 
Kooky

Kooky

Freedom from Sanity
The greatest source of conflict in the world is that people don't listen to me and don't do exactly what I tell them all the time.

The world would be truly harmonious if everyone was dancing to my whim.
 
Secret Chief

Secret Chief

nirvana is samsara
Trailblazer said:
It is obvious that you have never been married. ;)
That sounds eerily similar to me and my husband, only there is nobody else here but the cats. :D

Husband goes to look at where cats eat and asks me how long that food has been down.....

Me: I just fed put that food down.

Husband: Why are you feeding the cats again, they don't need any more food.

Me: Nova wanted some food and Silky needs to eat.

Husband: They don't need canned food, they can eat dry food. You are just making more dishes.

Me: I will do the dishes.

And it goes on and on like this. We never fight about anything important, we just bicker.
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Is he insane? A dried food only diet doesn't provide enough liquid; it would lead to kidney problems. sheesh
 
Trailblazer

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
Secret Chief said:
Is he insane? A dried food only diet doesn't provide enough liquid; it would lead to kidney problems. sheesh
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He is okay with feeding the canned food, it is how often I feed them that bothers him because he doesn't like doing the dishes, and he doesn't like the food sitting uneaten because sometimes it dries out. :rolleyes:
 
Rival

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
Kooky said:
The greatest source of conflict in the world is that people don't listen to me and don't do exactly what I tell them all the time.

The world would be truly harmonious if everyone was dancing to my whim.
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Doing what one's parents ask is not unreasonable. It's the way of the world, generally speaking.

Sometimes, just sometimes, there is actually an authority higher than you. Sometimes, you have to be passive even if you disagree, so it stops needless conflict.
 
Kooky

Kooky

Freedom from Sanity
Rival said:
Doing what one's parents ask is not unreasonable. It's the way of the world, generally speaking.

Sometime, just sometimes, there is actually an authority higher than you. Sometimes, you have to be passive even if you disagree, so it stops needless conflict.
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And yet, as far as I can tell from the story you told in this thread, your parents disagree with you on this issue.

In some way, I feel like this reflects just how unstable such a seemingly obvious and simple principle can become as soon as it starts materially conflicting with our interests and our own sense of self. It's easy to be obedient when obedience alings with one's own self interest. The reverse can break people or relationships.
 
Rival

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
Kooky said:
And yet, as far as I can tell from the story you told in this thread, your parents disagree with you on this issue.

In some way, I feel like this reflects just how unstable such a seemingly obvious and simple principle can become as soon as it starts materially conflicting with our interests and our own sense of self.
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No, one parent is a drunken lunatic who argues with everyone and gets into physical fights with his father.

The other is a reasonable person whose wishes should be carried out because she's sensible and based on sound advice, plus she's his mother.
 
ADigitalArtist

ADigitalArtist

Veteran Member
Staff member
Premium Member
Rival said:
My dad is an ADHD alcoholic. You can imagine how it is.
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Sometimes non-neurotypical people pick fights because they feel like they have no control over their lives. Especially ones suffering from diseases that push them towards behavior.
It might not be at all about you or his mom, but the insecure place he finds himself in. Lot of bullies and irate people are just insecure and trying to seize a little control. Not that all of them express that way. Some just procrastinate to heck and back because it's a way of expressing control over your day (that's me).

It's the extreme opposite of non-neurotypicals who are afraid of having any kind of control for fear of messing something up, and have a lot of difficulty with decision making. (That's my husband)

Not much to do except hope they take to tools like counseling and therapy. But protect yourself.
 
Kooky

Kooky

Freedom from Sanity
ADigitalArtist said:
Sometimes non-neurotypical people pick fights because they feel like they have no control over their lives. Especially ones suffering from diseases that push them towards behavior.
It might not be at all about you or his mom, but the insecure place he finds himself in. Lot of bullies and irate people are just insecure and trying to seize a little control. Not that all of them express that way. Some just procrastinate to heck and back because it's a way of expressing control over your day (that's me).

It's the extreme opposite of non-neurotypicals who are afraid of having any kind of control for fear of messing something up, and have a lot of difficulty with decision making. (That's my husband)

Not much to do except hope they take to tools like counseling and therapy. But protect yourself.
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It's not uncommon behavior even among nominally neurotypical people. The desire to have a sense of ownership over one's own daily life is a powerful one, and can drive people to behavior that looks extremely irrational on its surface. And I agree, this would be a case for a trained professional.
 
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