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Dating ,romance and sexism and men journal

Riders

Well-Known Member
So here's my food plan for this week, 2 white bagel halves with peanut butter on it, 2 eggs with cheese on it, for lunch, pork chop with a marinara sauce for dinner. I'm desperately lacking in fruit and vegetables. I'm worried that it'll cause me to be sick to my stomach. I don't like a lot of vegetables, but I do like stir fry veggies, mushrooms, celery, onions, carrots, peppers that's about it. My dietician says I don't need to eat anymore outside of those.

I don't like vegetables like green beans, English peas, butter beans, YUCK! Spinach broccoli cauliflower yuck yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of that I can't stand but I love stuffed mushrooms and stuffed peppers yummy.............but like I said I am not use to eating a lot of them and me I am worried about getting sick at my stomach.

Anyways it's a lot less food than what I am used to. I don't have to weigh and measure. I use one slice of cheese, one serving, one piece of cut-up pork chops is one serving, I had sausage last week, one sausage Weiner was a serving. So I can eye the servings well, but if it's already cut up into servings I don't have to worry about it.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
I have been watching 2 or 3 songs by Kesha on youtube. Christians don't like her because she seems to be rebelling against the church in some of her videos.

I don't agree with Christians on the religious part, however, Kesha goes too far with sexuality. I am not sure I should be watching Kesha.
This is the main one I seem to be obsessed with. Die Young, they seem to be dressed up as Egyptians and the guys look like Egyptian soldiers, I think that is so hot! I have to stop!

 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Well, I started talking to a guy from overeaters anonymous. He is an Anorexic S. is. He says he eats enough to maintain his weight but he only weighs 125 when he should weigh about 25 or 30 pounds heavier he admits. But at least he's not losing any more weight. He's just a friend anyways, he is very nice though. He has a girly voice but I am not convinced he is gay, there are masculine male gays around so i would not know.

There are some anorexics who are also sexual anorexics or asexuals, which he could be. He said he's never been married like me, But I am heterosexual so. I don't know. He never discusses it. We have only talked to each other 3 times though. But he is dependant on his mother who is 84 like I am with my family, so I think we have things in common even though he is anorexic. But anorexics and over ever eaters have things in common because they are both obsessed with food.

Anyways, last night I tried doing a Zoom singles meeting through meetup but the Zoom thing did not work. I did meet a 69-year-old guy but we only texted once, I don't know if he's even interested in me. I can get out of my house right now anyway because the door is broke. That's interesting though that some of the singles meetups are using the zoom to meetup, I might check out some other singles meetups.

I have to lose weight and be able to get out of this house before I can do anything, I need my corona vaccine. I'm supposed to go to the Dr's office on the 31st and I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I also need my stimulus check which I have not gotten yet.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Nothing I have not gotten it. Im beginning to think I am not gonna get one but I am suppose too. i am not gonna worry about it now, it'll stress me out.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Got a letter last Thursday from IRS saying if my payment didn't come by today I could go to IRS.gov which I did and found out nothing or call this phone number. The phone number says if i did not fill out taxes I may need too to get my payment so now I have to fill out 2020 taxes. It's a pain in my but.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Let's talk about The Jacksons! They use to have a reality tv show that started after Michael died but I guess it's not on anymore. But I think they still perform even though they are in their late 60's early 70's possibly. Well why not, Mick Jagger is 77 and he's still going!

Well, I don't talk about the negative stuff the dark stuff that got Michael into courts, because I don't want to remember him that way, and plus I have no opinions on it, I am not God and I will not judge that situation. But I like remembering him the way he use to be.

He use to be known for being crazy even in the '80s did they not call him whacko Jacko? But I always felt for him because I felt like it was based on stuff he had anxiety attacks about. I can be pretty freaky too when I am having anxiety attacks. Sometimes I watch church on Facebook or go to religious meetings to get rid of my anxiety, sometimes music, but I can freak out too. So I always felt sympathetic towards Michael.

I understand his obsession with his body and changing his color and getting too many face lifts too. He had something called body dysmorphia experts say but I really think he just had a lot of anxiety about the way he looked. It makes me sad, but I understand it because I have anxiety about being a fatty and so I am on my OA program but gained some of my weight back. Got to get back to my program.

Anyways I like remembering Michael Jackson like this.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
But anyway, despite the one-pound weight gain from last week I got which wasn't as bad as I thought, I am still down 7 pounds for one month, I'm at 300, I started at 307, so that's not so bad.............

Heres more Michael Jackson
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Well anyways, I have a past with the United Methodist Church I have never discussed up here. When I was hospitalized as a teen at Timberlawn hospital, as a mental patient at 15 years old in 1983 when it was a rich private hospital; We had a United Methodist pastor who came out once a month to give a sermon to Christian teens and if any Muslim or Jewish teens wanted to talk about keeping their faith and values while living in a psych ward once a month she would do that.

Of course, she could not you know perform a Jewish or Muslim service but she could have a chat and encourage them to keep their beliefs and values while staying their among so many Christian and secular unreligious value teens.

We had one Jewish girl, Barbara, and I and Chris were good friends with her. She had long black hair I use to admire. Anyways, we did not want to go to a Christian service, I told them I was a backslidden Christian who did not attend church. So we went to the talks with Barbara.

To this day I really appreciate that female pastor coming to us and doing that for Barbara who needed it at the time, were all being forced to live inside a psych ward with strangers and be adults even though we were teens. So I still appreciate The United Methodists for doing that.

However last time I went I told them I was not Christian and believed in one God and not interested in Christianity but they had welcomed me anyway and said they had had Atheists who went there that they supported and would not try to convert me if I just wanted to visit regularly.

But one thing led to another in a conversation I was having with a woman down there and ended up recommending me to read The Rebel Jesus, or not the book but watch the video on it anyway. I watched a video and it looked like another way to witness Jesus to me and I did not appreciate it. It creeped me, any witnessing I get reminds me of the Southern BAptists no matter what and creeps me out.

I have had Baptists running their mouths off witnessing to me my whole life considering I have spent my whole life in Dallas Tx. They run everything out here, well, they are everywhere, there are more Baptists and community and Nondenominational churches who teach and worship like Baptists than anything else.

However, in the end, I may go back to the United Methodists and give them a second chance. After my Timberlawn experience, I do believe that a great deal of United Methodists who go to the liberal side of that denomination who are tolerant of Gays and Lesbians probably are tolerant of other religions o we will see how it goes.

I may visit Unity with that, but this would all be after the covid. We shall see, Unity's not that far away either and I like their new age teachings. I might go to both.

 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Interestingly enough I found out my guyfriend Scott who is Jewish had his Mom called the police on him because he argued with her over a dresser drawer he needed when they were moving out. But he ended up in a Jewish Psychiatric ward which he got out of after a few days. That's very interesting, I had no idea there were Jewish PSychiatric wards. There are no Christian psych wards but Green Oaks does have a church people go to, I was there 8 years ago. But I guess it should not surprise me there are Jewish psych wards sense the minister at Timberlawn did do that.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Well, Darryl came back today. I had not seen him for 2 months because he's been working all the time. I thought he had given up on me. But he says he knows I have mobility issues and he does not mind. He wants to come to watch tv with me on my couch and cuddle up. He said before cuddling made him be tempted for sex but now he is saying he can handle it and he wants to cuddle so we shall see.

We did kiss and make out today. It was nice, lovely, it made me feel safe and secure. Men and sexuality, in general, make me feel safe. I think he might give up on me becoming mobile again and just be satisfied to be my cuddling buddy. I don't mind it, I like having a cuddling buddy but I want to get abstinent and stay abstinent from overeating.

He brought me, dairy queen, today, and my day is ruined now. I'm gonna have to tell him to bring me something healthy next time.

I love NKOTB too! I met them backstage 8 years ago.
 
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Riders

Well-Known Member
Well I don't know if I will take to the idea of having another cuddling buddy or not,. But considering the fact that he went 2 months without seeing me could mean he's working too much anyways and he may end up disappearing on me again, I don't know. I am not sure I am ready for another cuddling buddy we will see.

Everyone wants to be loved. If you're married you have a built-in family kids or not. If you have kids the better then you have people around you a lot of kids and grandkids like my sisters do. Especially my oldest sister, her family is around a lot and they have a lot of money. I am alone all the time.

So marriage, or being in a relationship does seem very enticing, or even just a cuddling buddy, my sister is very stable in life, tucked away into her family, safe and secure, meditation and spirituality are what I'm trying to rely on to help me feel stable and it should be relied on. But having a family seems to point the way to feeling very grounded and stable. But we should not be dependent on our family to do that.

It's a traditional way of thinking, when my nephew got married, he quit smoking pot and partying and my sister was happy. They wanted him to settle down, marriage is supposed to settle you down.

I know that in my favorite episode of Beverly Hills 90210 when Emily Valentine gets obsessed and starts stalking Brendon, she's his ex-girlfriend, he broke up with her because she drugged him with euphoria at an underground club; But it is Andrea their friend who says look shes probably a borderline personality disorder and she's gone from school to school, her parents moved her around a lot, and she was trying to hold onto someone who was stable and grounded to get stability, she said that's probably she turned into a stalker.

I have never stalked anyone but I relate to the idea that Emily could have decided having a boyfriend would cure her problems and make her more stable and grounded. People look to love and romance to cure them.

I don't want to do that however I won't lie, having a boyfriend makes me feel safe. I know I need to learn to lean on myself, not men. Men are not the answer. Tobecontinued.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Here's a scene from Emily Valentine episode before she went psycho.

Sorry didn't know this video was age restricted.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
So anyway, I am planning on not having my friend as a cuddling buddy. I need to work on myself. I did well this weekend with my eating and binged today. I plan on being on my food plan tomorrow. I'm throwing some of this sweet junk away tonight. I have fruity pebbles and cocoa pebbles, for some reason when I want to binge on sweets I like sweet cereals and chocolate milk. I guess it reminds me of my childhood. So does pizza, I remember pizza party's with friends as a teen.

I like BArbecue chicken pizza and cheese lovers pizza with chicken and also meat lovers. Barbecue chicken is my favorite.

Anyhow, my new chair I got with a lot of my stimulus check isn't working well. It has a button on the side and I can't kick it down the front of it won't go down even if I use the button. But I still am sleeping in it some.

I got CBD oil and pills today. It's working pretty good on my pain. But I only paid 6 bucks for it because it was my first order. It might cost me too much I don't know.

But it's working. I hope I can lose some weight this week, I will weigh next week.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Well Im still on a binge but throwing away some of my food tonight. It's been raining outside. I am about to nap abit. Good night to all here at Religious forums.............sleep tight..............
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
I need magnesium and potassium, I have the potassium but waiting on my magnesium from Amazon. I stayed on my food plan except for coke Friday and Saturday then yesterday I had fast food with a chocolate shake and coke and a burger, but the calories were only around 2000, that's all I had all day, so at least it was not a binge day.

When I eat a small amount and or stay on my food plan my legs and feet start cramping up bad. My potassium gets low when I'm on a diet and it makes my feet and legs cramp bad. So I am all full up of pain reliever pm and some CBD oil,I'm too mellowed out to work or do anything else so my feet and legs are killing me.

I have to have a combination of magnesium and potassium together to make my cramps go away.

I may go back to John. My guyfriend is 20 years younger than me. HE does not require anything outside of making out so I know he stays within my boundaries and he's had his vaccine. But I will wait till July or August to see him, I still have to get my vaccine and need to lose some of this weight. I have a couple of new guy friends from OA.

I told my Mom's friends from AA C. and B, where my location was in the meditation group after I told them I was living alone they wanted to know. I suppose after they get back from their 2 week vacation they are planning to visit me sometime. My Mom would like to have them over. I guess that's good.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
Well the thing of it is I wanted to be strong, and strong enough to be alone and get to know myself and God for a long period. I can't do it, I need a guy friend to rely on.

John is safe for me. I know he's not going to try and push me into sex. We make out, sexless making out. He has Aspergers and is borderline autistic though he is high functioning, he can't drive but he can take the dart bus fine. This is why it's so expensive for him to come out here. He lives further out than Grapevine, so he has to get his grandma to drive him to the bus in grapevine then take it all the way to Mesquite which quits running at 5 pm.

Then I have to spend 8 bucks on him getting to my house, then 25 to get him back to the Garland Dart bus at night, then he spends his own money at night to get from the Grapevine stop to his house.

I don't mind spending 33 bucks a month once a month on him. But we use to go out to eat and sometimes went to the Church which is a Gothic club where young adults hang out and a few older people. When we went out and did things. with all the taxis and all Id end up spending over 100 bucks or more. I don't have it anymore, Ill pay the 33 a month but that's it. If we get back together we just have to stay home and not go out.

I loved The Lizard Lounge AKA The CHurch, it was fun, the older guys use to wink at me and raise their glass at me when I looked at them. It was fun. I loved the attention, I fit right in with young adults.

But we just have to stay home, I can get movies for us to watch or we can just watch tv and make out as far as that goes. But I am weak weak weak weak weak, wheres my girl power at? it went out with my loneliness!

I am still having a hard time with my food plan. I crave carbs too much. I'm gonna have to add a couple of cans of cokes a day to get through my plan. If it's just a little coke, 2 12 ounce cans is only 24 ounces, not bad considering I usually drink 3 liters a day. But I have to have a few carbs in my plan I won't make it.
 

Riders

Well-Known Member
ANyways, I am having such a hard time with my carbs now. I'm going to have to allow myself to drink cokes for now. If I still get rid of my sweet foods and fast foods I should be able to lose a little bit or at least maintain instead of gaining. I want to wean myself off them start out 4 cans a day then 3 then 2 then 1. Hopefully I can do that. But right no I need my coke if I'm going quit eating the junk, I just can't do without it.
 
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