So, earlier today while I was waking up before getting ready for work, I sat up in bed and stretched. As I finished stretching, my right eye lost vision halfway. On the left side of my field of view, I could see perfectly fine, but on the right hand side I could only perceive light. as I got up, I felt like I had a difficult time keeping my balance: I was all wobbly. I couldn't concentrate, and I could feel my cognizance leaving me. My short term memory was going away... It was a very surreal feeling.
So, I get to the ED, and they take it all very seriously. They start running different tests and thoroughly poke and prod me. They kept talking about "stroke," though as time goes on they switch over to "TIA." See, the problems went away 90% after 30 mins, but the remaining 10% of the problems finally went away after about 2-3 hours. My vitals, ct scan, blood screens, and everything else came back fine, so they sent me on my merry way.
I'm not out of the woods yet, though. Over the next 48 hours I have a 1 in 3 chance of having a full on stroke: assuming this is a TIA.
Honestly, though? I feel fine. I'm not really worried at all. I'm relaxed. Even in the midst of the attack, I felt no fear... Annoyance more than anything else, but no fear at all.
Fear of death is something me and my best friend have talked about before. She's a staunch atheist, but she's told me that if her life was threatened in a serious way, she thinks she'd plead to god for help. At one point in my life, I would have as well. Hell, when I jacked up my arm a few years back, I did pray hard. Since completing my religious deconstruction, though? It's not even a thought in my mind. The first thought on my mind now is in how I can solve the puzzle that a problem presents.
I think we all have different ways of dealing with things, though. Different factors cause us to respond in different ways. Certain stimuli can cause us to respond in fear, anger, laughter, or anything, really. We can change the way we respond to certain things, though... But that does take self awareness.
When I was religious, I was a very fearful person. I was afraid of supernatural evil, of being led astray by sinful people, and even god (or rather, breaking his rules). I've removed that fear from my life now, though... And life is good. Hmmm... I do feel like in ending my reliance on religion, I've since crucified my ego. Why be afraid? Life will carry on much like it always has long after I'm gone. Life is bigger than me.
One day we have to die... This is nothing to be afraid of, though. It's just the way of nature. Enjoy life while you can, because one day it will slip away sooner or later. The only part of us that gets to live on after we die are the consequences of our actions: so act thoughtfully. It really is as simple as that.
hm , over the past 10 years or so I occasionally have gotten a pretty weird blinding effect in one eye... It starts out as like a sort of undulating light pattern that starts real small, but then grows to cover the whole vision of the eye. After a time, it dissipates. I think this happened twice, maybe three times. I think maybe it happened on really bright summer days, and it kind of seemed like it might have had something to do with something I looked at, that was too bright in the wrong way? Or maybe sweating to my eye... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. My short term memory has sort of been slowly degrading as well I think, over the years. I am about to turn 35.. I kind of think some this might be related to the autism thing, but I don't know
On the fear of death .. I have been reading marcus aurelius back to back with the saga of the volsungs.. The common thread there, is a foundation of courage and fate , no room for fear in those pagan philosophies when talk about what the gods want from man. I find that that spiritual style seems to sort of help me, in living how I do.. climbing high on stuff, and operating dangerous machinery as a job
Two other diagnoses to consider besides TIA: nonconvulsive seizure with eye symptoms, and retinal migraine (was there a headache afterward?).
Ophthalmologic Manifestations of Epilepsy - EyeWiki
Retinal migraine: Causes, symptoms, and treatment