One Key Difference Between Love and Emotional Dependency

This is a bit simplified, but I believe it is sufficient for you to get the idea...



Please note these are tendencies rather than hard and fast rules.

To illustrate: Some years ago, I was close platonic friends with a woman I was in love with, but not much at all emotionally dependent on. Now and then Riley (fake name to protect the guilty) and I would go to a clothing optional resort in the San Luis Valley and soak in the hot springs.

One day, Riley and I were laughing at each other's jokes when she was suddenly distracted. A man climbing the trail that passed by our pool had caught her eye. I could tell she was attracted to him, and that made me wonder what might happen next.

A couple minutes later, I had my answer. Just as he was passing closest to our pool, Riley flashed him maybe the biggest grin I'd ever seen on her face. Without a moment's hesitation, he immediately reciprocated, flashing her a grin almost as big as hers. The two then exchanged some pleasantries as he hiked by, almost certainly headed to another pool further up the trail.

I could see Riley was elated, and because I loved her, but was not emotionally dependent on her, I was happy too. Happy she was happy.

Now, that's what happened, but suppose things were just little different. Suppose I had been emotionally dependent on Riley. What do you suppose would happen then?

Based on what I have experienced in different circumstances, had I been emotionally dependent on Riley, I would most likely have been jealous of the man, and maybe a bit upset with Riley herself.

Why?

Because I most likely would have felt he was a threat to my relationship with Riley. That is, since I am dependent on her, if he 'steals' her from me, I am going to suffer. I am going to feel the loss of her. Hence, my relationship to her becomes very important to me. Most likely, more important to me than her happiness.

Love -- if we're talking about the real thing here -- tends to align your feelings with those of the person you love. It makes their happiness more important to you than whether they 'belong' to you, than the relationship you have with them.

Now, I'm not going to argue with anyone who thinks the events described above would pan out in some other way. Maybe for them it would. But that's a difference -- one of many -- between love and emotional dependency to me. At least so far as I've experienced.

Relatively speaking, when you love someone, you care more about THEM. When you are emotionally dependent on someone, you care more about your RELATIONSHIP to them.

Sunstone said:

Relatively speaking, when you love someone, you care more about THEM. When you are emotionally dependent on someone, you care more about your RELATIONSHIP to them.

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Amen.

sun rise said:

Amen.

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Ever notice, my good man, how so very much popular music seems both to be about, and to encourage, emotional dependency while calling it 'love'? It's got to be at least half the most popular songs at any given time. They are idealizations of emotional dependency mislabeled 'love'.

That can't be healthy for our nation's ample supply of confused and lonely teens.

Sunstone said:

I could see Riley was elated, and because I loved her, but was not emotionally dependent on her, I was happy too. Happy she was happy.

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Beautiful experience and illustration of the Freedom created by "Love" (not being emotional dependant)

When I write "Love" capitalized, I mean "not being emotional dependant", otherwise I write it as "love"

Question: Would you call such Love "unconditional" vs emotional dependant being "conditional"?

Sunstone said:

When we love someone, we tend to be more concerned with them that with our relationship to them.

When we are emotionally dependent on someone, we tend to be more concerned with our relationship to them than we are with them.​

Please note these are tendencies rather than hard and fast rules.

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Interesting points.
I read your description of Riley and about the passing man.
The above points caused me to think about my situation.
I would say that both of the above descriptions fit me, but there is one more to add, or so I think.

I am very very concerned for and about Mrs B, her health and her happiness.
I am totally dependant upon her, both emotionally and in every other way. For instance, were she not there I don't know how I would go on.
I am absolutely fascinated by her and fancy her.

And that produces something like this:-
I love her, need her and fancy her.......... in any order.

Love, Need and Attraction.

But I have known wo/men who were completely free of all the above, neither emotionally loving nor needing nor sexually attracted to anybody. Switched off and asexual. I noticed that these wo/men happened to be either extreme gamblers, social drinkers, lone yachtspeople or motorheads.
They might be the truly free ones.

If someone I love has a tragedy then perhaps that leads to my emotional dependence on their condition. I will feel the tragedy. So in that way my emotions depend on their well being.

But the emotional dependence your speaking of is different. It's like a need for somebody to be attracted to me. A dependency due to a lack of something wanted badly. As if my whole valuation of myself depended on their approval or attraction.

I agree fully with your sentiments. That is one reason why it never bothers me if my wife looks at another man. For that matter, if she was so inclined, she could have a relationship with someone else.

Ultimately, I want her to be happy. I try to help her in that.

Polymath257 said:

I agree fully with your sentiments. That is one reason why it never bothers me if my wife looks at another man. For that matter, if she was so inclined, she could have a relationship with someone else.

Ultimately, I want her to be happy. I try to help her in that.

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I think it's reasonable to not want to be hurt by the people you love, though. And even though you ultimately want them to be happy, it shouldn't be their happiness at the expense of yours. That's just a different type of codependency.

Having good communication and expectations about a relationship helps with that. 'If you find that you are no longer happy with me, I wouldn't want to make you unhappy by trying to force you to stay. But if you care about me, let me know when you want to leave instead of doing something like cheating when having a monogamous relationship makes me happy.' Or if you want a poly or open relationship, make that clear ahead of time.

ADigitalArtist said:

I think it's reasonable to not want to be hurt by the people you love, though. And even though you ultimately want them to be happy, it shouldn't be their happiness at the expense of yours. That's just a different type of codependency.

Having good communication and expectations about a relationship helps with that. 'If you find that you are no longer happy with me, I wouldn't want to make you unhappy by trying to force you to stay. But if you care about me, let me know when you want to leave instead of doing something like cheating when having a monogamous relationship makes me happy.' Or if you want a poly or open relationship, make that clear ahead of time.

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Oh, absolutely. Clear communication about desires and expectations is a key to any relationship. Also, having clear communication about uncertainties and doubts is important (and often harder).

In the poly community, it is said the three most important things are communication, communication, and communication.

Sunstone said:

Ever notice, my good man, how so very much popular music seems both to be about, and to encourage, emotional dependency while calling it 'love'? It's got to be at least half the most popular songs at any given time. They are idealizations of emotional dependency mislabeled 'love'.

That can't be healthy for our nation's ample supply of confused and lonely teens.

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We start out dependent in love for parents. Some mature to go beyond dependency.

I always tell people, "How can I love you if I can't love me"?

stvdv said:

Question: Would you call such Love "unconditional" vs emotional dependant being "conditional"?

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Thanks for the question. I intend to address the question of whether love is unconditional in a future journal article, so I will not go into that question here. However, it seems very clear to me that emotional dependency is conditional.

Polymath257 said:

Ultimately, I want her to be happy. I try to help her in that.

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There is certainly a joy to be found in seeing the happiness of a loved one. Yet, from what I have seen, it is difficult for emotionally dependent people -- people who are usually more concerned about the relationship they have with someone than they are concerned with that someone -- to fully experience that joy. And that is especially true when there is anything about the happiness of their lover that might negatively impact their relationship with them.

From where I sit, our culture is almost toxic for love, but encourages emotional dependency. A great example of that -- and one I am sure you will appreciate -- is how it elevates and 'ennobles' the taste or preference many people have for monogamy into a virtue. It simply is not necessary to deem preferring monogamy a virtue unless you are trying to convince people who are actually unhappy with it, who have no taste or preference for it, to force themselves into it or to force themselves to stick with it.

I can't tell if I'm making any sense. I'm half asleep at the moment. Time for a nap

Sunstone said:

There is certainly a joy to be found in seeing the happiness of a loved one.

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There's a word in the poly community that is specifically the joy of seeing your partner happy with another partner: compersion.

Not an emotion emotionally dependent people are likely to experience often.

Polymath257 said:

There's a word in the poly community that is specifically the joy of seeing your partner happy with another partner: compersion.

Not an emotion emotionally dependent people are likely to experience often.

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"Compersion". A very useful word. I'd like to remember it, but at my age it can sometimes be a chore to recall little used information. *sigh*.

I recently had an interesting experience along the lines of this discussion. A friend of mine, exceedingly dear to me, found a very good lover. She wasn't quite my partner, but I had hopes of that in due time. Still, it made me so happy when she burst into happiness with her new lover. Now I know there's a word for that kind of happiness. Compersion. I've experienced it now and then with various people, but this is the first I've heard of a word for it. Thanks, Poly!

ADigitalArtist said:

I think it's reasonable to not want to be hurt by the people you love, though. And even though you ultimately want them to be happy, it shouldn't be their happiness at the expense of yours. That's just a different type of codependency.

Having good communication and expectations about a relationship helps with that. 'If you find that you are no longer happy with me, I wouldn't want to make you unhappy by trying to force you to stay. But if you care about me, let me know when you want to leave instead of doing something like cheating when having a monogamous relationship makes me happy.' Or if you want a poly or open relationship, make that clear ahead of time.

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Your post reminds me that I missed out one of the essentials.
Trust.

It's all about Love, Need, Attraction and Trust.

sun rise said:

We start out dependent in love for parents. Some mature to go beyond dependency.

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We should bear in mind that the same term can have multiple meanings, and that people often think they are discussing the same thing when in reality they are discussing two different things that go by the same name.

osgart said:

If someone I love has a tragedy then perhaps that leads to my emotional dependence on their condition. I will feel the tragedy. So in that way my emotions depend on their well being.

But the emotional dependence your speaking of is different. It's like a need for somebody to be attracted to me. A dependency due to a lack of something wanted badly. As if my whole valuation of myself depended on their approval or attraction.

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We must remember that the same term can have more than one meaning, and that it's often the case that two people attempting to discuss the same thing are nevertheless discussing two different things that go by the same name.

The 'emotional dependency' of the OP is characterized by placing the relationship one has with someone above that someone in importance. The term 'emotional intimacy' is not always used to refer to that sort of thing. Sometimes the term means something else, something very different from what it means in the OP.

Sunstone said:

We should bear in mind that the same term can have multiple meanings, and that people often think they are discussing the same thing when in reality they are discussing two different things that go by the same name.

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The word 'love' is especially a problem in English. Other languages do better such as Greek.