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Relationships across Ideological divides

Laika

Well-Known Member
Premium Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

Maybe they think the world is flat. Or that their pet cat is the reincarnation of a long-dead grandmother. Or you find them engaged in some kind of satanic ritual, or worshipping at the alter of a god you've never heard before. Or they think the Second World War should have ended differently. Or North Korea is the freest, happiest place on earth. Maybe they wave a Confederate Flag and think everyone should have slaves. Who doesn't want someone taking care of our every whim after all? Or maybe they want to offer up themselves as a human sacrifice to an ancient deity?

Whatever it is, it baffles and unsettles you. Yet, they smile at you and make you feel loved and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are just being ungrateful.

What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?
 

PureX

Veteran Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

Maybe they think the world is flat. Or that their pet cat is the reincarnation of a long-dead grandmother. Or you find them engaged in some kind of satanic ritual, or worshipping at the alter of a god you've never heard before. Or they think the Second World War should have ended differently. Or North Korea is the freest, happiest place on earth. Maybe they wave a Confederate Flag and think everyone should have slaves. Who doesn't want someone taking care of our every whim after all? Or maybe they want to offer up themselves as a human sacrifice to an ancient deity?

Whatever it is, it baffles and unsettles you. Yet, they smile at you and make you feel loved and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are just being ungrateful.

What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?
This happens. I have experienced it. And it just shows me how unimportant our beliefs are relative to our way of being. So I would (and did) work at being understanding of the other's beliefs, and try to accommodate them as best I could, hoping, of course, that they will do the same for me (they didn't :( ).
 

exchemist

Veteran Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

Maybe they think the world is flat. Or that their pet cat is the reincarnation of a long-dead grandmother. Or you find them engaged in some kind of satanic ritual, or worshipping at the alter of a god you've never heard before. Or they think the Second World War should have ended differently. Or North Korea is the freest, happiest place on earth. Maybe they wave a Confederate Flag and think everyone should have slaves. Who doesn't want someone taking care of our every whim after all? Or maybe they want to offer up themselves as a human sacrifice to an ancient deity?

Whatever it is, it baffles and unsettles you. Yet, they smile at you and make you feel loved and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are just being ungrateful.

What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?
What you do is give up on communism and join the modern world. :D
 

ADigitalArtist

Veteran Member
Staff member
Premium Member
Depends on what the ideological divide is. There are dealbreakers, especially if it's one where people end up suffering (extreme racism or transphobia for example) I wouldn't pursue the relationship. Hard to love someone you don't respect.

But there are plenty of religious, social, philosophical and political opinions I have that differs from my husband and that is not only quite okay but something I'm glad for. How boring woul it be if we were the same?
 

Laika

Well-Known Member
Premium Member
This happens. I have experienced it. And it just shows me how unimportant our beliefs are relative to our way of being. So I would (and did) work at being understanding of the other's beliefs, and try to accommodate them as best I could, hoping, of course, that they will do the same for me (they didn't :( ).

I'm sorry to hear that. It's good you made the effort though. :)
 
What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?

It sort of depends on what the belief is and how much it forms an important part of their life.

Differing religious or political beliefs that fall within the spectrum of 'normal' would usually be no problem.

Really odd beliefs, but that are fundamentally harmless, you can work around. My ex was terrified of ghosts (actually a lot of people here are) and the dark which I find ridiculous. If during the night she wanted a glass of water from the kitchen, I'd have to turn the light on as you had to walk about 5 paces in the dark to get to it. I also once went down to the shop in my apartment building, when I came back 5 mins later my front door was wide open and she was crying because she heard a noise and got frightened by the 'ghost'.

Mostly I just laughed about it, although it could be somewhat annoying. Every now and again I'd convince her to watch a horror movie which usually ended with her looking at the wall with her headphones in.

Another ex really disliked homosexuality, although she never went on about it, and would be friendly towards gay people she met. As such it wasn't really a problem and I'd just tease her about it. If she had actually been offensive towards gay people she met, it would have been a problem though.

In general, as long as they don't keep going on about it all the time, it isn't something disturbing (like X should be killed), and it doesn't cause any social problems then I can probably live with it.
 

Milton Platt

Well-Known Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

Maybe they think the world is flat. Or that their pet cat is the reincarnation of a long-dead grandmother. Or you find them engaged in some kind of satanic ritual, or worshipping at the alter of a god you've never heard before. Or they think the Second World War should have ended differently. Or North Korea is the freest, happiest place on earth. Maybe they wave a Confederate Flag and think everyone should have slaves. Who doesn't want someone taking care of our every whim after all? Or maybe they want to offer up themselves as a human sacrifice to an ancient deity?

Whatever it is, it baffles and unsettles you. Yet, they smile at you and make you feel loved and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are just being ungrateful.

What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?

t would depend entirely upon the relationship itself, the specific disagreeable belief and how it informs their actions. Each and every case is unique.
 

SomeRandom

Still learning to be wise
Staff member
Premium Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

Maybe they think the world is flat. Or that their pet cat is the reincarnation of a long-dead grandmother. Or you find them engaged in some kind of satanic ritual, or worshipping at the alter of a god you've never heard before. Or they think the Second World War should have ended differently. Or North Korea is the freest, happiest place on earth. Maybe they wave a Confederate Flag and think everyone should have slaves. Who doesn't want someone taking care of our every whim after all? Or maybe they want to offer up themselves as a human sacrifice to an ancient deity?

Whatever it is, it baffles and unsettles you. Yet, they smile at you and make you feel loved and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are just being ungrateful.

What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?
My father was an old school traditional (ish) Protestant from the “old world” who was still oddly progressive in his politics.
My mother is a staunch Hindu who came from literally a different paradigm. The colonised East.
Through they had their ups and downs, they were successfully married for 17 years. Until his death.
Sometimes you can make it work. Sometimes you can’t :shrug:
 

Mindmaster

Well-Known Member
Premium Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

If that's a problem (in bold), you don't love them you just love the idea of loving them. Move the heck on...

Love provides automatic tolerance and understanding if it's real. There is no thinking of the self -- you don't worry whether they agree or disagree with you, but rather that they're happy. There are millions of things I disagree with my wife with, but none of them are more important than her. That's what love is... especially in the case that it goes both ways.

I had a friend who was an ex-white power guy, but he met this Muslima and gave it all up for her. You seriously couldn't have two completely different takes on ideology than that. But, love makes that happen... He got past his disagreements with her, and vice-versa. There are many things culturally that will tend to cause them to disagree, but they've always moved passed it. They've been together ten years and both work hard while having several kids. If these two can do it, I think anyone can. :D

Anyway, if you expect anyone to conform to your beliefs or you will deny them love you're the one with brain damage and the one with the problem, lol.
 

PureX

Veteran Member
I'm sorry to hear that. It's good you made the effort though. :)
Still stung, though. But that was many years ago. And there may well have been other reasons why we would not have been compatible over time. It's impossible to know these things. Her father grew up in a very class-minded culture (Sri Lanka) and saw me, as a carpenter (at the time), as being in an inferior class. So was very against our union.
 

Left Coast

This Is Water
Staff member
Premium Member
Imagine the scenario.

You meet someone. They are really attractive. They have a wonderful smile. You have a really great time with them and share very interesting conversations with them. They are successful. They are independent. And the sex is so good you catch yourself wondering if it should be illegal. For once in your life, you feel like you've found someone who finally understands you. They're perfect...

...Except, there is one problem. You learn that your partner has some very extreme and disagreeable beliefs.

Maybe they think the world is flat. Or that their pet cat is the reincarnation of a long-dead grandmother. Or you find them engaged in some kind of satanic ritual, or worshipping at the alter of a god you've never heard before. Or they think the Second World War should have ended differently. Or North Korea is the freest, happiest place on earth. Maybe they wave a Confederate Flag and think everyone should have slaves. Who doesn't want someone taking care of our every whim after all? Or maybe they want to offer up themselves as a human sacrifice to an ancient deity?

Whatever it is, it baffles and unsettles you. Yet, they smile at you and make you feel loved and you doubt yourself and wonder if you are just being ungrateful.

What do you do? Do you try to understand what they believe, reason with them persuade them out of it? Do you continue the relationship or end it?

My first boyfriend was much more politically conservative than me. We got along great, though I didn't realize at the time just how conservative he was (he voted for Ben Carson in the 2016 primary - how do you do that as a gay person??).

We didn't date long enough to really fight about it, but knowing what I know now I'm glad we aren't together. Certain bedrock values really should be shared for a long-term relationship to work. Otherwise you're just going to create more conflict and suffering down the road.
 
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