Interview the Spider-Man of Alcatraz

stvdv said:

You still think you need a religion after having experienced such a chain of @PopeADope miracles

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Closest things to qualify as Miracles

I survived multiple broken bones and a concussion from jumping off a building onto concrete and I'm still able to run, the doctor said my two torn meniscuses should prevent my knees from having the range of motion they have, said what he's seeing is not normal, and I was walking out of my wheelchair so much sooner than predicted that nurses were restraining me to keep me in it.

I also nearly drowned while trapped in the rapids near a dam, and I escaped in the last minutes by going to the bottom and kicking off of the rocks. By the time I reached land I was blind, could not see from oxygen deprivation, could barely walk, felt like puking, and had splitting headaches for the rest of the day. I'd say were I stuck for another minute in those rapids, I'd not have made it.

I laid down in front of a transit train in the middle of the night. The metro transit trains sometimes do not have an engineer behind the wheels, due to everything taking place automatically. The engineer was there and did see me though they have no reason to pay attention at those hours. I have seen the trains steering wheel and seat completely unattended at those hours. When I saw the bright light in the distance heading my way, I laid down on the track, hoping and expecting that no one would be behind the wheel, as was the case in the past at that time. The train stopped, and the police were there very quickly to cuff me and put me in the loony bin.

Were I to have had access to a train higher off the ground in walking distance, I would have gone into the train from the side as planned, getting my head severed or torn in half by the wheels, which was my goal that early morning of being homeless. I just stumbled across a train that I'd have to get to run over me from the front, because it was not high enough off the ground to succeed by moving into it's side between the wheels.. Were that train just a foot higher off the ground, I'd be guaranteed to not be communicating with you (and someone would have had quite a mess to clean up), because I was not about to hesitate to commit an act that had a 100% guarantee of death that night/morning. Fortunately, the only times I was 100% sure and determined to die, were times I did not have access to guaranteed death, nor the patience to wait for access.

Anyway, I had a grand mal seizure withdrawing from benzodiazepines who's withdrawal can be fatal. I spit up blood and apparently vomit in a drug overdose , laying on my back, which can be fatal from inhalation. I took a potentially lethal amounts of methadone from someone else's medicine cabinet, stopped breathing or responding to pain and pressure points, and by the time medics got there to put me on oxygen, they declared my oxygen level to be low enough to cause permanent mental retardation. ( Some would argue that they we're correct in that assessment LOL )

I drank what my therapist said was a half-gallon of hand-sanitizer and was found unresponsive.

Not sure if surviving any of those qualifies as miracles or not, but I do not believe I would have survived this long, or gone from being a hateful sociopath to being deeply compassionate, sensitive, and thoughtful, without the help of a supernatural Force that is greater than what material beings have to offer.

In fact, it is reaching out to the Kami (spirits) and my maker that has brought the transformation and growth as well as the desire to stay alive and kicking in a body so full of complaints and human miseries.

Some of my reasons for longing for death is the desire to be purely a spirit, a form that more resembles supernatural Deities or Yahweh, and no longer feel hunger, body odor, fatigue, bodily wastes, or need for sleep, nutrition, money, and medication. If there is no such thing as spirits, well I would not regret offing myself, so why not?

Through prayer, I came to realize how much my suicide would hurt my family and prevent me from helping people. So, now want to live, just hate much about the material world and find the body to be a filthy beast and burden.

Just the fact that I don't get temptations to suicide anymore, to the extent I could have a loaded revolver in reaching distance at all times, without it being a temptation, I see as miraculous improvement. It used to be that I could not see a train without an immediate impulse to let it crush me, could not stand at a great height without temptation to jump, and my first trip to a psych ward was in the fifth grade when my mother's boyfriend took me hunting and I shared with him the temptation to turn the gun on myself and blow my brains out.

From Demoniac, lunatic, villain, and inmate, to Spider-Man

RF members no doubt can see that there are signs of neurosis and slips of sobriety in some of my posts, but if only you could see the man I used to be who got his GED in a correctional facility, a place where I spent most of my high school years. If only you could see how officers had to restrain and drag me to mycell on a daily basis (for we were allowed (by law )time out of our cell every single day, so every single day I took that opportunity to refuse to return to confinement, creating daily a unit disturbance requiring physical restraint and sometimes pepper spray, causing more such disturbances in quantity then any other person in the history of pine hills correctional facility [because they were a daily thing], leading the warden to invent a special type of recreation just for me, where the right to recreation was simply pacing a hallway near my cell, next to an officer.

Having nothing to do with my time, I screamed low gutteral noises like a demoniac in need of an exorcism, always coming up with the most foul and bloodthirsty rhymes and lyrics, too sick for even juggalos (fans of Insane Clown Possee). I delighted in being sinister and depraved, threw urine on officers when they came in my cell to extract me or do inspection. They came into my cell covered from head to toe like astronauts with pexiglass shields, for they knew they'd get sprayed with bodily fluids an God knows what.

I ripped up my mattress, threw the stuffing everywhere, ripped my shirt into one long chord of fabric and used it to strangle myself, strangled myself to the point of passing out on multiple occasions, ripped my light off the wall and grabbed wires coming out of the wall to electrocute myself, had no concern for consequences or ramifications of such animal-like behavior (and that's an insult to animals.)

But despite appearing fearless, my demonic howlings seemed to summon an 8 legged, 8 eyed, fanged and venemous beast from hell, my greatest fear, which came into my cell, and crawled onto the wall.

It was one Disturbed man

alone and locked up with his greatest phobia.

But despite my lack of concern with having noble qualities, still valued fearlessness, and knew that killing the creature would be the coward's solution.

I simply sat and stared, wishing now I could see the pure horror on my face, thinking I was so hardcore, then scared to death of a little, harmless, fragile creature with an exoskeleton.

Life was so boring in that cell that exposure to a greatest fear was worthwhile, but damn it scared me to death. I had no such fear of the Devil himself or a ghost coming to my cell, and invited them and all of hell's monsters, for I loved monsters, lived with rapists and murderers, had no fear of death, and here I was, terrified of a little dinky spider that can't hurt me.

I just got as close as I could , gazing at it like it was to be worshipped, for hours, frustrated that the fear wouldn't leave.

Keep in mind, I was haunted by nightmares of spiders as a child

that would make squealing noises as they bit and were hard to kill. As a kid, my mom's basement had many spiders. I feared putting shoes on at times , for fear of a spider being in it. I woke up with a spider on me once and could not get back to sleep and had symptoms of PTSD.

I was a lover of creepy critters like snakes, but spiders were just over the top creepy with their 8 eyes, 8 legs, fangs, fur, and venom.

So i kept watching, annoyed by my inability to just hurry up and stop being a wimp, eventually moving him from wall to desk via cup, and there I began poking him with my pen, scared to death when he would stand on his hind legs, or sometimes he would look at me from his rear-view, standing upside down with butt in the air over his head , looking back at me, making what appeared to be eye contact, and showing off his fangs. Those defensive postures/stances when I poked him/her from behind frightened me the most.

I kept a sock over my hand, and long story short, eventually let the creature on my hand with a sock between us. On one occasion he ran onto my forearm, our first bodily contact, and I was suddenly surprised. I didn't jump and fling him accross the room as would have earlier been liable to happen, but watched, waiting for the bite I deserved for all my tormenting him/her.

To be continued...

(I'm Typing up ideas for a life-story some people recommend I write. Ask me any question, including the one’s that seem most inappropriate or uncomfortable. Insults are welcome as well. I’ve got thick skin.)

Is there a particular cause/reason that started your desire to end life? Did you have it also in you youth?

He/she just stood there, crawled around, and showed no signs of hostilities towards me, and surprisingly i let it happen, the adrenaline rush was suddenly pure delight, and for whatever reason a fearlessness came from nowhere, and i decided, "I want this thing to bite me. So I pressed down on him, pushing him down into my forearm (animal cruelty is not okay so don't follow that procedure) and expecting a bee sting type of sensation in the flesh, looked down to see that indeed he was biting me , and I didn't even know I was being bitten. I saw the fangs enter and a white bump form, but felt no pain. That moment I felt a euphoria flood my brain with Dopamine or whatever, that was better than drugs, for the monster which haunted me all my life was no longer even mildly scary but loveable.

I shared my new love and creepy passion with the other inmates, even having the Spidey bite my tongue and dangle there, teaching everybody that many of our fears are irrational and my greatest phobia, the second most common phobia on earth, (the number one scariest creature God or evolution brought about), is actually a disorder that unlike many disorders, can be cured for a lifetime, without remission or a trace of it returning.

To prove that I'm cured, the pet shop I go to has red marks and warnings attached to the most dangerous of spiders for sale, and I decided to see if they could phase me. The one with wet bites that shot pain from the tip of my finger to my shoulder for roughly an hour did not bring arachnaphobia back. The tunneling baboon who made my hand swell like a baseball, or the creep that hisses + stands on hind legs and lunges, or my whole forearm swelling from those wild species in multiple different states I've held, or the apparent hobo-spider bite (my dad's house has the infamous highly venemous hobospider), which caused my skin to become necrotic and peel, and all other tests to see if arachnophobia would return, brought back not a trace of it.

In fact, if you catch a black widow or brown recluse and wish to meet me to challenge me to a test, I bet you a thousand dollars I'll hold it, for without a doubt I know I will, you just have to pay for transportation.

If you are @SomeRandom or are an Aussie, I'd not hold some of the arachnids in your neck of the woods however, but those are so rare compared to the more than 99.9% of spiders are a most common fear but pose no threat.

It's pretty stupid, when the animal linked to the greatest phobia of all creatures, is completely harmless in 99.9% of it's forms.

Many men who are not afraid of working on top of buildings, sky-diving, bungee jumping, public speaking, or even death itself, are scared of spiders. Fear of heights is actually a worthwhile rational fear, and yet fear of spiders is more common.

So, the spider has been by far the most useful creature and the best teacher of all animal life, for a chronic fear was quickly cured without a trace returning, and by facing my fear I realized I loved my fear above all creatures.

The new Spider-Man behaved himself to get off restriction status and get a job mowing the grass and working in the gardens. The largest wild spiders I had ever seen at that time could be found, because eastern Montana had much larger species than what is found in Western Montana or other places I lived.

When I found one, it was like a child with a new favorite toy or a living treasure. I brought them and many species back to my cell. Some would chew on me, drawing and sucking my blood, and it felt like Christ at the last supper, giving his body and blood to his apostles to nourish their souls (Holy communion).

My love for spiders was idolatrous, to the point where at times I had to imagine God choosing to take on the form of the largest, most perfect , colorful, exotic, expensive and rarest of ornamental tarantulas, so as to make God appear most loveable to me, and increase my longing for him. Hey, God can meet each person where they are at and manifest in different forms.

Officers were afraid to pat me down or enter the cell of the spooky Spider-Man, seeing how swollen my forearms or fingers were at times from letting them chow down.

As the superhero needed the spider bite to have superpowers, I felt that there was a Spiritual grace given through spider bites (and I have just as much credibility as those who claim grace to be released through the Holy Eucharist or any ritual.) It was a Spider bite that revolutionized me, changing my destiny, for handling the spider was not enough. I needed it to climax with a bite, or traces of fear would still be there, fear of the unknown bite sensation. It was after the bite that a flood of Dopamine with whatever else went through my brain, for it was then that I knew that I loved my greatest fear, loved even it's bite, and that not a trace of the fear would ever again trouble me.

The inmates nicknamed me "the Spider-Man of Alcatraz" after the bird man of Alcatraz, and the spider revolutionized and improved my behavior so that I could have access to the outdoors for the purpose of bonding with the creature that was destiny and spirit-animal (if ever there were such a thing as spirit-totems/spirit animals).

Here is my mugshot, but unfortunately, of the many mugshots I've had, the only one I can find is when I was being a total wimp

















Spiders and women

(just in case you are new to RF and have not seen my youtube channel this woman who had never held a spider before took the most aggressive and venomous species of tarantula and was letting it crawl on her face and hair and all over. I was actually scared, because it would have made her face swell up, and it can move very fast, but she insisted, and it was a huge sigh of relief when the spider was back in it's cage, but was impressed with her boldness, for my first encounter with an arachnid was one far less harmless and I was much wimpy in comparison to her. Even seasoned tarantula owners will often not hold certain baboon tarantulas, and most pet shops don't sell them. This love for arachnids I have only seen primarily in women who one would assume are naturally more scared of creepy crawlers. Experience tells me that isn't true. In fact, nearly all people I know who are seasoned in the Spider-collecting hobbie are female).


Spiders are the animal that symbolizes the female gender and they can cause women to come to you. I've experienced it so am sure you can have similar results. This girl didn't want to get within thirty feet of my spider at first then after holding it, kept returning for more.

I've actually gotten laid as a result of helping someone overcome arachnaphobia. At least I think that was the reason, because she had no sign of interest in me prior to that.

I don't ask women to be on my youtube channel anymore, cuz I've realized it makes them uncomfortable and I've been told to remove vids afterwards, but I wish I could show you some of the hot bikini babes who will come up to you and want to be photographed with your spider at the beach.

Taking a dog out in public will not draw the chicks to you like taking a BIG spider. Not even close! Big ones are nice, but ladies like em even better when they're enormous.

You will quickly have the attention of the beach and lifeguards and people interviewing you. The scared people will draw in the most with their reactions. Everyone will turn their heads wanting to know what is going on, and some women like the presence of danger and creepiness, as long as they know there is no real threat.

Explain that spiders are the animal that symbolizes the female gender, female energy, girl-power, and Divine femininity, likely due to spiders being the most female-dominant of all animals. Don't sound flattering or be over-complimenting the female gender like you're obsessed, just present something that can in subtle ways make them proud of their gender or see in the spider a symbol of female-power.

Explain that female Tarantulas grow much larger than males, live much longer, and often kill their male lovers.

It gets the ladies interested, and then, like a salesman, explain how they have the opportunity to revolutionize their lives right now by simply holding the product that worked a miracle for you, and I proceed to explain why it was so life-changing.

....to be continued

More on Spiders and Women...

This is just my personal experience and not a reflection of women on average, but most into the hobbie of collecting them and who I'm referred to when I have questions about Tarantula-care, are women. Tarantulas will draw women to you, and women are less afraid of them and more crazy about them than men as a general rule. The only people I have given away Tarantulas to for free were women for this reason.


The females who are drawn to your creepy critters, will find themselves in likely a situation that they have not been in, with an opportunity presented that hasn't been presented before, and might not be presented in the future, therefore it will be an interesting situation for them. The opportunity to hold the world's most feared creature, and crush the phobia. Spiders are not to be owned for the main purpose of attracting women, but I'm presenting a benefit of owning them that might motivate certain men. Getting anyone to overcome a fear is just as rewarding, but I'm simply saying Tarantulas are a way to get women to come to you and initiate conversation, who otherwise would not be conversing with you. Find a really colorful ornamental Tarantula as well for aesthetic purposes. Chicks will be drawn to it's beauty and artistic excellence.



Present the spider as a persecuted and most senselessly slaughtered victim based on external appearance that they have no control over, appealing to your audiences compassion.

Explain that spiders are great friends of humans, keeping down the populations of flies, mosquitoes, and crop eaters, and they are repaid with hatred and mass-murder, to stir up feelings of Injustice.

Get them to hold the spider over grass rather than hard terrain or hold it while close to the ground in case they drop it, for tarantulas are quite fragile, breaking legs and rupturing abdomen to the point of bleeding to death just from falling 4 feet onto a hard surface.

Anyway, trust me , women that ordinarily would have nothing to do with my creepy eccentric a$$, hang out and have long discussions thanks to spider-man's critters. They will see the crowd of interested people surrounding you as well and if you go by the name of a superhero (Spider-Man) that helps. Then, after you give an educated answer to spider-questions, ask them questions about themselves.

A hottie who used to treat me like a loser walked by a crowd of people who were drawn to my spiders. With a new attitude she suprized me after that when she initiated conversation with me stating, "that was quite a crowd you had around you the other night."
I cherish the look on her face, because whatever it was, looked like the expression, "I find you interesting now and am not too stuck up to hang out with you ( as they were doing) .I'd like to spend more time with you and get to know you better.". Well, whatever the look meant, we did become friends, till desire to be more than friends ruined it a bit.

That same night a stranger who didn't even give me his name gave me 14 bucks for spider food. I did not ask for money.


Regarding phobias of women....Women can be scary creatures lol, hard for men to understand and relate to, and the treatment of arachnophobia is the same as treatment for fear of women and fear of most creatures. You must not run away from your fear, face your fear, get exposure to the scariest ones, grow thicker skin, get immune to their venom, and you may discover that what you were most afraid of was what most put you back together.

Avoiding your fear
Even if you have nightmares and PTSD symptoms of it as I had of spiders, is the absolute worst possible approach to irrational phobias.

stvdv said:

Is there a particular cause/reason that started your desire to end life? Did you have it also in you youth?

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Yes, as a youth I had a chronic preoccupation with wanting to die and death itself

PopeADope said:

Yes, as a youth I had a chronic preoccupation with wanting to die and death itself

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I had also preoccupation with death, not wanting to die when young though. When my great grandmother died, at the funeral I checked out if she really was dead (I was around 8), my grandmother saw this, and said "if I die, you please also check out, I don't want to be buried alife ... which I did, ca. 25 years later).

The book "der Hungerkunstler" (Kafka) intriqued me when young (but I always ate a lot). Later I discovered I have kidney insufficiëntie and am forced to become
Hungerkunstler myself now to stay alive.

Interesting to see those interests I had years earlier were kind of flash forwards (as if something in me already knew the future).

Did you find any such connections, why you were intrigued by death. I do not believe in coincidence. Everything is connected somehow (that's what I experience more and more).

Edit: Read all other posts now. Maybe you will become a famous Spider writer, hence they came on your way, because personal first hand experience is best material for writing interesting books I think.

Great posts you made here. Good and interesting to read. Nice pictures of girls and spiders also.

Amazing videos of the women trusting you to trust the Tarantulas.

Maybe in future kids will be reading about "Matt the incredible Spiderman and his Spiderwomen"

Overcoming this major fear might be a spiritual superboost.