Religion and spirituality Journal;

So he was freaky crazy, then he left me at a trucking lounge where I watched a movie with the guys, they had a tv room. I watched point of no return movie while I was there and this guy picked me up. I went with him, he got me a shower, gave me 10 bucks for a shower.

He gave me the choice of having sex with him or if I did not hed still keep me. So I had sex with him. He was a Christian guy. I told him a little of my situation, He told me what you don't understand is if you stay on this path now, and don't take this out I'm giving you, you'll never get out of this trucking lot lizzard situation and you'll probably be dead in 1 or 2 years.

So he gave me 20 for sex and dropped me off at a trucking lounge in Withville Virginia Flying Js which is still there and the phone number to an Assembly Of God shelter that was in that city. So I called them they came and got me. I got in the shower, scallding hot water, and soaked and scraped my skin but good getting that trucker experience off me. It was disgusting, The grossest nastiest experience ever ever had. Bleh yuck gross.

I never went back to face to face prostitution, phone sex operator is one thing but gross also but face to face prostitution yikes disgusting! Don't fool yourself into think lots of pretty young girls and they're all pretty I was a fatty there are big lot lizzards out there.

I've seen videos on youtube, one of a cops episode where the lady cop was saying this ain't pretty woman, she was at trucker lounge where some lot lizzards were one of them heroin addict old lady, she was like 60 years old and bald!

Truck drivers are not picky sorry to offend any truck drivers out there.

Anyways I'm glad I never returned, I called my parents 4 days after i got there, the shelter encouraged me to go home. One month later I went hme on a Greyhound my parents were so happy to see me! We ate at the mcdonalds at the greyhound terminal, it was the best hamburger I had ever had!

So Ill go back abit, in the psych wards the first one I was in at 12 Children Medical Center in Dallas tx. I was psychotic and would not speak to people for awhile, my parents had bad problems, my Mom use to inappropriately tell me about the second husband who raped her and talked shamefully about men and sex, this was when she was drunk.

I had sexual stage wearing my hair down and ling tight v neck tops and such lots of make up at 12 and 13 and my Mom called me nasty female sexist name which I wont say. She talked down to my Dad they slapped each other around in front of me, I was in shock a lot and my my Mom told me nasty sex stories about how terrible men were.

Later on in my twenties she got better about that, But my Mom has always been blunt about sex and up tills he died told lots of racy stories about men and kind of talked nasty her whole life, it was asexually charged environment, though a lot of alcoholics are like that.

I was crazy when i was 12 and 13. But they sent me to CMC in Dallas. Back then in 79 it was suppose to be a boys only childrens psych ward. They had 2 girls and built up to 5 of us girls before i left, sense we were ont he same ward with the boys it was against the law.

I feel ok about letting that out here though, because I was not traumatized by that fact, The oldest age you could be there was 13 it was a childrens ward not a teen ward, so I think everyone was ok with it.

I was in shock, and I started screaming when I saw my parents leave and the doors close behind them, I threw a screaming fit and they locked me up in the quite room, another name for a rubber room. But after I calmed down a bit I went to my own room where I had an 8 year old room mate who was anorexic named diana. I weighed 120, 20 pounds over weight and I felt like a whale.

I wanted what she had so we became friends. We both liked Blondie, we listened to Blondie songs and went to s school there, I remember One Way Or Another.

I was still scared a lot and a boy named Dave blonde hair and kind of tough befriended me and use to walk me to the cafeteria, he was 13 and he walked me to school classes although I think all we had was english reading and math, then we went to therapy and counseling,schooling wasn't very good there.

We use to go to this park in the afternoons on fridays. Daves Dad was in prison for drug dealing and taking drugs, Dave was a behavior problem child. His Dad and he went to KISS concerts and he was a KISS freak like his Dad,

He gave me my first kiss, its a word pun got my first kiss from a KISS freak. My name is Elizabeth, I found out later boys who listened to kiss wanted to have sex first with girls named Beth or Elizabeth because of the song BETH! LOL! We did not have sex of course not we did make out a lot though.

Eventually I got use to the grind up there, went home on the weekends and they released me 6 months later. I went to the Baptists churches youth group till I was 14 after that and when my Mom dropped out of the Baptist church so did I.

The Baptists church first condemned her for drinking in front of everyone, this was after she had been drinking for 4 years as an alcoholic , she was also a Sunday school teacher, i suppose they were shocked to find out how non

Christian she was with her drinking.

Then when she went to AA to solve her drinking issues instead of church Brother Lawrence rebuked her for going to AA to solve her problems instead of the Lord. My Mom officially dropped out of Christianity. In AA she decided to go with a higher power of her understanding. They looked at me like was a demon posses'd child and I dropped out too.
Churches are not very forgiving or accepting some of them.

My Mom started going to AA and brought em to Alateen at a group in Mesquite Tx,the Downtown Mesquite group, which does not exist anymore. I became more universal in my thinking then because Alateen taught me too.

Nut my sister had started going to an Assembly of God church in Mesquite and had took em with her some too,..so I also had that experience.

Tobecontinued.

So I went to a livestream class on Buddha its on Friday nights, there's an older lady monk who does it. Usually shes really good and can make us think and laugh about certain things going on in the world. She comes off as being very liberal mostly but made a mistake tonight.

She was talking about the Virginia governor who got into trouble because he was wearing black face and standing next to KKK dressed up person in his old college annual. She was laughing about it. She said the way they get into trouble for stuff that happened in the past he was probably just fooling around no big deal, she said a lot of people in the south were like that then.

LOL tis funny the stereotypes folks have if us southerners, most of the people there were from Canada Boston New York, we could see each other have a chat room to talk in there.

I told them, when my parents were young in the 20s and 30s they never saw a minstrel show I know for a fact. Our parents told us they didn't even get to go to theaters till they had us the family money wise.

The main reason given though was that, like on the episode of All In The Family when Archie wore black face for minstrel show, it was for his lodge, lodges are basically secret society groups. My Dad told me he and my Mom would not have gone to any of the shows because they were done at Fraternities, sorrorities, lodges Masons places like that and they did not believe in that.

When I asked my Mom what she thought about the KKK she and my Dad said" secret society group, they walk around with white hoods over their faces and white robes to hide and cover themselves up so nobody will know what they've been doing . If they have to hide that much they must be doing some evil deeds"

I have not asked about Minstrel shows but I imagine my Mom would say " Its old timey we were never interested in it, but she may also say something psychological knowing her like why would anyone try to pain their skin up to be a different color and a different person, I don;t understand that.

Anyways yea I notice sometimes in groups like that I tend to be the token Texan LOL , we'll see what she says next time, but I don't appreciate what she said but she is abit ignorant I don't know. A few people did speak up and confront though which was good.

1. So I put up this journal so i could wright down some of my thoughts that i feel like is criticism in religion but would not fly as a thread for debate. Feel free to reply don't get me wrong, but others may not associate with it so.

So the United Pentecostal church seem to be caught up on saying the right name of Jesus and so say the exact name of God and hey its magical, its a correct formula for getting saved. Its using a formula.

Say the magical word Jesus when getting baptized .

So sense I got out of there, in the beginning I was still claiming my Christianity.So I started using different language and words to express myself. I liked using different terms for Christianity. Christian is not in the bible.

My Grandmother Mommie Ingram told me that the way she was raised they never had alter calls to get saved or accept Jesus as Lord. That's something in the 60s with the born again movement. They had to repent and believe and join the church and get baptized.

So after I got out of church at the Jr college i went to for one semester and from my family and when I visited churches, I was asked if I were still Christian a lot. First place I don't think its right Christians to question a perfect, I think they were wrong for doing that.

So here we go, Id say oh if your asking am I a believer sure yes I believe. Id get " Have you asked Jesus Christ into your heart as your lord and savior, or are you a born again Christian or they'd raised their right hand and said I've accepted Jesus into my heart have you.

So If I say yes and quote scripture it would be corrected believer is a bad word, that's not acceptable to them.

So its like they are still doing the UPC thing not with the name of Jesus but well the church has given them a set of words and certain catch phrases to use from the born again movement and they are so set on them that nothing else is ok, it comes across as another formula for being saved maybe magical words. Say the sinners Prayer and Jesus comes tot you

Anyways so now I tell my sisters and family when they ask if I believe or try to talk about Jesus same thing, I'm studying the bible and will be anyways so who know the future holds just studying things. If they start talking Jesus, well I read that scriptures that claim he is God is way less then the 27 scriptures that say Jesus is the Son of God.

There are also lots of other names in the bible Jesus Son of man Emanuel on and on. Yes I am aware there are scriptures that say God but not near as many that say other terms. But anyways any and all of these biblical terms for Jesus should be acceptable to Christians.

But for some reason Christians I guess are not ok with the biblical terms for Jesus because they constantly hold me verbally hostage to saying Jesus is God.I say the Son Of God to my family and I get " uh but that means hes God you should say God , and the Son of God means God the Son God the Father God the holy spirit.

I cant say any word for Jesus around the Christians around here without them negating it and taking it back and correcting it into Jesus is God.

Its starting to not only look like bondage to using certain words like the Jesus only people but also a superstition like witchcraft . Don't say the name of Jesus unless you say hes God, its bad luck something bad will happen to you.don't cross the street if you see a black cat.

Is it Christian witch craft? I don't know.

My guyfriend John who use to visit me, he had Christians witness to him on the street a lot. He said he was confused but said he had come to the conclusion that Jesus was a scifi monster trying to get to earth so he could possession of everyone's body like the movie alien, hes an alien tryignt ot ake over the world. thought that was pretty cute.

So wanted to blab on a bit about my history with the Baptist church. When I was 17 and the church rejected my Mom because she chose AA to help her get rid of alcoholism and did not want me, on top of that one of my sisters and some of my family wanted to throw me away get rid of me because of my psychiatric past, I felt abandoned and alienated from the Baptist church.

The whole salvation thing, Id ask Jesus into my heart and expect miracles nothing would happen. I was working for my salvation in the Pentecostal church, they wanted you to be in church all the time. Either your serving God and in church all the time ( for them 3 times a week anyways) or your not saved. Grant it they made slaves of their church and were abusive,

However I get the basic idea of living for God, instead of trying to find a free ticket out of hell and being magically healed, expecting a magic act from God.

To me when it comes ot Christian or Judeo beliefs, I go with either practice the belief or don't if I'm practicing the Christian faith I'm Christian and faith in God saves me there's no need for alter calls.

Why not just live for God or Jesus? All the responding to alter calls tells me one thing, sense they want me to respond to my 5000th alter call and I've been baptized 3 times, there's no reason to do it, but they want to install fear into the minds of parishioners .

They want me to think God did not hear me the first 100 times I got saved, God is stupid and hey if they get it in my mind that God did not saved me they can make me more dependent on the church. But anyways back to the language between me and Baptists.

When I have talked to my sisters friends or Baptists in the past I tend to end up scratching my head and wondering who they're talking to because they like to speak to me as if I've been in the Baptist church was raised in it and expect me to know all this stuff and why the heck am I not in church.

Well I was not raised in the church after age 13, I don't remember a lot. So I end up not knowing what they're talking about, joining up with the church and all this, I was alienated by the church as a teen, so I don't associate with it.

So I think sometimes the Baptists around here assume too much, its a stereotype of Christians expecting that everyone grew up as a conservative Christian or grew up in the Baptist church who were raised in tx and quite often I have no idea what their talking about.

I was alienated by the Baptists church as a kid and I still feel alienated sorry disowned.

So Ill just tell y'all about my office supply job and leaving the upc church and stop. My life is not that interesting. Anyways in my early 30s I began to break a way mentally from church, for one thing I was not a youth anymore.

I use to serve as a chaperone to the youth when they traveled and went to other churches and the youth choir would perform. They had a good youth choir. However that youth group was practicing like 3 times a week, the youth were in church every other day and I really now its very extreme.

Teen age guys who were kind if in charge of some of it one or 2 in their late teens early twenties were always hugging on me and i liked it and i was always hugging on the men up there.I think it felt inappropriate to me.

One of the teen guys came onto me once and i said no.I never acted out with anyone of them.That would've been against the law. But like there were a few times, once I was at the house of one of the kids and their parents were there, the parents were telling me Disney had hidden some like ,shapes and picture of sexual stuff in their Disney posters , and only if you looked real hard you might be able to recognize it.

So in front of the teen guys there they asked me if I could tell what was in the poster of Lion King, she t=ran her fingers lightly over the area. I recognized the shape of male genitalia. And I smiled and the look of recognition came over me I'm sure and I went "oh".

I don't think that was appropriate and I am a ware they knew , teen guys knew I had been sexual and wasn't innocent and really,I just began to question my position there.

Plus I kind of grew up out of it, I think for a time i needed more structure in my life, and sometimes you do grow up away from a ministry if your Christian.

The church told me, when they knew I had a full time job that I could move out, working full time selling office supplies and ad specialties, they preached and even said to me, if you sue the Holy Ghost to get cleaned up and go away from the church your life will get messed up and you'll go down hill.

They said it was wrong to use the Holy Ghost, in other words, they were saying if you leave the church your using the Holy Ghost. But if someone leaves the church to go somewhere else to go to another church I don't see how and at that time I was looking for another church.

But the thing is if you leave regardless of where you go, its not wrong and its not leaving the Holy Ghost and its not using the church or the Holy Ghost.
The bible says if you do good don't let the left hand know what the right hand did, don't go around collecting your rewards saying see what I did the good I did.

They did help me out get straightened out but the churches mission is to help folks and it wrong to hold that over peoples heads when they leave and hold them hostage by saying your life will take a dark turn if you leave or and you cant use the Holy Ghost.

Not only that but the fact is that all cults and extreme churches( this was an extreme church),I had switched out to a UPC church which was more laced on their dress code but they were still oneness Godhead Jesus only Baptism people,and extreme in worship, they all help get people straightened out all cults do.

It doesn't mean you need to pay them with your life by staying forever. I've been watching Leah Remini on Scientology, she said the exact same thing about Scientology. Not only that but quite often Scientology folks will house people for fre.

Leahs Mom got divorced young and they didn't have any money and they were destitute one of her Moms relatives told them to come to California and and they would be housed and fed for free if they would join Scientology.

They don't just house people if you've got problems drug issues stuff like that yea they will help you and get you cleaned up.So that does not mean anything the fact that they helped me get cleaned up.

Oh yea and I forgot to add, when I was working at Pizza Inn and Pizza hut instead of paying rent to my parents like I should have I gave quite abit of my Money to the church. So I worked at fastfood places a long time before I went to work at the office supply place and gave them too much money.

I use to have a good time working at pizza places, when Id waitress guys would ask me out for drinks pinch my butt flirt with me, if I were answering phones the same thing guys would come onto me on the phone. So my jobs did not help my sexual situation but I had a really good time.

Anyways before I tell the last of my story just needed to blubber on abit longer about leaving church so you can get a feel for what i was going through.So i was thinking of leaving church, and basically if your in a wild spirited Pentecostal church where everyone is your brother or sister, its like going through a divorce.

Because of my mental health issues I just assumed that getting married and having a family was off limits for me. Looking back it would not have been especially had I accepted marrying someone older but back then I was too in mature.

Anyways, so yea the church is your family and if your single truly it replaces your Husband, but also God and Jesus was my husband. I use to call him my boyfriend. I became a lot more feminine girly girl in my mannerisms and codependency on God and the church and the pastor. My brothers they wanted me to submit to them too, thats not really what the scripture says it says to submit to your husband not the men in my church.

But I did anyways, soemtimes if I was outside playing volleyball with the youth teen guys would get me to go to the kitchen they had, and they had a big kitchen and kept a lot of food in there, we ate together. So they would ask me to make lunch and I would make sandwiches and chips for them. Hey these are my brothers, that's the mentality.

I'm still too dependent on men, and despite my sex addiction am very much a girly girl, I like wearing dresses still.

Anyways so yea the church was my life and sometimes they tried to set me up with a couple of men at church and it never worked out. I went out on mock dates pretend dates a couple of times with the teen guys there. There was no sex, I was told this is what brothers and sisters do, and they walked me to the door and hugged me bye.

I realize now, I was way to dependent and close to the church to the point of being abnormal

But when I quit going there, I mean every Christmas Id cry my eyes out, its like being divorced, one of our youth directors in another church but same oneness denomination, I had visited there for 6 weeks once,he went to prison for raping the teen girls pled guilty.

That was hard on me too sense I knew some of them, so tragedy plus separation anxiety from my church gripped me into a depression and tons of crying crying crying, I was broken hearted and depressed.

Ok and I've got to stop and put another blabber about my church. One reason I put this journal up is that I can post stuff here that I have not had success with or may not fit in with debate.

There was an issue that came into play here about my church as a reason why the church started asking me questions about my family in the end and played a role in me leaving.

I was 24 when I started church there. Usually most Pentecostal women are married by then, quite a few I knew who got married at 16 and 17 and quit high school to get married,and I knew a few who were illiterate.Women have families and get married at my old church.

I was in part going to that church to get away from my family. Even though they were not physically or sexually abusing me, my Mom and Dad had bad fights shouting and crazy until I was in my mid 30s. They had also gotten upset about me being in that church, my Mom was a woman liberal are you kidding me, I'm wearing long dresses long hair and no makeup just like church women did in the 1950s when she was growing up.

She was not happy. We had issues about sex in the home that were talked about too much. My Mom was beaten up and raped by her first husband. Back then in the 50s women had no rights she could not turn him in to the cops nope. Her Dad ran him off with a shot gun, that was about it, thats all that could be done back then.

But my Moms Dad was most likely a sex addict, had brought 2 teen age girls to live with them who were pregnant. My Grandma said it was so they could be a witness for Jezzus to them! Yea right we all know what Grandpa did ok.

My Grandma also said they were personally invited to an underground swinging party in Tx in order to witness to people!Usually everyone laughs about that but Ill tell you what happened.

Grandpa got the invite, and decided he wanted to have sex but hey hes the man its ok for him, but not for his wife, so he told her they were invited to go preach the gospel.So she sat there and witness while her husband went off to have sex in the party and swing.

Back to my story, the point is we had a lot of sexual talk and talk about sexism in part because my Mom had so many sexual issues.

So without any abuse going on there were a lot of family problems put it that way.My Mom use to talk dirty and tell dirty jokes a lot too flirt with men in AA, that was her thing. So just because there wasn't any abuse does not mean it was a healthy family situation for me.

Anyways church was an escape ok. But after my church saw that I had not married like a good girl does, I think they caught on to the fact that maybe I was using church as an escape. So they started beraiding me about why my family was not there, and I guess me not being married being there alone single, rubbed them the wrong way.

This is a topic my niece, and my 2 best friend who are all conservative Christians (one is Catholic and does not associate with the Evangelical churches) 2 don't go to church much,
have said they also have problems with. The church does not accept single women.If your not there with a husband or family, well your up there to do something evil.Somethings wrong. A woman should not be there without boyfriend husband or family.

They started telling me my Mother was a good christian when i told them my Mom had 34 years of sobriety in AA and chose AA as her church they said, I was lying, she is not an alcoholic shes a good Christian and it was my fault she wasn't in church. The singles leader was mad at me for not bringing in my parents.

So sense my church had always been a safe place to escape to to get away from family, when they started demanding me bring my parents or asking me too rather, I stopped feeling safe. I felt like there was no place to run too.

Another example of single woman issues in a religious place I had an issues at a zen Buddha temple not long ago. Whats does that have to do with the Christian church? Nothing except conservative traditional values. I don't see this as a problem in liberal Christian churches but in conservative churches this goes on a swell.

So I got a ride home with our director owner of our group shes from China, shes asking me if I live with my family, I said no, alone in the house my parents raised me. She asked if I had siblings I said yes they live close to me:

she asked if they see me and give advice I said yes we were close. She wanted to know what kind of job I had and if my sisters approve. I told her, but I am aware of Chinas conservative traditional family values, the family always stays together I know.

My church was the same way, they did not like it that I was single. I had 3 and a half boyfriends in those years trying to get married too. The pressure was on. I say 3 and a half the one i loved was a drug addict alcoholic, joe, he had a best friend who was his dealer, I had to sleep with his best friend a few times, though he did not come out and say this,I knew he was getting some free drugs off it.

but and 1 from AA a guy we knew from AA I had no spark with him, and Steve, Steve was a charismatic Christian who had a learning disability I met at Pizza Hut. We were together a few months. He had decided he wanted to marry me.He ran up to the pull pit area before my preacher was through and talked to my pastor about marrying me he was so excited to have sex.

I said no, he quit his Pizza hut job and told me he expected me not to work. He made 10 thousand dollars a year and lived in a trailer, he did not make enough money for us so.

Joe wanted to marry me too and his Mom when she first met me she was clapping her hands when I was coming in hugging me she was thrilled. I'm pretty sure she told everyone Joe would get straightened out his life straightened out when he got married, so uh I was his answer. I was raised up in Alanon and Alateen, I just knew too much about codependency and family issues to not know that it would not work in the end.
But I did love Joe, though he was cute, I enjoyed kissing and hugging him and having sex with joe.


Anyways back to the conservative church topic, yep women are to be married, they may not discuss this this way. But one reason Darlene the woman who got a job as secretary where I was at knew I worked there was because the church had to know every detail of my life, obviously they were afraid of my dirty sins, so everyone knew where I worked.

She in the end was one reason I quit church. She started talking to me about the way i dressed at work, I was pulling away from long dresses and wearing some pants suits. Still had fairly long hair, I wore it up in buns and french twists. My boss liked me TK but he was an alcoholic, great in sells and teaching sells but sick and dysfunctional .and alcoholic sex addict. I will write more about the job break up of church later.

But if anyone comes up with a topic of single women in religion I'd be interested. My friend Rose says she gets the 3rd degree from every church she goes too and they demand a lot of personal info that makes her uncomfortable too. I think some of these places think we are lesbians, its why with the personal questions.

My Niece Laura has been single her whole life at 31 she goes to a conservative community church that believes like Baptists and she says they talk down to her and they are sexist. She says if your a woman and not married in the conservative community churches, YOU are not a grown person.

You get respect when you get married. I don't think its right but anyways.

However I have to say that considering the fact that my Mom was an alcoholic I am very blessed and fortunate that my Mom never beat me or molested me. So yea we were unhealthy sick but still I never got beat.

The last 8 years of my Moms life and the last 6 years of my dads life she died 5 years ago so were talking about 13 years ago, it started to calm down. My Mom stopped attacking my dad verbally and driving him crazy by constantly fighting.

So the last 5 years of my Dads life got better and things became peaceful. It took a long time for my Mom to completely change but 8 years before she died she did. So things got a lot better. However my Mom was still smoking till the end, and also telling a lot of dirty jokes all the time , she kind of had an OCD with talking about sex, even though it was more positive talk then what she did in the past the obsession was there.

I know what yall are thinking that I blame her for my sex addiction,but I don't.Its all my fault, if i were going to blame anyone though it would be Grady. The male staff member who molested me while in the teen mental ward. It was my Moms decision t put me there,but had she known that's what was going on she would have taken me out. The hospital administrators brain ashed her and scammed her out of all her insurance on me, that's why she put me in.

Grady was my best friend while I was at a huge Southern Baptist teen ward.That hospital was too strict, they made us sit on hard back chair restriction to punish us. It was a tiny metal chair and they made us sit in it all day. They had a rule that when we would go to school we were not allowed to stop and drink out of the water fountain.

I was dehydrated one day, I got water anyways, they would not bring any to me. We could not have drinks or water there. So they put me on hard back chair restriction.
I lost my temper and decided that if I could prove to them I was too much trouble they'd send me somewhere else out of hell.

So I pretended to want to beat up Mary Ellen my enemy staff member who drove me nuts, I threw my fists up and started walking walking towards her of course they put me in restraints.I also tried to drink shampoo and I did drink it they had to pump my stomach.

So after that they kept me in restraints for 4 months. The fact that they would not let me out of there of restraints was very physically abusive. They also gave me a ton of psychotropic meds, I forget the name there's one famous for being used in psych wards they gave me that.
Its now illegal to prescribe it to anyone under 18 years old, because in teenagers it causes brain damage in teens. Who knows I could have brain damage?

Anyways they hire Grady as night staff to work with me. He would pick me up out of my wheel chair put me in bed,sometimes he tied the restraints up to my wrists so tight Id have blood running down my arm, so it was physical abuse.

He would put me on the bed potty, he was 31 years old, had a dark beard and was very cute all the girls liked him well no they didnt because they suspected that he was molesting me. He got me dressed and bathed me sometimes in the morning.

When my Dad didn't show up for my birthday he said he could be my father and replace my family. He would call me baby help me eat in my restraints in the morning. Hed twist my arm around help me move my hands so I could eat better and sometimes found a way to hold my hands. Hed brush my hair for me call me baby. It was sick, it was like he was my boyfriend.


At night he gave me thorazine or heavy sleeping pills , he was the only one there at night,I fall asleep so hard did not know what if anything he was doing to me. One night I stayed awake in my bed eyes open fighting the sleep i guess so i could see what he was doing, he put his hands over my eyes told me to shut my eyes and go to sleep so i did.

I have no idea if he was molesting me at night, but my sister says he had to be, what in the world were they keeping me in restraints for?

Yes I do believe my obsession for BDSM is in part related to Grady and my trying to go back to Grady not sure why, but its psychological.

As far as my goes, its typical behavior, all the sex talk and dirty jokes in AA is typical for AA.Lot of kids were raised up in Alateen and AA like me and heard the dirty jokes and they did not grow up to be sex addicts.

On the other hand there are a lot of untreated sex addicts in AA.Its partially why some people in AA start going to religious Christian versions of AA instead, all the dirty talk and that jazz.

Before they got rules for smoking outside instead of inside, you'd go into a meeting and there would be everybody smoking LMAO and a huge puff cloud of smoke I would swim through it it was funny. Everyone could smell smoke on me when I left though I didnt even smoke LOL>

My sister wanted to now why i would go back to Grady psychologically by being in BDSM but a lot of abused women do it.In my mind its a way to work out and figure out my own mind, its like being able to work things out in my mind. But its also safe, I was a bit brainwashed by Grady and not having to think for myself letting others make decisions, yea its a cop out but its easy too.


Anyways so and being abandoned in psych wards left alone I fooled around with guys had a couple f boyfriends while at timeberlawn in 1983, back then in 1983 Timberlawn was a private hospital not state owned like it was till it close down a couple of years ago. I understand there was a predator on the adolescent ward of Timberlawn, interesting sense there was one at the other place.

But people did not like timberlawn as much sense it became public. They ate up all my parents money and insurance they had on me.My parents had good insurance on me ,my Mom worked at at and t assembly line for 8 years, my Dad was a printer at one place for his whole life.
So the insurance was really good, and I think I was the only lower middle class person there.EVerone elde there was from north dallas or Plano rich areas.

My room mate Chris and I were super close I was her mommie, she was only 13 super cute native American gad done hard drugs and was a tiny size 0 and 1.Short and petite, the guys loved her and the girls were jealous and i felt like she needed to be protected.So sometimes we walked around holding hand or our arms around each other to allow folks to think she was lesbian. They though we ere in a relationship, my cousin Star was gay so I never thought of it as evil.

I had 2 boyfriends one named Buddy and one named Paul , Buddy was really doug he and i were close so we called each other buddy. Thye use to have a nice swimming pool on their backyard and nice patio with barbecue to make burgers.

We swam and because it was private we got a lot of snack foods to eat we could eat as much as we wanted from the buffet for breakfast and lunch. So this is the time I actually started putting on weight,

Its an issue I have with over eaters,not to change the subject but I've heard 4 different times from speakers who spoke if you were not obese as a child you are not an ov er eater, that's a non invited for me.I was thin and skinny growing up. I loved coke burgers and sweets, but my Mom was lower middle class, we didn't have the money to buy big bunches and bunches of cookies and candies and going to fastfood places everyday like they do now.

We went to a fastfood once a week, and my mom gave us kid sizes let me choose between 1 and 2 things, at long jogn silvers i could get the 2 piece fish or 3 piece chicken. She brought kids meals from burger places, so I ate a lot of junk but normal portions only.

Here I am preaching but hey in the 1970s and early 80s we didn't have games videos movies cable tv and the internet to run home too after school. I had a bike and skates I was either going skating or biking or walking somewhere so I stayed thin . In the 8th grade I amde out with a few guys ,boys liked me in the 7th and 8th grade.

Anyways back tot he story we not only had lots of food that I binged on but also we had dances with the teen guy unit on the patio.

Id get a date from Paul and hang out with Buddy too AND YES! I wanted Chris to be safe so I took her on my dates too, other girls didn't like her but she was my nest friend, so Paul got lucky he had me and Chris and then when I needed to go sit in Dougs lap and makeout while chris would keep Paul company, we had it rigged up pretty good.

Anyways, truthfully, me Chris Buddy and Paul were basically a Polyamory unit, family,So this is where my sex addiction also comes in, it was how I survived, we took care of each other with love and sex, so and also I started binge eating then too, so eating and sex became my addiction, its easy to run too maybe a poly situation with a big family like I did at Timberlawm.

This is the last thing Ill say about psych wards I promise. I went to terrel state hospital after having my parents lose all their insurance on me to Timberlawn.

Terrel was a state ward. So I could leave and sign out AMA anytime.I was there 4 months. I fell in love, first time being in love.His name was Chris, he was An atheist and depressed suicidal,
and he and his family attended a Unity church but I don't know which one.He was also Jewish and a full dark beard and thick dark hair, I loved it! He use to go to a class with me in which we were left alone to do the work and then would walk back to our wards alone and we sneaked off and uh yea, I never had sex but uh we went to third base yes and it was my first 3rd base guy. I lose tiny bit of my innocence to him. He was so cool use to tell me about evolution and facts about Atheism although I don't remember much, but he was my first love definitley.

So i went home anyways and abandoned him and I still feel guilty about it today and wonder if he committed suicide, I felt bad about it along time however I was traumatized just wanted to go home to my family and I was on a lot of psych meds they had given me I may not have been thinking right.

But a part of my brain still wonders had I stayed could we have ran away with each other?

Besides learning about Atheism we also had a United Methodist lady pastor who came once a month to timberlawn and she would give Jewish and Muslim talks, although I don't think we had Muslims, and Christian sermon for Christians. We had a girlfriend named Barbara
who was Jewish and best friends with me and Chris, we had a theme, what we decided we stood for up there, us 3 were about girlpower.
But we were also universalist, me and Chris went to Jewish talk with the pastor she had and supported her yay US!

So tahts about it I wont speak anymore about psych wards.

Ok so Im gonna try to finish my life story. So my parents wanted me to get a full time job instead of working in fastfood places.. I got a job in Dallas selling office supplies on the phone to post offices mainly. So My boss Tom was a good looking guy who was rich and could get in 2000 dollars worth of orders in 2 hours he was good.

He drank a lot. A woman named Darlene from my church heard about my job because I had to discuss and report everything I did to church even my jobs where I worked at. She was the secretary and went to my church and another more strict UPC church. I was trying to seperate from the old timey dress code and wear pants some she started talking to me about dress code at work.

Tom trained em by what they call whisper training in telemarketing. He had a phone connected to mine, the customer could not hear him but i could and he could hear the customer.

I learned to pitch high amounts of product and talk customers in buying in big boxes so i could get paid more. Shen I first knew Tom he seemed like a healthy person for me because he was constantly telling me dirty jokes
poking fun at me wearing 3 tops at once, my sexual anorexia, it almost seemed like he was good for me and i began to losen up around him. Little did I know I was working with a sex addict.He was always flirting with this girl named Tanya she had had an affair with him and emily and me.

He would get drunk come in late.

The place decided He had dome this too much and I went to a meeting where they were saying they were not going to put up with his bs much longer. I had become friends with him and told him. His brother who owned an office supply and ad specialty place decided to open an office in Dallas and let Tom become manager. So he invited me to go with him.

Me only and Darlene was mad when I left with him. She did not like him. He got on the phone to call brad back to get his tools from him he said even though he knew he would just hang upon him amd he got Darlene on the phone first.

I was on the other line listening and she gripped him out for taking me she said Elizabeth is a good girl why would you want her you and Tanya should've gone. He said he took me because I was the best worker went to work everyday and made good money.

She told him off and i started thinking a lot about my church and the way she was in my business all the time up there and I just thought it was strange the way she told me what to wear at work all the time and I really began to rethink my church situation then and started breaking away. Tom told me he thought my church was a cult also and when someone else tells you that you start to really think about things, yea darlene was really weird always looking over my shoulder it was bazzare.


She hurt Toms feelings telling him I was too much if a good girl, I did not appreciate that.But I had a crush on Tom then and it was wrong for me to go. Looking back I should have quit both jobs and just gotten a new one away from darlene.

Tom started dating a woman named Peggy up there and things got really strange. They would take me out to might club at night sometimes or over to their apartment while he was with her. I wasnt in on sex with them but we did have phone sex and I watched them be together on the bed so he could go to work and brag that he had a 3some with us.They moved to Lewisville away from dallas and helped me get a an apartment this is how I eventually got away from my church and quit the UPC church,

But i went from one bad situation to another one.

So officially I was out of church.Looking back I'm glad I went to lewisville because if I had not I would not left my church. I'm just sorry I had to switch my codependence from my church Tom. I was dependent on him but still made good money working straight off of commission.

But I did well working. There was a couple Christian guys who got on there one who came straight out of theology school 4 year degree. He thought he was smart. I use to flirt with men on the phone and get sales but my biggest and bests ales were not with men but with day care directors, I had 2 who bought 1000 bucks worth of school and office supplies from me every month and a female post master who bought loads from em every month.

I enjoyed and still do like talking on the phone with folks, I was laid back and would name off 3 or 4 products of they were not interested Id ask what they were low on.

There is such a thing as dangling the carrot, what Trump supporters say Trump does well with other countries.My boss taught me if someone was interested and I could not get them to take a big box you put it on the back burner go to something else and let it marinate in their mind then come back to it and say, I tell you what, I really need a sale today so just for you Im gonna break the box down in half or to a quarter.

I was to stand and train the Christian guy, he would not do what i said and he want on down broke the box down and lost it. He stood up and said the only reason I was there was cause Tom liked me and the men liked me ont he phone. Tom took up for me correctly and told him I was teaching him a round robin, you don't go on down and break it down as soon as the customer says I cant do it ti sounds desperate.

He brought the fact that i wasnts mart and Tom said " You think you've got to be smart to be in sells? It doesnt take a college degree to do telemarketing dude, me and my brother are slow too, the only reason the high school graduated me was so they could get me out of school." He also said I had a good attitude and put a smile on my face all the time was happy when I spoke with people and ready to start dialing the phone as soon as I got here.

So no you don't have to be smart to sell, I just liked talking to people. But there was a lot of fighting and people who were jealous of me and Toms friendship, I had a good time there but Toms sex addiction issue and mine was wearing me down. Tom would look at porn all the time even brought some to work and I started to look at it with him.

There was no sex or romance between me and tom but it was like he would take me some place with he and Peggy , I know once they took a marker, you know how BDSM dominants mark up they're submissive with washable markers they did to me with permanant markers and it didn;t wash off for a week.

AT one point when I first went to the job in Lewisville, I got lost and there was a huigh school in the office park in Lewisville, at 21 I still looked like a 15 year old.The principle mixed me up for a student and tried to walk me into school as a freshman yea crazy isn't it? When I told Tom he was laughing hysterically about it talking about it at work, then when he took me home, he started laughing about it again like a hyena I really wondered about Toms sex life at that time, it was creepy made me wonder if he was not fantasizing about predator sex.

I mean really Tom helped me a great deal by helping me get away from church but his alcoholism and sex addiction it was like I went from one bad place to another. Its crazy when I think back to it.

So anyways in the end I was fighting with Tom i think he got tired of em and people fighting with me it kind of blew up.

But I guess all in all I threw one of his stationary statues at him in his office got fired, I'm glad things went the way they did. But I'm glad I got away from Tom and got away from church. guess things happen for a reason, maybe it was good that I saw things Tom did because now I know I've got a problem with sex like he does.

I ahd also started smoking viggaretts back then and had gained from about 250 when I start at MM to 290 and smoking cigarretts too when your this heavy yea it'll kill any desire to function. I went up to 300 pounds went home to my parents they hated Tom, they thought maybe, my sisters thought maybe he just had me there to make fun of me but didn't really like em as a friend as I assumed that I was making a fool out of myself.

He was a rich good looking guy but who cares if your a bumbling alcoholic sex addict who cant stay true to one woman he and his brother gambled a lot and even won poker competitions but Peggy said he could not stay true to anyone and she though he was interested in me at one time. He slept around with women at work too.He use to admit he was a sex addict too.

So my sisters were ignorant to the idea of how lonely one guy can be even for friendship from a fat girls like me when they are drowning in alcohol and porn.

I don't' want him, who cares if your rich and good looking if your a drunk alcoholic sex addict? Anyways I was home and went to work at Papa Johns for about a year on the telephones again, guys coming onto me on the phones, it was a blast I loved to flirt with men customers on the phone.

But I continued to gain weight and started having bad bronchitis issues and tmj jaw disorder. I also had bad mental health issues, was on a low low from being hyper high and happy at church all the time, now I had no one no church friends , no youth choir to stand up and jump up and down to , no loud screaming church to cry and shout in. I was depressed, especially around Christmas being single, I was so lonely for my church on a low low.

I had ti go to the psychiatrist I got on with psychiatric ward they put me in counseling with a counselor who had been in a Christian cult himself.

He was somewhat good, but he also went to church himself and had encouraged me quite a few times to go to church and back to Christianity a normal Christian church instead of Pentecostal, he did say I probably would not need to go back to hyper emotional church situations, I visited the Roman Catholic church for awhile, they were nice and quite.

But he was ok, after a few years of counseling he did some good. I'm not crazy a bout him.
Anyways i went and lived in government apartments for awhile and thats where I met Melanie. I put this all in a political post about drugs but here goes. yea Melanie was bipolar like me goodlooking young looking had bisexual lady friends and was a sex addict introduced me too
working for phone sex lines.

She had a sugar daddy. I also worked 3 weeks at a place that had me giving surveys on the phone
met a homosexual guy named Raymond. He was gorgoues and use to be a ,ale model and smoked pot and did drugs and ended up in my apartment living free off the government, we ise to pur our arms around each other and hug alot so I never wanted for a boyfriend when he was there.

He had alot of sugar daddys. They gave him free drugs he brought pot over and I got messed up by smoking pit with him, the first time I did he took pictures, so wed remember when he corrupted me.But only for 2 or 3 months.

Pot made me sick get bronchitis several times, I was in the hospital with new monia
I was paranoid all the time I was on it it wasn't worth the on hour high I got from it to go through all that.He watched me quit pot and he and his friend wanted to go by some they were taking me to a bar to get drunk I said ok to that, On the way up there they stopped to buy drugs Raymond got into a fight over the
amount of money they owed the drug dealer beat up Raymond he knocked his teeth in, the other guy did not want to call ems because theyd call the police somehow Raymond talked him into stopping at the 711. I told the cops the truth they were going to get drugs but I wasn't doing drugs with them. The cops gave me a ticket for solicitation anyways and said if your with drug addicts you get into any trouble they are.

They let me off the hook and canceled the ticket sense I had no record. Melanie went crazy because of all the pit she had been smoking being bipolar and went to Terrell state hospotal. I went to a small apartment in east Dallas. I left had been working at The Shriners part time.

The next thing I did while living in government apartments, while all the stuff was going on with Raymond and Melanie was that I started working for The Shriners as a telephone fundraiser for the Shrine Circus. Looking back now at how elephants are treated in circuses Im not happy about it, but at the time I thought I was doing a good thing.

There were Christians conservative Christians there who did not like me, I wore a lot of black , Doors tshirts and even one with Buffy The Vampire Slayer on it. They decided they were going to gang upon me talk behind my back and run me out but I was doing good. Theyd tell me others were doing better then me and talk about the fact that the bible says its the Christians who will do the work of the Lord, non Christians are evil doers and will not suceed.

One of them came up and pretended to be on my side and said some of the Christians were talking about trying to bully me out and run me off, and I should go to my boss Chris with it. I was watching my boss and saw how busy he was with crap, I said no way, Im not bring this bs to him.I stayed and pretty soon, my bosses were patting me on the back and high fiving me for doing a good job.

They were cool. They were all Shriners and told me I should not pay attention to the Fundy Christians there because you don't even have to be Christian to be Shriner just have a higher power. Scottish Rite only requires a higher power while Mason require Christianity.

They were very cool, and really incredibly nice. I don't have one bad word to say about my Shriner bosses and can say this, as Christians they were the one group who were mostly Christian and I can honestly say good things about their work. They do ahve a hospital they get funds for too which does good work.

I learned to ignore the Fundys. They told me after one of the hurricanes in Luisianna there was suppose to be one in Dallas and God could do with it as he pleased, I made some smart remark to them and they said God would slap the smile off my face and aim his hurricane straight at me if I didnt look at. What a world, the Christians were threatening me with a hurricane that God was going to aim at me!

I was there 2 years but when I had to move out of the government apartments ,I went to east dallas neighborhood, and the bus ride just took to long, I ended up quiting after 2 years. But they left an open door for me to go back,if I had the transportation id go back so fast.

That was a really nice group for me to work for and I'm glad I got such a good experience with my bosses most of whom were Christians and Shriner.

I remember once I got an nolder man on the phone who said he was a Shriner, and he said " You know what they all say about Shriners being bad boys?" I said yea? he said " Its all true and my wife loves her bad boy husband to this day but we love the women folks" . I laughed so loud that was so cute.

I was obsessed with The Doors and Buffy The Vampire SLayer back then Buffy trully is about Trauma in some of her episodes, I use to have dreams about visiting churches where the Pentecostals would secretly be hiding in a non Pentecostal church then pop up and turn the service into a Pentecostal service. Theres an episode on Buffy season episode one when she was bad, she has a dream where her watcher Giles turnes into the Master demon that killed her the season before, I could relate to that a lot. Its a good episode on trauma.I still like Buffy its therapeutical for me Buffy is.........

So getting to the end here, I started going to UU Unitarian Universalist church 15 years ago.I had known people I volunteered with before who at the library a long time ago who went to UNnty church, I knew Unity was accepting of those who were from different religions. I use to ehar commercials for the UU church on classical station.

When I looked up the old Unity church in Garland on the net it was not there but UU was. So Id ecided I wanted to visit not knowing it was a Pagan UU.

I walked in saw the candles and alter with the Gods and Godesses I was like whoa what do we have here lol. It was cool though.
I no longer got here long story short they got a group of leaders in who fought with all our old leaders and kicked them out so i quit.

So I met a guy there named John and he was polyamorous had a wife that went with him to church who gave him permission to date who he wanted.

When I joined he asked me for a Hug as I was coming down from his hearty hug he kissed me on the lips in front his wife, I was like whoa you guys sure are friendly lol.

I ended up having 3 or 4 dates, not really dates more like he came over to my apartment and we did it, I had permission from his wife.

Be careful reading my history, there are creeps in the Pagan religion and the UU church just like there are Christian creeps. John said as a Pagan he respected women and always wanted to make sure they had pleasure and Pagan men were better then non Pagan men because they worship the Godesses.

But considering the fact that he could have himself as many women as he wanted and his wife could not some would assume he was a jerk depending on how you see it.

Then 9 years ago I had been living in my apartment doing nothing but eating myself to death and smoking my lungs out and was up to 350,and decided I needed to do something new.

So i went to a singles group in my town. I wore all black they were all dressed up in country western yuck, so but the men the older men liked me.

A guy with long stringy silver hair in a ponytail and a cane and obese and a long beard started talking to me . His name was Robert.

He was in a blues group played the keyboards and was talking about going to a jam session. I was thinking about the drum jams at my church and asked him if he was talking about drum jams. He explained to me about his blues classic rock group. He asked" What do you hang out with UU churches or something is that why you asked about drum jams?" I said yea and told him where I went. he whispered to me that he was a witch and that he went out to eat with my church once a month when they went to Furrs cafeteria and also was the Dungeoun master for the D and D group there.

Wow and I didn't even know him, I had not eaten out with the group in a while and never went to d and d games.

So he knew some of the same folks I did and asked me out and he got excited , he said well thats it then, were into the same thing so were a match,

When I first met him he was really happy to find me, he was 56 and I was 43, there was a 13 year difference so.He looked old enough to be my Dad.He told me upfront that he was polyamorous and said he did not want to hurt anyones feelings so he liked to be upfront about it, so I said that works for me yea, I'm mentally ill and I can not be in a full time relationship.
robecontinued,

SO to finish up, Robert started taking me to BBW parties, support groups for Poly people, we went twice to BDSM party but did not participate. I was exposed to BDSM folks through the poly parties. We never did go to swingers groups but we had a couple of offers to swing.We went to the Lido porn theatre once.

We also use to go to Libertarian meetups, philosophy meets, my church now and then, and D and D games,a nd his blues bar, so we had a good time. But his drinking started weighing heavy ont he relationship. Robert was an IT professional who owned his own business at home.

He had good money and but not rich but well off and he threw down tons of money on us drinking, I did binge drink with him.

I am guilty of being drunk, but I also found out about sex partys underground poly groups, and all this sex addiction stuff I got into. There's a couple of lifestyle web sights you can get a hold of into but i cant put it here. There are also some Polyamory groups and even swingers groups listed in plain sight on meetup.com at times,for those who might be wondering.

I got tired, I had another guy I ahd been writing who was Pagan who was young only 31 and he met me and swung me around by my hair ponytail and spanked me on the floor after dragging me out . He was being a dom male. but I took him to my UU church and found out by folks who actually knew him that he had been on drugs and they warned me not to move in with him, he had already moved in on me and i had to get rid of him.

I had a 18 year old guy who followed me home from swimming to my apartment I took his id so I knew he was old enough and he started showing up to sexually act out with me.He was on drugs was abusive to me and i was scared of him So the Poly lifestyle was taking a toll on me.

I had a few guys offer to take me to parties, there is a huge shortage of women who want to go to Poly parties, they don't like to take single men. , men outweigh women, so I got to go to some of the partys and the porn house for free and was taken out to eat by guys who needed me to be a date so they could get in.

Robert had a goal of getting 2 or 3 girlfriends and decided maybe he would want someone younger then me. When his buddies saw me they told him how lucky he was to get a younger hottie like me but after awhile I really think he expected to meet young college age cuties at some the poly groups and of course he didnt.

But he was jealous of me because I was getting dates. I went to his blues bar and his friends spent time with me flirting with me out back where they meet to smoke pot and cigarrets and he told them I was his girlfriend and I was in a relationship with him. SO he got to where he was possesive of me but wanted his own girlfriends, so much for his speech about Pagan men not being sexist.

He thought one chick, he gave her a ride to a d and d game she was like 22 and he thought she was interested in him and got angry when he realized she only wanted a ride.

SO we started fighting about stuff, I had lost some weight too. He was also obese and had had a heart failure years ago. SO he was pretending he was on a low carb diet when in reality he was drinking and pigging out on white carbs and sweets, He told his friends he was losing weight and they were all sympathetic and sweet to him but then preached at me for not doing my diet right. It seemed like everyone was like that, my sisters were sympathetic towards him acting like they were congratulating him when he wasn't losing any weight,

I honestly think Americans are sexist when it comes to men and obesity,I felt like they were blaming me for his drinking and eating that made me really angry.

It still does which is why I will probably not date an obese man who is that big, I'm sorry I wont put up with it. If people want to sympathize and be sweet to him while being hard on me that's not gonna work for me. Men need to be held responsible for their eating habits just like women are.

Anyways so in the end after 2 and a half years, Roberts business started going down hill. His drinkign was affecting him. He could have saved his business, he had an opportunity to claim bankruptcy they said without losing his business, there was another tax break he could have taken.
But his sister offered to let him move down to Colorado instead and he took it. He didnt even sell his house and he has tons of books and nice statues and stuff left in that house he will not get the money for.

His sister talked him into moving but when he got there she and her Hubby took his computer away so, he though hed get to work but he didn't. Then because of his drinking they threw him out and a woman from his Pagan Witchcraft group took him in but she took advantage of his welfare and took money from him. I've gotten letters from him.

He wanted to get back into work but he now has a heart monitor on him never got back into work and his girlfriend is a lesbian so theyre not in a relationship and hes been kicked out of his libertarian group I think probably because of his drinking.

He wanted to emet younger women down there and he never did get to meet another woman who was interested in him.He realizes now he had it good when he had me, the guy looked old enough to be my Dad and he did not appreciate me.

But I continued in the Poly lifestyle and started chasing every guy on ok cupid meeting men at restuarants going to motels and staying on second life virtual reality game a lot and doing bdsm through the game and the net and sex and food has just eaten me up so.But Im on a diet plan now and may have had my hernia come back, Im about to find out from my doctor.

ANyways in the end what Robert wanted was his fantasy, 2 or 3 young women being his girlfriends, and me not seeing anyone else, he wanted to own me and 1 or 2 other ladies, though he claimed he was open minded and liberal and believed women had the same rights to see others as he did.

So the thing is just because someone says they are Christian or belong to a certain religion does not keep them from beinga jerk, Robert was UU and a Pagan and he was a sexist jerk.

In the end they thought maybe I was going to end up like my Mom an alcoholic, although did binge drank and got drunk many times with Robert I have not taken a drink of liquer for the past 2 years. I can quit on my own. So binge drinking does not always lead to alcoholism.

I have thought about the idea of dating a Poly guy and allowing him to see who hew ants while I stay true because sense Ive gotten into Sex Addicts anonymous I cant participate in Polyamory anymore. But I don't think its realistic,too many groups are short women and they will ask if I would participate should I date someone whos looking to hook up with others, they will ask for me like they did with Robert and another guy I dated who wanted to play with other couples.

I don''t see how its possible to do it unless the guy already has a girlfriend or 2 who has agree with it. But thats highly unlikely, its a fantasy, like the whole what is it on tv, sister wives, thats what Robert wanted and I think some men get into Polyamory looking for that a group of women to submit to them but its a fantasy thats not realistic for most men.

Only a small handful of men and women have pulled off a family of Polys who live together.

So I am very sick, I have had bronchitis and upper respratory infection for the past 2 or 3 weeks and had another infection and 3 weeks before that had another infection Id had for a few weeks. I tend to get sick a lot with allergies infections especially every spring.

I have a lot of skin rashes that sometimes torture me to death to the point that I abuse my Trazadone. However if I run out of Trazadone early for sleep then I go without the rest of the month. I do not get more prescriptions from other drs, and in Tx they have gotten strict on that anyways and no street drugs to replace it.

I am not addicted because especially when I'm not sick I can go without it, its hard and I should not do it I need it, but I don't have with drawels or anything. So I don't need help with pill addiction.

But anyways yea if I could get a steroid shot or steroid pills like the drs use too it would take care of everything .I need to get one every February. Sometimes it goes on from March ro May which is right now. But not too much itching right now the torture of rashes is less then in march, so it calmed down to the degree that I can use Benedryl.

But if I have a hyper rash that keeps me up all night sometimes sleeping pills are the only thing that works, benedryl don't work. Anyways im gonna try to get them to give me my
steroid next year. Steroids make your blood sugar go up, but if I make it my goal to get off of Metforman and not be diabetic anymore maybe I can get a steroid shot next year.

So usually I end up gaining back up to 300 or 320 when I get this sick. But this time, uh I've been actually cutting my binges in half, last week got a barbecue chicken pizza but only ate 5 pieces half of it, got 2 family sized deserts, I ate 2 brownies and 2 apple pies instead of 10 to 15 servings. Its a gross disgusting amount Ive done in the past.

Lucky for me after about 2 ro 3 weeks I only had 10 pounds , can gain 25 pounds in 2 or 3 weeks easy.

So even though it was all junk I still kept myself from driving the scale up to terrible heights.
I went up from about 283 to 293. I have been back on my diet the past 2 days though. This morning I eggs 2 with 2 slices of lowfat sliced ham and a slice of cheese.
all together 10 grams of fat for eggs 4 for the ham and 6 for the cheese so thats 20 fats all together then tonight I had a lean cuisine tv dinner and a slice of cheese with it all together its 12 fats, so thats it for me its 32 fats and 480 calories for the tvdinner and cheese, for the egg cheese and ham 60 and 140 and 150 350 plus 480 only 830 but I had a half of 2 liter bottle of coke which is 600 calories so 1400 calories and I will lose from it

So if I keep my fat and calories down low sometimes even if my carbs are sky high, its still eating a whole lot less then I did when I was on a binge over eating. So even small changes will help.

Yesterday I had the money to get wendys. I got the cheesy potatoe chili and small chili and grilled chicken sandwich. Ill come back when I add up everything. Im pretty sure the chili is only 160 calories and 2 fat and its delicious!

So all together from wendys I had 1000 calories and 27 grams of fat chili 160 calories 2 fats grilled chicken sandwich 15 fats and 460 so that makes 17 fats and 620 calories and a cheesy potato 380 calories and 10 fat comes up to 1000 calories and 27 fats..Unfortunately I still had too many cokes, but kept it down to 1900 which is still way less then my normal binge day of 5 to 8000 calories.

I know that when I watch My 600 pound life dr now says that it takes 10 to 20000 calories a day for people to weigh 700 pounds. But I see it differently because there have been many times I have eaten 2 2 liter cokes, a whole barbecue chicken pizza in one day along with a family size desert. For the pizza 10 slices its probably about 3000 calories 2400 for the cokes, that alone gets me 5400 and family desert another 2 to 3 thousand and sometimes I had gotten to where I ordered 2 deserts or an order of wings with it which sends it to over 10000.

So regardless of dr now says I am sure I've eaten 10000 in a day myself.

Im back down to 280 yay! eating between 13 and 1700 calories a day 2 or 3 cokes a day low fat lean cuisine dinners at night eggs with 1 slice if cheese in the morning so.