I just thought I'd create a sort of documentation of my thoughts and feelings about my spiritual life as it stands now. Please keep in mind that this is a Journal. It is not a debate or general discussion thread. Helpful comments are welcome where appropriate.
In the last few days or so, I have had some realizations as to why I keep attempting to pursue Christianity as my faith when that always fails. I believe it is due to that religion's prominent stature in my culture and wanting to fit in, along with missing the liturgy, especially on holidays (the religious aspect of holidays are really the only part of most holidays that I enjoy).
Almost everyone wants to fit in, so that's not surprising. When a religion is the dominant one in a culture for so long, it takes on the power of a language all its own through the transmission of it's symbolism. So we start thinking in terms of the imagery of this religion. Some may be more susceptible to this than others, but it has a lot of effect on me. So I find the imagery and symbolism of Christianity very compelling but I do not believe in the tenants of that faith, as they do not match my experience of the world and my reasoning.
Another reason I may be so drawn towards is because my mother, who was the most important figure in my life, was a Christian and I may have some sort of fear of disappointing her by not sharing her faith. Sometimes I wonder if I will get to see her in the afterlife (as she has passed) if we have different religions. I know in my heart that this is silly and love is stronger than all that but there it is.
I do sometimes feel happy if I decide to be a Christian again but it doesn't last. The happiness is mostly from returning to something familiar, like an old friend. Then it wears off when I snap out of it and it becomes apparent that I'm fooling myself and I can never believe in this again, let alone live how it dictates we should live.
So that's that.
I am starting to embrace having my own beliefs. It can be very lonely and I wish I could have a religious community but it's not worth lying (to myself and others) to have it. I already have relations, devotion and love towards other deities and it doesn't feel right to just sever that to follow some exclusivist god. At least in polytheism, I could admire the (mythological version of) Jesus, perhaps as a deity of mercy and forgiveness, without sacrificing my true beliefs and worldview.
As for holidays, I have already decided to celebrate December 25th as the Nativity of Sol Invictus instead of Christmas, and will strive to do better to celebrate the holy days of my own religion, especially when they fall on the holy days of Christianity.
Anyway, that's me at the moment.
In the last few days or so, I have had some realizations as to why I keep attempting to pursue Christianity as my faith when that always fails. I believe it is due to that religion's prominent stature in my culture and wanting to fit in, along with missing the liturgy, especially on holidays (the religious aspect of holidays are really the only part of most holidays that I enjoy).
Almost everyone wants to fit in, so that's not surprising. When a religion is the dominant one in a culture for so long, it takes on the power of a language all its own through the transmission of it's symbolism. So we start thinking in terms of the imagery of this religion. Some may be more susceptible to this than others, but it has a lot of effect on me. So I find the imagery and symbolism of Christianity very compelling but I do not believe in the tenants of that faith, as they do not match my experience of the world and my reasoning.
Another reason I may be so drawn towards is because my mother, who was the most important figure in my life, was a Christian and I may have some sort of fear of disappointing her by not sharing her faith. Sometimes I wonder if I will get to see her in the afterlife (as she has passed) if we have different religions. I know in my heart that this is silly and love is stronger than all that but there it is.
I do sometimes feel happy if I decide to be a Christian again but it doesn't last. The happiness is mostly from returning to something familiar, like an old friend. Then it wears off when I snap out of it and it becomes apparent that I'm fooling myself and I can never believe in this again, let alone live how it dictates we should live.
So that's that.
I am starting to embrace having my own beliefs. It can be very lonely and I wish I could have a religious community but it's not worth lying (to myself and others) to have it. I already have relations, devotion and love towards other deities and it doesn't feel right to just sever that to follow some exclusivist god. At least in polytheism, I could admire the (mythological version of) Jesus, perhaps as a deity of mercy and forgiveness, without sacrificing my true beliefs and worldview.
As for holidays, I have already decided to celebrate December 25th as the Nativity of Sol Invictus instead of Christmas, and will strive to do better to celebrate the holy days of my own religion, especially when they fall on the holy days of Christianity.
Anyway, that's me at the moment.
