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Men: How would you deal with favoritism between a child that’s yours and another that isn’t?

Epic Beard Man

Epic Beard Man

Bearded Philosopher
My question is geared towards men since this is a men’s issues section. I was think about a social issue many men who are childless face when they are involved with women with kids. So my question on this matter is how would men deal with the potentiality of favoritism of having a child with a woman who already has one?

In other words you’re in a relationship with a woman who let’s say for purposes of this discussion has one child yet she wants another. Let’s say you eventually have a close relationship with her child but you set boundaries because the child’s father is in his (pretend this is a male child) life. You two are not married but your relationship is serious and she becomes pregnant. You now have become a first time father, something that you’ve always wanted is there a potential to show favoritism to that child that will be born?

Now of course some will say when you are involved with someone with a child and you are bonded, you automatically take over the role. I disagree. Not everyone has the innate ability to be a parent and certainly with some women having psychiatric issues which leads them to harm their child most certainly is indicative that all women do not have parenthood innate in them. With that being said there is something about having a child with your genetic imprint as opposed to a child that doesn’t and who has a father that is involved in that child’s life so I wonder if favoritism would be the outset of feelings and if so is it wrong? Why? Why not?
 
Vinayaka

Vinayaka

devotee
Premium Member
I can think of a wide variety of circumstances. Most people would try hard to not play favorites, but the child will have a lot to say about that. Children of divorce vary widely. There is often enough of a problem with the fact of the divorce, and sorting out that. Then you throw in two new 'parents'. So despite your best intentions, the kid will be the main factor.
 
PureX

PureX

Veteran Member
I don't think there will be any hard and fast rules for creating and maintaining blended families. People are different, with different needs and different gifts and different shortcomings. But one ideal that I think must be maintained is that the primary responsibility of a parent, biological or otherwise, is to set the needs of the children before their own. If they cannot or will not do this, then they should not presume to take on the role of a parent.
 
SalixIncendium

SalixIncendium

अग्निविलोवनन्दः
Staff member
Premium Member
Epic Beard Man said:
My question is geared towards men since this is a men’s issues section. I was think about a social issue many men who are childless face when they are involved with women with kids. So my question on this matter is how would men deal with the potentiality of favoritism of having a child with a woman who already has one?

In other words you’re in a relationship with a woman who let’s say for purposes of this discussion has one child yet she wants another. Let’s say you eventually have a close relationship with her child but you set boundaries because the child’s father is in his (pretend this is a male child) life. You two are not married but your relationship is serious and she becomes pregnant. You now have become a first time father, something that you’ve always wanted is there a potential to show favoritism to that child that will be born?

Now of course some will say when you are involved with someone with a child and you are bonded, you automatically take over the role. I disagree. Not everyone has the innate ability to be a parent and certainly with some women having psychiatric issues which leads them to harm their child most certainly is indicative that all women do not have parenthood innate in them. With that being said there is something about having a child with your genetic imprint as opposed to a child that doesn’t and who has a father that is involved in that child’s life so I wonder if favoritism would be the outset of feelings and if so is it wrong? Why? Why not?
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Having had the experience of being the child that the woman had prior to the relationship in your hypothetical, and having experience such favoritism with my brothers, if one feels one doesn't have the innate ability to be a parent who treats all children equally, one doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who has a 'ready made family.'

If one is selfish enough to do so, they risk doing psychological damage to the already existing child.
 
Jumi

Jumi

Well-Known Member
I've seen things like this go really badly to the point where the stepson becomes a violent offender or worse, but also ones that go very well. I've not been in the situation, but I've seen it up close. A lot is going to depend on you and also the kid. You're both going to have accept each other and the unwritten contract between parent and child. If they're really young it might be easier to bond with them than if they're already close to leaving home. I wish the best for anyone in the situation.
 
ChristineM

ChristineM

"Be strong", I whispered to my coffee.
Premium Member
Epic Beard Man said:
My question is geared towards men since this is a men’s issues section. I was think about a social issue many men who are childless face when they are involved with women with kids. So my question on this matter is how would men deal with the potentiality of favoritism of having a child with a woman who already has one?

In other words you’re in a relationship with a woman who let’s say for purposes of this discussion has one child yet she wants another. Let’s say you eventually have a close relationship with her child but you set boundaries because the child’s father is in his (pretend this is a male child) life. You two are not married but your relationship is serious and she becomes pregnant. You now have become a first time father, something that you’ve always wanted is there a potential to show favoritism to that child that will be born?

Now of course some will say when you are involved with someone with a child and you are bonded, you automatically take over the role. I disagree. Not everyone has the innate ability to be a parent and certainly with some women having psychiatric issues which leads them to harm their child most certainly is indicative that all women do not have parenthood innate in them. With that being said there is something about having a child with your genetic imprint as opposed to a child that doesn’t and who has a father that is involved in that child’s life so I wonder if favoritism would be the outset of feelings and if so is it wrong? Why? Why not?
Click to expand...

I shall break the men only suggestion, hell i have even been known to use 'man' size tissues, how rebellious is that???

Our kids are not my husbands children (for reasons i won't go in to here). To him, that doesn't matter, he considers himself their father, they consider him their father, or more precisely, one of their fathers.
 
SalixIncendium

SalixIncendium

अग्निविलोवनन्दः
Staff member
Premium Member
ChristineM said:
Our kids are not my husbands children (for reasons i won't go in to here). To him, that doesn't matter, he considers himself their father, they consider him their father, or more precisely, one of their fathers.
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As any real dad should.

I've always been fond of the saying, "Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad."
 
Brickjectivity

Brickjectivity

wind and rain touch not this brain
Staff member
Premium Member
Children have small faces and features that normally stimulate the release of oxytocin in our brains. Things that interfere with it: paranoia (assuming the child has evil character or is dangerou), self hatred projected onto the child by means of observing weakness or sickness in the child, jealousy of the mother's love...etc. These are some of the really weird problems, but they aren't normal. If you give a child a chance and time, then the oxytocin mechanism in your brain will do its work and bond your heart to the child.

I am not a psychologist.
 
Salvador

Salvador

RF's Swedenborgian
I've always avoided serious relationships with any woman who has baggage. ( the term baggage means young children a woman had conceived with a man to whom she couldn't remain committed in a long-term relationship ) I've always found it best to avoid such complicated relationships or possibly getting involved with somebody's damaged goods.

I've been seriously involved only with a few women, each of them were childless at the time of our intimate relationship. The third time was a charm for me. She was the one who has now been the love of my life for nearly a quarter of a century. Together we've procreated just one offspring. We don't have to deal with playing any favorites among sibling rivals.

Life is made better by avoiding conflict Nobody should be put in the awkward situation of being a step child to an adoptive father who has biological children of his own.
 
Salvador

Salvador

RF's Swedenborgian
SalixIncendium said:
Yes, I find waggish ones much easier.
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I'm not saying men should always avoid serious relationships with any women; I'm just saying any intelligent man should avoid getting seriously involved with some lady who has baggage or who has had a history of not consistently satisfying the man with whom she procreated offspring.
 
Revoltingest

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
Salvador said:
I've always avoided serious relationships with any woman who has baggage. ( the term baggage means young children a woman had conceived with a man to whom she couldn't remain committed in a long-term relationship ) I've always found it best to avoid such complicated relationships or possibly getting involved with somebody's damaged goods.

I've been seriously involved only with a few women, each of them were childless at the time of our intimate relationship. The third time was a charm for me. She was the one who has now been the love of my life for nearly a quarter of a century. Together we've procreated just one offspring. We don't have to deal with playing any favorites among sibling rivals.

Life is made better by avoiding conflict Nobody should be put in the awkward situation of being a step child to an adoptive father who has biological children of his own.
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Life without conflict as a goal ?
Borrrrrrrring!
 
Subduction Zone

Subduction Zone

Veteran Member
I think that one would have to trust the mother. Most mothers try to be very fair to their children. Since they are both her children she has a vested interest in both of them. It is more likely that the fathers would not great the children equally since only one is 'his' kid. If you can be fair to The first child it is almost certain that the mother can be fair to both.
 
Revoltingest

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
Salvador said:
I like having fun, but I'd later regret doing this at the expense of some red-headed step child.
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Even biological children can be holy terrors.
So I don't see "used" spouses or kids as damaged goods.
It all depends upon the individuals.
 
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