There is a thread I made years ago about advice, feeling confused, I feel it is quite irrelevant now. This one is more of an online journal... I wish it was under my profile, as personal blog, instead of being on the forums, feels a bit too exposed but... Oh well!
My intentions are for this to be a smaller version of my private journal, focusing on religion of course and without private life matters. I don't mind comments or discussions, it's the reason I'm writing this, so people can perhaps relate, find something interesting here and there or not at all. I like new perspectives. I don't know how often I will post an entry, as with my real journal it will happen when I feel like writing, no schedule.
My main concern at this time, is named deities. How I failed to connect with any named deities. I tried so many, from monotheistic to Hindu, to various Pagan ones... I still am trying with Saraswati, but nothing. My only reference of her was in a dream and she handed me over to something else. I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I'm really in the wrong area of divinity. Maybe I'm fighting against my self, my nature. I know the two umbrella religions that are dear to me allow many different outlooks though, so that's not so much of a concern for now. I need something I've experienced as real, as tangible to me, personally. Not someone else's words.
So, there's still this inexplicable unity, energy that flows in all, web of life, that I can't see, but I felt... I don't know what it is exactly, I still call myself a pan(en)theist because that's the label that makes the most sense, but I haven't worshipped it in the traditional sense... Rather, at times, I just meditate or stare at the night sky and feel it. Nothing more. And then, maybe I want to worship my own deities, aspects of reality... It would feel more real and tangible to me than some old gods I can't seem to find. I'm not sure how far I want to go. It could be as simple as only keeping in touch with the Energy, to worshipping/revering various aspects of nature, to as far as deities that embody the values that are dear to me. I want to spend the foreseeable future experimenting with these, see what works for me, what doesn't.
It's really hard sometimes to put these into words, I know this is only for myself and that perhaps words don't matter all that much, but it's me, trying to understand, to explain, my feelings and what's going on in my head.
P.S. I still want to visit a Hindu temple, when I can... It's still to hard for me to go outside alone, but someday I'll make it happen, no matter my beliefs and so on. I'm the type of person who has to experience a lot of things. If I'm not meant to be Hindu in this life, maybe the next, but at least there's many good things to learn from it.