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illykitty's RF journal

illykitty

RF's pet cat
You're in my thoughts. Thanks for keeping this thread updated so that we can know how you're doing.

*hugs*

Aww thanks! :smilecat:

The only update right now, is that my stomach issues don't seem to be getting any better. My doctor thinks it's probably IBS but I'm waiting for an appointment letter to go have a test to check if there's anything wrong with my stomach. I still get very hungry I LOVE food but it's getting harder to eat since I always get loads of problems afterwards. It's becoming a negative experience.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
At the moment, I'm going to the doctor a LOT. It's not only because of my mental illnesses but also my stomach. Still don't know what's wrong with it. I tried a few different meds but they don't seem to help. So I got a blood test to see if I'm celiac, still waiting for the result to come, and I'm going to the hospital this Friday to have an ultrasound on a few areas on my stomach.

In a way, I'm looking forward to knowing what's wrong because it's really unpleasant. It disrupts my life by being really uncomfortable. I often go back home earlier than I normally would because my stomach acts up and I can't stand being out anymore. I know it could be worse, I don't have any serious symptoms at the moment, but it does make my quality of life a little worse.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
There's some news in my life. It's going to get more interesting in the near future. We're going to move, due my husband's work, it's not 100% confirmed yet and I don't know when it's going to happen, but I've got that to look forward to. We've already looked at a few areas and think we'll get a brand new house in our preferred place. It's also not in the middle of nowhere so I'll have stuff to do plus transport links to a big city for even more to do. Also, I think we're going to hire a cleaner since with depression, it's sometimes hard for me to keep on top of cleanliness in a small two bedroom house. I often lack sleep and energy so I get tired easily. So I'll try my best to keep things tidy, do manageable tasks and the cleaner will do the less manageable stuff for me. Especially since my husband wants a bigger house, which would be overwhelming for me.

I'm hoping that a change in area and lifestyle will do me some good. I don't expect it to "cure" me, but I'll be more inclined to go out, since there will be more access, which will improve my mood and make me have some much needed exercise.

Health-wise, I still don't know if there's anything wrong with my stomach, since nothing was abnormal on the scan. I'm not celiac, so that's eliminated at least. It could be anxiety causing it, but I think it's IBS, just made worse by the nerves. I don't remember ever not having some form of anxiety. I can say around what age depression started but I always remember being of a nervous disposition and biting my nails. Still got one more test to go through before everything is eliminated. If it's IBS, I'll have to do an elimination diet to see what triggers my stomach, apart from dairy (which I've noticed a decade ago was like playing Russian roulette).

Spirituality-wise, I haven't been very active with it. I've accepted that I'm inclined towards atheism and equal the material world to divinity, in a personal perspective. I hope that someday when I'm well enough, I can start interacting with nature more. I want to cultivate a few things, mainly some fruits and vegetables, but also have some wildlife friendly flowers and such. I'd love to be involved in a more hands-on way with environmental stuff, rather than just sit here, signing petitions and giving money to charities.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Those are some of my goals, hopes and updates.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
I'm finding it tough lately. It's not like I want to quit, but when things get too tough, I get really bad thoughts flood my mind, to the point I feel I'm going to lose it or hurt myself.

And people say to not quit when things get hard? Until when? Until someone is ready to jump off a bridge? Until someone is holding a knife to their wrist?

Honestly, I don't think some people understand the torment some people experience. Yes, all of this is mundane to you, and I'm sure you're experiencing lots of days where you'd rather stay home than go to work.

But for me, it's a matter of life or death. I can't handle things that are just day-to-day matters for others. Think what you will, that I'm weak, that I'm lazy, etc. All I can do is quit so I can hold on to life, even if it means people think less of me. At least I'm not quitting living...

I needed to get this off my chest.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
Lately it seems I only post here to vent, but honestly it somewhat relieves me.

I feel very low today. I don't have much faith in getting better, in this therapy nor this medication. I don't know who I am, what I want and what to do. It's a complete identity crisis. I also feel too broken to be fixed, no matter how hard and how often I try, I keep failing and regressing backwards.

What I'm expressing here is not self-pity, it's cold hard facts. It's based on how things have been so far. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm just tired of going through the same crap over and over again.

PS: No one needs to worry about my safety, although I have dark thoughts, I manage to not act on them. I'm too scared of pain anyway.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
Well, I feel somewhat better than last time I posted. My CBT therapy has been going ok. It's a bit overwhelming though the amount of stuff I need to work on. I have a much better therapist this time around and he's really teaching me useful stuff but yeah, it's going to take a lot of time. I'm confident about getting better, little by little, but I still think I need to find a hobby I can turn into some spare money, to occupy myself and to have some independence from my husband. It would feel better for him too.

I know often it seems like I do a lot of talking/thinking, and it probably is part of what has kept me paralysed. It's a vicious circle, I'm scared that when I try something, I'll only be interested for a little time, it'll ultimately be a waste of my time and eventually I would have exhausted all my possibilities... But I know by doing nothing, I cannot possibly know what will happen. Mental illness isn't logical though, if it was, I would already be better.

Ultimately, I have to take the plunge at some point. At the moment, it's a little more difficult since there's hardly anything where I live and I'm low on personal funds. I'm sure there's some crafts I could try for relatively small price and in the next few months, I'll have access to a lot more.

I know this is a forum about religion, but there needs to be honest talk and sharing of struggles, whatever it may be. Whatever your path, just know you're not alone in having difficulties. They may or may not be the same as mine, but you can see clearly, I'm messed up too. So don't feel alone.

On a religious note though, I often feel this tug-of-war within me, of wanting to believe and yet finding most religions problematic in some way. I know perfection doesn't exist, I know NOTHING will be 100% in agreement with my views... I just don't know how to deal with internal conflicts yet. I'm leaning towards atheism, yet I have an irrational feeling that there's some sort of spark. It doesn't have to be supernatural... I mean technology advanced enough can look like magic "unnatural" miracles. I find it so unsatisfying. I know that I don't need to be in any religion, yet I'm still in limbo and unsure of what I believe.
 

Milton Platt

Well-Known Member
I mean an underlying energy, which I think is within everything, that I felt during meditation. Like the theistic concept of pan(en)theism. I call it energy but really I don't know what it is, spirit, light, energy? I'm not sure a human term really can capture what it is. But only saying "it" or "that" is a bit too empty for me, I need to somewhat label it in a way that makes sense to me, hence energy...

It also goes with the scientific law of conservation of energy, in which it is said that energy is neither created nor destroyed, but transforms... So in a way, we're all energy in different forms... But I interpret it in a spiritual way, not just materialistic.

The light isn't really precise, what do you mean by the light? Is this how you perceive it?

And I'm not really asking anything, it's a journal of my spiritual journey, which people can respond to and read if they want to. Some people might have outlooks and insights which I haven't thought of, hence why I decided to make my journey public... It's good to be exposed to different viewpoints, since sometimes one can be stuck in a loop.

Until you can define it and quantify it, you really don't have much to go on.
 

Milton Platt

Well-Known Member
There is a thread I made years ago about advice, feeling confused, I feel it is quite irrelevant now. This one is more of an online journal... I wish it was under my profile, as personal blog, instead of being on the forums, feels a bit too exposed but... Oh well!

My intentions are for this to be a smaller version of my private journal, focusing on religion of course and without private life matters. I don't mind comments or discussions, it's the reason I'm writing this, so people can perhaps relate, find something interesting here and there or not at all. I like new perspectives. I don't know how often I will post an entry, as with my real journal it will happen when I feel like writing, no schedule.


My main concern at this time, is named deities. How I failed to connect with any named deities. I tried so many, from monotheistic to Hindu, to various Pagan ones... I still am trying with Saraswati, but nothing. My only reference of her was in a dream and she handed me over to something else. I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I'm really in the wrong area of divinity. Maybe I'm fighting against my self, my nature. I know the two umbrella religions that are dear to me allow many different outlooks though, so that's not so much of a concern for now. I need something I've experienced as real, as tangible to me, personally. Not someone else's words.

So, there's still this inexplicable unity, energy that flows in all, web of life, that I can't see, but I felt... I don't know what it is exactly, I still call myself a pan(en)theist because that's the label that makes the most sense, but I haven't worshipped it in the traditional sense... Rather, at times, I just meditate or stare at the night sky and feel it. Nothing more. And then, maybe I want to worship my own deities, aspects of reality... It would feel more real and tangible to me than some old gods I can't seem to find. I'm not sure how far I want to go. It could be as simple as only keeping in touch with the Energy, to worshipping/revering various aspects of nature, to as far as deities that embody the values that are dear to me. I want to spend the foreseeable future experimenting with these, see what works for me, what doesn't.

It's really hard sometimes to put these into words, I know this is only for myself and that perhaps words don't matter all that much, but it's me, trying to understand, to explain, my feelings and what's going on in my head.

P.S. I still want to visit a Hindu temple, when I can... It's still to hard for me to go outside alone, but someday I'll make it happen, no matter my beliefs and so on. I'm the type of person who has to experience a lot of things. If I'm not meant to be Hindu in this life, maybe the next, but at least there's many good things to learn from it.

I don't know what to do with this..........
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
It's just a personal journal and people can reply but it's not like other threads. I do welcome insights, thoughts, suggestions or even just "I relate" or "you have my sympathy" type of answer.

Mainly it's a place where I can say what's on my mind. I find it useful to let my thoughts out and everything here is stuff I'm comfortable sharing. If anyone feels weird or alone, they can see they're not the only one. Whether it's mental illness, difficulty with finding oneself or being spiritually unsatisfied.

I know I'm a difficult person and often contradictory, I'm trying to navigate through this but it's a maze. So I often feel pulled in many directions and am not sure which to take and hesitate. I can't be the only person like this, so maybe someone can find this useful in some way or just like reading about some random female human's struggles.
 

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
It's just a personal journal and people can reply but it's not like other threads. I do welcome insights, thoughts, suggestions or even just "I relate" or "you have my sympathy" type of answer.

Mainly it's a place where I can say what's on my mind. I find it useful to let my thoughts out and everything here is stuff I'm comfortable sharing. If anyone feels weird or alone, they can see they're not the only one. Whether it's mental illness, difficulty with finding oneself or being spiritually unsatisfied.

I know I'm a difficult person and often contradictory, I'm trying to navigate through this but it's a maze. So I often feel pulled in many directions and am not sure which to take and hesitate. I can't be the only person like this, so maybe someone can find this useful in some way or just like reading about some random female human's struggles.
I've never found you difficult.
But fear not...we've posters here who are experts at that.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
So, my CBT is soon coming to an end. I learned some new things, I had a much better therapist and I know what I'm supposed to do.

I am however getting anxious about it ending. I still struggle feeling like I'm not unlovable, worthless and useless. One of the parts of the therapy involves questioning assumptions and beliefs. Like, I can question whether it is true that I am unlovable, well, evidence against that thought is that at least one person loves me since he married me.

What makes a person worth something? Why is that important? Who judges such a thing? Usefulness, by what definition? Is it by what a person does for a job? What they do for others? Their qualities?

Those are some of the many questions I've learned to ask myself, instead of just assuming that the automatic responses that pop into my brain are just the Truth. I still struggle to believe it (having mental illness since childhood does that) and I can't say my self-esteem is much better, but it's a work in progress.

I'm only afraid that I'll fall back into old habits, since I struggle to carry things through. I'm worried a lot about the outcome, or lack of. I'm also scared that I am correct in my harsh judgements, since I notice a lot of people don't value someone just because they're nice and caring, if you don't work you're useless, worthless, lazy, it's your fault and you can't have any sympathy. It's very hurtful. I am my worse enemy.

I really don't want that voice in my head anymore. It's detrimental and a vicious cycle. How can I try to be who I want to be, if I am paralysed by these poisonous words?

I guess sometimes I envy people who believe, because I have this idealistic image in mind that if I had something to hold on to, and the belief that god loves me, is on my side, that no matter how much I loathe myself (or aspects of myself) I'd have trust in that at least. I know however this isn't reality. Plus many atheists can cope in other ways. But this is what a desperate mind conjures up.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
I tend to think I'm rather introspective, I think a lot more than I talk, often get lost in thought while my body is on autopilot, get distracted easily, etc.

I struggle to understand myself. Part of me understands people are quite irrational, me included, but also part of me is trying to decode everything I feel and think. So a lot of my wants, fears and behaviours are puzzling to me. One relevant example is religion and deity. I'm simultaneously sceptical and wanting it, I very much doubt it and yet kind of feel a need that's unfulfilled. Still stuck in a limbo and I tried to rationalise it away, tried some things I thought were more compatible with me, tried to fill this void with other things, but I keep falling back into that void.

Someone stumbling on this would probably think I'm self-centered but my therapist told me that to be able to better care for others, one needs to take care of themselves. So a lot of this observation and questioning is my attempt to understand my thought patterns and try to better myself so I can be a better person to people I care about. I've spent so long feeling useless and like a burden, I want to shed that weight off my shoulders.
 

Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member
I tend to think I'm rather introspective, I think a lot more than I talk, often get lost in thought while my body is on autopilot, get distracted easily, etc.

I struggle to understand myself. Part of me understands people are quite irrational, me included, but also part of me is trying to decode everything I feel and think. So a lot of my wants, fears and behaviours are puzzling to me. One relevant example is religion and deity. I'm simultaneously sceptical and wanting it, I very much doubt it and yet kind of feel a need that's unfulfilled. Still stuck in a limbo and I tried to rationalise it away, tried some things I thought were more compatible with me, tried to fill this void with other things, but I keep falling back into that void.

Someone stumbling on this would probably think I'm self-centered but my therapist told me that to be able to better care for others, one needs to take care of themselves. So a lot of this observation and questioning is my attempt to understand my thought patterns and try to better myself so I can be a better person to people I care about. I've spent so long feeling useless and like a burden, I want to shed that weight off my shoulders.

As Socrates said, "Know yourself".
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
A void persists. It makes me so anxious. I try to distract myself, do something positive and that makes it quieter... But as soon as I'm too tired to continue and have to rest, it gets really loud. Sitting here alone, it is practically screaming. Honestly, I feel like either there's nothing I can do about it or I haven't quite found something that's enough to fill it.

Filling my void may not be a good reason to seek, who knows? Or maybe it's god(s) calling to me? Or maybe I'm just crazy. I don't really know where to go from here.
 

illykitty

RF's pet cat
@illykitty, may you be happy and free from suffering.

Thank you, that is very kind! I'm still in a limbo but I've hardly been thinking about it. There's lots going on in my life at the moment, so I'm waiting for all of that to settle down.

I have lots of distractions, people and everything else but if I stop even just for a few seconds, I feel a dull ache and a need to belong and connect.
 
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