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Advice needed...or support, or something.

standing_on_one_foot

Well-Known Member
I dunno, I've been pretty overwhelmed of late. I have to "come out" to my dad sooner or later, I'm scared as hell to do it, I'm completely confused about who I am, the dog isn't around and I'm canine deprived, and be damned if I don't feel completely alone right now...and on top of that, I'm sinking into self-pity. I hate self-pity.

Still, about coming out...any of the openly gay people have some fool-proof advice that'll suddenly make everything OK? No? No one? I mean, it's not the same for a transperson and a gay person, but still...still...I guess there never are going to be any easy way of going about this sort of thing. It's times like this I'd love to just punch someone who thinks I'm choosing to be like this.

And you know, it's funny, I'm not even that scared about my dad finding out. I mean, he loves me and'll love me no matter what, I know, so I'm not scared about that. I'm just scared he'll be upset that I've waited so long to tell him. I feel like I've been decieving him, and so I put it off, but the longer I put it off, the worse it gets...I feel like crying sometimes, you know, and it scares me because I really can't. I've tried and I just can't cry...I'm just being stupid here, I know.

Sorry about the rant or whatever it is, guys...it's been building up for some time now, and I really can't get it out in "real life" and all...I'll be alright in a little while, I guess I'm just sick of things right now. Hell, though, what am I complaining about? I have it so good, compared to so many people...but I've gone to the trouble of writing all this, I might as well post it. Maybe I'll get some good advice, after all.
 

Scott1

Well-Known Member
You're not being stupid.... I think it's very brave of you to post this. I will pray for you... that's about all I'm ever good for! As a father, I can't imagine how I would feel (my oldest is only 11) but I hope that I would handle it ok. It hurts so much to read that you are scared about your dad finding out... I hope that you talk soon... I don't think waiting will help anything.

My best to you,
Scott
 

Master Vigil

Well-Known Member
It is always hard to be yourself. Even though I am not gay, I know the rifts it can cause between children and non accepting parents. But you are you no matter what. This is not stupid, it is nature. The best part is, love transcends all things physical. So no matter what you are, it is who you are that is loved. And with love and peace, I will meditate and pray for you as much as I can.
 

The Voice of Reason

Doctor of Thinkology
Standing -

Like Scott, I'm a father of two. I can tell you this - no matter what either of my children ever do or say, I'll go to my grave loving them. That does not mean that I see them as being anything more than they are, and certainly I do not see them as infallable - only that I will always love them. I have no doubt that your father loves you with all his heart.

Your father will love you. That will not change. He may struggle with expressing that to you, but it is true nonetheless. You have courage - use it.

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. --Mark Twain
Life Shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. --Anais Nin
What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? --Vincent Van Gogh

If you begin the conversation with the words "Dad, I love you...." it can only help.
I've never met you, Standing (as is probably true for most of us on here, if not all) - but I can tell you this - if you were mine, I'd want to know what burdens you carry, rather than let you struggle in this world.

Now, walk in the next room and tell your Dad you love him, and you want to tell him what has been on your mind.

Love, respect, and strength -
TVOR
 

Bastet

Vile Stove-Toucher
Wow, such good advice here already...and, even though I am out to my family and the general population, I'm not sure I have anything better than has already been said. I can say that I know how you're feeling...and I couldn't take it for more than a few months. Granted, having a partner in my life at the time, made the telling a lot easier. I started with "I've met someone..." and took it from there. You are right in that the longer you leave it, the worse it will get. And stress like that leaves a physical mark on you - it really does your body and mind no good at all. You are better off getting it off your chest, and dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be. You will get that gut churning fear beforehand - but it does get easier. I don't know about you, but I'm much happier being me, and not having to lie to my family and friends. Best of luck to you, I'll keep you in my thoughts. *hugs*
 
"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. ...It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it." ~Fred "Mr." Rogers

"When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong along with the fearful, the true mixed in with the facade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way." ~Fred "Mr." Rogers
 

Lightkeeper

Well-Known Member
I will be thinking about you and praying for you. I hope it all turns out well. Please let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.
 

robtex

Veteran Member
Hey standing_on_one_foot, I don't have advice but I am pulling for you. I didn't see your age but I am guessing you are at least late teens maybe real early 20's. Your parents, if you interact with them and live with them probably already know something about your sexual identy at this time. It would be extremly hard to hide it from your mother especially. You are fortunate because Reform Judism as I understand it, does not condemm homosexuality like other beliefs do. I know you will do just fine and suspect that they partially know at this point.
 

Dadball

Member
I'm sorry for your upset. Your Dad will love you for who you are. I will pray you find peace and love with your sharing.
 

mrscardero

Kal-El's Mama
When I started telling people that I am bi, I would make a joke and keep a straight face and say, "Did you know that I am Bi?" and I would wait for a facial expression. If I sence that it's making them uncomfortable, I finnish it off with, "Bi-Lingual." And they would laugh. Then the joke got old and I have decided to just come out and say that I am Bi. When I hid who I truly was, I was isolating myself. I didn't want to communicate or socialize with anyone. I felt that if I told my family that they would look at me differently. If I told my friends, they will not talk to me or even want to be with me. But they were there for me. They still love me because 'I am who I am'. When I opened up, I was more relieved and I didn't have to drag chains around my ankles with balls weighing 500lbs a piece. I dropped stress like a sack of potatoes. I started hanging out with friends and getting to meet new people. If anyone wants to know who I am, I tell them. I have nothing to hide (I am not a super hero where I have to have a costume to hide my true identity) I would rather run around nekkid...lol (not that I would) But sometimes, making a decision is hard. But the longer you hold it in, the heavier the weights will be.

Good luck my friend.
 

Ardhanariswar

I'm back!
"Still, about coming out...any of the openly gay people have some fool-proof advice that'll suddenly make everything OK?"

nope. sorry. thats not life. to live life is to experience both joy and pain. and this might be a little of both. and u wrote that your dad is awesome, so its probably joy.

your dad should not be upset for the delay. i mean, you are confused, you definitly had to think things thru.

good luck! God be with you.
 

Druidus

Keeper of the Grove
Wow. It's hard to imagine what it's like to "come out" to your parents. I'm not gay, so I haven't done it, but I do have some practical stuff because I did have to come out for two other things. First, I came out about changing my religion. I had put that off for over a year, because I was afraid. I was afraid I would be laughed, I was afraid they would yell, I was afraid they would force me to worship with them. Luckily, my father accepted rather quickly, and even wanted to learn about the religion. My mom did take it a bit hard, thinking I was joining a cult. The second was coming out about being a vegetarian. Mainly, I was afraid of my mom, because she tends to be the one who wants the family to be "normal". It turned out to be fine, really. My mom even started buying me vegetarian products! The thing I learned from both of these? No matter how much I feared coming out, it was always 1000 times better, and a 1000 times easier once I did come out.

I know it might sound corny, but probably the best thing to do, is to talk to your dad when he's in a good mood, and when he's not doing anything. Bring up the subject slowly, and casually. Guage how he feels before you come out. You want to come out slower if he seems to be less accepting.

Now, to clear something up, are you gay? I'm pretty sure thats what you meant in your post, but you also mentioned transpersons as well.

Good luck for you, and let us know how it turns out. (We have no thumbs up smiley, so imagine I posted one)
 

huajiro

Well-Known Member
standing_on_one_foot said:
I dunno, I've been pretty overwhelmed of late. I have to "come out" to my dad sooner or later, I'm scared as hell to do it, I'm completely confused about who I am, the dog isn't around and I'm canine deprived, and be damned if I don't feel completely alone right now...and on top of that, I'm sinking into self-pity. I hate self-pity.

Still, about coming out...any of the openly gay people have some fool-proof advice that'll suddenly make everything OK? No? No one? I mean, it's not the same for a transperson and a gay person, but still...still...I guess there never are going to be any easy way of going about this sort of thing. It's times like this I'd love to just punch someone who thinks I'm choosing to be like this.

And you know, it's funny, I'm not even that scared about my dad finding out. I mean, he loves me and'll love me no matter what, I know, so I'm not scared about that. I'm just scared he'll be upset that I've waited so long to tell him. I feel like I've been decieving him, and so I put it off, but the longer I put it off, the worse it gets...I feel like crying sometimes, you know, and it scares me because I really can't. I've tried and I just can't cry...I'm just being stupid here, I know.

Sorry about the rant or whatever it is, guys...it's been building up for some time now, and I really can't get it out in "real life" and all...I'll be alright in a little while, I guess I'm just sick of things right now. Hell, though, what am I complaining about? I have it so good, compared to so many people...but I've gone to the trouble of writing all this, I might as well post it. Maybe I'll get some good advice, after all.
I can tell you now, your father has to know already. He either is waiting for you to tell him, or is avoiding it (depending on how he thinks about it). It is just a matter of you taking care of your unfinished business. You have no reason to feel bad for who you are, there is nothing wrong with you. Once you get that into you head it will make it a lot easier. I am a father, and I would feel worse if my son didn't tell me something about his life, no matter what it is.
 

standing_on_one_foot

Well-Known Member
Druidus said:
Now, to clear something up, are you gay? I'm pretty sure thats what you meant in your post, but you also mentioned transpersons as well.
No, I'm not gay (um, I think...I might be that too), I just figured the coming out experience would be similar. I am trans, yes.

My dad's away on a hike at the moment, and I think I'm going to tell him when he gets back...I think he's back tonight. I feel kinda sick, but you're all right, I do need to get this over with. I'll let you all know how it goes (here's hoping I'm getting worked up over nothing).
 

huajiro

Well-Known Member
Could you educate me a bit? I don't know exactly what the difference between transgender/transexual/transvestite is. Please excuse my candor, I have no problem with the whole thing.
 

The Voice of Reason

Doctor of Thinkology
Here's betting that you're getting worked up over something that you will look back on and say "What was I thinking? That was nowhere near as tough as I thought it would be!"

I'll also wager that tomorrow morning, you'll wake up with a tremendous feeling of relief and joy. It's a safe bet that 98% of the people on this site are pulling for you - and the other 2% can take a long walk off a short pier.

Have courage and faith in yourself,
TVOR
 

standing_on_one_foot

Well-Known Member
Um, in a nutshell? Transgender generally covers everyone who doesn't exactly fit in the gender binary (from cross-dressers to transexuals and everyone in between), a transvestite is basically a cross-dresser (although to some people it implies that sexual reasons are involved), and a transexual is someone who feels they're the wrong gender (or rather, what's inside is right but what's outside doesn't fit) and wants to/has switched over to living as the gender they feel is correct.

And I hope you're right there, TVOR...
 

huajiro

Well-Known Member
I was thinking that a good way to tell your dad might be to introduce him to the person you are dating (if you are dating).
 
it may not be approriate and I understand love the sinner not the sin. I would urge you to seek some serius counseling. We all have skeletons but recognizing them doesn't mean giving into them. Our responsibility is to seek GODs face. What does HE say to you?
 
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