I hope you understand that those feelings describe 90% of humanity. Anyone who is a theist prays for those things. If this were not the case Hindus would not pray to Ganesha and Saraswati for knowledge and wisdom. Those of us who hold Krishna as God would not ask him to help us hold to what he teaches in the Bhagavad Gita. Sometimes we're too busy asking that we don't give God a chance to get a word in edgewise.
Sometimes God gives us what we need rather than what we want. Sometimes we have to find those answers for ourselves; we can't expect God to spoon feed them to us. I made a promise to Thor and Hanuman that I would get back into shape and regain my strength and size, after spending several years making myself an emotional and physical cripple. I ask them for help, and they may be helping, but it may very well all be me (I'm making an exception because hearing a spotter bellow
"c'mon man, it's all you!" makes me want to puke).
We have to make things happen: the weights won't lift themselves.
The talk of suicide is cause for concern. This isn't a personal criticism, but I would wholeheartedly suggest you seek out someone, whether it's a professional mental health practitioner, a clergy person of any faith, preferably not your own so you get a different perspective, or someone,
anyone to talk through this. I've detected in your posts an obsession with "God's will". Please think about what I'm saying.
