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Religious one liners

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
Most of these are jokes and a few are not. Thanks to Calligraphic Button Catalogue

Death? Life? I never did understand Zen.

Drag God into politics, and you've ruined His reputation before you know it

God created music so people could pray without words

God is watching-- it's a good thing He's easily amused

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts

God wrote the program, evolution is the output, meteor strikes are the reset button

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than going swimming makes you a fish

I get along with God just fine. It's his fan clubs that I can't stand.

I want you to know I've talked to God, and He agrees with me completely

If you find God hates the same people you do, you may have created Him in your own image

If you mix religion and politics, you get politics

If your religion never surprises you, you're probably doing it wrong

I'm an atheist. It's a simple faith, but it comforts me.

It's hard to be religious when certain people aren't struck by lightning

Judaism: an argument between God and His chosen pilpul

Lead me not into temptation--I can find it for myself

Many are willing to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity

Militant Agnostic--I don't know and you don't either!

Muslim...it's the new gay

Practice atheism, the religion of the gods!

Religion isn't the cause of war, it's the excuse

That voice in your head? IT'S NOT ME. ---God

The Bible talks about St. Paul, but never mentions Minneapolis

The idea that God is His own grandmother may be unsupported by Scripture, but who wants to offend God's grandmother?

The temperature of Hell is measured in degrees Calvin

The ways are many... The Light is one!

To have a few doubts is normal. To have many doubts is a crisis of faith. To have contant doubts is to be a Unitarian Universalist.

To you I'm an agnostic. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Unitarian Bible Study Today! Bring your own bible and scissors

Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp and your tuning key. Welcome to hell. Here's your harp.

What do you get if you cross a Unitarian and a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and asks, "Now what do *you* believe?"

What kind of car does God drive? A Plymouth. "For He drove them out of the garden in His Fury."

You're here to save my soul? I'm here to test your faith
 

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
God made farts smell so that deaf people could enjoy them to.

And.....
cartoon_harp_n_accordion.jpg
 

Daemon Sophic

Avatar in flux
One of my all-time favorites....(may the forum filters be strong).

----------------------------------------

A Short Guide to Comparative Religions

Taoism **** happens.
Confucianism Confucius say, "**** happens."
Buddhism If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
Zen Buddhism What is the sound of **** happening?
Hinduism This **** happened before.
Mormonism This **** is going to happen again.
Islam If **** happens, it is the Will of Allah.
Stoicism This **** is its own reward.
Protestantism Let this **** happen to someone else.
Calvinism **** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Pentecostalism In Jesus' name, heal this ****!
Catholicism **** happens because you deserve it.
Judaism Why does this **** always happen to us?
Zoroastrianism **** happens half the time.
Marxism This **** is going to hit the fan.
Atheism No ****.
Seventh Day Adventist No **** on Saturdays.
Existentialism Absurd ****.
Agnosticism What is this ****?
Nihilism Who gives a ****?
Deconstruction **** happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Christian Science **** is in your mind.
Moonies Only happy **** really happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses Knock, Knock, **** happens.
Scientology **** happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare Krishna **** happens, Rama Rama.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good **** happening.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this ****.
 

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
"God" spelled backwards is "dog".
"Evil" spelled backwards is "Live!".
And "sin" spelled backwards is "nice"....sort of.
 

shunyadragon

shunyadragon
Premium Member
One of my all-time favorites....(may the forum filters be strong).

----------------------------------------

A Short Guide to Comparative Religions

Taoism **** happens.
Confucianism Confucius say, "**** happens."
Buddhism If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
Zen Buddhism What is the sound of **** happening?
Hinduism This **** happened before.
Mormonism This **** is going to happen again.
Islam If **** happens, it is the Will of Allah.
Stoicism This **** is its own reward.
Protestantism Let this **** happen to someone else.
Calvinism **** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Pentecostalism In Jesus' name, heal this ****!
Catholicism **** happens because you deserve it.
Judaism Why does this **** always happen to us?
Zoroastrianism **** happens half the time.
Marxism This **** is going to hit the fan.
Atheism No ****.
Seventh Day Adventist No **** on Saturdays.
Existentialism Absurd ****.
Agnosticism What is this ****?
Nihilism Who gives a ****?
Deconstruction **** happens in hegemonic meta-narratives.
Christian Science **** is in your mind.
Moonies Only happy **** really happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses Knock, Knock, **** happens.
Scientology **** happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard
Hare Krishna **** happens, Rama Rama.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good **** happening.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this ****.

**** = shunya
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
 
I like this one because it is true whether or not HE/SHE/? exists:
Nothing is impossible for God. (Excluding logic tests, of course)
 

eldios

Active Member
Most of these are jokes and a few are not. Thanks to Calligraphic Button Catalogue

Death? Life? I never did understand Zen.

Drag God into politics, and you've ruined His reputation before you know it

God created music so people could pray without words

God is watching-- it's a good thing He's easily amused

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts

God wrote the program, evolution is the output, meteor strikes are the reset button

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than going swimming makes you a fish

I get along with God just fine. It's his fan clubs that I can't stand.

I want you to know I've talked to God, and He agrees with me completely

If you find God hates the same people you do, you may have created Him in your own image

If you mix religion and politics, you get politics

If your religion never surprises you, you're probably doing it wrong

I'm an atheist. It's a simple faith, but it comforts me.

It's hard to be religious when certain people aren't struck by lightning

Judaism: an argument between God and His chosen pilpul

Lead me not into temptation--I can find it for myself

Many are willing to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity

Militant Agnostic--I don't know and you don't either!

Muslim...it's the new gay

Practice atheism, the religion of the gods!

Religion isn't the cause of war, it's the excuse

That voice in your head? IT'S NOT ME. ---God

The Bible talks about St. Paul, but never mentions Minneapolis

The idea that God is His own grandmother may be unsupported by Scripture, but who wants to offend God's grandmother?

The temperature of Hell is measured in degrees Calvin

The ways are many... The Light is one!

To have a few doubts is normal. To have many doubts is a crisis of faith. To have contant doubts is to be a Unitarian Universalist.

To you I'm an agnostic. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Unitarian Bible Study Today! Bring your own bible and scissors

Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp and your tuning key. Welcome to hell. Here's your harp.

What do you get if you cross a Unitarian and a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door and asks, "Now what do *you* believe?"

What kind of car does God drive? A Plymouth. "For He drove them out of the garden in His Fury."

You're here to save my soul? I'm here to test your faith

Here's a few more quotes directly from God:

A priest's greatest desire is to visit the choir boys after they sing.

Pastors are people who try to convince their flocks that Jesus lives in their hearts so they can keep living in their swell homes for free.

There's a reason the churches are preaching a false gospel today. The profits are much better.

The church of God isn't quite the same as a Christian church. It doesn't have a floor, walls, windows, doors, ceilings, roof, pews, altar, pulpit and not even a good sound system.

A false prophet always accuses someone else of being a false prophet. Welcome to Christianity.

Don’t be mistaken about spiritual things as being religion. Spiritual things are of God while religion comes from very deceived human beings.

A religious man’s heart is hidden by the blood of Jesus and any other excuse he can use to keep sinning.

If you want to keep from learning the truth, just ask any religious person.

If you need scriptures to explain the spirit, the spirit is not in you.

Faith and obedience are necessary for spiritual growth. Memorizing scriptures and regular attendance at church are necessary for religious growth.

The secret to Christianity is to not believe the truth.

God has no room for sinners. Did anyone tell the Christians that?

Christians are the easiest people to pick on because Satan has a harder time covering for them.

The unspiritual man's qualifications for Bible study is to believe anything you want as long as you don't disagree with him.

A Christian leads a man everywhere but to the spirit.

Spiritual churches like the church the Rock built, aren't very popular these days. There's no money in them.
 
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