Araceli Cianna
Active Member
Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I think I just have to learn to ignore the bad stuff and go with the good. Even if it is or isn't real, the good gives me purpose and satisfaction. I am hoping with the medication I am on and have recently been given as an addition I can continue to explore my own path without the accompanying panic attacks.
I am always terrified that the demons will come back through my spiritual exploration and possess me. I was raised in a Christian household where the demon Jezebel was always a topic of conversation (i.e. "that person is possessed by the Jezebel spirit"). My therapist surmised that my 'experience' of Jezebel possessing me (a totally frightening and extremely painful experience) was a projection of my own shameful qualities onto something 'external' and that I was merely continuing the trend I had been brought up with.
I long for a day where I am not haunted by this spirit (whether real or hallucinogenic) and can get on and enjoy my spirituality again the way I did before she ruined my life.
She haunts my thoughts, my vision, my dreams, everything, there is not a minute I can go by where she is not there in the background taunting me. I cannot do ANYTHING without her interference. I cannot pray, I cannot meditate, I cannot so anything remotely spiritual or she is there tormenting me saying that she will fudge up my life. Even now I cannot write this panic free but I am sick and tired of this affliction. I just want to be free again in my mind.
It's truly cathartic getting this all out. I don't know how to cope or continue anymore. She is always there saying "accept me accept me, this will all end", as if accepting her as part of my shadow would balance me out again and liberate me from this madness. But then I'm terrified that she will then own my soul and I will be damned to hell. It's so awful. I don't know what to do....
If anyone can truly help me, I would be so grateful. My doctor is seeing if she can get me on therapy again (here in the UK it only lasts three months which is hardly useful in the long term for such a deep rooted issue such as this). If anyone can even recommend me to someone who can get me out of this, even if I have to pay, I would be grateful again.
I am at my wits end. I tried the Christian route too, again, to rid myself of her. But Jesus who said he would free me, did no such thing. The only deity lately that gives me any sense of peace and calm is Durga, but I don't really know how to work with her. And ultimately, deities can't do the work for me. I need help to figure this out myself.
I am always terrified that the demons will come back through my spiritual exploration and possess me. I was raised in a Christian household where the demon Jezebel was always a topic of conversation (i.e. "that person is possessed by the Jezebel spirit"). My therapist surmised that my 'experience' of Jezebel possessing me (a totally frightening and extremely painful experience) was a projection of my own shameful qualities onto something 'external' and that I was merely continuing the trend I had been brought up with.
I long for a day where I am not haunted by this spirit (whether real or hallucinogenic) and can get on and enjoy my spirituality again the way I did before she ruined my life.
She haunts my thoughts, my vision, my dreams, everything, there is not a minute I can go by where she is not there in the background taunting me. I cannot do ANYTHING without her interference. I cannot pray, I cannot meditate, I cannot so anything remotely spiritual or she is there tormenting me saying that she will fudge up my life. Even now I cannot write this panic free but I am sick and tired of this affliction. I just want to be free again in my mind.
It's truly cathartic getting this all out. I don't know how to cope or continue anymore. She is always there saying "accept me accept me, this will all end", as if accepting her as part of my shadow would balance me out again and liberate me from this madness. But then I'm terrified that she will then own my soul and I will be damned to hell. It's so awful. I don't know what to do....
If anyone can truly help me, I would be so grateful. My doctor is seeing if she can get me on therapy again (here in the UK it only lasts three months which is hardly useful in the long term for such a deep rooted issue such as this). If anyone can even recommend me to someone who can get me out of this, even if I have to pay, I would be grateful again.
I am at my wits end. I tried the Christian route too, again, to rid myself of her. But Jesus who said he would free me, did no such thing. The only deity lately that gives me any sense of peace and calm is Durga, but I don't really know how to work with her. And ultimately, deities can't do the work for me. I need help to figure this out myself.