So I woke up miserable and wanting to die and went to Mass today for the first time in a while and there was a statue of Mary holding a Rosary that just warmed my heart and filled my soul with light, joy, and peace every time I glanced at it.
I got a lot out of mass and didn't expect to and it wasn't the sermon, the music, the Scripture readings, communion, or anything you would think it was. It was that I felt close to Mother Mary. The message from her wasn't clear, it was just I felt very close to her, felt like she loved and accepted me, felt that maternal nurturing that only a Mother can give, and went from feeling suicidal and miserable to being joyful, giddy, peaceful, faithful, childlike, meek, humble, and hopeful.
I suppose it could all be in my head, but I don't have the power to transform my mood and emotions like that, or I would make a habit of doing it more often. It came as a huge surprise.
I don't get those graces when I go to God. I get those graces when I go to Mary. I guess God is calling some of us to go to His Mother. I put this in the religious debates because some people think devotion to Mary is evil. Well, nothing fills me more with Christ-like virtues and graces than going to His Mother, so I don't see how it can be evil.
Truly, I woke up feeling empty, tired, miserable, hopeless, and wishing I was dead, went to mass and was truly amazed at how my mood, attitude, and emotions flipped to the opposite of joy, peace, love for God (who I had grown to hate), gratitude, humility, meekness, giggling inside, and lots of positive energy.
Would you still say my experience was evil? I also get more out of praying the Rosary than other prayers/devotions and wear a scapular. Is that evil?
Are you worshipping evil? No, I dont believe so. The Catholic Church can, and will bring those seeking God to Him, if He's who they really want to go to. I converted to Catholicism after marrying into a Catholic family, who have since, all switched to Bible based Churches, as I have. I guess it was all of those scandals, {Priests, and kids}, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't a conscious decision, we all just kind of fell away one by one. Except for one sister-in-law who had done her homework, and was disgusted with the Church. I had been baptised Presbyterian, as a baby, but Church attendance was short lived, in my childhood, due to divorce, etc. So, it was the Catholic Church Mass, the Church itself, with all the beautiful stained glass depictions from the Bible, the CCD classes we had our kids attend, the warmth, and comforting routine of the whole liturgical program there that was actually opening my heart to Jesus, even though, I still wasn't a real Christian yet. That's not to say, I didn't think I could be considered Christian, because, of course, Yeah, I considered myself, a good person, a believer in Christ, a Christian, but I knew, there was more, and somehow, I wasn't getting it. After a few years, a lot of personal marriage, family, financial problems, I finally dropped to my knees to plead for help, desperate, because I had tried everything within my power to fix our problems, but failed. I wanted God in my life, and told him so. After the smoke started clearing{sometimes this takes a couple of years}, I slowly felt different, I was able to manage my emotions a whole lot better. I wasn't so scared of what would happen next. Doors opened for me that just wouldn't have opened nearly as easy, if I hadn't changed first. Im certain of this. Now, since then some of those doors have slammed shut again, but its workable, not devastating. I was saved! My life has God in it, and I see now, He was always there, and I should never have doubted it.