Overweight family and friends

Purple Thyme · Jun 14, 2006

Should society, group/community, or friends/family intervene if someone is obese? Is it the moral thing to do or just none of their business? I was recently involved in a debate over this and being obese myself had my own opinions of the matter. I was just wondering how others felt if an organization they were a member of or their entire family/friends decided to correct their situation.
I personally feel that it has to come from within the person themselves but the topic opens to alot of different views. I'm really like to hear some opinions or maybe personal story from people regarding this matter of intervention.

Snowbear · Jun 15, 2006

About a year ago I was involved with an EMS response that involved a man who needed to be transported to the hospital. This man was 28 years old and weighed just over 1000 pounds. He had been unable to stand, much less walk, for several months. He ended up dying of congestive heart failure later that day.

He did not get that way over night. He had to eat and eat and eat to get this way. Since he could not prepare his own food, someone had to be doing it for him. I cannot help but think that those who loved him could have considered some sort of intervention, rather than enabling his condition to get worse and worse until eventually his poor heart could no longer sustain him.

I realize this was an extreme case, but in my 19 years as an emergency responder, he is not the first person I've encountered who was over 600 pounds and could no longer move because of the extreme obesity..... someone had to be feeding them... usually family or paid caregiver. I just cannot understand why that someone didn't get medical assistance or SOMETHING to end the destruction.

Tigress · Jun 15, 2006

There are several different reasons a person may be overweight or obese. I must take medications for medical issues. Both the medications, as well as the issues, can contribute to being overweight. It is not necessarily or exclusively a matter of being a glutton, as many would like to assume, though overeating can also be a medical condition, an eating disorder, whether on its own or as a component of another condition like clinical depression, for example. Outsiders who are unaware of the reasons for a persons overweight or obese nature should mind their own business and not be so quick to come to certain conclusions. I have read about cases where a person is simply overweight by nature and only able to shed it via gastric bypass surgery or some other form of surgery.

maggie2 · Jun 15, 2006

Personally I think your weight is your business and noone elses.

Maggie

Melody · Jun 15, 2006

Purple Thyme said:
Should society, group/community, or friends/family intervene if someone is obese? Is it the moral thing to do or just none of their business?

They should mind their own business. That person knows they have a problem and they are the only one who can make up their mind to do something about it.

cardero · Jun 15, 2006

Purple Thyme writes: Should society, group/community, or friends/family intervene if someone is obese?

My aunt held an intervention for my sister once. She wouldnt have intruded if not for the fact that my sister was spending a great deal of time, money and attention on her fingernails. My aunt justified this intervention as a clear case of not being able to see the forest through the trees.

mrscardero has been diagnosed as mildly obese. I have been trying to get her to lose weight. She has accused me of being ashamed of her because she is heavy, which isn't true. The only thing I (and doctors) have accurately diagnosed her as, is being unhealthy.

Goat · Jun 15, 2006

I personally find well rounded individuals sexually attractive so I think if their weight is something they themselves admire then it is their own choice. Sometimes that's not the case like in those who are enourmasly obese. Overweight females tend to have the 'tight fisted pityless' syndrome, originating from their weight not even being allowed to be mentioned even in compliment. I'm being very cruel but it's been my experience. But large men are ussually gentle and quite nice, and as long as they play the same game, are appreciative of compliments to their carnal endowments.

If someone is intentionally packing on weight it could be a cry for help and I don't think a full out intervention is in order, but perhaps the casual suggestion that they might want to go for a jog with you to clear their mind. It's half affliction and half choice.

Smoke · Jun 15, 2006

Purple Thyme said:
Should society, group/community, or friends/family intervene if someone is obese? Is it the moral thing to do or just none of their business?

Sticking strictly to the terms of the question, then I'd say no, there is no reason you *should *intervene just because someone is obese. However, it might be nice to invite them to share healthy meals or exercise with you, if they're inclined to do so.

On the other hand, if Aunt Jenny keeps falling through the floorboards, or Grandpa can't fit inside the pickup anymore, then yeah, somebody needs to take the situation in hand.

ChrisP · Jun 15, 2006

I used to weigh 150kg +, which is... 330 lbs. Not 1000 pounds I'll admit, but it was a problem. I currently weigh in at 90kg (about 200lbs) and feel 400% better not only about myself but also general healthwise. I have more energy, I eat less.

Your family and friends should DEFINITELY say something. It might not be their business to MAKE you do it, but making you WANT to do it should be something everyone who loves you should already be doing. That's love. My father has been fat for a while now, and he used to give me grief about it when I was younger (which for the record parents DOESN'T work) and I do not hesitate to make sure he doesn't eat more than he should. He stays up late after my mum goes to bed and wolfs down as much as he can. Whenever I'm over there at their house I stay as late as I can and make sure he goes to bed...

Ultimately however he doesn't want to lose the weight, otherwise he would. That's the key. They really have to want to... not submit and say the will or fake wanting to. Fat people have to WANT to lose the weight.

And as a caveat, if you're happy fat, you don't need to change.

Ãanisty · Jun 15, 2006

Snowbear said:
He did not get that way over night. He had to eat and eat and eat to get this way. Since he could not prepare his own food, someone had to be doing it for him. I cannot help but think that those who loved him could have considered some sort of intervention, rather than enabling his condition to get worse and worse until eventually his poor heart could no longer sustain him.

I realize this was an extreme case, but in my 19 years as an emergency responder, he is not the first person I've encountered who was over 600 pounds and could no longer move because of the extreme obesity..... someone had to be feeding them... usually family or paid caregiver. I just cannot understand why that someone didn't get medical assistance or SOMETHING to end the destruction.

That is certainly an extreme case. The people who take care of them should not be giving in to them and giving them all that food. They're are enabling them...they are playing an active part in killing them.

Goat said:
Overweight females tend to have the 'tight fisted pityless' syndrome, originating from their weight not even being allowed to be mentioned even in compliment. I'm being very cruel but it's been my experience. But large men are ussually gentle and quite nice, and as long as they play the same game, are appreciative of compliments to their carnal endowments.

You seem to be looking at the effect. If you tried looking at the cause, you'd probably feel a bit guilty about it since, in a way, you are contributing with this post. Nobody accepts women who are even slightly overweight. Women who are overweight are the victim of insults and discrimination. It's just not the same for men. Nobody really cares if men are overweight, so the men themselves don't feel bad about it and don't become negative over it. Why would they? The women though...there is only so much cruelty you can take before you become a *****. They're not that way because they're fat...they're that way because they're tormented.

ChrisP said:
And as a caveat, if you're happy fat, you don't need to change.

As an obese person, I have to disagree with you. Happy doesn't mean healthy.

Comet · Jun 15, 2006

I think if it becoming a health issue or if it effecting other people, an intervention is okay. Just to bring it up with them and let them know your feelings on the subject. If they don't care to change, then stay out of it.

My dad was overweight by quite a bit (to say it nicely). He is diabetic and was supposed to change his diet and loose weight. We encourage him to do so and he lost a bit of weight. He finally had a major heart attack. That is what really changed his mind to change his diet and loose weight. I guess two things that can kill you any day give you a new outlook on life. We still encourage him and would have an intervention were he not on board with doing so.

My sister is overweight. I just stay out of it. When she is on a weight losing kick, I encourage her. When she isn't, I just stay out of it.

Comet · Jun 15, 2006

Ðanisty said:
Nobody accepts women who are even slightly overweight. Women who are overweight are the victim of insults and discrimination. It's just not the same for men. Nobody really cares if men are overweight, so the men themselves don't feel bad about it and don't become negative over it. Why would they? The women though...there is only so much cruelty you can take before you become a *****. They're not that way because they're fat...they're that way because they're tormented.

Wow, I'm not sure what to say about this....... Many cultures like women bigger (Inuit for example). I also know many overweight women who are beautiful and loved very much..... many that are happily married and ones that I have dated. I also seen plenty of overweight men get insulted. I've had overweight friends (male) that do feel bad and discriminated against for being heavy. They just tend to act as if it a joke while with others. Behind closed doors they are just as emotional and tormented about this as the women I've talked to about it.

I don't think anybody should feel trapped in torment for being who they are..... and I hope you don't feel that way

dawny0826 · Jun 15, 2006

I'm clinically obese and will tell you that for the most part...I think society and when I say society...I mean everyone OUTSIDE of your personal community of friends, acquaintances and family...should keep OUT of your personal business.

It's frustrating to walk out into public with your own family, minding your own business...to be stared at and gawked at as if the person doing the staring and gawking has never seen someone large before. It's maddening and no doubt there are just genuine ignorant and mean people out there but I think many people form their opinions on what is and isn't beautiful by what they see on TV and see in magazines...and for the most part..."society"...especially the media has never done the BEST job at showing that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

I can't tell you how much I respect the overweight models, writers and actresses, especially the female overweight and obese models, writers and actresses who are making a living BEING THEMSELVES and proudly living their lives as they are without buying into and further circulating the bs that is...BEAUTIFUL = Runway model.

I do however think that family and friends should lovingly intervene if someone is really struggling with their weight because obesity is so much more than just a cosmetic factor. Obesity is incredibly dangerous for one's health both short and long term. Sometimes...people need a polite wakeup call to push them into the right direction. Some people feel like they can't lose their weight because they've never been told that they can.

I sort of fit into this category. My weight has been a struggle for as long as I can remember and I'm now on a diet and exercise plan to do something about it because I want to change...and I want to be healthy. And I genuinely need the support of my loved ones because this is a lifestyle change for me and truthfully, I can't do this alone. I know I'm not the only one in this boat.

I have a year to meet a very specific weight loss goal and if I didn't have support and understanding from the people around me...I know it would be too easy to become derailed.

I realize that Health and Inner Light = Beauty moreso than Kick Booty Figure = Beauty.

I also know that the want and desire to lose weight has to come from within the indiviudal struggling. If you're not ready to make a lifestyle change...outside critique, even if provided out of love will not motivate.

I think that if someone wants to be a support system, in a loving and kind way to truly help someone who is struggling with their weight...they should reach out but to accept the fact that their help may be rejected.

If someone can not offer anything other than criticism...they should keep their mouths shut as their words will do nothing to help the person struggling.

And for people who are overweight and healthy and love the way they look and feel...they should be able to strut their stuff and live their life without criticism and cruelty.

evearael · Jun 15, 2006

It doesn't bother me if someone is a little on the heavy side or a little on the light side, as long as they are healthy. The morbidly obese and extremely thin both need help. I would never go up to to a complete stranger and lecture them, but I do feel the responsibility to encourage close family and friends to make healthy changes or get medical treatment, depending on the circumstance. I refuse to enable people to destroy themselves. I try to give positive reinforcement for healthy behaviors and try to nurture their self-worth. I see negative reinforcement as only compounding the problem.

Mike182 · Jun 15, 2006

and harm yee non, eat as yee will

i have never been obese, or anywhere near - my doctor has occasionally expressed concern about my weight, and asked me to try and put some on - my body fat percentage is about 5.7, and i currently weigh in at about 10 stone (dunno what that is in silly american weights

) - but my family is boarderline obese, because most of them drink several pints of beer a night (which i courteously refrain from) - ergo they all have beer bellies, which i don't really want

but obviously, beer and food is not the only reason why some people are obese - i had a friend who was obese from an early age, turns out it is because of a cyst or something on her overies (i don't know the full details, i don't see her now

) - the point is, no, only one person has the right to influence my weight, and that is me!

Ãanisty · Jun 18, 2006

Comet said:
Wow, I'm not sure what to say about this....... Many cultures like women bigger (Inuit for example). I also know many overweight women who are beautiful and loved very much..... many that are happily married and ones that I have dated. I also seen plenty of overweight men get insulted. I've had overweight friends (male) that do feel bad and discriminated against for being heavy. They just tend to act as if it a joke while with others. Behind closed doors they are just as emotional and tormented about this as the women I've talked to about it.

I am happily married. I never said that obese people aren't loved. I would wager to say that most people have at least family that loves them. That doesn't prevent the discrimination and cruelty from others. Obviously I can't change that. People are going to be however they are and for the most part, Americans are extremely hypocritical when it comes to weight. I have (and I'm not kidding) been taken out to dinner and at the dinner table been told that I need to lose weight. As far as overweight men getting insulted goes, that is a fairly new phenomenon (at least here in America). Regardless, it never seems to keep them from getting a job...

Comet said:
I don't think anybody should feel trapped in torment for being who they are..... and I hope you don't feel that way

It depends on the day. I will certainly feel a little less tormented when I get job.

EnhancedSpirit · Jun 18, 2006

Mike182 said:
and harm yee non, eat as yee will

i have never been obese, or anywhere near - my doctor has occasionally expressed concern about my weight, and asked me to try and put some on - my body fat percentage is about 5.7, and i currently weigh in at about 10 stone (dunno what that is in silly american weights ) - but my family is boarderline obese, because most of them drink several pints of beer a night (which i courteously refrain from) - ergo they all have beer bellies, which i don't really want

I am also underweight, and after many tests, doctors determined that I have a very high metabolism. I cannot even begin to understand what it's like to be overweight, or how someone gets that way, except for the thousands of opinions on the subject.

I do have a friend whose father weighed over 450lbs. He had a heart attack or stroke last September. The hospital could not say which, because he was too big to fit on any of the machines. He remained on a feeding tube and was a lot like Terry Shivo in her last year. Around Christmas gangrene set in, and the hospital could do nothing because they didn't have an operating table that was large enough to accommodate him. My friend watched as the gangrene ate her father alive. He finally passed away a couple of weeks ago, but for 9 months this man lay in a hospital bed, with gangrene eating away at him, because he was too large for the medical equiptment at the hospital.

It is a sad to see any one in their own personal prison, wether it be food obsession, alcoholism, or drug abuse. The only thing we can really do is love them unconditionally, and hope they can learn to love themselves. Tell them your concern. But you have to do it in a way that does not come across as being judgemental, or criticizing. It's very hard to say something without causing feelings of unacceptance.

Melody · Jun 18, 2006

evearael said:
I refuse to enable people to destroy themselves. I try to give positive reinforcement for healthy behaviors and try to nurture their self-worth. I see negative reinforcement as only compounding the problem.

Fat people do not need anyone telling them they are fat and possibly at higher risk for any number of health conditions (depending on their genetics). They're fat...not stupid. They don't need anyone giving them advice on diets. Fat people are *experts* on diet and nutrition....just not at applying the information. They don't need people telling them they're fat. Unless they're blind and stupid and are lacking mirrors in their home, they know this already.

You are not responsible for their behavior unless you're the one feeding them and as such it's none of your business.

If you go to a family member and tell them "I'm saying this because I love you...", what they're hearing is, "I don't see you...just your fat."

My favorite idiocy is watching people who drink too much caffeine, smoke, etc. telling fat people that they should lose weight because it's unhealthy.

EnhancedSpirit · Jun 18, 2006

dawny0826 said:
I'm clinically obese and will tell you that for the most part...I think society and when I say society...I mean everyone OUTSIDE of your personal community of friends, acquaintances and family...should keep OUT of your personal business.

It's frustrating to walk out into public with your own family, minding your own business...to be stared at and gawked at as if the person doing the staring and gawking has never seen someone large before. It's maddening and no doubt there are just genuine ignorant and mean people out there but I think many people form their opinions on what is and isn't beautiful by what they see on TV and see in magazines...and for the most part..."society"...especially the media has never done the BEST job at showing that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

I can't tell you how much I respect the overweight models, writers and actresses, especially the female overweight and obese models, writers and actresses who are making a living BEING THEMSELVES and proudly living their lives as they are without buying into and further circulating the bs that is...BEAUTIFUL = Runway model.

I do however think that family and friends should lovingly intervene if someone is really struggling with their weight because obesity is so much more than just a cosmetic factor. Obesity is incredibly dangerous for one's health both short and long term. Sometimes...people need a polite wakeup call to push them into the right direction. Some people feel like they can't lose their weight because they've never been told that they can.

I sort of fit into this category. My weight has been a struggle for as long as I can remember and I'm now on a diet and exercise plan to do something about it because I want to change...and I want to be healthy. And I genuinely need the support of my loved ones because this is a lifestyle change for me and truthfully, I can't do this alone. I know I'm not the only one in this boat.

I have a year to meet a very specific weight loss goal and if I didn't have support and understanding from the people around me...I know it would be too easy to become derailed.

I realize that Health and Inner Light = Beauty moreso than Kick Booty Figure = Beauty.

I also know that the want and desire to lose weight has to come from within the indiviudal struggling. If you're not ready to make a lifestyle change...outside critique, even if provided out of love will not motivate.

I think that if someone wants to be a support system, in a loving and kind way to truly help someone who is struggling with their weight...they should reach out but to accept the fact that their help may be rejected.

If someone can not offer anything other than criticism...they should keep their mouths shut as their words will do nothing to help the person struggling.

And for people who are overweight and healthy and love the way they look and feel...they should be able to strut their stuff and live their life without criticism and cruelty.

There are so many things in this post that are so right on, I do not have enough frubals to show how great it is.

It's true that if a person has no desire to change, then even the most loving suggestion to loose weight will feel like an insult. And while being obese might be a danger to ones health, so is getting into a car. I love my friends and family no matter what size they are. I would never tell any of them they need to loose weight, even if they wanted to. I would encourage them to be happy. If they are happy with themselves, I would not help them go on diets and such, I would not let them fall pray to the 'guilt trips' brought on by the people around them.

If, however, there was a true desire to change because of love of oneself (not for love of others, or fear of rejection/lonliness). Then I would find loving ways to encourage that person, and help them reach their goals.

Maybe that's why I'm a Life Coach. Ya think?

evearael · Jun 18, 2006

Fat people do not need anyone telling them they are fat and possibly at higher risk for any number of health conditions (depending on their genetics). They're fat...not stupid. They don't need anyone giving them advice on diets. Fat people are *experts* on diet and nutrition....just not at applying the information. They don't need people telling them they're fat. Unless they're blind and stupid and are lacking mirrors in their home, they know this already.

You are reading too much into my post. I do not walk up to family members, tell them they are fat and hand them an Atkins book. I will cheer them on when they give up soda and sugar, and join them on walks through parks.

You are not responsible for their behavior unless you're the one feeding them and as such it's none of your business.

If they were a guest in my home, I would not serve a dish that was excessively unhealthy, as that would be enabling. I would also not serve them a lettuce leaf, as that would be insulting.

If you go to a family member and tell them "I'm saying this because I love you...", what they're hearing is, "I don't see you...just your fat."

If I am concerned for someone I love, I would tell them so. To do otherwise is dishonest. If they are offended and don't want to hear my concern for their well being, they are well within their right. They chose their path, I will leave them to it. I will not hound them about it. If they choose to listen to my concern, I will cheer them on for every small victory and give whatever encouragement or support they need.

My favorite idiocy is watching people who drink too much caffeine, smoke, etc. telling fat people that they should lose weight because it's unhealthy.

I would behave the same if they are smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or other things dangerous to their well being. I want the people I love to live a long, healthy and happy life.

It reminds me of Genesis 4:9.

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