So, to sum up; for both theists and nontheists; how easy do you find it to forgive:-
a) yourself
b) others (and please describe what forgiveness entails. So many times have I heard the "I can forgive, but I can't forget")
c) does forgiveness (while still remembering the hurt) qualify as 'true forgiveness', or is it only a half way compromise ?
I'd like your input (and, if you wish to include actual events that occurred to you as examples, that is fine).
I personally think that it is much easier to forgive others, than it is to forgive myself; does that strike a chord ?
Well Michel, you have quite a challenge. Let me start off by saying that I really totally agree with Purex about you not forgiving yourself. You are choosing not to do so and when you are ready to put down that burden you will.
To answer your questions in my own words rather than copying Purex, here's what I can say about my own experience.
a) How easy do I find it to forgive myself? Easier now than a few years ago. I expect that I will find it easier as time goes on and I get more practice at doing it. Sometimes it's really quite easy and other times more difficult. However, I realize that this is because of my perceptions of what I think I have done that was inappropriate. Let's say I said something that I thought was hurtful. That would be something I could forgive myself for. If I ran over a child with my car, however, I'd have a heck of a time forgiving myself for that. So to some degree, my ability to forgive myself is based on my subjective feelings about the deed in question.
b) Forgiving others is a whole other matter. Here's what I have learned. We don't really forgive others for them. We do it for ourselves. I used to be able to hold a really looooonnnngggg grudge. I could hold something against another person forever. Then I started to have to deal with some really tough issues and that changed.
I had been sexually abused by an uncle by marriage as a kid. I hated that man long after he was dead. Then I realized that I was not hurting him, but I was hurting me. I was carrying all that anger and turmoil around with me and it was weighing me down. I decided that I needed to let it go and get on with my life. That was a truly freeing experience. I finally could let go and move on.
I have had other times when I have chosen to forgive and every time I have felt the benefits of doing so. In my experience, forgiveness is a choice and a decision we can make. I also have learned that many things that I used to 'hold against another person' really was minor and I just simply needed to let it go, without any need of forgiveness involved.
c) I think forgiveness is experienced when we no longer are carrying around the hurt and anger of unforgiveness. I still remember what that man did to me as a kid but I am no longer angry or upset about it. I have found this to be true in other circumstances as well. For me, a sign of forgiveness is that I am at peace about the situation, not that I have necessarily forgotten what happened.
I also want to say something else about forgiveness. I was also sexually abused by my mother when I was a kid. I had buried this deeply in my subconscious and only remembered it when I was around age 40. I had always thought of my mother as this 'good' person. She helped the neighbors, looked after her mother-in-law for 25 years, was kind and considerate etc. etc. Then I remembered what she had done to me and all I could see was this monster.
I had a real problem trying to figure out who my mother was. On the one hand she was this kind person and on the other hand she was this monster. So which was she? Well, after struggling with this question for over a year it finally dawned on me one day that my mother was not either kind or a monster, she was BOTH kind and a monster. I finally could see her as a whole person with both a light and a dark side.
Through this process I came to realize that every human being has both a dark and a light side, and that includes me. In working through this thought I realized that I too have the capacity to do things that are dark. It was a defining moment for me as it helped me understand that this is just how life is...there is both good and bad in all of us.
It took me many more months before I could really intigrate this information and I struggled with it for a long time. However, eventually I came to a place of peace about it and this knowledge, more than any other thing is what has helped me to have what little compassion I possess. Learning that we are not either good or bad but are all good AND bad was such a profound experience I can't begin to express the benefits I have had from that one a-ha.
And it was because I finally understoood this lesson that I was able to also forgive my mother and move on with my own life. I did not go to her and tell her of the forgiveness. I didn't need to do that. I recognized that the forgiveness was for my benefit and my health. I was able to be at peace about the past and move on. Today, over 15 years later, I harbor no ill will towards my mother. She has since passed on and I feel that there is no history that has left loose ends for me to deal with. She was what she was, both good and bad. The bad did not negate the good and there was much that I learned from her that will always be with me in a positive way. What more can I say?
Hope this has been of some help, Michel. I know the struggle to forgive but I also can assure you that there is great peace in reaching that place of forgiveness. Hope you can do that for yourself soon.
