What is the secret of successful marriage?

Realizing that your relationship isn't gonna always be perfect; occasional disagreements are natural.

Ana.J said:

What makes a marriage successful? Is that compatibility or willingness to compromise? Maybe love or common interests?

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There actually happens to be a few scientific studies that address your questions, and their answers might surprise you. I know they surprised me.

Before I read of the studies, I thought the things that made marriages successful (as measured in terms of "lasting" or "enduring") were such things as love, compatibility, common interests, and skills like an ability to compromise -- the very things you listed.

But it turns out that in multiple scientific studies, none of those things are all that good at predicting how long a marriage will last. However, there is one quality that is very good at predicting how long a marriage will last.

Mutual respect.

For instance, one of the studies found that scientists could predict with over 80% accuracy which couples would still be married five years in the future simply by looking at that one factor alone. If the scientists found that the couple mutually respected each other, they could bet with eight in ten chances of winning their bet that the couple would still be married in five years. But if the scientists found the couple did not mutually respect each other, they could bet with the same odds of winning their bet that the couple would be divorced or in the process of getting a divorce five years in the future.

Mutual respect. More important than love, compatibility, common interests, etc in determining how long a marriage will last.

Ana.J said:

What makes a marriage successful?

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To me, our society places far too much emphasis on how long a marriage lasts, and places not enough emphasis on the quality of the marriage. A marriage in which the couple are deeply happy with each other for five to ten years is far superior in my book to a marriage that endures twenty or thirty years with only moderate happiness or -- worse -- is an unhappy marriage.

Sunstone said:

There actually happens to be a few scientific studies that address your questions, and their answers might surprise you. I know they surprised me.

Before I read of the studies, I thought the things that made marriages successful (as measured in terms of "lasting" or "enduring") were such things as love, compatibility, common interests, and skills like an ability to compromise -- the very things you listed.

But it turns out that in multiple scientific studies, none of those things are all that good at predicting how long a marriage will last. However, there is one quality that is very good at predicting how long a marriage will last.

Mutual respect.

For instance, one of the studies found that scientists could predict with over 80% accuracy which couples would still be married five years in the future simply by looking at that one factor alone. If the scientists found that the couple mutually respected each other, they could bet with eight in ten chances of winning their bet that the couple would still be married in five years. But if the scientists found the couple did not mutually respect each other, they could bet with the same odds of winning their bet that the couple would be divorced or in the process of getting a divorce five years in the future.

Mutual respect. More important than love, compatibility, common interests, etc in determining how long a marriage will last.

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I am interested. How did they measure 'mutual respect' ?

The number one cause of divorce is marriage.

Women often marry men hoping to change them. Men often marry women hoping they never change. I don't believe in marriage anymore... I believe in faithfulness and commitment without a piece of paper.

Sunstone said:

To me, our society places far too much emphasis on how long a marriage lasts, and places not enough emphasis on the quality of the marriage. A marriage in which the couple are deeply happy with each other for five to ten years is far superior in my book to a marriage that endures twenty or thirty years with only moderate happiness or -- worse -- is an unhappy marriage.

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I can give witness to that.

Koldo said:

I am interested. How did they measure 'mutual respect' ?

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If I recall, in one study the scientists surveyed each person in the study and measured respect according to their answers to a battery of questions. I don't recall what the particular questions were -- these were things I read years ago. In another study, if I recall, they videotaped the couples being interviewed for thirty minutes each. The scientists then went back over the videos repeatedly, looking for both verbal and non-verbal signs of contempt. Contempt is not the same thing as respect, of course, but I imagine there's a fairly solid negative correlation between the two. I can't say much about a third study that I read of other than I read of one, and that it's conclusions seemed to me in line with the other two -- it's all been years since I came across these studies. I was mainly interested in such studies after my second divorce, which was over twenty years ago.

I believe mutual respect is what has kept my husband and me married for over thirty years. As I recall all of the difficult times we went through, each one
was caused by some little or a lot of disrespect felt by one or the other.

Ana.J said:

What a nice plan! You guys are creative!

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I think, been there done that is accurate.

Ana.J said:

You know, there are couples that live happily ever after.....What is their secret? Do you know any example of that type of relationship?

What makes a marriage successful? Is that compatibility or willingness to compromise? Maybe love or common interests?


I just want to be armed and prepared when time comes.

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A successful marriage requires the husband always having the last word; and that word should always be "yes, dear". It's worked for me for 45 years.

A lot of love, a good dose of humility --- and two ears and one mouth, and using them proportionally.

Realistic expectations and...as mentioned...mutual respect. You're partner hopefully enriches your life, but there's no magic bullet. Got off your butt and work out what makes you happy, and stop expecting someone else to be able to do it for you.

Something like that, anyway.

Mestemia said:

I was being sarcastic....

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Me too.

The institution called marriage in my thinking is a prison, you cannot institutionalize love, or friendship, I have never had anything to do with it and never will.

Secrets to a successful marriage (husbandly perspective).....
- Honesty is like alcohol.....use it carefully & in moderation.
- Never cheat.
- Go to plays, visit relatives, & go on vacations even though you'd rather not.
- Never ever take the Mrs to an engine show.

Sunstone said:

There actually happens to be a few scientific studies that address your questions, and their answers might surprise you. I know they surprised me.

Before I read of the studies, I thought the things that made marriages successful (as measured in terms of "lasting" or "enduring") were such things as love, compatibility, common interests, and skills like an ability to compromise -- the very things you listed.

But it turns out that in multiple scientific studies, none of those things are all that good at predicting how long a marriage will last. However, there is one quality that is very good at predicting how long a marriage will last.

Mutual respect.

For instance, one of the studies found that scientists could predict with over 80% accuracy which couples would still be married five years in the future simply by looking at that one factor alone. If the scientists found that the couple mutually respected each other, they could bet with eight in ten chances of winning their bet that the couple would still be married in five years. But if the scientists found the couple did not mutually respect each other, they could bet with the same odds of winning their bet that the couple would be divorced or in the process of getting a divorce five years in the future.

Mutual respect. More important than love, compatibility, common interests, etc in determining how long a marriage will last.

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How did their bets play out when actual science, 5 years later, was utilized?

LOL on "scientific" studies.

Sunstone said:

There actually happens to be a few scientific studies that address your questions, and their answers might surprise you. I know they surprised me.

Before I read of the studies, I thought the things that made marriages successful (as measured in terms of "lasting" or "enduring") were such things as love, compatibility, common interests, and skills like an ability to compromise -- the very things you listed.

But it turns out that in multiple scientific studies, none of those things are all that good at predicting how long a marriage will last. However, there is one quality that is very good at predicting how long a marriage will last.

Mutual respect.

For instance, one of the studies found that scientists could predict with over 80% accuracy which couples would still be married five years in the future simply by looking at that one factor alone. If the scientists found that the couple mutually respected each other, they could bet with eight in ten chances of winning their bet that the couple would still be married in five years. But if the scientists found the couple did not mutually respect each other, they could bet with the same odds of winning their bet that the couple would be divorced or in the process of getting a divorce five years in the future.

Mutual respect. More important than love, compatibility, common interests, etc in determining how long a marriage will last.

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Someone on a podcast I listen to called this the "awesomeness factor". I liked her term.

http://www.scienceofrelationships.c...awesomeness-factor-on-freakonomics-radio.html

LuisDantas said:

Would you feel like elaborating?

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Early child development suggests that as a child's personality develops they normally share their mother's identity at the very beginning and then learn to become individuals gradually. They gradually learn that their mother is separate from themselves and that there are also other people. This is not something they know automatically and is not a matter of words. People are born physically before we are born mentally. Babies' learning to walk and do things for themselves is only what we see on the outside. What is going on inside of them is even more extreme. When they cry they experience deep depression, fear, shame and self hate all at once. That's why you shouldn't let babies cry for too long. They have to learn moderation in emotion until they eventually can hear themselves cry and know that it is only a sound. Children individuate, their minds forming a self identity when only then allows them to begin to be people and to consider 'You' 'Me' or 'They'. I think that the more stable (caring, consistent) relationships they have the better. A second parent, some siblings and some extended family relationships all have positive benefits. The quality of the relationships matters, too.

Little toddlers like to eat with their family around them, and sometimes they smile and point to each person, with amazement on their face. They are fascinated I think, because they are realizing that each body at the table is a separate person. It is like a joke for them and a discovery. We adults who are used to it don't always get the joke, but we like watching the cute little kids happy and pointing. They look as if they are counting, but they don't know how to count yet. At a table of only two a toddler doesn't get this kind of experience as often. They also like to test people -- both before and after they learn to talk with all kinds of tests and probings. They want to see if they always get the same response, and this is also a bit of a fascination for them. They have no certainty in themselves about anything. They like to ask multiple people the same questions and test multiple people with the same stimuli. There also comes a time when a little child learns their first joke, and then they never stop saying it until they are told to stop. They want to keep on telling that same joke endlessly, even if they don't get it themselves.

It seems to me that you are talking not so much about marriage proper as about a functioning, present, supportive family.

There is a world of difference between the two things.

Ana.J said:

You know, there are couples that live happily ever after.....What is their secret? Do you know any example of that type of relationship?

What makes a marriage successful? Is that compatibility or willingness to compromise? Maybe love or common interests?

I just want to be armed and prepared when time comes.

Click to expand...

It rather simple, it's the same qualities that make a successful life. The only difference is the other person has to understand this too.