Maybe it's just time to stop caring

This is a rant. That's all it is. I'm just at my breaking point and can't handle much more unless I am somehow able to convince myself that none of what's bothering me really matters.

Maybe it's time for me to stop caring that there are some people here on RF who are going to hate me no matter what. I'm not talking about people who are anti-Mormon. I'm talking about people who are "anti-Kathryn." Maybe it's time for me to try not to be hurt when they PM me with nasty comments or wade through old threads looking for things I've said to find fault with.

Maybe it's time for me to stop being frustrated when the same person over and over again posts lies about what my Church teaches and tries to convince other people that I belong to a "cult." He's not going to stop and nothing I could possibly do is going to change that. He is allowed to say anything he wants to say about my beliefs. He is allowed to distort them, ridicule them and condemn them -- all in the name of Jesus Christ. This is allowed. I don't know why, but if I keep letting it get to me, I'm going to end up an even bigger basket case than I already am.

Maybe it's time for me to stop trying to get people to understand how I feel. No matter how carefully I choose my words, someone is going to misunderstand me and accuse me of saying something I never said and wouldn't have even thought to say. Somehow I've always thought I had a pretty good way with words. Evidently, that's not the case because no matter how hard I try, people read things into what I've said that are quite the opposite of what I mean. Maybe it's time for me to simply speak my mind and wait to be banned. I apparently haven't figured out the rules, anyway, because Aqualung managed to get banned for what seemed to me to be far less offensive remarks than certain other individuals routinely make.

Maybe it's time for me to admit that I have failed at being a good wife, a good mother and a good Latter-day Saint. I fall so far short of where I want to be in all of these areas that it's not even funny. Sometimes the frustration and guilt is more than I can stand. I don't fit in anywhere: not in my own Church (I'm far too liberal for most of my fellow Latter-day Saints, even though I do a pretty good job of hiding my true feelings) and not here on RF either, where I have totally failed at being able to make my beliefs understood and my feelings appreciated. My husband is an absolute saint; I don't even begin to deserve him. I failed both of my kids. I was too permissive, too open-minded and allowed them too much freedom. Consequently, neither one of them continues to be a practicing member of the Church in which they were raised.

Maybe it's time for me to just put it all in God's hands and throw in the towel. I may never have my kids with me in heaven. I may not have my husband either. I wouldn't blame God for separating us. I haven't lived up to what He expected of me when He blessed me with the most perfect life anyone could ask for. Maybe I should just give up pretending that I love going to church, love studying the scriptures and never have any doubts about anything. I hate Sundays; they are a total guilt trip for me. I believe with all my heart that if the Church Jesus Christ established when He was here on earth is the one I belong to. I value my membership in it, but I don't measure up to what I'm supposed to be. In Sacrament Meeting today, the theme was the Holy Ghost and how He prompts us in everything we do. Again, I don't fit in. I know people who seem to have constant input from the Spirit. For the most part, I feel as if I'm on my own. According to what I'm taught, we can hear His still small voice if we're worthy. I guess that tells me where I stand.

I guess it's time for me to up my dosage of Zoloft, even though I think I'm already on the maximum prescribed dosage. My life should be so good. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I hope He's merciful -- to me and to everybody else.

hey Katz, i'm sorry to read this, and if i may, :kissbette

just so you know, you are always welcome to report issues of "pestering" and abuse of the PM system, please don't feel like you have to put up with it :hug:

you will be in my thoughts and prayers this evening, if you don't mind?

mike

Mike182 said:

hey Katz, i'm sorry to read this, and if i may, :kissbette

just so you know, you are always welcome to report issues of "pestering" and abuse of the PM system, please don't feel like you have to put up with it :hug:

you will be in my thoughts and prayers this evening, if you don't mind?

mike

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Mind? Any prayers on my behalf are always appreciated. Thanks, Mike.

Kat,

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much that overwhelms in your life!! I want to help you!

First off you need to quit being so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful, intelligent, gifted and giving woman! You expect too much of yourself. If you take a look at your life objectively you will see that your husband loves you, your children are wonderful people and I'm convinced that you serve your church with all that you have to give! And I can gather all this from the less than perfect means of online communication. You are a lovely person....of this I am certain!

It's natural for kids to stray from religion for a time when they've been immersed in it their whole lives. Have faith they will find their way traveling their own unique road. You don't want religious robots....let them find truth from navigating with their own maps and encouragement from you on the sidelines.

As for the pest on the forum....if he gets out of line, report him. Or, if he is being unreasonable and twisting your words continually, put him on ignore and inform him you will no longer debate with him. If you are constantly stating your views and he refuses to take them as you give them, it's not worth it Kathryn. You come here to discuss issues....not constantly smack your head against a wall. I'll have to start following you around and give you a hand if you need it.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to vent.

Katzpur said:

Maybe it's time for me to stop caring that there are some people here on RF who are going to hate me no matter what. I'm not talking about people who are anti-Mormon. I'm talking about people who are "anti-Kathryn." Maybe it's time for me to try not to be hurt when they PM me with nasty comments or wade through old threads looking for things I've said to find fault with.

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Good idea. There will always be hate-filled people in the world. Just because Christ said to love thy enemies, doesn't mean you have to listen to them.

Katzpur said:

Maybe it's time for me to stop being frustrated when the same person over and over again posts lies about what my Church teaches and tries to convince other people that I belong to a "cult."....

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Sounds like a good candidate for the ignore list. I think you do a great job of defending your faith Kat, but some people are too enveloped in hate that it is better to ignore them.

Katzpur said:

Maybe it's time for me to stop trying to get people to understand how I feel. No matter how carefully I choose my words, someone is going to misunderstand me and accuse me of saying something I never said and wouldn't have even thought to say. Somehow I've always thought I had a pretty good way with words.

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I'd say you do have a good way with words Katz, you have always helped me better understand your faith.
People will always twist words to further their own end, its the nature of the beast. Maybe you should try to take a step back when things get intense, perhaps leave the entire thread - its not worth upsetting yourself over, there are other LDS members here that can put up a good fight in your stead.

Katzpur said:

Maybe it's time for me to admit that I have failed at being a good wife, a good mother and a good Latter-day Saint. I fall so far short of where I want to be in all of these areas that it's not even funny.

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I find this hard to believe, but obviously i do not know your private life. You should speak to your husband and kids, see what they think about this. Maybe think about seeing a counsellor, talk through your fears with someone independant.

Katzpur said:

Sometimes the frustration and guilt is more than I can stand. I don't fit in anywhere: not in my own Church (I'm far too liberal for most of my fellow Latter-day Saints, even though I do a pretty good job of hiding my true feelings)

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Since when is liberality a bad thing? Jesus was the most liberal man of his time. And love, true love for all men requires a liberal attitude towards the beliefs of others, because the beliefs and lifestyle of a person dictate their feelings. To love them and not hurt their feelings, you must respect and accept who they are - you must be liberal.

Katzpur said:

...and not here on RF either, where I have totally failed at being able to make my beliefs understood and my feelings appreciated.

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Like i said, i think you're a great teacher of LDS beliefs.

Katzpur said:

My husband is an absolute saint; I don't even begin to deserve him. I failed both of my kids. I was too permissive, too open-minded and allowed them too much freedom. Consequently, neither one of them continues to be a practicing member of the Church in which they were raised.

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And would you have rather forced them to believe what you believe?
Of course not, you are too good a woman. Restricting the freedom of your kids would only have caused them to resent you and the Church.

Katzpur said:

I may never have my kids with me in heaven. I may not have my husband either. I wouldn't blame God for separating us. I haven't lived up to what He expected of me when He blessed me with the most perfect life anyone could ask for.

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Kathryn, this is quite upsetting for me to hear. Would it be heaven without your family?
Maybe this might help, i use this question whenever i encounter something like this. Ask yourself; Is God an idiot?

I don't think that He is. He made the rules, and He can break them too. God knows that separating you from your family would not be a reward for you, and i doubt it would be a reward for them either. You can't know what God expects from you, just trust that He has your best interests at heart.

Katzpur said:

Maybe I should just give up pretending that I love going to church, love studying the scriptures and never have any doubts about anything. I hate Sundays; they are a total guilt trip for me.

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Maybe you could take a break from it for a while, allow your head to clear. Is this possible?

Katzpur said:

I know people who seem to have constant input from the Spirit. For the most part, I feel as if I'm on my own. According to what I'm taught, we can hear His still small voice if we're worthy. I guess that tells me where I stand.

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Kathryn. The spirit only guides those that need guidance. If you can't hear him, then maybe you don't need to.

Heya Kathryn,

Firstly I think it would be very healthy if you tried to stop caring about the way other people felt about you and your religion. Or at least stopped caring about the negativity. The way I look at it, if somebody feels something negative towards myself or my religion then that is not my problem it is their's. I should feel pity towards them, perhaps, for having that problem but otherwise not let it upset me.

I think you are being too harsh on your judgement of yourself. For example, if you forced your kids or brainwashed them into becoming LDS, then do you feel God would have liked that? Surely he would have commended you for giving them the free will to decide on their own?

My understanding is that God's standards are high. So high that he doesn't expect you to live up to them. He only expects you to try your hardest. You appear to be giving it your all and then some, exceeding his expectations. Why would he want more from you than you can give?

I'm always here to talk if you need to *hugs*
Fluffy

we have a saying were i live

dont let them grind you down!

Kathryn,

You know that you're one of my favorite people on the forums. I've already lost my other favorite person. Don't stop caring. :hug:

You are all so sweet! Thank you. I think I need to go have a good cry now. And believe me, it's going to be a real good one.

John 15:18 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' NIV

II Timothy 3:12 In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, 13 while evil men and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. NIV

Hey Girlfriend...

It looks like you are in som GOOOOOD company!

Katzpur said:

You are all so sweet! Thank you. I think I need to go have a good cry now. And believe me, it's going to be a real good one.

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Kathryn, you are absolutley amazing! You are kind, generous, and you turn the other cheek(which is a rare find now-a-days). You know how many times you've convinced me to stay here? More then you'll know. It's usually you and only you that convinces me to stay.

You are so wonderful and amazing, I hope to meet you some day. Maybe we could set up a weekend where I could drive down to Salt Lake and we could have lunch together with Jonny, you and me or something.

You are an awesome woman and you have so much patience, I wish I had it. I think I'm the most impatient mormon there is......Kathryn, I love you, you are like a mum to me (which is good, because my relationship with my mum can be a bit strained at times). You are unbelievablely incredible. Out of all the people on this forum, I want to be like you. I've often thought, "I wish I could be as strong and knowledgable as Kathryn"...and that's no lie. I look up to you so much.

You are funny, and beautiful( yes you are!), kind, caring, patient, chaste, virtuous, knowledgable. I could keep going and going. The list is a mile long about you.

Most of Kathryn, you are my sister in Christ and have been since I've came here. I don't have many friends, and I'm a bit of a loner. Having another latter-day Saint that's a little more liberal in her thinking (like myself) helps. Thank you Kathryn, you've been a friend to me more then you can imagine.

jonny said:

Kathryn,

You know that you're one of my favorite people on the forums. I've already lost my other favorite person. Don't stop caring. :hug:

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I second that :group:

My dear Katzpur, I am so very sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. We who believe, have all felt at one time or another that we fall short. God loves us in spite of our faults and weaknesses. He created us and therefore understands what we go through. We cannot make our loved ones follow the same path so don't fret about your children. He gave us choice and the best we can do is guide them, love them, pray for them and put their lives into His strong hands.

You are going through a darkness of the soul. Don't give up! Keep praying and ask for His guidence, He will not forsake you. He loves you with a love that surpasses anything you can imagine. Rejoice in the life that He has given you. You are beautiful in His sight. Your life is between you and God, nobody else.

Maybe you should take a break from this place for a couple of days, read your scripture in private. Take some time to be still and listen.

Perhaps your meds are acting up in your system, so talk to your doctor about changing them, or regulating them better.

I am a Catholic, and I too have gone through this darkness of feeling unworthy. I thought the same thing, " Why bother?" or I am a hypocrit. I prayed that God would stay near me during this time of great sorrow, for I never want to be seperated from Him. Guess what? In time, He restored my joy. I am sure He will do the same for you. " The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between you knee and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything."

May the Lord bless and keep you. May he make His face to shine upon you. Come Holy Ghost and comfort our friend. Peace be with you my dear.

You are all so sweet! Thank you. I think I need to go have a good cry now. And believe me, it's going to be a real good one.

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Big hugs from afar! I hope you feel better soon. You are a wonderful person, don't let others tear you down. There will always be people who say hurtful things, and that is a problem for them, not for you. I have never believed for a second that your Church is a cult, and I have never once thought you were insincere in your faith. In my humble opinion, everyone has a unique and beautiful relationship with God, so don't feel bad if your relationship seems different than other people. You love your family deeply, you have not failed them. If you ever need to vent, I'm here. More hugs and I'll pray for you to find peace.

Maybe it's time for me to stop being frustrated when the same person over and over again posts lies about what my Church teaches and tries to convince other people that I belong to a "cult." He's not going to stop and nothing I could possibly do is going to change that. He is allowed to say anything he wants to say about my beliefs. He is allowed to distort them, ridicule them and condemn them -- all in the name of Jesus Christ. This is allowed. I don't know why, but if I keep letting it get to me, I'm going to end up an even bigger basket case than I already am.

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Well, I guess that would be me you referred to. Kathryn, I am really very sorry to have upset you with my posts. I would never ridicule your beliefs, and I know you believe articles I post don't represent your church's beliefs, so I will try to respect that as best I know how. I know you believe you are in the true church, and that you do not consider it to be a cult or non-Christian. You are really great at defending the LDS beliefs, not enough to convert me, but sometimes enough to shut me up real good, lol. I promise you I will try my best to be kind and considerate of the LDS beliefs and others beliefs, while still being true to mine, okay? I am truly sorry you are going through a bad time and extremely sorry if I added in any way to it. I know everyone thinks I am terrible, I'm not, I love everyone here, I just get carried away proclaiming my understanding of 'what is truth'. Anyway, again, I am sorry for anything I have done to upset you. You are a good, caring person, and a great debator.
One thing I do know, where we always seem to fall short in sometimes what seems to be every area of our lives that we think we shouldn't, God IS merciful! He loves us so much, you know that, His mercy and grace, and lovingkindess is new each morning, He paid for all our sins, and gave His righteousness so we don't have to worry any more. Don't let anyone or anything make you feel guilty, Jesus bore your guilt on the cross, and its gone forever. You are not a failure, at anything, you are a child of the most high God, a new creation, sealed forever by the Holy Spirit. God loves you, He holds you in His hands, and will never let you go. He only wants good for you, He is not up there waiting to bash you everytime you don't do everything perfect. Ah, I am rambling, I just wanted to again apologize to you, I don't know if you believe me, I know I have a lot to learn about debating here, but, I am sorry to have caused you any pain at all. Maybe we can just agree on the things we agree on, I think they are pretty close in many ways. And we can just agree to disagree on the other. I am sorry I debated whether LDS are Christian, in my heart of hearts, I pray we believe in the 'same' Jesus. All I want is for us all to be with Him someday, and I do want us to all love each other better. Kathryn, I hope you feel better, and remember, Jesus loves you, no matter what, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Sincerely, and apologeticaly,
Michael

Kathryn,

Your post broke my heart.

I can relate in many ways, Kathryn and I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I care about you as a person and I've always viewed you as a dynamite representative of your church. You've touched my heart and in many ways have changed the way I view certain things...just by being yourself...standing firm on your beliefs and presenting your views in a kind and respectful way.

I can also relate to the way that you're feeling in your personal life.

I think we all go through "droughts"...where we feel down on ourselves. I'm just now slowly coming out of my own slump. I TOTALLY know what it's like to feel as if you're falling short in different areas of your life. (And with me...I'm contemplating whether to up or lower my daily dosage of Wellbutrin.)

God really does hold new mercy and grace for us each day. I'm learning as I go...that I only have my best to give each day. If I place my faith in Christ and give it my all...I'm on the right track. If I mess up...I can repent...let it go and move on. It's not always easy, of course but God really does have new mercy and grace for us each and every day.

We actually had a lesson today in church about how the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.

These are two verses that we looked at today...

From Romans...

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

God knows our hearts, even when we're unsure of ourselves. And I'm finding that sometimes the greatest joy comes about because of my trials and the obstacles that I face.

You're a beautiful person, Kathryn. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers and I'm always here for you as a friend and as a sister in Christ.

Kat, I'm devastated to hear this. I'm sorry if there's ever been anything I've said or done that's contributed to you feeling this way. You are a daughter of God, and anyone who treats you like less than that doesn't deserve your beautiful, heart-warming and loving company.

(And if someone's PMing you and it makes you feel uncomfortable, please let them or I or whomever know so that we can put a stop to it.)

Halcyon hs said everything I would have said so I won't repeat it. I will say, however, that you need to quit beating up on yourself. You are a kind and caring human being and you are God's child. There are lots of folks here who care about you and I count myself one of them. Hang in there.

Don't beat yourself up too much. There are enough unpleasant people in the world, there's no need to be unpleasant to yourself. Especially if the only thing self-criticism does is make you feel worse...even if what you're saying is true (I don't believe it for a second, but people say some odd things about themselves when they're too stressed), throwing in the towel helps nothing. A towel is an important thing to keep ahold of. Ask Douglas Adams, if you like. So hang in there. You can borrow my towel if you like.

And by the bye, keep in mind other people make their own choices. Your kids make their own choices and have a right to. Your husband has a right to be deserved by you (he sounds like a nice guy, I suspect he'd be concerned that you feel so badly). People have a right to be idiots now and again, and you've every right to be upset about it, but try not to let it get you down. There's a lot of lovely people out there too.

Not really much I can say that isn't easier to say than do, though. I'm sorry to hear how upset you are, I'm worried about you, and I hope things turn out alright for you.

i don't have any strength left to give, but even though i don't know you, i feel for you. i hope that is enough because it is all i can do.