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I Think I am Broken...

Quetzal

A little to the left and slightly out of focus.
Premium Member
Hey folks,

I would like to welcome some feedback to a problem I have been having with relationships (with ladies, not snowmen. Despite what @Wirey might tell you...).

So, the basic pattern so far goes a bit like this:
  1. Q Meets Girl
  2. Q Likes Girl
  3. Q Dates Girl
  4. Q Gets Restless/Bored
  5. Q Finds Flaw in Girl
  6. Q Breaks Up With Girl
  7. /end
This sucks, I don't mean to do this. I mean it! I don't ever want to hurt anyone and I want something meaningful. After poking around on the interwebs a bit, I have affectionately called this process the "grass is greener" syndrome. In short, when I get to step 4, I begin to do apples to apples comparisons with whoever I am with to someone I am not with. Obviously, my mind builds up a fantasy/flawed perspective and the girl I am with is set up for failure.

I want to stop this! I don't know what to do or how to handle it. :( I feel like a big jerk and I want to quit it. I just... don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading, Q
 

jonathan180iq

Well-Known Member
How do you view yourself?
What is your opinion of your character?
Do you find yourself attractive?
Do you think you're a great catch?
Can you provide things for a partner that no one else can?
 

Quetzal

A little to the left and slightly out of focus.
Premium Member
How do you view yourself?
I am a really really harsh judge of my own capabilities. I like to play disc golf (stop laughing!) and I am overly critical of my game. I want all aspects to be perfect and I dedicate a lot of time to practicing that. Same goes for my learning of programming. When I don't understand something my thought is: "Well, damn Q, other people understand this, why don't you?"

What is your opinion of your character?
This is shaky because I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what I described in the OP and... I was, for better or worse, a bit of a jerk to women. So... pass...

Do you find yourself attractive?
Maybe a 6 on a scale of 1-10?

Do you think you're a great catch?
Right now? No, not until I figure this out. I am too unpredictable to be a great catch.

Can you provide things for a partner that no one else can?
I don't know... never really thought of that before.

Edited out language. Oops!
 

YmirGF

Bodhisattva in Recovery
If you are 50 you might want to re-examine your process and re-evaluate the qualities that attract you. In other words, that enticing packaging gets old too quickly once you have unwrapped the present.

If you are 20-30... take heart. No biggy. Though you might want to re-examine those qualities that initially attract you and weight them against what you find wanting later on. Figure out that and you might be able to target more effectively.

Try to avoid getting anxious about it as prospective mates will pick up on your anxiety, even subconsciously. Like, what kind of a relationship do you really want? Do you even want the 2.35 kids, white picket fence, sedan in the driveway type shtick? Do you want something less certain but more adventurous?

(Typo fix... hahah... now I get the king reference that puzzled me.) DOH!
I really must go open the blinds or turn a light on. It's dark as a cave in here. :)
 
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Quetzal

A little to the left and slightly out of focus.
Premium Member
If you are 50 you might want to re-examine your process and re-evaluate the qualities that attract you. In other words, that enticing packaging gets old too quickly once you have unwrapped the present.

If you are 20-30... take heart. No biggy. Though you might want to re-examine those qualities that initially attract you and weight them against what you find wanting later on. Figure out that and you might be able to target more effectively.
FYI for the discussion, I am 29.
 

beenherebeforeagain

Rogue Animist
Premium Member
Question: How well do you communicate with your partners? Especially about expectations and intentions and purpose of the relationship? About what you are wanting and how you are going to be assessing whether or not you are getting what you are wanting? [Have you seen those commercials recently where people are being honest about what they're doing? Have no idea what the product is, but a couple are meeting on a first date..."In full disclosure, I've got plans later in case this doesn't work" "So do I. You'll be glad to know my mother is also my best friend." "Oh, good, there's the bail-out e-mail from my roommate..." and so on.]

Are you ALWAYS the one causing the breakup, or have you been dumped first by another? This pattern you describe does not sound like you are "unpredictable!"
 

YmirGF

Bodhisattva in Recovery
FYI for the discussion, I am 29.
I'd say just relax. One sweet young thing I knew years ago talked about how she was getting tired of hitting the snooze button on her biological clock. (She was about 29 or 30 too.) I thought it was a splendid description. She too was having a hard time finding Mr. Right and was rapidly moving away (emotionally) from her long time lover who she was beginning to feel was too "clingy". She felt he needed her for too much (that she thought he should be able to do for himself). You can imagine how bowled over I was when she told me she wanted to abort his child and had mixed feelings on it. Me, a childless, gay man..... o_O:eek: But, I gave her some good advice and she actually went ahead with the termination and I did my best to make her feel good about her choice. The guy was never told, as far as I know, and was phased out of the picture fairly soon after that.

So, I suppose, just relax. Maybe try looking for people who are a bit different from what you are normally attracted to and make a short list of long term qualities you are looking for. That might help.
 

Quetzal

A little to the left and slightly out of focus.
Premium Member
How well do you communicate with your partners? Especially about expectations and intentions and purpose of the relationship?
This has gotten a lot better over the last year or two. I am more comfortable being straight forward and honest with my intentions.

About what you are wanting and how you are going to be assessing whether or not you are getting what you are wanting? [Have you seen those commercials recently where people are being honest about what they're doing? Have no idea what the product is, but a couple are meeting on a first date..."In full disclosure, I've got plans later in case this doesn't work" "So do I. You'll be glad to know my mother is also my best friend." "Oh, good, there's the bail-out e-mail from my roommate..." and so on.]
That is a great commercial!

Are you ALWAYS the one causing the breakup, or have you been dumped first by another?
I usually end up doing the breaking up. Maybe I am just refusing to settle? How much is too much? Maybe I haven't met the right person? I guess my concern is that my batting average is not going very well and maybe I need to make a change in my stance...
 

Wirey

Fartist
If I may:

When bored with a girl, buy her a Princess Leia bikini. If she goes for that, wrap your wang in cellophane and get her to paint it. If that works, get a bucket of mustard and three squirrels. Be inventive.

Pretend she's rich. That'll tack two weeks onto any relationship.

Be patient. I used to use women like Kleenex, but once I found the right one it stuck so hard it hurt. She's out there.
 

Demonslayer

Well-Known Member
I like to play disc golf (stop laughing!)

Disc golf is awesome! There are two full courses I play on at Sugarbush mountain in Vermont. One is a basic course at the bottom of the mountain but the other one you take the chair lift up and play along the ridgeline. I guess it's one of the most difficult courses in the country...I lost like $30 worth of discs.

OK I know this is off topic but you struck a nerve, I love disc golf!
 

Quetzal

A little to the left and slightly out of focus.
Premium Member
When bored with a girl, buy her a Princess Leia bikini. If she goes for that, wrap your wang in cellophane and get her to paint it. If that works, get a bucket of mustard and three squirrels. Be inventive.
FINALLY! Some useful, practical advice!

Pretend she's rich. That'll tack two weeks onto any relationship.
Id rather pretend I am rich but...
 

beenherebeforeagain

Rogue Animist
Premium Member
FINALLY! Some useful, practical advice!


Id rather pretend I am rich but...
There's pretending (for an afternoon or night), play-acting for a little variety...
And then there's pretending, not being open and honest about what you want and what's bugging you. Pretending it's okay, that you're happy, etc. If the only way to keep going is to pretend, then there's a problem. It sounds like you at least recognize that in yourself, so that's good...

The question I'd ask myself (the question I did ask myself after the end of my first marriage), is "what is it I really want?" Not just in your relationships, but in life. Where do you want to be? What do you want to be doing? Does it matter to you really WHOM you are with, if anyone? (Remember, it is okay to be single). After the separation from my ex, it took me about two years of real effort in personal reflection to discover the answers to that question.

Once I had that answer, and began orienting my life accordingly, things went much more smoothly...
 

Demonslayer

Well-Known Member
FYI for the discussion, I am 29.

This is really the heart of it in my opinion. I was just like you in my 20's. I would meet a girl I really liked, start dating, would be totally into her, madly in love all of that. And then after a year or so, I'd get the wandering...eye. ***coughcoughwanderingpeniscough*** The pull to chase other women would start to make me nuts and I'd do just what you said...focus on some flaw in the woman I was with so I could blow up the relationship and move on.

The answer is, don't worry so much about it, things change as you get older. I was a serial monogamist for sure, and I finally met my wife when I was...29 actually. We didn't get married until I was 33, but by that time I had been in the skirt chasing game so long that it just didn't seem that important to me anymore.

Although, I still get the urge and I still on some level long for the days of that exciting new girl feeling. I don't think that ever fully goes away, at least not for a horny old cad like me. But over time the importance of that fades and the importance of having a constant companion grows. My guess is that will happen for you as you go.

Get your ya-yas out while you're young, it's the only chance you have! When you're ready to settle down, it will happen naturally.
 

Vinayaka

devotee
Premium Member
I've seen this before, in friends, in a brother of mine, etc. Personally, I think it has to do with the expectations in relationships. My brother once said, "All I want is somebody who always agrees with me." I rolled my eyes. Talk about an unrealistic expectation, not to mention a condescending one. At about 40 years of age, he grew out of it, and settled down with someone.
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
Hey folks,

I would like to welcome some feedback to a problem I have been having with relationships (with ladies, not snowmen. Despite what @Wirey might tell you...).

So, the basic pattern so far goes a bit like this:
  1. Q Meets Girl
  2. Q Likes Girl
  3. Q Dates Girl
  4. Q Gets Restless/Bored
  5. Q Finds Flaw in Girl
  6. Q Breaks Up With Girl
  7. /end
Is it too personal to ask how long the above process usually takes? One week? Two months?

I'm wondering if you give the woman enough time to open up and be herself so that conversation can become truly interesting. Generally, if you're bored with a person, it's because your duo brain chemistry isn't connecting or interesting. Some people take longer to show you what's really ticking upstairs; they don't want to reveal too much, too soon. I've only deeply loved one man in my life and it took him at least a month to bust open the flood gates and really start talking. I can be the same way. Just curious if you give the encounters enough time. .
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
Right around 5-6 month mark, normally.
Hmm. This is going to sound too simple and trite, but the obvious dilemma seems to be that you haven't met a suitable match yet. You'd certainly know if a woman was a good candidate after that much time has passed.

Relax, enjoy yourself and keep trying. Be a good listener, be entertaining and interesting, give compliments, smile and keep eye contact. Some wonderful woman will steal your heart and you'll want to give her the world. It will happen. :)
 

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
Hey folks,

I would like to welcome some feedback to a problem I have been having with relationships (with ladies, not snowmen. Despite what @Wirey might tell you...).

So, the basic pattern so far goes a bit like this:
  1. Q Meets Girl
  2. Q Likes Girl
  3. Q Dates Girl
  4. Q Gets Restless/Bored
  5. Q Finds Flaw in Girl
  6. Q Breaks Up With Girl
  7. /end
This sucks, I don't mean to do this. I mean it! I don't ever want to hurt anyone and I want something meaningful. After poking around on the interwebs a bit, I have affectionately called this process the "grass is greener" syndrome. In short, when I get to step 4, I begin to do apples to apples comparisons with whoever I am with to someone I am not with. Obviously, my mind builds up a fantasy/flawed perspective and the girl I am with is set up for failure.

I want to stop this! I don't know what to do or how to handle it. :( I feel like a big jerk and I want to quit it. I just... don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading, Q
All women are flawed.
(And all are crazy....their brains have hormone pumps fueling a random thought generator, & no censorship buffer.)
Decide which flaws you can tolerate, & which you can't.
Then you'll discover that a few women acceptable.
But if not, consider a fembot.
 
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