5 Reasons You Can’t Find the Right Spiritual Path

Quintessence · Jul 10, 2015

An excellent essay was published on Patheos recently by John Beckett regarding some of the common pitfalls people have in finding the religious/spiritual path that is right for them. It felt most appropriate to share it in this DIR, though anyone who has been a seeker at some point in their journey can feel free to comment on how these five reasons Beckett identifies did or did not apply to their search:

You don't know your core values.
You're so busy running away from something that you can't run towards anything.
You're looking for perfection.
You're looking for external confirmation.
You aren't sticking with something long enough to see if it works for you.

You can read Beckett's complete essay, which elaborates on these five points and offers some suggestions for how to overcome them here: 5 Reasons You Can’t Find the Right Spiritual Path

Dingbat · Jul 13, 2015

A very interesting and helpful read. Though a few of these things I have jettisoned or I am in the process of jettisoning. The looking for perfection was probably my biggest hurdle and still one that occasionally creeps up. Though at this point I will settle for anything that helps me feel spiritually connected at this point.

Quintessence · Jul 14, 2015

I might add another one to this list, just based on my personal experience.

6) You haven't yet realized that you are allowed to make your own path.

Another way to phrase that would be "you haven't learned that all religions of the world have precisely one adherent." In a way, this point is related to Beckett's third point about looking for perfection. I think a lot of people don't realize that religion is inherently personal. Even if you are placing yourself under some specific religious umbrella, your own expression of that is always going to be unique and personal. And, more importantly, that is okay and you are allowed to do that. We use the phrase "cherry picking" as if it's a dirty word, but if we are at all honest with ourselves, we all tailor the framework of any religion to suit our own lives and experiences. What we should work towards is doing this more mindfully, to lead us to destinations that we desire.

There's little doubt that the notion of "create your own path" was what set me on the right one for me. There was a long period of time where I wasn't even seeking anything because I had some very misguided notions about the nature of religion. I didn't think "do your own thing" was allowed or even part of the religious equation. Nobody told me "you get to decide what gods are to you." Once that door opened, amazing things happened.

wintersolstice · Jul 14, 2015

Excellent points!

Dingbat · Jul 15, 2015

Quintessence said:
I might add another one to this list, just based on my personal experience.

6) You haven't yet realized that you are allowed to make your own path.

Another way to phrase that would be "you haven't learned that all religions of the world have precisely one adherent." In a way, this point is related to Beckett's third point about looking for perfection. I think a lot of people don't realize that religion is inherently personal. Even if you are placing yourself under some specific religious umbrella, your own expression of that is always going to be unique and personal. And, more importantly, that is okay and you are allowed to do that. We use the phrase "cherry picking" as if it's a dirty word, but if we are at all honest with ourselves, we all tailor the framework of any religion to suit our own lives and experiences. What we should work towards is doing this more mindfully, to lead us to destinations that we desire.

There's little doubt that the notion of "create your own path" was what set me on the right one for me. There was a long period of time where I wasn't even seeking anything because I had some very misguided notions about the nature of religion. I didn't think "do your own thing" was allowed or even part of the religious equation. Nobody told me "you get to decide what gods are to you." Once that door opened, amazing things happened.

I think that is the part I have the hardest time with. I for some reason can't even grasp the concept of a DIY style of spirituality. I'm not sure why I can't grasp it. My wife and I leaving a faith like Mormonism which we were both raised in leaves a massive spiritual gap and hell at least for me I felt like the church had strangled my spirituality at a young age as I asked "inappropriate" questions. Church hopping has been a definite disaster especially with a child in tow as the average demographics for more progressive Christian sects is bordering on the ancients which is leaving my wife terribly discouraged. Honestly I wish I could figure out why I seek something already established maybe there is something I find comforting about corporate worship even though it gives me terrible anxiety. Maybe I just have a screw loose! Ha.

Quintessence · Jul 16, 2015

@Dingbat It has been said that humans crave structure and order in their lives, to at least some extent. I think that as we find a path that works for us, we can do so under the overall framework of some particular religious establishment. For example, of the aesthetics and mythos of the Bible appeals to you, consider using that as a jumping off point for developing a meaningful path.

It also seems that as a culture, we don't seem to understand that religion is hard. Finding the path that works for you is hard work and staying the course can also be hard work. That first thing on Beckett's list? Knowing your core values? That's hard. Doing that requires some deep and often tough introspective work to lay bare how you see yourself and your place in the world. In the daily grind, we don't have time for that kind of stuff!

Dingbat · Jul 16, 2015

Quintessence said:
@Dingbat It has been said that humans crave structure and order in their lives, to at least some extent. I think that as we find a path that works for us, we can do so under the overall framework of some particular religious establishment. For example, of the aesthetics and mythos of the Bible appeals to you, consider using that as a jumping off point for developing a meaningful path.

It also seems that as a culture, we don't seem to understand that religion is hard. Finding the path that works for you is hard work and staying the course can also be hard work. That first thing on Beckett's list? Knowing your core values? That's hard. Doing that requires some deep and often tough introspective work to lay bare how you see yourself and your place in the world. In the daily grind, we don't have time for that kind of stuff!

I think that is the amusing thing is that I crave structure in my spirituality but elsewhere in life I abhor too much structure. I have spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out my core values and while I have a good handle for the most part it still needs some work. Honestly at times I am very contradictory to the point that I get upset with myself for not being more coherent alas I am a mere human. You really have given me a lot to think on for sure. I think the problem is I have no clue what is meaningful anymore as I have jettisoned the Abrahamic, dabbled in Buddhism which I find interesting if not sanitized of the Divine. I'm curious about paganism especially the idea of soft polytheism and Jungian Paganism but I'm not even sure where to begin reading. Man I need to stop rambling. Thanks again for the article though it was really helpful.

Quintessence · Jul 16, 2015

Well, one of the books that really helped me wrestle through number six is a book on Paganism, and it'd probably be helpful for just about anyone seeking a path that works for them. I don't agree with everything the authors write about the Neopagan movement, but some of how they frame the "building your own path" approach was extraordinarily helpful for me. Great prompts for introspection to get at meaty issues, which apply regardless of whether or not one stays within the Neopagan umbrella. Public libraries sometimes have a copy.

Dingbat · Jul 16, 2015

Quintessence said:
Well, one of the books that really helped me wrestle through number six is a book on Paganism, and it'd probably be helpful for just about anyone seeking a path that works for them. I don't agree with everything the authors write about the Neopagan movement, but some of how they frame the "building your own path" approach was extraordinarily helpful for me. Great prompts for introspection to get at meaty issues, which apply regardless of whether or not one stays within the Neopagan umbrella. Public libraries sometimes have a copy.

Thanks, I will check it out.

HeatherAnn · Sep 20, 2015

Dingbat said:
I think that is the part I have the hardest time with. I for some reason can't even grasp the concept of a DIY style of spirituality. I'm not sure why I can't grasp it. My wife and I leaving a faith like Mormonism which we were both raised in leaves a massive spiritual gap and hell at least for me I felt like the church had strangled my spirituality at a young age as I asked "inappropriate" questions. Church hopping has been a definite disaster especially with a child in tow as the average demographics for more progressive Christian sects is bordering on the ancients which is leaving my wife terribly discouraged. Honestly I wish I could figure out why I seek something already established maybe there is something I find comforting about corporate worship even though it gives me terrible anxiety. Maybe I just have a screw loose! Ha.

Well, if you do, then so do I because I can relate.

Even if Mormonism involves dysfunctional cultish aspects, you can't beat the sense of community - especially when you have kids!

We visited a cultural ward today, which was somewhat refreshing but also sad to realize there's isn't place where I could unify in belonging and believing in every way anymore. Being raised Mormon, I was taught in articles of faith and other repetitive curriculum what "we believe." And testimonies were also too often based on group thought rather than expression of individual thoughts and feelings.

The good thing is that Mormonism kept me from getting too involved with drugs, gangs, etc. when I lived around so much hell. The challenge now is learning to take the best and leave the rest. Especially living in a predominantly LDS community, I feel like "I can't live with or without you." But maybe I have to learn to give others space to grow - and support my kids. Maybe we'll go 1/2 to LDS & 1/2 to another, but I doubt hubby will accept that without a fight.

What I would love is the LDS sense of community - where everyone serves and gets involved, with a mix of Taoist and Christ's essential teachings.

I think the perfectionist issue can be a real obstacle. My dad doesn't believe all of Mormonism but he has no problem going and is always serving or going to eat with his hometeacher. He's the type of person who doesn't get annoyed with details -and isn't intense - unlike me. Then again, I have a very strong sense of moral obligation to truth and ethics which rocks the boat when grilled by drill seargant bishop. I realized like never before, how manipulatively abusive Mormon leadership can be.

A a lot of mixed thoughts and feelings.

Deidre · Sep 20, 2015

Quintessence said:
An excellent essay was published on Patheos recently by John Beckett regarding some of the common pitfalls people have in finding the religious/spiritual path that is right for them. It felt most appropriate to share it in this DIR, though anyone who has been a seeker at some point in their journey can feel free to comment on how these five reasons Beckett identifies did or did not apply to their search:

You don't know your core values.

You're so busy running away from something that you can't run towards anything.

You're looking for perfection.

You're looking for external confirmation.

You aren't sticking with something long enough to see if it works for you.

You can read Beckett's complete essay, which elaborates on these five points and offers some suggestions for how to overcome them here: 5 Reasons You Can’t Find the Right Spiritual Path

I love that list.
Also, one to add might be...''you are not opening yourself up to trust the path itself.''

I have ebbed and flowed from Christianity to nothingness to atheism to Buddhism to Islam to atheism to ....now I think I'm heading back to where it all began, Christianity. I'm stunned. But something has hit me, and it's a beautiful feeling now. Maybe we need to open ourselves up entirely...100%...to let the right path take us. I don't think even as a Christian (before) ...I was ever ''all in.''

Great thread!!

Unveiled Artist · Sep 20, 2015

Beautiful post @Quintessence. I wanted to add to other seekers about choosing the right paths. From personal experience, and not meant for debate just my opinion, is to be careful of what paths you choose that have initiation practices. It is one thing to find a path and say "this is me" and five years down the line and say, "no its not." While it's a whole 'nother thing to go through rituals and initation processes later in life (no forced), said "I Do" and four years later say "I Don't". For me, it harmed my friendships, confused my family, and just put me in the center of having recently passed family members over telling me God is watching me and I look at them and say, "who?"

There are a lot of traditions, especially folk traditions, that you need to be initiated into to actually know the practice, stories, and practices behind it. I dont know where one would find a balance between following a belief that can't be followed without initiation and following one regardless of one; but, that's just my personal experience, be mindful in your chose in practice.

That's my last bit for the morning.

Nam.

MrMrdevincamus · Oct 17, 2015

Dingbat said:
I think that is the part I have the hardest time with. I for some reason can't even grasp the concept of a DIY style of spirituality. I'm not sure why I can't grasp it. My wife and I leaving a faith like Mormonism which we were both raised in leaves a massive spiritual gap and hell at least for me I felt like the church had strangled my spirituality at a young age as I asked "inappropriate" questions. Church hopping has been a definite disaster especially with a child in tow as the average demographics for more progressive Christian sects is bordering on the ancients which is leaving my wife terribly discouraged. Honestly I wish I could figure out why I seek something already established maybe there is something I find comforting about corporate worship even though it gives me terrible anxiety. Maybe I just have a screw loose! Ha.

At the tender age of 17, dissatisfied with atheism, looking for adventure, I decided to study each religion beginning with the major established religion and learn the basics of each. Then I picked one, the most believable, logical etc, and tried it! It took me fourteen years and still I found none that I could believe long term. Don't get me wrong I learned something good from all of them. I tried really hard to dedicate to Buddhism and stayed with it the longest save for the current one. To give lord Buddha his due I never did reach true 'enlightenment' and that was due to creeping doubts I suppose.
To speed this story up, I the apostate atheist , Buddhist, Hindu (Dharma), Wiccan, Red Letter Christian, etc was riding home after two days of clubbing, the Harley was running great the afterhour bars were still open and all was good, then on about 3am, july 4, a drunk driver nearly killed me. I had compound fractures and all sorts of busted organs. Sometime during the flight to the trauma hospital I had an NDE , the profoundness of that experience is beyond explaining. I was so lucky that God made me an offer I couldn't refuse, lol, he didn't have to break BOTH my legs to get my attention tho'. KEEP LOOKING and you will know you have found it or when it finds you, god bless and I hope you find what you are looking for ~

ps the drunk driver was me.
MrMr

Unveiled Artist · Oct 17, 2015

In my experience, one way I realized I was in the wrong religion for me is that once I went into it, I not only delve in the practice which I loved so much, my gut was saying something is wrong; something is wrong. So, I talked against the practice. It's like saying you love your wife or husband, kiss them, but talk about them behind their back. So wrong.

You know you're in a good relationship with your faith when everything starts to seem positive. Even the things you don't understand or may seem a little "off", instead of jumping back into what we may onsider our holes, we jump forward and learn about it more. We learn about it not to confirm our own beliefs (as said in OP), but in addition to learning new things that challenge our own beliefs. That's how we grow.

I also found this to be a struggle especially when you are not from the cultural background from which native practitioners are from. Assuming if you go into religions like Buddhism, Hinduism, to Catholicism, and, I don't know, becoming a Strega but not knowing the folk practices that make that word not just a word, but a name.

That's what religions are. When we pick a religion, it's like picking our names. The "labels" are very personal as a Catholic picks a confirmation Saint.

You start to realize your preferences are not compromised to your faith but shaped and strengthened by it. You also realize what you believe is now what you know..not because you can test it out like a science experiment, but because you can see it change your being in your everyday life.

You also realize that religion is an on-going process. I honestly dont believe one is one hundred percent comfortable in their faith. Rather, that is why we have faith and find it (no matter if we call it faith, religion, spirituality, or path), is because it challenges us with new ways of thinking. If we are not challenged, in my personal opinion, for me, that is the wrong faith.

If I'm too comfortable with something, I get bored. I lack good discipline; and, when I do have it, I go full force.

Nam.

MrMrdevincamus · Oct 18, 2015

Carlita said:
In my experience, one way I realized I was in the wrong religion for me is that once I went into it, I not only delve in the practice which I loved so much, my gut was saying something is wrong; something is wrong. So, I talked against the practice. It's like saying you love your wife or husband, kiss them, but talk about them behind their back. So wrong.

You know you're in a good relationship with your faith when everything starts to seem positive. Even the things you don't understand or may seem a little "off", instead of jumping back into what we may onsider our holes, we jump forward and learn about it more. We learn about it not to confirm our own beliefs (as said in OP), but in addition to learning new things that challenge our own beliefs. That's how we grow.

I also found this to be a struggle especially when you are not from the cultural background from which native practitioners are from. Assuming if you go into religions like Buddhism, Hinduism, to Catholicism, and, I don't know, becoming a Strega but not knowing the folk practices that make that word not just a word, but a name.

That's what religions are. When we pick a religion, it's like picking our names. The "labels" are very personal as a Catholic picks a confirmation Saint.

You start to realize your preferences are not compromised to your faith but shaped and strengthened by it. You also realize what you believe is now what you know..not because you can test it out like a science experiment, but because you can see it change your being in your everyday life.

You also realize that religion is an on-going process. I honestly dont believe one is one hundred percent comfortable in their faith. Rather, that is why we have faith and find it (no matter if we call it faith, religion, spirituality, or path), is because it challenges us with new ways of thinking. If we are not challenged, in my personal opinion, for me, that is the wrong faith.

If I'm too comfortable with something, I get bored. I lack good discipline; and, when I do have it, I go full force.

Nam.

As the saying goes ; ' I feel you'. I was going to mention a similar feeling I have when 'trying on' new religion etc. but my replies are so lengthy I decided to omit it. But like you I have an internal balance scale, it the scale dips to the negative side and I do things like arguing with myself or rationalizing why I am still practicing a certain religion when I have serious misgivings about it, its time to leave. Your analogy of a marriage was spot on. I love that old time mountain song with the lyrics that include the phrase I cast off the old coat and put on the new .... man it hits home every time I hear it!

Does anyone know the name and artist that created it?

MrMr

MrMrdevincamus · Oct 18, 2015

I found it in a google search just now! I have been looking for this song for months! I hope its not too far off topic to post it here, maybe it will help those that are searching~ I love that old twangy turn of the century mountain music!

Two Coats
Two coats were before me, an old and a new
I could have either, so what must I do
One coat was ugly and terribly torn
The other a new one, had never been worn

Chorus
I'll tell you the best thing I ever did do
I laid of the old coat and put on the new

The old coat was earthly and not fit to wear
I thought of it often and shed many a tear
Then there was a clean one presented to view
I laid off the old coat and put on the new

The first man was earthly and made on the ground
We all bore his image, the whole world around
The next was my Savior from Heaven so fair
He gave me this new coat you now see me wear

Now this coat, it fits me and keeps me so warm
It's good in the winter, it's good in the storm
My savior has dressed me in garments so rare
He fills me with glory, his image I'll bear

Lyrics from the ToneWay Project: http://toneway.com/songs/two-coats#ixzz3ou7Kk4eS

Man, that song hits me where I live like a linebackers punch in the stomach, but its not pain, is real good feel good stuff;

God bless all ~

MrMr

Saint Frankenstein · Oct 18, 2015

I keep getting lost because I tend to ignore my intuition and knowledge for the sake of emotional attachments. That's the simplest way I can put it.

Rick O'Shez · Oct 18, 2015

Quintessence said:
5.You aren't sticking with something long enough to see if it works for you.

6. Sticking with something which doesn't work for too long, and getting disillusioned.

MrMrdevincamus · Oct 18, 2015

Saint Frankenstein said:
I keep getting lost because I tend to ignore my intuition and knowledge for the sake of emotional attachments. That's the simplest way I can put it.

Emotions are powerful, we all have both don't we? Oftentimes emotions overrule our gut feelings. Sometimes that saved me other times it was the wrong choice! It seems when I was younger the needs of my body and my emotions more often than now ruled my decisions. Maybe there is a time to reap and to sow, a time for love and a time for war or? I now like love more than war, and that is a new development ! Good luck SF ~
MrMr

allfoak · Oct 18, 2015

This idea of creating our own path is appealing because we know intuitively that our path is an individual endeavor.
Our path is already laid out we just have to follow it.
There are laws that govern the choices we make.
We must live out the consequences of our choices, this is what governs each path.

5 Reasons You Can’t Find the Right Spiritual Path

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