Bad thoughts keep returning

no-body · Jul 12, 2014

I think the point is to focus on the now since such things as death and suffering will happen in the now and that is when we must deal with them.

Koldo · Jul 12, 2014

no-body said:
I think the point is to focus on the now since such things as death and suffering will happen in the now and that is when we must deal with them.

The point of what?

The Sum of Awe · Aug 16, 2014

update: My strategy worked for a while, but recently it hasn't been helping. These very disturbing events are intense. I do not simply think about my family crying to me hysterically, but the thought is so extreme I can feel it emotionally. It's been showing up more and more lately and is keeping me unfocused, up at night, unejoy of life. I just can't stop seeing their hurt from the loss of me in these thoughts, it's really hard. Me laying dead on my bed and someone really close comes to wake me up to find out I'm gone. That is pretty much the most common way it works out in my head.

I don't know what to do, I don't really want to see a doctor because I'm not exactly sure if it'd help end or fade these thoughts unless they put me on meds which I too do not want. I can't open up about it to my loved ones for obvious reasons.. I'm afraid to die before my loved ones because I can just see it hitting hard. But I'm afraid to outlive my loved ones because of the fact of never seeing them again before I can even say goodbye. And I have pretty much screwed myself over dropping out of school, getting plenty of fines, and other things that tend to put me as the opposite of what they wish I would be, but there is no motivation. Sure, there is intense guilt, but still not motivated.

Not saying I want everyone to hate me, but I do think this whole situation would be easier if there were no strong social bonds. Or better yet, if I never was given life to I would not have to die. I actually FEEL the overwhelming sadness, and I actually COMPREHEND the fact I will be under the ground that at one point I will have to experience death. I look around me and a deep thought I can't control makes me remember all of this stuff will only exist in memories up to the day I die, that typing on this thread is absolutely pointless, so is learning new things, writing books, physical shape... etc. it matters now but at the end I will just think back and remember. I will look at something nearby and imagine the reality that all of these things are inside the mind of what will be a carcass. And now that I'm alive I have no way out except death, and it wasn't my choice to be born. Not to sound emo... But I do have happy moments, but lately this thought has been buzzing in me so it ruins them.

Typing it out pretty much helped I guess, venting.

DreadFish · Aug 16, 2014

Just keep on truckin'. In my experience, if you keep on moving and persevering, you'll eventually make it through.

Who is it that is going to die eventually, anyway?

On the other side of practical advice: you may consider a therapist. It doesn't mean you have to take medication, but it gives you a neutral 3rd party to listen to what you have to say and help you work through your thoughts.

ametist · Aug 16, 2014

The Sum of Awe said:
update: My strategy worked for a while, but recently it hasn't been helping. These very disturbing events are intense. I do not simply think about my family crying to me hysterically, but the thought is so extreme I can feel it emotionally. It's been showing up more and more lately and is keeping me unfocused, up at night, unejoy of life. I just can't stop seeing their hurt from the loss of me in these thoughts, it's really hard. Me laying dead on my bed and someone really close comes to wake me up to find out I'm gone. That is pretty much the most common way it works out in my head.

I don't know what to do, I don't really want to see a doctor because I'm not exactly sure if it'd help end or fade these thoughts unless they put me on meds which I too do not want. I can't open up about it to my loved ones for obvious reasons.. I'm afraid to die before my loved ones because I can just see it hitting hard. But I'm afraid to outlive my loved ones because of the fact of never seeing them again before I can even say goodbye. And I have pretty much screwed myself over dropping out of school, getting plenty of fines, and other things that tend to put me as the opposite of what they wish I would be, but there is no motivation. Sure, there is intense guilt, but still not motivated.

Not saying I want everyone to hate me, but I do think this whole situation would be easier if there were no strong social bonds. Or better yet, if I never was given life to I would not have to die. I actually FEEL the overwhelming sadness, and I actually COMPREHEND the fact I will be under the ground that at one point I will have to experience death. I look around me and a deep thought I can't control makes me remember all of this stuff will only exist in memories up to the day I die, that typing on this thread is absolutely pointless, so is learning new things, writing books, physical shape... etc. it matters now but at the end I will just think back and remember. I will look at something nearby and imagine the reality that all of these things are inside the mind of what will be a carcass. And now that I'm alive I have no way out except death, and it wasn't my choice to be born. Not to sound emo... But I do have happy moments, but lately this thought has been buzzing in me so it ruins them.

Typing it out pretty much helped I guess, venting.

my intention is not to sound rude but if you cut on mind altering remedies, it might help. They might be the source keeping you emotionally vulnerable although you are a very wise and smart person capable of handling any hardship.
When i was kid i asked mom what will happen to us when we die. I was worried. She said whatever happened your grandpa will happen to us when we die. Then i was relieved and happy. When the time comes i would share the same experience with my grandpa that i loved so much.

LuisDantas · Aug 16, 2014

The Sum of Awe said:
I can't open up about it to my loved ones for obvious reasons..

Maybe you can't, but the reasons are not truly obvious, at least to me. They may or may not individually all lack the kind of personality that would make talking about it constructive. I have no way of knowing, but you might want to consider the possibility for a while and speak a little bit to see how they react.

I'm afraid to die before my loved ones because I can just see it hitting hard. But I'm afraid to outlive my loved ones because of the fact of never seeing them again before I can even say goodbye. And I have pretty much screwed myself over dropping out of school, getting plenty of fines, and other things that tend to put me as the opposite of what they wish I would be, but there is no motivation.

Sure, there is intense guilt, but still not motivated.

It is of the nature of guilt to destroy motivation. That is one of the reasons why false guilts are so abhorrent to me.

Do you happen to know or want to learn basic Buddhist meditation? It helped me to destroy most of those false guilts by understanding the heck out of them and questioning them out of existence. I even suspect that such a proccess is at the root of the creation of exorcism.

But I do have happy moments, but lately this thought has been buzzing in me so it ruins them.

Happiness is a skill. It can be learned if you expose yourself to favorable circunstances often enough.

DreadFish · Aug 16, 2014

I was just reading some of the other posts and Sunstone's post saying that, sometimes, meditation helps more than thinking about it, resonates with my experience as well.

I have a problem with obsessively thinking and concerning myself with things (especially existential) and it often doesn't get anything done; it ends up being a practice of going in circles. I definitely recommend meditation. At least in addition to obsessively thinking about things

Im curious if you have ever read Ramana Maharshi or Nisargadatta?

AgnosticBoy · Aug 16, 2014

The Sum of Awe said:
I keep getting thoughts about loved ones dying. None are dying, but sometimes my mind will wander and I start to think that death is inevitable, that some day I will see my close ones die and that's really hard to consider. I also consider that I too will eventually die, so what difference does it make WHEN I die? (NOTE: Not Suicidal!)

I want to just end it to avoid seeing loved ones dying, but I also don't feel comfortable knowing that in doing so my loved ones will be crying which I also don't want.

I feel like it's all a curse. I didn't choose to exist, and now that I exist I have to face the inevitable.

I can't stand the thought of seeing loved ones die. Especially since I am sort of a djck sometimes to them because I have an easy temper and an hour later I will feel really bad,

Then there are thoughts that everyone around me (besides for family loved ones of course) is just using me. I'm humble in real life because I'm afraid to come off as narcissistic, but on the inside I'm extremely egotistical and seek recognition, seek rewards for what I do, and for all of the good i've done reality is in depth with me but I'll never let it know that because I'm afraid of being viewed as selfish which deep down inside of me I am.

I've tried many methods and asked people plenty of times and took reasonable advice but my mind really likes to wander unless it is focused on something. When it wanders, no matter how hard I try not to, I can't stop it from walking into these ugly, depressing thoughts. Sad thing is, I also cannot keep myself focused for very long, because if I do I will quit after too long, being really impatient. So impatient but need to be focused. Selfish but humble. It's so contradicting.

Do you know what caused these thoughts? Around what time they started to occur and during any events in your life?

Bad thoughts keep returning

no-body

Well-Known Member

Koldo

Outstanding Member

The Sum of Awe

Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.

DreadFish

Cosmic Vagabond

ametist

Active Member

LuisDantas

Aura of atheification

DreadFish

Cosmic Vagabond

AgnosticBoy

Member