Bad thoughts keep returning

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

I keep getting thoughts about loved ones dying. None are dying, but sometimes my mind will wander and I start to think that death is inevitable, that some day I will see my close ones die and that's really hard to consider. I also consider that I too will eventually die, so what difference does it make WHEN I die? (NOTE: Not Suicidal!)

I want to just end it to avoid seeing loved ones dying, but I also don't feel comfortable knowing that in doing so my loved ones will be crying which I also don't want.

I feel like it's all a curse. I didn't choose to exist, and now that I exist I have to face the inevitable.

I can't stand the thought of seeing loved ones die. Especially since I am sort of a djck sometimes to them because I have an easy temper and an hour later I will feel really bad,

Then there are thoughts that everyone around me (besides for family loved ones of course) is just using me. I'm humble in real life because I'm afraid to come off as narcissistic, but on the inside I'm extremely egotistical and seek recognition, seek rewards for what I do, and for all of the good i've done reality is in depth with me but I'll never let it know that because I'm afraid of being viewed as selfish which deep down inside of me I am.

I've tried many methods and asked people plenty of times and took reasonable advice but my mind really likes to wander unless it is focused on something. When it wanders, no matter how hard I try not to, I can't stop it from walking into these ugly, depressing thoughts. Sad thing is, I also cannot keep myself focused for very long, because if I do I will quit after too long, being really impatient. So impatient but need to be focused. Selfish but humble. It's so contradicting.

LuisDantas · Jul 3, 2014

I assume you have no interest in training acceptance of mortality?

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

LuisDantas said:
I assume you have no interest in training acceptance of mortality?

It isn't exactly the fear of death for me, it's the fear of losing the future. Death makes a paradox out of love, at least for me, because a person may rather die than see a close, loved one die, but it is also the other way around and either way death only brings forth sadness. Choosing between keeping yourself alive and seeing death of people you care about, or not keeping yourself alive and make loved ones see your death. A very hard decision, because I can't imagine ever being ready to see them pass.

LuisDantas · Jul 3, 2014

That is still harship at dealing with mortality.

It is a skill. It can be trained under favorable conditions, if you feel that it is desirable to you.

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

Unsure what you mean by favorable conditions.

LuisDantas · Jul 3, 2014

The Sum of Awe said:
Unsure what you mean by favorable conditions.

Mainly, there must be a tranquil environment that allows you to let the fearful thought come and face it straight upfront often, yet in a non-threatening way.

Do it often enough and you will learn - better yet, know for a fact - that there is no need and no advantage in feeling down by mortality.

omnifarious · Jul 3, 2014

I don't see why people make such a big fuss about death. It blows my mind actually.

Death is a returning to the Void. A return to the Nothing. It is a return to that which we were before we materialized. The destruction of self to become one with everything. Our one true mother.

If anything, death is beautiful. Learn to embrace.

Sees · Jul 3, 2014

First thing is realizing you are normal, not feeling like you are strange. Our big brains are a blessing and a curse. A basic practice I've always done is just pull up a good, happy set of thoughts, visions, etc. and then return to the troubling ones later by choice instead of them popping in and being in control of my mood and state of mind. Natural fears, frustrations, jealousy, hurt pride, etc. will pop up and if you recognize them for what they are and take control, you'll be ok.

I think the main thing that is important for us as human beings is that our love and intelligence can win out if we are honest with ourselves, exercise patience best we can, take it easy on ourselves, accept inevitable screw ups and negative thoughts/attitude making our path bumpy or chaotic at times.

Koldo · Jul 3, 2014

The Sum of Awe said:
I want to just end it to avoid seeing loved ones dying, but I also don't feel comfortable knowing that in doing so my loved ones will be crying which I also don't want.

I feel like it's all a curse. I didn't choose to exist, and now that I exist I have to face the inevitable.

I feel as if you were taking words out of my mouth when you wrote this.

"Once a profound truth has been seen, it cannot be 'unseen'." - Dave Sim

I don't have a solution for your problem. As for me, my mind eventually got used to those ideas, so it stopped being so fixated on them. Eventually the novelty wore off. Those thoughts still come and go sometimes though.

Rainbow Mage · Jul 3, 2014

Can I ask you how you see consciousness and self Sum?

LuisDantas · Jul 3, 2014

omnifarious said:
I don't see why people make such a big fuss about death. It blows my mind actually.

Death is a returning to the Void. A return to the Nothing. It is a return to that which we were before we materialized. The destruction of self to become one with everything. Our one true mother.

If anything, death is beautiful. Learn to embrace.

My thoughts exactly.

illykitty · Jul 3, 2014

omnifarious said:
I don't see why people make such a big fuss about death. It blows my mind actually.

Death is a returning to the Void. A return to the Nothing. It is a return to that which we were before we materialized. The destruction of self to become one with everything. Our one true mother.

If anything, death is beautiful. Learn to embrace.

Can't speak for the OP but my husband is scared of what you just described. He is scared of non-existence, of nothingness and void. He avoids the subject like the plague. I can't say I understand why he feels that way, I'm only scared of suffering (one of the things that kept me from taking my life in the past, along with the sadness of loved ones).

Rainbow Mage · Jul 3, 2014

I think one has to be able to see the nature of what we call self as a combination of factors before death can lose its sting. As long as self as an independent entity separate from its aggregates is clung to, the thought of death will cause unrest. I venture to say we've all died several times over in our transition from moment to moment, day to day. This self we hold as separate from memory, experiences, sensations, etc doesn't truly exist.

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

LuisDantas said:
Mainly, there must be a tranquil environment that allows you to let the fearful thought come and face it straight upfront often, yet in a non-threatening way.

Do it often enough and you will learn - better yet, know for a fact - that there is no need and no advantage in feeling down by mortality.

I'm not sure if it's a thought I can confront, it isn't exactly mortality that brings me down, but the conflict between hoping mortality for myself and hoping to not confront the mortality of others, while at the same time hoping none who would care have to see the mortality of me. Like I said, it's about the loss of future. I am expecting death and I can't help but put it into perspective when I think of it. I feel a future of emptiness when I have thoughts about a loved one dying, but I feel a guilt when I have thoughts of me dying on them.

Is it actually possible to overcome the guilt of dying as well as the guilt of living on when both are felt at once?

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

omnifarious said:
I don't see why people make such a big fuss about death. It blows my mind actually.

Death is a returning to the Void. A return to the Nothing. It is a return to that which we were before we materialized. The destruction of self to become one with everything. Our one true mother.

If anything, death is beautiful. Learn to embrace.

I do find death is beautiful in the sense it's a release. But I can't see how that perspective would make one smile when a person dies.

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

Koldo said:
I feel as if you were taking words out of my mouth when you wrote this.

"Once a profound truth has been seen, it cannot be 'unseen'." - Dave Sim

I don't have a solution for your problem. As for me, my mind eventually got used to those ideas, so it stopped being so fixated on them. Eventually the novelty wore off. Those thoughts still come and go sometimes though.

I am glad that there's someone to relate. And I'm sure everyone has these sort of thoughts, but if they occur as frequently for everyone, I'm curious how people can move along with the repetitive blame.

When these thoughts do happen, though, I often remind myself that I only need to experience loss once, and every time I think about it is another time I experience it. Just an advice tip for others who run into it.

Sunstone · Jul 3, 2014

Sum, some religious people -- as well as others -- find that mediation helps them to cope with death. In my own experience, certain kinds of mediation help more than does thinking about it.

Kilgore Trout · Jul 3, 2014

The Sum of Awe said:
I keep getting thoughts about loved ones dying. None are dying, but sometimes my mind will wander and I start to think that death is inevitable, that some day I will see my close ones die and that's really hard to consider. I also consider that I too will eventually die, so what difference does it make WHEN I die? (NOTE: Not Suicidal!)

I want to just end it to avoid seeing loved ones dying, but I also don't feel comfortable knowing that in doing so my loved ones will be crying which I also don't want.

I feel like it's all a curse. I didn't choose to exist, and now that I exist I have to face the inevitable.

I can't stand the thought of seeing loved ones die. Especially since I am sort of a djck sometimes to them because I have an easy temper and an hour later I will feel really bad,

Then there are thoughts that everyone around me (besides for family loved ones of course) is just using me. I'm humble in real life because I'm afraid to come off as narcissistic, but on the inside I'm extremely egotistical and seek recognition, seek rewards for what I do, and for all of the good i've done reality is in depth with me but I'll never let it know that because I'm afraid of being viewed as selfish which deep down inside of me I am.

I've tried many methods and asked people plenty of times and took reasonable advice but my mind really likes to wander unless it is focused on something. When it wanders, no matter how hard I try not to, I can't stop it from walking into these ugly, depressing thoughts. Sad thing is, I also cannot keep myself focused for very long, because if I do I will quit after too long, being really impatient. So impatient but need to be focused. Selfish but humble. It's so contradicting.

Do like most other people do and convince yourself that you and your loved ones will live for eternity in a magical paradise. If you're not capable of such a feat of self-delusion, then understand that what you are going through is perfectly normal, and that as you get older, you will probably come to better terms with mortality.

In the meantime, use this as a reason to live while you are alive. Understand that your time is limited (even more limited than you think when you are young and the future seems so far away), and that if there are things you want to do and experience, you need to do them now, since you will not get a replay in some fantastical, eternal paradise.

I'd stress the importance of savoring and appreciating youth. However, I think we're all cursed to not appreciate it until we no longer have it, and we are also cursed to not understand how fleeting it is as well.

Koldo · Jul 3, 2014

Kilgore Trout said:
I'd stress the importance of savoring and appreciating youth. However, I think we're all cursed to not appreciate it until we no longer have it, and we are also cursed to not understand how fleeting it is as well.

It is interesting how we cling to the future, thinking we will appreciate life more once we reach a certain point, only to find ourselves missing what we had in the past once we reach it.

The Sum of Awe · Jul 3, 2014

Sunstone said:
Sum, some religious people -- as well as others -- find that mediation helps them to cope with death. In my own experience, certain kinds of mediation help more than does thinking about it.

I don't have much experience with meditation. Still trying to figure out how I'd do it being very impatient, and still trying to figure out how to do it because from what I've heard it sounds similar to how I space off in class or how I fall asleep.

I always wanted to, though, just to feel the euphoria many get from it.

Bad thoughts keep returning

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