So, I'm "disgusting".

At my workplace, I know there is a lot of bigotry. I've heard "Aren't the Mormons and JWs a cult?" and "I just don't like it when black people look at me", but today it hit home.

One of the guys I work with was standing on one leg (It was 1 PM and he had been standing since 8 AM) when a costumer came up. She made a little joke about whether he was just tired or felt like acting "fabulous", performing a silly hand gesture. This led to a rather short but hearty discussion about how he, the customer, and the other two working the area were disappointed that gay people were gaining marriage rights, and ended the discussion with a solid "Well, it think it's totally disgusting!"

Now, for the majority of the chat I had no idea what the topic was, as they were speaking in hushed tones and were across the way from me, so I asked and sure enough, "gay people" was whispered back to me in a harsh tone. I wanted to defend myself and my boyfriend, but I'm not even out to my own father.

So yeah, I'm "disgusting" and they don't even know they've wronged me.

Clearly the only thing disgusting is the pathetic homophobia. I am sorry that you were subjected to it.

I think you should speak to them i don't know your situation so it hard to give advise but if it truly bothered you then speak you only live once. I would also like to point out that they have the right to hold these views whether you like them or not it is not the place IMO to be talking about this at work to a customer. use to say this one line to my friend everytime he felt someone got him mad or upset or felt like they wronged him in someway "no one makes you mad but you and no one makes you sad but you."

Perhaps you could just chime in that you don't get disgusted by other people's sex lives because you don't spend your time picturing those people having sex.

edit: I was once asked how I deal with the issue of explaining to my children about my sister being gay -- and her partner who have been "married" in the eyes of our family for about 25 years now. It became pretty clear to me in the response that what the person really meant was how do I explain HOW they have sex. That was very strange to me because the obvious answer for me is that I think it is a violation of a person's privacy to picture them and their partner having sex.

What I think other people don't realize when they converse about such things as gay sex being disgusting is that they are revealing thinking in detail about it.

4consideration said:

Perhaps you could just chime in that you don't get disgusted by other people's sex lives because you don't spend your time picturing those people having sex.

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Seeing as they're all roughly in their 60s and they ended the discussion just as a rush of people came in, I didn't feel it was a good idea to confront them.

However, this morning I sent a message to my manager and supervisor detailing the event to them. So far the response has been positive.

Why do you give these people that much power over you? Does it really matter what others think?
When you are secure with who you are you tend to smile at the ignorance and bias of others.

BSM1 said:

Why do you give these people that much power over you? Does it really matter what others think?
When you are secure with who you are you tend to smile at the ignorance and bias of others.

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Bias is power. Tenure is power. In Pennsylvania, employers have every right to discriminate based on sexual orientation and even without that, attaching negative labels to myself can trigger biases to create a more negative view of my work ethic and efficiency, leading to me losing my job.

In short, I give people power over me because those people can royally screw me if they so choose.

Gjallarhorn said:

Seeing as they're all roughly in their 60s and they ended the discussion just as a rush of people came in, I didn't feel it was a good idea to confront them.

However, this morning I sent a message to my manager and supervisor detailing the event to them. So far the response has been positive.

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I think it's good if it was something that needed your supervisor's attention, that you take the appropriate route.

In general, when it comes to people bashing other groups of people, I think that sometimes you really do just have to pick your battles. Sometimes...timing is everything.

Sometimes I think people just don't really think about what they are saying, or even realize why they even think that way.

4consideration said:

Sometimes I think people just don't really think about what they are saying, or even realize why they even think that way.

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And other times, people don't think about what they are saying because it isn't what they actually think... they say it because it's what is considered the "correct" response in the dynamics of the group they are currently interacting with. Or, people who have agreeable personality types in general may often forgo voicing their actual opinion to keep the peace and avoid creating needless conflict and drama.

Long and short, people say things they don't mean all the ruddy time. On top of that, they don't do it very often. In other words, thoughts and beliefs don't necessarily translate into tangible behavior with actual impacts of importance. To make it more complicated, the manner in which identical beliefs translate to actions will differ from person to person and situation to situation.

Personally? If someone finds a lifemate commitment grounded in love "disgusting" they have some serious issues. I have a hard time even taking comments like that seriously.

Quintessence said:

And other times, people don't think about what they are saying because it isn't what they actually think... they say it because it's what is considered the "correct" response in the dynamics of the group they are currently interacting with. Or, people who have agreeable personality types in general may often forgo voicing their actual opinion to keep the peace and avoid creating needless conflict and drama.

Long and short, people say things they don't mean all the ruddy time. On top of that, they don't do it very often. In other words, thoughts and beliefs don't necessarily translate into tangible behavior with actual impacts of importance. To make it more complicated, the manner in which identical beliefs translate to actions will differ from person to person and situation to situation.

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I agree.

Quintessence said:

Personally? If someone finds a lifemate commitment grounded in love "disgusting" they have some serious issues. I have a hard time even taking comments like that seriously.

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edit: For the most part, I agree here, too.

But, if the people talking know that the person they are talking around is part of a group they are labeling as disgusting, it can come across as a personal insult, delivered in a concealed way. I'm not sure whether or not that is the case here, but either way, I can see why the OP would feel personally insulted -- because they are talking about him by virtue of his being part of the group they are discussing.

Sorry you've been subjected to it. Although with 'colleagues' who trash every group it seems like you might as well expect it.
I consider myself pretty lucky in this regard, our workforce is very diverse, and actually diversity is mandated since it is a government body in many regards. We are a collection of Jews, Arabs, Muslims, Christians, gay men, lesbian women, people who immigrated from Russia, and the occasional European archaeologist who decided to root themselves out of Germany, the Netherlands, or the US and join us. And we all know about each others background. Humorous shots do float around, but never in a nasty way, more in the spirit of Mediterranean 'ice-breaking'.In addition, all 'groups' are represented in higher positions, so I can't imagine that lynch mobbing can be done in the first place. My boss is a Muslim and my last head of excavation was a lesbian.

I'd like to hear how things changed after you raised the issue with someone above.

I'm going to try to start remembering a story from Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa for the times people get stupid:

Niranjan [a big strapping disciple of Sri Ramakrishna] was of violent temper, though he had a very tender heart. When provoked, he would lose all sense of proportion. One day he was going to Dakshilleswar in a country-boat. Some fellow passengers began to speak ill of Sri Ramakrishna in the hearing of Niranjan. Niranjan at first protested. But finding that it was of no avail, he began to rock the boat, threatening to drown the passengers for their misconduct. The robust appearance and the furious mood of Niranjan struck terror into the hearts of the calumniators, who immediately apologised for their improper behaviour. When Sri Ramakrishna heard of this incident, he severely took Niranjan to task for his violent temper. "Anger is a deadly sin, why should you be subject, to it? Foolish people in their pitiable ignorance say many things. One should completely ignore them as beneath notice", said Sri Ramakrishna.

People nowadays don't seem to care about other people's feelings. If it were my store and someone who worked there spoke like that in front of customers, they would be fired.

Gjallarhorn said:

At my workplace, I know there is a lot of bigotry. I've heard "Aren't the Mormons and JWs a cult?" and "I just don't like it when black people look at me", but today it hit home.

One of the guys I work with was standing on one leg (It was 1 PM and he had been standing since 8 AM) when a costumer came up. She made a little joke about whether he was just tired or felt like acting "fabulous", performing a silly hand gesture. This led to a rather short but hearty discussion about how he, the customer, and the other two working the area were disappointed that gay people were gaining marriage rights, and ended the discussion with a solid "Well, it think it's totally disgusting!"

Now, for the majority of the chat I had no idea what the topic was, as they were speaking in hushed tones and were across the way from me, so I asked and sure enough, "gay people" was whispered back to me in a harsh tone. I wanted to defend myself and my boyfriend, but I'm not even out to my own father.

So yeah, I'm "disgusting" and they don't even know they've wronged me.

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Maybe you could say, "hey it's disgusting that the deadbeat child support abusers are running the streets and ALL taxpaying hard working people gotta pay for their children."

Gjallarhorn said:

At my workplace, I know there is a lot of bigotry. I've heard "Aren't the Mormons and JWs a cult?" and "I just don't like it when black people look at me", but today it hit home.

One of the guys I work with was standing on one leg (It was 1 PM and he had been standing since 8 AM) when a costumer came up. She made a little joke about whether he was just tired or felt like acting "fabulous", performing a silly hand gesture. This led to a rather short but hearty discussion about how he, the customer, and the other two working the area were disappointed that gay people were gaining marriage rights, and ended the discussion with a solid "Well, it think it's totally disgusting!"

Now, for the majority of the chat I had no idea what the topic was, as they were speaking in hushed tones and were across the way from me, so I asked and sure enough, "gay people" was whispered back to me in a harsh tone. I wanted to defend myself and my boyfriend, but I'm not even out to my own father.

So yeah, I'm "disgusting" and they don't even know they've wronged me.

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Sorry to hear that. Hopefully since you contacted the manager and supervisor and they responded positively, it will be sorted out in a good way.

I wonder if any of those people actually closely know any gay people (that are "out"), or whether they're just hating some caricature in their heads out of ignorance.

Gjallarhorn said:

At my workplace, I know there is a lot of bigotry. I've heard "Aren't the Mormons and JWs a cult?" and "I just don't like it when black people look at me", but today it hit home.

One of the guys I work with was standing on one leg (It was 1 PM and he had been standing since 8 AM) when a costumer came up. She made a little joke about whether he was just tired or felt like acting "fabulous", performing a silly hand gesture. This led to a rather short but hearty discussion about how he, the customer, and the other two working the area were disappointed that gay people were gaining marriage rights, and ended the discussion with a solid "Well, it think it's totally disgusting!"

Now, for the majority of the chat I had no idea what the topic was, as they were speaking in hushed tones and were across the way from me, so I asked and sure enough, "gay people" was whispered back to me in a harsh tone. I wanted to defend myself and my boyfriend, but I'm not even out to my own father.

So yeah, I'm "disgusting" and they don't even know they've wronged me.

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I hear ya. :hug:

Just a few years ago, my corporate job I had gave me ample opportunities to be around some of the local mid-upper tier business owners (owners of franchises that stretch outside of the midwest). I heard a few lively conversations that included how one man said he'd "evolved" to the point where he didn't wish to actually kill homosexuals, bisexuals, or transgendered anymore. He said he "only" wanted to beat them up a little bit so that they knew to stay away from their kids.

I had a moment where I felt really threatened, but then realized that 1) they had no idea what my orientation was, 2) there are likely no queers that any of the most vocal in the group knew close and personal, and 3) sexual repression tends to manifest itself in some pretty hostile expressions.

Not the first time either. And certainly not the last time I hear crap like you have (actually family reunions can be chock full of homophobic statements considering same sex marriage is being legalized in a growing number of states).

Sorry, G, that you had to go through that. Glad you took some action and stood up for yourself and GLBTQs. Again....hug....:hug:

Hi. I'm sad to read about your upsetting experience. You wrote that you are not yet 'out' to your Dad, etc, so I'm going to suggest 'bite the bullet' and just try to get it off your chest by telling us, here. Your time will come. You pick the time, the place, the words, the actions........ your prerogative, not theirs. Try to feel sorry for such narrow-minded sad people.

The most (apparently) homophobic man I ever knew was in fact a homosexual, terrified of discovery and he was over-acting in a poor quality cover up. Sad.

A mate of mine is gay, and sometimes people say bad things to him. He has two answers. If the critic is male, my friend replies that he thinks the bloke is gorgeous and that he could make love to him all night long. If the critic is female he tells her that he could steal her man, anyday! Sheer personality drives him through the depressions.

All the very best to you!

My sympathies, G. No one deserves such a treatment. Hopefully the day when it becomes the rare oddity will come sooner rather than later.

Gjallarhorn said:

At my workplace, I know there is a lot of bigotry. I've heard "Aren't the Mormons and JWs a cult?" and "I just don't like it when black people look at me", but today it hit home.

One of the guys I work with was standing on one leg (It was 1 PM and he had been standing since 8 AM) when a costumer came up. She made a little joke about whether he was just tired or felt like acting "fabulous", performing a silly hand gesture. This led to a rather short but hearty discussion about how he, the customer, and the other two working the area were disappointed that gay people were gaining marriage rights, and ended the discussion with a solid "Well, it think it's totally disgusting!"

Now, for the majority of the chat I had no idea what the topic was, as they were speaking in hushed tones and were across the way from me, so I asked and sure enough, "gay people" was whispered back to me in a harsh tone. I wanted to defend myself and my boyfriend, but I'm not even out to my own father.

So yeah, I'm "disgusting" and they don't even know they've wronged me.

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i don't know about that "disgusting" reference, but I do know that "fabulous" comment was pretty funny.

People talking callously about other person's rights being withheld is pretty disgusting.