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Jokes

Buttercup

Veteran Member
I see this section is for jokes but don't see any...maybe I missed it somehow. Oh well, I'll start one again with a GW joke.

[font=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif] George W. Bush meets with the Queen of
England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you
run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing
is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy.
You just ask them to answer an intelligence
riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Ma'am?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not
your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with
vice president Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every
one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he
ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with
Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the
answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and
angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's
Tony Blair!"
[/font]
 

The Black Whirlwind

Well-Known Member
Thats a good one! Hmm, whats a non-profanity laden joke i know... Hmm, whatever. heres some blond jokes:

how do you drown a blond?
put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

A man is getting tried for murder, and he goes up to a blond juror, and says, "Miss, i know i'm probabaly going to get first-degree, so if you push for manslaughter and get it, i'll pay you 10,000 dollars,"
"ok," she says
the next day, the man is in court, and the verdict is announced as manslaughter. Overhwhelmed with joy, he goes to prison, and later speaks to the woman
"oh, thank you very much, you saved my life"
"it was pretty hard actually. The rest of the jury wanted to acquit you"

this joke might offend the easily offended

why are black people so tall?
their knee-grows

more to come...
 

Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and
angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's
Tony Blair!"
:biglaugh: That's funny. Netdoc might like that one if he hasn't seen it already.

why are black people so tall?
their knee-grows
That was bad.;)
 

Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
___________
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"
________________
Late one night a blonde is showing some friends around her brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks her.

"It's not a gong," the blonde. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The blonde picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you a**hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

 

Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
___________
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s*** on your knee."
____________
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"
________________
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
_________
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her

ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
______
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


Thats all I got for now. All my other ones have already been posted, or are too dirty to post. I never realized I had so many sex jokes until I looked for ones to post.
 

michel

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
They are all good, but I would like to say that Buttercup's joke is the one I like the best. I like a good, clean, funny joke.


A couple of silly ones........

Why didn't Cleopatra need a psychologist ?

Because she was the Queen of Denial.

Sitting with her cat, an old woman was polishing a dusty old lamp she had found in the attic, while tidying up. As she was rubbing the lamp, a Genie popped out, and offred her three wishes.

Thinking quickly, she said " I'd like to be rich, and young, and I would love my cat to be turned into a young handsome prince".
There was a puff of smoke, and the lady found she was now young again, surrounded by riches. The cat had gone, and there stood a young, handsome prince, holding out his arms.

She melted into his embrace.................

"Now,"The prince whispered, "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered ?"
 

jeffrey

†ßig Dog†
Michel, :biglaugh: That's one I got to remember!
How do you find a unique woman? unique up on her.​
Women hate this. one..... Why do women fake orgasms?..............BECAUSE THEY THINK WE CARE! HeHe... just a joke. Don't throw things. :D
 

jeffrey

†ßig Dog†
Mike182 said:
funny, when i read this, jeff's avatar came straight into my head :biglaugh:
Notice she was thinking about that genie and not me! :biglaugh: I feel slighted! UGH!
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
[font=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif] Two babies were laying on a bed.
one baby asked the other
"What are you?"
the first baby said " I am a baby Girl! What are you?"
The second baby said "I am a baby boy"
first baby: " are not!"
Second baby : " are too"
first baby " You are NOT. Prove it"
So the second baby lifts up the blankets and says "see........


Blue booties!!!!!!!!!"
[/font]
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
[font=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif] Some fun things to do at WallMart...

1. go to a fitting room, wait a few minutes and then yell, "Hey! There is no toilet paper in here!"

2. Randomly pick up condoms, preparation H and the like and toss it in other people's shopping carts.

3. Go to sporting good section and ask to see a hunting gun. After thanking them for assistance, ask where the anti-depressents are.

4. Move all the wet floor signs to carpeted areas.

5. Get out some camping gear and go through the motions of buildig a camp fire.

Anyone have more to add????
[/font]
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
[font=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif]Who knows if these are really true quotes from kids....but, they are funny either way. My favorite is the very last one.

Subject: Out of the mouth of babes

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) h ugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked qu ite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
[/font] [font=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif] IP: Logged | [/font]
 

Circle_One

Well-Known Member
So one morning this wife went to her husband and said "Honey, the front porch needs fixing.."
To which the husband replied "What do I look like? A carpenter?" So the wife called a professional.

The next day she went to him again, "Honey, there's something wrong with the sink!"
To which he replied, "What do I look like? A plummer?" The wife groaned and called a professional.

The following day, she again, went to him, "Honey, the fridge is making an odd noise..."
To which he replied, "What do I look like? A refridgerator repairman?" Sighing, she called a professional.

The next day, she went to him and said "Honey, the repairman stopped by today while you were at work. He said for all the work he'd done for us, I could either bake him a cake, or have sex with him, as payment."

So, naturally, the husband asked, "Oh yeah? What kind of cake did you bake him?"

"What do I look like? F*n Betty Crocker?"
 

Buttercup

Veteran Member
Words with two Meanings
>
>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
>Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
>Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
>Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
>Male.... Playing football without a cup.
>
>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
>
>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
>Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
>Male...... Trying not to flirt with other women while out with this
one.
>
>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
>Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
>Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
>Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
>Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male
bonding.
>
>7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
>Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.
>
 

Engyo

Prince of Dorkness!
A minister was trying to get his congregation to understand the difference between Heaven and Hell.

"Heaven" he said, "is a place where
the mechanics are German,
the policemen are British,
the French do the cooking,
Swiss run the trains
and all the lovers are Italian."

"On the other hand" he continued,

"Hell is a place where
the police are German,
British do the cooking,
the mechanics are all French,
Italians run the trains,
and the Swiss are the lovers!"
 

Engyo

Prince of Dorkness!
Little David was in his fifth grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sexual relations with him for money."

The teacher, shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and then took Little David aside.

"Is that really true about your father?" she asked.

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
 

GoldenDragon

Active Member
A doctor calls his patient and tells the guy "Your results have come in and I have bad news and worst news"
The guy replies "Oh great just what I need, give me the bad news first.
The doctor says "You have only 24 hours to live."
The guy replies "You said there was bad news and worst news what could be worst than that?!"
The doctor replies "I forgot to call you yesterday.."
 
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