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At my wits end

Atrocity

New Member
I have come here to this forum because I needed to vent. I am sorry if this is not the place to go to. I consider myself a christian though I cannot stand church itself. I feel like people corrupt and twist the word of god to make it mean what they want. Every church in my opinion is a form of someones opinion so I choose to have faith in my heart. I never share my life with anyone and for good reason. Today is different though and I feel I need community since my life path has led me to be almost completely alone. Now I have to go to a forum to feel a connection with humanity.

I wish to vent about my life and hope for feedback good or bad.

In my life I have sinned greatly. These sins are what I can remember… First off I’m gay and honestly I cannot say if I was born this way or not. I was molested by a kid just a couple of years older than me when I was 4 years old. I have memory of before I was born of heaven and saying good bye to people then being led to a hole that I jumped in and then the memory goes into the memory of my birth which includes being handed to my mother my the doctor. So by 4 years old I already had many memories. I can recall so much and experienced many things so I know by then I knew right from wrong. The thing about being molested is I knew it was bad to do those things. The kid said he would kill my parents in their sleep if I didn’t do what he said. So of course I did it but I have to wonder if I would have done it with out the threat. Even after the first time he continued to make me suck him and we had anal sex and I liked it. It was a bit of a game and it was exciting. This is me as a 4 year old and it went on for a long time after that. That kid had a lot of bad influence in my life but in the end it is ultimately my choice. I could have said no and endured being beat up but I am a coward.
Some of my other sins include but not limited to… lying to my parents, lying to my teachers lying to many people really thousands of times, stealing candy as a child, stealing money from an old lady as a teen, stealing drugs from my father the drug dealer, stealing stupid crap like pens or paper from work, stealing food when I used to cut meat for a living, I also killed a kitten once. I threw it over a fence and dogs ripped it apart. I sinned by scoring my friends drugs, over charging said friends in order to make a profit, selling a dangerous drug to one friend who actually died from it but was revived by doctors, being cruel to pet dogs on many occasions just for a laugh, blasphemy and resentment toward god for my life, hate toward my parents for not feeling love, having sex with my step brother and his friend when we were growing up. Ages 10-14ish at the time, we were all under age but I probably screwed up their heads with my perverseness. I had sex with my cousin many times when her family stayed with us for the summer because they were going through rough times. It wasn’t rape or anything like that. She wanted it to and asked me to “stick my weenie in her butt” which I did and more. I was a dirty kid growing up and that hasn’t gone away as an adult. I have never felt purity and walk with a dirty mind almost constantly. I think about letting guys have their way with me and me doing things to them. I post naked pictures of myself on the internet to see what dirty things other gay people will say to me and it turns me on. Even now as an adult my thoughts if I masturbate go to times when I was young having sex with my stepbrother and his friend. It’s practically pedophilia since I prefer the hairless sex of my youth to the adult stinky bodies I have experienced. I do not seek out sex with younger people but still it’s a thought I have. Anyone 15 or older is fair game in my opinion if they are willing. I have also invited demons into my heart and body to take over though this never happened that I am aware of I still assume this is a great sin. I mistreat people constantly and as I age I find that I am losing control of my emotions. I hate people for the most part, I live with my boyfriend who I treat like crap and the poor guy sticks with me no matter what. I am truly grateful for him but the way I treat him is a sin for sure.
I have sinned much more than this as I probably sin on a daily basis but those that I have listed are probably the worst. The entire time of my life I have searched for god and battled sin but I lose and I am very weak! I have been more of a plague on the planet more than anything. When I pray to god the prayers go unanswered. Once in a while I feel that they are answered but for the most part, over 90% of the time they don’t. I feel that god doesn’t love me and of course I understand why. I feel that I do not deserve redemption. I feel like I‘m going to hell. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I beg god to save me, to cleanse my heart and soul it never happens.
I can’t hold a job, I am a burden on everyone I know either financially or mentally and for some it’s both. I no longer talk to my parents and barely talk to my blood siblings. I do not understand how someone like me can be alive. When I was 8 years old I held a knife to my stomach in the middle of the night because I couldn’t stand life anymore. If I had killed myself back then then I would have spared my stepbrother and his friend, my cousin from the lust that surely thrives in their hearts today. I could have spared all those people the burden of my presence but as I said earlier I am a shameful coward.
I guess this all boils down to where do I go from here? What should I do with my life? If Jesus can’t save me and god doesn’t love me and with no family and only one person in the world who loves me what am I to do? My boyfriend has doubt about me and of course he should. I am a walking atrocity who is hopeless. My heart only feels pain the days I can feel it. The rest of the time I walk around angry, jaded or oddly enough full of compassion for those who live. I feel I am too broken to continue. Does it sound like I need to be dead to you? It does to me and it scares me. When I take my final breathe I will be damned to eternal hell fire. I will suffer night and day for ever and ever. I beg god to save me and I beg Jesus to save me. I forgive everyone and hope I can be forgiven too but really I walk around as an empty shell. I lie to myself to make it day by day.
Today I prayed with all my heart for Jesus to save me and to show me a way to support myself and my boyfriend financially because of course I am dirt poor. As if my horrid first half of my life wasn’t enough I have to struggle financially as well. I am unhealthy and tired all the time. I’m unhappy all of the time. I do not deserve grace so I think my time on earth is pretty much at an end. I want to stick around until 12/21/12 just to see what happens with the mayan prophecy but after that who knows what I may do. I feel as though I am the worst person walking the Earth. Sure I didn’t murder but murder isn’t the only sin in life.
 

Bob Dixon

>implying
You should talk to a mental health professional.
This has little to do with Christianity. God and Jesus are things you can focus on, but you should get help first.

All the best and good luck.
 

Atrocity

New Member
You should talk to a mental health professional.
This has little to do with Christianity. God and Jesus are things you can focus on, but you should get help first.

All the best and good luck.


So I come here for community and you send me away? Do you feel you do gods work by denying me? What I wrote has everything to do with god and Jesus. They are my focus in my life. I am a sinner and ask for forgiveness. I guess what I failed to mention is that I am not an idiot. I know more about humanity then any shrink can tell me. I understand myself well I just need to know if I a worthy of life or not. God is the one I do not understand so I have come to the community for answers.
 

Rocky S

Christian Goth
I have come here to this forum because I needed to vent. I am sorry if this is not the place to go to. I consider myself a christian though I cannot stand church itself. I feel like people corrupt and twist the word of god to make it mean what they want. Every church in my opinion is a form of someones opinion so I choose to have faith in my heart. I never share my life with anyone and for good reason. Today is different though and I feel I need community since my life path has led me to be almost completely alone. Now I have to go to a forum to feel a connection with humanity.

I wish to vent about my life and hope for feedback good or bad.

In my life I have sinned greatly. These sins are what I can remember… First off I’m gay and honestly I cannot say if I was born this way or not. I was molested by a kid just a couple of years older than me when I was 4 years old. I have memory of before I was born of heaven and saying good bye to people then being led to a hole that I jumped in and then the memory goes into the memory of my birth which includes being handed to my mother my the doctor. So by 4 years old I already had many memories. I can recall so much and experienced many things so I know by then I knew right from wrong. The thing about being molested is I knew it was bad to do those things. The kid said he would kill my parents in their sleep if I didn’t do what he said. So of course I did it but I have to wonder if I would have done it with out the threat. Even after the first time he continued to make me suck him and we had anal sex and I liked it. It was a bit of a game and it was exciting. This is me as a 4 year old and it went on for a long time after that. That kid had a lot of bad influence in my life but in the end it is ultimately my choice. I could have said no and endured being beat up but I am a coward.
Some of my other sins include but not limited to… lying to my parents, lying to my teachers lying to many people really thousands of times, stealing candy as a child, stealing money from an old lady as a teen, stealing drugs from my father the drug dealer, stealing stupid crap like pens or paper from work, stealing food when I used to cut meat for a living, I also killed a kitten once. I threw it over a fence and dogs ripped it apart. I sinned by scoring my friends drugs, over charging said friends in order to make a profit, selling a dangerous drug to one friend who actually died from it but was revived by doctors, being cruel to pet dogs on many occasions just for a laugh, blasphemy and resentment toward god for my life, hate toward my parents for not feeling love, having sex with my step brother and his friend when we were growing up. Ages 10-14ish at the time, we were all under age but I probably screwed up their heads with my perverseness. I had sex with my cousin many times when her family stayed with us for the summer because they were going through rough times. It wasn’t rape or anything like that. She wanted it to and asked me to “stick my weenie in her butt” which I did and more. I was a dirty kid growing up and that hasn’t gone away as an adult. I have never felt purity and walk with a dirty mind almost constantly. I think about letting guys have their way with me and me doing things to them. I post naked pictures of myself on the internet to see what dirty things other gay people will say to me and it turns me on. Even now as an adult my thoughts if I masturbate go to times when I was young having sex with my stepbrother and his friend. It’s practically pedophilia since I prefer the hairless sex of my youth to the adult stinky bodies I have experienced. I do not seek out sex with younger people but still it’s a thought I have. Anyone 15 or older is fair game in my opinion if they are willing. I have also invited demons into my heart and body to take over though this never happened that I am aware of I still assume this is a great sin. I mistreat people constantly and as I age I find that I am losing control of my emotions. I hate people for the most part, I live with my boyfriend who I treat like crap and the poor guy sticks with me no matter what. I am truly grateful for him but the way I treat him is a sin for sure.
I have sinned much more than this as I probably sin on a daily basis but those that I have listed are probably the worst. The entire time of my life I have searched for god and battled sin but I lose and I am very weak! I have been more of a plague on the planet more than anything. When I pray to god the prayers go unanswered. Once in a while I feel that they are answered but for the most part, over 90% of the time they don’t. I feel that god doesn’t love me and of course I understand why. I feel that I do not deserve redemption. I feel like I‘m going to hell. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I beg god to save me, to cleanse my heart and soul it never happens.
I can’t hold a job, I am a burden on everyone I know either financially or mentally and for some it’s both. I no longer talk to my parents and barely talk to my blood siblings. I do not understand how someone like me can be alive. When I was 8 years old I held a knife to my stomach in the middle of the night because I couldn’t stand life anymore. If I had killed myself back then then I would have spared my stepbrother and his friend, my cousin from the lust that surely thrives in their hearts today. I could have spared all those people the burden of my presence but as I said earlier I am a shameful coward.
I guess this all boils down to where do I go from here? What should I do with my life? If Jesus can’t save me and god doesn’t love me and with no family and only one person in the world who loves me what am I to do? My boyfriend has doubt about me and of course he should. I am a walking atrocity who is hopeless. My heart only feels pain the days I can feel it. The rest of the time I walk around angry, jaded or oddly enough full of compassion for those who live. I feel I am too broken to continue. Does it sound like I need to be dead to you? It does to me and it scares me. When I take my final breathe I will be damned to eternal hell fire. I will suffer night and day for ever and ever. I beg god to save me and I beg Jesus to save me. I forgive everyone and hope I can be forgiven too but really I walk around as an empty shell. I lie to myself to make it day by day.
Today I prayed with all my heart for Jesus to save me and to show me a way to support myself and my boyfriend financially because of course I am dirt poor. As if my horrid first half of my life wasn’t enough I have to struggle financially as well. I am unhealthy and tired all the time. I’m unhappy all of the time. I do not deserve grace so I think my time on earth is pretty much at an end. I want to stick around until 12/21/12 just to see what happens with the mayan prophecy but after that who knows what I may do. I feel as though I am the worst person walking the Earth. Sure I didn’t murder but murder isn’t the only sin in life.
First of all the thing that happened when you was a kid was not your fault, and no one deserves Gods Grace. That is what grace means Gods undeserved favor. Meaning the favor of God that cannot be earned. We all have sinned and have come up short of the glory of God. That is why God sent his son into the word to save us that are sinners. That is what the cross is all about. Jesus took your sins and mine and took the punishment upon him self that we deserve, and paid for our sins with his life's blood on the cross. And then God raised him from the dead so that we can, like his resurrection, be raised out of our own sins. Now what we have to do in response to that is repent turn from our sins and believe in the fact that his blood that was shed on the cross is what washes our sins away. Let me share with you what I prayed when I got saved and delivered from Drugs and alcohol addiction. I prayed "Father forgive me of all my sine please come into my life and my heart and change me i believe that Jesus died on a cross for me I ask you to wash me cleanse me from all sin.In Jesus name Amen" when I prayed that prayer then change begin to come into my life. You see in the bible it says who ever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. I will be praying for you..
 
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Atrocity

New Member
@eselam -

Thank you for your compassion brother. Though I cannot believe in your religions doctrine I can believe in your heart. You did not shun me and you have kept an open mind, even reading into this forum to help someone in need. I will pray for your salvation so that maybe you can achieve eternal life brother. In my heart I believe that the way to god is through his son. In your religion Jesus was a great man but his divinity is denied. Even the dome of the rock states that god has no son am I correct but just that Jesus was a messenger? Your doctrine states that the sure way to heaven is through self sacrafice that is to become a martyr. My religion god actually loved us enough that he died for us to save us to grant ever lasting life. He never asked for our death. I guess I just answered my own question. With a tear in my eye I accept that Jesus will save me no matter what. It may be insulting to him for me to walk around feeling guilty if I was already saved. It just hurts me to know that my sin hurts Jesus and probably added to his pain in his final hours.
 

Atrocity

New Member
wow I have seen so many replies. Thank you everyone for replying. I have to believe that god forgives me and most days I do. Today I felt weak and beaten down by the world. I prayed and meditated and felt deserted in the end. I guess what I really need is to learn patience.
 

Bob Dixon

>implying
So I come here for community and you send me away? Do you feel you do gods work by denying me? What I wrote has everything to do with god and Jesus. They are my focus in my life. I am a sinner and ask for forgiveness. I guess what I failed to mention is that I am not an idiot. I know more about humanity then any shrink can tell me. I understand myself well I just need to know if I a worthy of life or not. God is the one I do not understand so I have come to the community for answers.

I'm not sending you away or denying you. I can't do that.
I'm just saying that you have more deep-seated issues than we can help you with. This is why I recommended a professional. Don't think that you're above that.

You are worthy of life.

Again, all the best.
 

InChrist

Free4ever
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 1 Timothy 1:15

Give your life completely to Jesus, He saves any sinner.
 

cocolia42

Active Member
I know exactly how you feel. I have had some very similar experiences and one worse. I know that God forgives me of my sins because I truly repent. But some I have not forgiven myself. It makes me feel horrible that I have done such horrible things and God is still so good to me. I feel like I don't deserve it. And I don't. No one does. God forgives who he wants to forgive. You have to find a way to forgive yourself. As for continuing to sin and have bad thoughts, believe me when I tell you if you ask God every day to keep you strong you will see yourself getting stronger. I used to carry around a small pocket bible and open it as soon as I realized I was sinning or having bad thoughts. It helps. And now I see God taking me out of situations where I am sinning. At first I felt angry and wanted to get back to those place, but now I realize God is taking me out for my own benefit and I have to trust him. You have to understand also that as you get closer to God, Satan tries harder to pull you away. Keep praying. God does answer those prayers...in His time, in His way.
I'd also like to say something about your response to eselam. You said yourself that the church is full of people who twist the truth. Be careful what you learn from people. Turn to God for answers. Jesus said I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through me (John 14:6). This does not necessarily mean that you must believe Jesus is the Son of God. I believe it means you must believe Jesus is the anointed one, a true prophet of God, and you must believe what he taught was truth. Muslims believe this. Take some time outside the church to read the Bible and ask God to open your eyes to the truth He wants you to know. I too will pray for you. God bless you my brother.
 

Me Myself

Back to my username
I wish you the best in life.

I dont agree with homosexuality being a sin, but it´s not like I´ll argue you here if you do think it is.

In any case, I do would advice you to get professional help in the form of a psychiatrist, psychologist, or someone of similar profession.

Welcome to the forum and for doubts and comunity well, here we are. You will find a great range of christians here but I warn you that we also have many things that we may not share in the different ways we percieve, think and act our christianity.

In any case, welcome again, and I do would think it would be the best to visit a professional in the ambit of psychology for your problems, because they seem far more difficult than most people have to dealt with.

Again, welcome and God bless :namaste
 

idea

Question Everything
I have come here to this forum because I needed to vent. ....

Atrocity, know that you are not alone!!

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, MS Sans Serif, sans-serif]
Imagine you are standing in a circle of people.
In the center of the circle, there is a source of light.
But rather than facing the center and the light, you are standing with your back to the light, facing outward.
When you stand this way, facing away from the light, all you can see is your own shadow.
You cannot see the light.
You can only look into your shadow.
You cannot see the others in the circle with you.
From what you can see, you are disconnected and alone in the dark.
Now imagine that you turn around to face the light that is in the center of the circle.
When you turn toward the light, you no longer see only darkness.
When you turn toward the light, your shadow is behind you.
When you turn toward the light, you can now see the other people who are standing with you.
You can see that the light is shining on everyone and that you are all connected in its radiance.
Making the decision to turn around, to turn away from shadow, to face the light: this is metanoia.
from: Metanoia: Turn toward the light



That is cool that you can remember before you were born!! (I'm Mormon, we believe in existence before birth)

90% of the time your prayers are not answered, but I would love to hear about the other 10%? Think upon that 10%, think on what you have come to know.

You were incredibly honest in your OP, honesty is the first part of metanoia, and the hardest part for most people. It takes work, faith, and hope - but there is hope for everyone. Work - you do what you can to change your life to follow the dictates of your own conscience, if your conscience tells you don't do it, then don't do it. Our conscience is the light of Christ, and is one of the forms of communication we receive from God. Once you have done all you can - not to change the past - but to change the present and the future to be in accordance with your conscience, then you take the next step of putting all that you cannot change into His hands. Pick a day, put it in His hands, and walk away from it. You understand what to hate, now learn what to love, and let love in.


No church group is perfect, we're all imperfect people, but then so are you. "Where two or three are gathered together, there will I be also". Start going to church, talk to the bishop/priest/leader, they have seen your situation before, they have helped people like you before. You might need to talk to your doctor about your sexual urges, that is a hard thing to overcome, but you can overcome it, just like people can overcome drug and alcohol addictions. Find a different physical outlet - like running, biking, rock climbing, and use these types of outlets to gain control over your physical body. Listen to uplifting music, read good books, watching inspiring TV shows like the vids on
KarmaTube: Watch. Be Inspired. Act.

Fill yourself with good! Get in a therapy group, listen to the stories of others, help others in your group and allow them to help you. Our church has free groups, as most church groups do.

The most inspiring stories come from people who have overcome the most. You can be one of those inspiring stories. Don't lose hope, God really does love you, the atonement is real, be patient, believe, a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step, and you have already taken many of those steps. Blessings to you on your journey!

[/FONT]
 

Atrocity

New Member
Thanks for all of the support everyone! I appreciate the sense of community I've needed all along. As I continue to work through things I'm sure I will come back for help. Also I am here for anyone though I am no master, I will try my best for you.
 

England my lionheart

Rockerjahili Rebel
Premium Member
Mod advisory

10. Discuss Individual Religions Forums
The DIR forums are for the express use for discussion by that specific group. They are not to be used for debate by anyone. People of other groups or faiths may post respectful questions to increase their understanding. Questions of a rhetorical or argumentative nature or that counter the beliefs of that DIR are not permitted. Only posts that comply with the tenets or spirit of that DIR are permitted. DIR areas are not to be used as cover to bash others outside the faith. The DIR forums are strictly moderated and posts are subject to editing or removal.
 

-Peacemaker-

.45 Cal
Atrocity: If you're caught up in a life that is sinful I think Jesus would tell you to leave it right now as in today. I think Jesus would tell you to pack your bags and live in celebacy as a single man while he forms you into the person he wants you to be as to get you ready for the life he wants you to have. I would pray to the Lord this minute to provide you with a HEALTHY church community that can provide you with some stability and support. In addition, I'd also start the search for that church right now. Try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to church. There are communities of believers out there were God is really working and doing amazing things. Let me also say that I really admire your humility and I think alot of other people could really learn from it. Much love bro. Hang in there and take that step of faith
 
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Iti oj

Global warming is real and we need to act
Premium Member
Perhaps you want to move this thread to a general section instead of a private dir
 

tumbleweed41

Resident Liberal Hippie
MOD POST


Many posts have been removed form this thread during a DIR Thread Cleanup.
Please respect the DIR rule posted previously by England my Lionheart.

Further violations will result in official action.
 
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