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"Extended Adolescence" or "Emerging Adulthood" - a positive or negative trend?

DallasApple

Depends Upon My Mood..
Lifestyle is so different to previous generations, the kids now have far more options, whilst parents know so little about the options that they find it increasingly difficult to set good boundaries.

In my opinion the "it's my house do it my way" is weak, it's an authoritarian model that does not promote adult thinking in the child, it can be good for discipline, but discipline based upon illogic is useless.

Take for example the age of consent. Aussie government says people can legally have sex from age 16 onwards. Society promotes a sexualized concept of people, reinforcing the natural tendency of teenagers to be horny. Yet sex in a car is illegal due to its publicity, hotel rooms are expensive, other choices are not as good as the best option for the teenager - to have safe sex is in their own home. Yet many parents are of the mind that 'you'll not be having sex under MY roof!'. That parent creates a situation whereby the teenager will have riskier sex and for what? For some outdated sense of keeping their child innocent, or for some long outdated sense of decorum? Is there another reason for their teenager to not do something completely legal in their own house?

I've discussed this with several parents and their answer has essentially boiled down to, "because I say so - we had to do it this way, so will you" times change people, it's not as safe having a shag on lovers point anymore with a camera in every phone. And those parents who had to do it this way too - how many found themselves horny as, away from that bedside drawer with the contraceptives in it and said, "lets do it anyway" and bang, 16-19 years old and pregnant - with a big part of that UNPLANNED pregnancy caused by their parents obstinate "You're not having sex under my roof".

Then get ARRESTED)and pay your OWN way out of jail)..the parents arent obligated to provide a safe shack for the children to screw in..You have GOT to be kidding me..GO ..get your own place to screw in..Im not paying a 450$ electcity bill and water and "snuffle fluffle" bed spreads for brats to screw in..

Go buy your own.

I dont give a rats *** if you screw or not just go PAY for it..I dont give a crap if you're horny..Im not supplying bed and breakfast for you to get laid..If your big enough to screw your big enough to GET OUT!

Love

Dallas
 

DallasApple

Depends Upon My Mood..
Even that concept of "my house, my roof" it's bloody disgusting. Where is the family in "MY", there is no family in "MY" it's all about selfish. Yes kudas where it is due, the parents worked hard and paid their dues and bought that house - but if that house is "MY house" that says a lot about the family structure.

Promote the idea that the kid is shielded from all the financial decision making in the household - no frigging wonder kids and young adults can't budget these days, their parents hid all those 'scary' details from the kids for 20 years! The kids have no experience in financial matters because the parents are over protective of financial matters.
Pathetic, the parents create the situation with their outdated or incorrect thinking and then wonder, "what have i done wrong, i've got a kidlike adult that doesn't pay their bills" Well hello, they never had any experience in paying bills, they've had every desire satisfied by your gifting them whatever.

If the parent is responsible for everything... the kid is irresponsible and grows to be an irresponsible adult.

If the child has no say in "it's MY house" then the reasons for the child to respect that house are diminished, not gone, but lessened. Ownership is FAR more powerful than enforced discipline, ownership is about self discipline and responsibility, rather than obedience to the authoritarian parent.

YOu have GOT to be kidding me?What do you mean "sheilded " from all the "financial descisions"?

What do you mean we should "conference" with the 6 year old as to our descision on what provider to use for cable?Talk to the 1o year old about the per kilowat plans for electcity and get his input?

Im serious Im falling out of my chair laughing..



what are you talking about???

Good God!

Love Dallas



Love
 

Peacewise

Active Member
It's just a fact of life that a 16 year old is a sexual creature, if you'd like to delude yourself over this and rant on about the lack of obligation of a parent to their children, that's your ill considered choice. Be realistic, the teenager is at their sexual peek with hormones raging like they never will in their entire life ever again and you'd rather that kid go and have sex anywhere else but the single safest place they could do it - the safety and privacy of their own home. Or abstain, which though possible is statistically unlikely.

nice job of taking my statements out of context Dallas.
I specifically mentioned 16 year olds, perhaps you'd like to reconsider your rant in light of that age or close to it.
I'm talking about 16 year olds not having to make a single financial decision because their parents don't involve them in the decision making process and how this ill prepares teenagers for becoming financially responsible adults.
 
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Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Lifestyle is so different to previous generations, the kids now have far more options, whilst parents know so little about the options that they find it increasingly difficult to set good boundaries.

In my opinion the "it's my house do it my way" is weak, it's an authoritarian model that does not promote adult thinking in the child, it can be good for discipline, but discipline based upon illogic is useless.

Take for example the age of consent. Aussie government says people can legally have sex from age 16 onwards. Society promotes a sexualized concept of people, reinforcing the natural tendency of teenagers to be horny. Yet sex in a car is illegal due to its publicity, hotel rooms are expensive, other choices are not as good as the best option for the teenager - to have safe sex is in their own home. Yet many parents are of the mind that 'you'll not be having sex under MY roof!'. That parent creates a situation whereby the teenager will have riskier sex and for what? For some outdated sense of keeping their child innocent, or for some long outdated sense of decorum? Is there another reason for their teenager to not do something completely legal in their own house?

I've discussed this with several parents and their answer has essentially boiled down to, "because I say so - we had to do it this way, so will you" times change people, it's not as safe having a shag on lovers point anymore with a camera in every phone. And those parents who had to do it this way too - how many found themselves horny as, away from that bedside drawer with the contraceptives in it and said, "lets do it anyway" and bang, 16-19 years old and pregnant - with a big part of that UNPLANNED pregnancy caused by their parents obstinate "You're not having sex under my roof".

Just to clarify - the OP is more focused on ADULTS still living at home in their twenties and thirties - not teens. This also applies to your argument about it being "my" house. Teens living in a house are still basically children, and we should treat them as what they are - kids. We should expand their level of responsibility as they grow.

Adults who still live at home but do not contribute financially or carry their fair share of the load are in my opinion way outta line.

Also, anyone - ANYONE - living in a house owned by other people should abide by the standards of that home. If they don't like those standards, they should go create a home of their own. This would apply regardless of age. If I moved in with my parents -they don't eat dinner. If I wanted dinner, I would need to fix it myself - and clean up after myself. And it would bother them if I cooked dinner at 10 pm when they are already in bed - the noise would keep them awake. Living in their house, I would need to adjust my desires rather than impose my desires on them.

That would get old. Sometimes I like to eat late, or get in the kitchen at night and whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. It would be a big relief to me to get out of their house and into my own so I could do whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to.

Just an example.
 

Peacewise

Active Member
Just to clarify - the OP is more focused on ADULTS still living at home in their twenties and thirties - not teens. This also applies to your argument about it being "my" house. Teens living in a house are still basically children, and we should treat them as what they are - kids. We should expand their level of responsibility as they grow.
Treat a person as a kid and they will behave as a kid. Yes expand their level of responsibility as they grow.
Adults who still live at home but do not contribute financially or carry their fair share of the load are in my opinion way outta line.

Also, anyone - ANYONE - living in a house owned by other people should abide by the standards of that home. If they don't like those standards, they should go create a home of their own. This would apply regardless of age.

I'd agree that the adult still living at home in 20-30 something age group and not contributing to the household finances and chores is way out of line YES! How did they get there though? Have no doubt, there is a very good chance they got to be irresponsible by growing up being irresponsible, by being shielded from over protective parents, by plain bad parenting.

Whom do we point the finger at? (if at all) - shall we just blame the big-kids and state "grow up", or should we acknowledge that they didn't have to grow up because of their parents.

Irresponsibility grows, if the parent is irresponsible in their parenting by not involving the children/teenager/20something in being responsible, then it's simply poor thinking to not acknowledge that the issue is as much the parents as it is the 20 somethings.

As to your final quoted paragraph above...
In my understanding the 16-18 year old cannot move out without permission of their parent, or special circumstances like abuse and so forth. Excluding the abuse situations... take that 16-17.9 year old, force them to live in their parents house during that hormone riddled period of their lives in a highly sexualized culture and require them to have sex outside of the safest place on the entire planet for them, their own home.

NAY!!!!, it's not their home, it's "NOT IN MY HOUSE" the parents home, the teenagers constitutional right to have sex after their age of consent is made risky by some parents poor (lack of) thinking regarding sex. I do not wonder why some teenagers have unplanned pregnancies, some parents contribute to a situation where the risky sex occurs in the back seats of cars and other less safe places - relative to the safety of one's own home.

One simple question, honestly answered by the parent should reveal the stupidity of "not in my house!"

"Where do you have sex?" sure there will be a huge variation, but I'd put my house on the most frequent answer being, "the bedroom".

Why should the teenagers most frequent answer be any different?
 

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Let's please not derail this thread into a discussion about when and where teens should be allowed to have sex. This thread is about adults living at home or on their parents' dole well into their late 20s, 30s and even beyond.

And to clarify - yes, it is also the parents' fault when these adults stuck in adolescence don't carry their own share of responsibility. In my opinion, they should quit being so afraid of their grown kids' anger and instead take back their rights in their own home.
 

Peacewise

Active Member
Ok Kathryn, I thought I was on topic or at least close to it with the sex discussion, I'll leave that be.

I'm glad you see the logic behind the argument of the issue being as much the parents as the 20+somethings.

Seems to me that the root issue is education of parenting.
 

MysticSang'ha

Big Squishy Hugger
Premium Member
Let's please not derail this thread into a discussion about when and where teens should be allowed to have sex. This thread is about adults living at home or on their parents' dole well into their late 20s, 30s and even beyond.

And to clarify - yes, it is also the parents' fault when these adults stuck in adolescence don't carry their own share of responsibility. In my opinion, they should quit being so afraid of their grown kids' anger and instead take back their rights in their own home.

There's something Steve and I do (mind you, we're not perfect) is what I like to call "Good Wholesome Neglect." At a certain age, I stopped doing the kids' laundry, stopped making their breakfasts and lunches, and stopped cleaning their rooms and making their beds. If they were hungry or wanted to find a book or a game or some other toy, they're on their own.

We rarely buy the kids "fun stuff", too. That comes from their own banks. It's our responsibility to make sure there's food in the house and they have adequate clothing and that they're educated, but when it comes to most other things, they can only receive advice from us.

I find the phenomenon fascinating, too. All our kids from age 11 to 17 - including our autistic son - knows how to do laundry and to cook basic meals. They all know how to wash dishes. It's not uncommon to hear the kids talk about their plans for their future (our 17-year-old is going into Marines, and I'm scared for him on the inside as his mama, but I'll be damned if I get in his way). They all look forward to living their own lives.

I dunno. We'll see how it goes. Steve and I don't place a whole lot of pressure on us as their parents or them as our kids. We only expect them to dream big, be confident in what their boundaries and their dreams are, apply themselves realistically (know their resources), and have a sense of humor about mistakes. We all make 'em. :shrug:

I guess we'll see if they come knocking on our door at 25 wanting a leg up. LOL
 

Panda

42?
Premium Member
I'm all for "seeing a kid thru university" if they finish a four year degree in four years - and if they are willing to step up to the plate as an ADULT living with other ADULTS - and carry their share of the weight of a household. Do something to earn some money, pay for your own gas and food and some household expenses - wash and fold your own laundry for heavens' sake, and VOLUNTEER to help your parents out, rather than the other way around, once in awhile.

Not arguing with you here I agree. Though like I said earlier I live away from home my parents only pay for my rent everything else is up to me. I know they would give me more money if I asked but I HATE asking people for money and I would only ever do that if I really needed to. Maybe that is why they offer.

One thing that sticks out at me is the recurring mantra about "not knowing what one wants to do," and "unappealing jobs" and "wanting a fulfilling career."

I know plenty of people my age who don't know what they want to do, they tend to work until they figure it out. All my friend either work or go to university or college.


What? Who told you work is fun? Do you honestly think that your parents get up every day saying, "Woohoooo! Today I get to fight some traffic, go hang out with people for 8-9 hours today that I really don't love like I do my friends and family, do a job that isn't sexy or particularly exciting, then fight traffic coming home, divide my couple of free hours up between 3 other people who are vying for my last ounce of energy, scrounge something up for dinner, fold laundry while I'm reviewing a homework assigment, wash the dishes because no one else offers to, fall asleep on the sofa during the evening news - and then I get to get up and do it all again tomorrow."

Sure it's great if work is exciting, fulfilling, dynamic, creative - whatever. But even the most interesting jobs are largely filled with tedium. Jobs are not entertainment. Jobs are utilitarian.

Get your head around that. And then get off your *** and get to work.

Everybody's livin' for the weekend.

I agree. Though I think you should at least do something that you are at least vaguely interested in.
 

Panda

42?
Premium Member
There's something Steve and I do (mind you, we're not perfect) is what I like to call "Good Wholesome Neglect." At a certain age, I stopped doing the kids' laundry, stopped making their breakfasts and lunches, and stopped cleaning their rooms and making their beds. If they were hungry or wanted to find a book or a game or some other toy, they're on their own.

We rarely buy the kids "fun stuff", too. That comes from their own banks. It's our responsibility to make sure there's food in the house and they have adequate clothing and that they're educated, but when it comes to most other things, they can only receive advice from us.

I find the phenomenon fascinating, too. All our kids from age 11 to 17 - including our autistic son - knows how to do laundry and to cook basic meals. They all know how to wash dishes. It's not uncommon to hear the kids talk about their plans for their future (our 17-year-old is going into Marines, and I'm scared for him on the inside as his mama, but I'll be damned if I get in his way). They all look forward to living their own lives.

I dunno. We'll see how it goes. Steve and I don't place a whole lot of pressure on us as their parents or them as our kids. We only expect them to dream big, be confident in what their boundaries and their dreams are, apply themselves realistically (know their resources), and have a sense of humor about mistakes. We all make 'em. :shrug:

I guess we'll see if they come knocking on our door at 25 wanting a leg up. LOL

Isn't that what a parent is meant to do? Teach them to be independent and encourage them and help them achieve their goals.
 

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Ok Kathryn, I thought I was on topic or at least close to it with the sex discussion, I'll leave that be.

I'm glad you see the logic behind the argument of the issue being as much the parents as the 20+somethings.

Seems to me that the root issue is education of parenting.

I agree about it being the ROOT. However, that doesn't excuse the actions of young adults - OR the parents who let them run right over them.

I know you're not saying that.

Good comments, folks.
 
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