I am a 29 year old mom with two beautiful children, a great job and a husband who adores me. I love God very much and thank Him for loving me so much. My problem is that my husband owns porn. He doesn't seem to think it is harmful because he doesn't watch it, but he refuses to throw it out. I have been patiently waiting for him to come to his senses and realize that the seeds that are being planted when he does happent to watch porn is going to be the enemy's way of allowing other things to develop. I have made up my mind that it has to go. I feel that God can't bless us until we rid ourselves of what will end up being a major problem in our lives. I will continue to pray to the Lord because I know that He is the only one that can truly rid my husband of this addiction. Do you think that I am right in throwing this garbage out of my house? I pray that God will use you all to speak to my heart because I want to remain in God's will and I want to always do as He will have me to do. I cant continue to allow this trap of the enemy to remain in my closet.
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I am ridding my house of my husband's porn!
- Thread starter maya
- Start date
Welcome to the forums. I am not sure you should throw your husbands property away without his consent. Have a conversation with him in which you explain why you cannot let this remain.
Katzpur
Not your average Mormon
I'd say, "Go for it!" but I don't think it will solve your problem. Your husband would only get more. And it would undoubtedly damage your relationship. This is an addiction; I am convinced of it. And it's a dangerous one. Your husband desperately needs to know what kind of harm he is doing to himself, to you and to your children. I wish I knew what to suggest. Do you have a clergyman who might be willing to approach him about this?maya said:
robtex
Veteran Member
Maya good to meet you. I would first implore you not to answer the questions I am posting on the forum but to consider them in private.
1) How is the two of your's intimate life?
2) Why does he have the porn to begin with
3) What are your issues with the porn and does he realize these issues exist.
4) Have you two defined your stance on porn together and out loud ?
5) If you did # 4 what was the resolution agreed upon by the two of you?
Hope you two figure things out but irregardless of what you believe spirtually speaking, there is a conflict between the two of you and unless you both address each others needs and take on the situation and find a common resolution.
1) How is the two of your's intimate life?
2) Why does he have the porn to begin with
3) What are your issues with the porn and does he realize these issues exist.
4) Have you two defined your stance on porn together and out loud ?
5) If you did # 4 what was the resolution agreed upon by the two of you?
Hope you two figure things out but irregardless of what you believe spirtually speaking, there is a conflict between the two of you and unless you both address each others needs and take on the situation and find a common resolution.
Natas
Active Member
Hello and welcome to RF Maya!maya said:
I agree with Mister Emu. Don't throw it out at present. Have a face to face talk in private with your husband and express to him what you are posting here. Then very attentively listen to his reasons for keeping the "Porn". Perhaps you both will come to some kind of an agreement where you can avoid making a huge issue out of this problem.
Try to find out why he feels he needs the "Porn" in the first place. Does he get something from it he's not getting in your relationship? If you feel instead that it's Satan bending his will or planting the seeds of lust in his heart, then I will have to defer you to one of my christian friends here on the forum. You'll find many people willing to help here.
You didn't say what type "Porn" it is, but people seem to have varying degrees of what they accept and what they classify as "Porn". I am horrified by child pornography, but some people's tolerance level is much lower then mine.
Good luck!
Fluffy
A fool
Heya maya,
I reckon that the root of the problem here is the fact that there is a conflict between you and your husband. The goal should be to resolve this conflict so that you are both happy. Resorting to throwing away his property without his consent does not appear (without knowing him and so without knowing how he might react) to be a step towards this goal.
If you believe something firmly, and wish someone else to take the same view as you, the best way to convince them is to evaluate why you feel the way you do and explain this to them in clearest way possible. If they remain unconvinced, then you might need to consider the possibility that you may be wrong. If you are both of a particular religion then you may want to consider using passages from your holy scripture to aid you in doing.
I reckon that the root of the problem here is the fact that there is a conflict between you and your husband. The goal should be to resolve this conflict so that you are both happy. Resorting to throwing away his property without his consent does not appear (without knowing him and so without knowing how he might react) to be a step towards this goal.
If you believe something firmly, and wish someone else to take the same view as you, the best way to convince them is to evaluate why you feel the way you do and explain this to them in clearest way possible. If they remain unconvinced, then you might need to consider the possibility that you may be wrong. If you are both of a particular religion then you may want to consider using passages from your holy scripture to aid you in doing.
Maya, hi,
I am only sorry that I have to welcome you to the forum on such an anxious and troubled question from you; I truly hope that from all the advice you receive here, you can decide which way to go forward on this one - it is obviously something of great significance for you, and I can almost feel your feeling of 'not knowing which way to turn.
The only point that I can't remember seeing in the other people's reply to you is in reply to the sentence: "He doesn't seem to think it is harmful because he doesn't watch it, but he refuses to throw it out." - somehow, for me, that doesn't seem to 'gel'.......
I think you have been given good advice by one or two, in that, to throw away the porn behind your husband's back would only make him feel angry - knowing human nature, even if it did not matter to him that much, your throwing it away without his permission might just make this become a whole greater issue of his trust in you.
I fully understand the way you feel; the questions Robtex suggests that you tackle are all good ones, and I think that you really ought (for both your sakes) to get to the 'core' of this problem; maybe it is a symptom of something that he feels there is lacking in your marriage.
You say that you are praying to God to help your husband overcome the addiction - that is laudable, but the need to get rid of the porn must be a conscious "I want to get rid of it" in your husband's mind; without that, he might well start again, and find a hiding place for it in the house, away from your eyes........
There are so many possibilities as to why your husband feels the need for this, and some may even be subconscious; the real reason he needs this outlet may be tied to something in his past.
I personally know of one case where a man was resorting to porn after having been present at their child's birth; the guilt of his wife's 'sufferring' such pain at the birth of their child was too much foor him to bear, and he started looking to satisfy his needs by looking at pornography - there are so many possibilities.
I truly hope you can talk to him about it; not in a confrontational manner, but by following these principles in your discussion to him:-
1. Describe to him what is bothering you
2.Express your feelings about the subject; try to use phrases like "It weould make me so happy if you........" rather than "You should get rid., or "I need...."
3.Asser yourself; even though it sounds obvious, he needs to know why it upsets you so much
4.Reinforce; show him what he has to gain by throwing away this stuff; that you will feel far more relaxed and happy, and that that will improve your relationship.
5.Be Mindful; stay on the subject - if he comes in with a "Well you do this and I don't like it." tell him "OK, we'll talk about that after, for now, please give me my time"- too many discussions like this get distracted into all kinds of blind alleys.
6.Appear confident; this is something that bothers you - you do not like it, and you don't see why you should have to put up with it,
7. Be prepared to negotiate - ie if there is something you husband comes up with which annoys him, that you do, offer to make an effort to change that, in yourself as a compromise.
Be gentle - there is a difference in being masterful and needing to be angy because that is the only way to deal with this. Try not to threaten him "I'll leave you if you don't chuck this stuff out......". Try not to moralize (I kbow that this sounds strange in this case), but try not to use phrases like "It's horrible, smutty, agains God's wishes....etc." - You don't want it in the house because IT MAKES YOU SAD to have this in the house.
Validate him. ie " I understand that you may not see it my way, and that for you it is a 'nothing' - I don't suppose you realize how much this affects me; if there is something lacking in our relationship - tell me, and we can work for a common goal...............
Well, that was a short intro!
Now to business; You might like to have a look at :- Articles for New Members ; from there, there is a link to the forum rules, which you ought to see.
I truly hope you can resolve this; Since you are praying, I know that you believe in some deity - you don't mention your religion on your profile - but I will pray for you, that you may have the wisdom and the ability to solve this without much angst.
God Bless,
Michel
I am only sorry that I have to welcome you to the forum on such an anxious and troubled question from you; I truly hope that from all the advice you receive here, you can decide which way to go forward on this one - it is obviously something of great significance for you, and I can almost feel your feeling of 'not knowing which way to turn.
The only point that I can't remember seeing in the other people's reply to you is in reply to the sentence: "He doesn't seem to think it is harmful because he doesn't watch it, but he refuses to throw it out." - somehow, for me, that doesn't seem to 'gel'.......
I think you have been given good advice by one or two, in that, to throw away the porn behind your husband's back would only make him feel angry - knowing human nature, even if it did not matter to him that much, your throwing it away without his permission might just make this become a whole greater issue of his trust in you.
I fully understand the way you feel; the questions Robtex suggests that you tackle are all good ones, and I think that you really ought (for both your sakes) to get to the 'core' of this problem; maybe it is a symptom of something that he feels there is lacking in your marriage.
You say that you are praying to God to help your husband overcome the addiction - that is laudable, but the need to get rid of the porn must be a conscious "I want to get rid of it" in your husband's mind; without that, he might well start again, and find a hiding place for it in the house, away from your eyes........
There are so many possibilities as to why your husband feels the need for this, and some may even be subconscious; the real reason he needs this outlet may be tied to something in his past.
I personally know of one case where a man was resorting to porn after having been present at their child's birth; the guilt of his wife's 'sufferring' such pain at the birth of their child was too much foor him to bear, and he started looking to satisfy his needs by looking at pornography - there are so many possibilities.
I truly hope you can talk to him about it; not in a confrontational manner, but by following these principles in your discussion to him:-
1. Describe to him what is bothering you
2.Express your feelings about the subject; try to use phrases like "It weould make me so happy if you........" rather than "You should get rid., or "I need...."
3.Asser yourself; even though it sounds obvious, he needs to know why it upsets you so much
4.Reinforce; show him what he has to gain by throwing away this stuff; that you will feel far more relaxed and happy, and that that will improve your relationship.
5.Be Mindful; stay on the subject - if he comes in with a "Well you do this and I don't like it." tell him "OK, we'll talk about that after, for now, please give me my time"- too many discussions like this get distracted into all kinds of blind alleys.
6.Appear confident; this is something that bothers you - you do not like it, and you don't see why you should have to put up with it,
7. Be prepared to negotiate - ie if there is something you husband comes up with which annoys him, that you do, offer to make an effort to change that, in yourself as a compromise.
Be gentle - there is a difference in being masterful and needing to be angy because that is the only way to deal with this. Try not to threaten him "I'll leave you if you don't chuck this stuff out......". Try not to moralize (I kbow that this sounds strange in this case), but try not to use phrases like "It's horrible, smutty, agains God's wishes....etc." - You don't want it in the house because IT MAKES YOU SAD to have this in the house.
Validate him. ie " I understand that you may not see it my way, and that for you it is a 'nothing' - I don't suppose you realize how much this affects me; if there is something lacking in our relationship - tell me, and we can work for a common goal...............
Well, that was a short intro!
Now to business; You might like to have a look at :- Articles for New Members ; from there, there is a link to the forum rules, which you ought to see.
I truly hope you can resolve this; Since you are praying, I know that you believe in some deity - you don't mention your religion on your profile - but I will pray for you, that you may have the wisdom and the ability to solve this without much angst.
God Bless,
Michel
Voxton
·
Maya, if your husband decided that something that you owned, was bad or wrong in some way -- and proceeded to throw it away, how would you feel? Maybe he decided that you have become too attached to your clothes, or your shoes. Or that you have a hobby, that has come between you. If he simply threw things out, it would be a complete breach of your confidence.
The only sensible thing to do, is to confront him, no matter how uncomfortable that might be. Tell him what you feel about it. Throwing it out without confronting him about it, is a backhanded way of dealing with it. That's no way to deal a person that you respect -- and certainly no way of dealing someone who is supposed to be your significant other.
The only sensible thing to do, is to confront him, no matter how uncomfortable that might be. Tell him what you feel about it. Throwing it out without confronting him about it, is a backhanded way of dealing with it. That's no way to deal a person that you respect -- and certainly no way of dealing someone who is supposed to be your significant other.
Melody
Well-Known Member
Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's foes will be those of his own household.
Matthew 10:34-35
I would talk to your husband *before* you do anything. Explain to him that this is not in accordance with God's Word and that it has no place in a Christian home. Give him the opportunity of recognizing this and removing the materials voluntarily. If he doesn't, then you have to make a choice and I'd pray about this before doing anything.
Christianity aside....and this is just me, but I look at porn as marital cheating. Perhaps not physically, but by fantasizing about other women, he is mentally cheating. Oh, I'm not talking about the random thoughts that pop through a person's mind...but porn is not just random thoughts.
Matthew 10:34-35
I would talk to your husband *before* you do anything. Explain to him that this is not in accordance with God's Word and that it has no place in a Christian home. Give him the opportunity of recognizing this and removing the materials voluntarily. If he doesn't, then you have to make a choice and I'd pray about this before doing anything.
Christianity aside....and this is just me, but I look at porn as marital cheating. Perhaps not physically, but by fantasizing about other women, he is mentally cheating. Oh, I'm not talking about the random thoughts that pop through a person's mind...but porn is not just random thoughts.
Quoth The Raven
Half Arsed Muse
If he's not looking at it but he wont throw it out, finding out WHY he's refusing to get rid of something he apparently no longer has any use for would be the first step.
Either he's still looking at it and just humouring you to keep the peace by saying he isn't - in which case the problem is bigger than the fact he has a stash of girly magazines - or he seems to think somewhere in the back of his mind that he may need it someday. Is he the sort of person that hoards other things? If it's in his nature to hang on to things he really has no need for, this porn that he's holding on to may mean no more to him than the mason jar full of bent screws that he can't bear to part with. If you wouldn't just toss out the jar of screws behind his back, you need to take a step back from the emotive issues being raised by the items in question and try to be consistent in your behaviour. Maybe try pointing out to him that you have no room in your life for new and better things if you aren't prepared to let go of the stuff that doesn't work any more.
Either he's still looking at it and just humouring you to keep the peace by saying he isn't - in which case the problem is bigger than the fact he has a stash of girly magazines - or he seems to think somewhere in the back of his mind that he may need it someday. Is he the sort of person that hoards other things? If it's in his nature to hang on to things he really has no need for, this porn that he's holding on to may mean no more to him than the mason jar full of bent screws that he can't bear to part with. If you wouldn't just toss out the jar of screws behind his back, you need to take a step back from the emotive issues being raised by the items in question and try to be consistent in your behaviour. Maybe try pointing out to him that you have no room in your life for new and better things if you aren't prepared to let go of the stuff that doesn't work any more.
KirbyFan101
Resident Ball of Fluff
Why are you so concerned with your husbands pornography?
If it pleases him to have it, why are you so determined to get rid of it?
Are you intimitaded by it?
It is perfectly natural for a person to be lustrous. With two children, it might be hard for him to find total satisfaction with the busy lifestyle that raising children brings.
Which raises the final question, is it easier to deprive your husband of his pleasure or for you to become more open minded? I leave that, to you.
If it pleases him to have it, why are you so determined to get rid of it?
Are you intimitaded by it?
It is perfectly natural for a person to be lustrous. With two children, it might be hard for him to find total satisfaction with the busy lifestyle that raising children brings.
Which raises the final question, is it easier to deprive your husband of his pleasure or for you to become more open minded? I leave that, to you.
niamhwitch
Celtic Faery Wiccan )O(
can I have it?
KirbyFan101
Resident Ball of Fluff
:biglaugh:niamhwitch said:can I have it?
Fade
The Great Master Bates
If he has porn in the first place then he obviously doesn't share your belief that it is a sinful thing. I personally am a great fan of porn. As Bill Hicks would say, I have tapes that are pure 'f*****g' art....I love that mans sense of humour
But seriously, trying to impose your puritanical[sp?] ideology on another freethinking individual is a path that is littered with dragons and will bring nothing but trouble to your relationship.
But seriously, trying to impose your puritanical[sp?] ideology on another freethinking individual is a path that is littered with dragons and will bring nothing but trouble to your relationship.