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Promiscuity

Vasilisa Jade

Formerly Saint Tigeress
What interests me is that you assume that all people have a natural instinct to have sex with multiple partners. You see the doctrine of monogamy as damaging to women--a kind of oppression.
I wanted to chime in on this too. I think at some point in a humans life they feel some sort of desire to have a "multiple partner experience," I guess you could say. I think that with different people the severity of it's pull and reasons behind it are different though. For some the desire is so weak it might as well not be there, and others have a much stronger pull.

The doctrine of monogamy being oppressive to women, if this is actually the OP's view, I can't agree with. It is a double edged sword like I think I said before. It is more secure and safe, but also hinders exploration and sexual freedom.

The way I see it, if you feel the need to adventure, do it all while you are single, or find a partner who feels the same. I really believe that chronic cheaters are just swingers in denial. So I guess... I personally do not see it as an oppressive doctrine in of itself because it has good intentions. I think typically people oppressive themselves by submitting themselves to the doctrine when it is not right for them.

I wonder how many men (specifically teenagers and young men) are interested in sexual monogamy but feel pressure to have multiple partners. After all, "free love" has died down a bit since the 60s, but our cultural sexual permissiveness hasn't, much.

I never felt such a pressure as a teenager and I never heard of my friends feeling such a pressure. There was actually more pressure to be monogamous because you risked being labeled as dirty if you had multiple.

So if you're just hooking up with some guy/gal, I mean, you might as well just be masturbating.

Yu just hit it right on the head. I JUST figured this out not too long ago. My bf and I were talking about threesomes and I was trying to wrap my mind around it when it clicked.... adding another person in a threesome is like adding a sex toy, but it's a human. lol. I never realized that with my cuddle-buddies. There was still a bit of a difference though...

If the sex isn't meaningful emotionally, I think it's inescapably degrading. It's using a body for self-satisfaction, and even if it's mutual self-satisfaction, it DEGRADES both the experience of sex AND the status of the partner(s) to a purely physical one. It just ignores the fact that there's more to us than our bodies and our bodies' desires.
That's why promiscuity isn't ideal. It's not the end of the world, but it doesn't fulfill the potential.

This I agree and disagree with you on, from my personal experiences. I see your perspective and another. See, my cuddle-buddies so I called them, were truly good friends. We were physically attracted to each other and to each others personalities, but due to other elements in our lives, we BOTH decided we were not relationship-compatible. I told you guys I am brutally honest about myself... lol. It was a mutual decision to not get into relationship, but we were still attracted to each other on a few levels. It was not degrading to either of us at all. We were good friends with benefits. There was no jealousy, no clinginess, we hung out and had fun and sometimes tackled each other and it was whatever. If we were with other people we were interested in, it was cool, we could all still hang out and there were NO problems. It was like a sort of "friendshio-love, adn that was all. Even now that I am in a serious relationship I am still cool with everyone except one. Which was the example that makes me agree with you.

Until this guy I couldn't fathom how reasonable promiscuity was degrading. It was a study buddy in one of my college classes. He was shy and quiet and absolutely gorgeous... looked like an Abercrombie model mixed with a little grunge and a little skater. So I was single at the time and not really with anyone so we hooked up, but instead of being a friend with benefits, he just wanted benefits, when he wanted them.

It was weird and I didn't like it. Eventually I did start to feel degraded. I told him that if he didn't like me as a person enough to hang out with me casually, he wasn't getting laid anymore. So from that point on, I made that clear. If you like me enough to want to have sex with me, you better like me enough to be a friend, but keep your emotions in check enough not to have feelings. lol.
 

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
To each his own. Personally, I prefer mutual monogamy. When I was single, I went through a promiscuous stage which was fun for a little while, but then it began to feel very empty and lonely. It's hard to describe - but I didn't feel cherished or protected or honored and I really like those feelings to be part of my intimate relationships. In my monogamous marriage (and our immediately monogamous relationship leading up to marriage), I have found the trade - instant gratification for honor and faithfulness- to be what I much prefer.

Not to mention the sheer DRAMA of extended promiscuity - the risk of STDs, pregnancy, or (the most common risk in my opinion) the emotional entanglement involving third parties, or even the two involved who thought this would be just a little fun for a little while.

I also don't like the damage to one's reputation. If your promiscuity becomes well known, you can try to kid yourself or say you don't care - and maybe you don't - but your reputation WILL take some bad knocks.

I like the person I have sex with to know that it's not casual to me - that if I am going to have sex with them, it's special, because I'm not having sex with anyone else. And it's based on trust, respect, and honor. I have yet to meet a man who truly would not care if the woman he loved slept with someone else, though I'm sure they're out there (takes all types). Personally, I'm not interested in having an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't care who I share my body with.

I absolutely adore and cherish every inch of my husband's body. I cannot IMAGINE sharing him with someone else. I simply wouldn't do so.

I enjoy being married and being monogamous. I much prefer it to promiscuous singlehood. And I was never able to really pull off the Best Friend with Benefits thing myself.

I like my sex to be served up with passionate love, trust, respect, and monogamy.

 
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Sunstone

De Diablo Del Fora
Premium Member
Promiscuity, like monogamy, seems to be one of several possible reproductive strategies used by humans.
 

DallasApple

Depends Upon My Mood..
To each his own. Personally, I prefer mutual monogamy. When I was single, I went through a promiscuous stage which was fun for a little while, but then it began to feel very empty and lonely. It's hard to describe - but I didn't feel cherished or protected or honored and I really like those feelings to be part of my intimate relationships. In my monogamous marriage (and our immediately monogamous relationship leading up to marriage), I have found the trade - instant gratification for honor and faithfulness- to be what I much prefer.

Not to mention the sheer DRAMA of extended promiscuity - the risk of STDs, pregnancy, or (the most common risk in my opinion) the emotional entanglement involving third parties, or even the two involved who thought this would be just a little fun for a little while.

I also don't like the damage to one's reputation. If your promiscuity becomes well known, you can try to kid yourself or say you don't care - and maybe you don't - but your reputation WILL take some bad knocks.

I like the person I have sex with to know that it's not casual to me - that if I am going to have sex with them, it's special, because I'm not having sex with anyone else. And it's based on trust, respect, and honor. I have yet to meet a man who truly would not care if the woman he loved slept with someone else, though I'm sure they're out there (takes all types). Personally, I'm not interested in having an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't care who I share my body with.

I absolutely adore and cherish every inch of my husband's body. I cannot IMAGINE sharing him with someone else. I simply wouldn't do so.

I enjoy being married and being monogamous. I much prefer it to promiscuous singlehood. And I was never able to really pull off the Best Friend with Benefits thing myself.

I like my sex to be served up with passionate love, trust, respect, and monogamy.



I asolutley agree with every word you said (except the personal parts about how much I love havign sex with your husband..:D)

And the part about not being able to "describe it"..We are called "jealous" and insecure" for beign "botherered or "caring " if our husband want to "spread their love" with other women..Because we are "insecure"..

Um no ..Im not insecure..but I am righfullly jealous..I dont want to "share" him..And why should I and if I dont why is that a bad thing"?/..

And I also agree on your point it would quite frankly disturb me if my husband didnt care if I slept with other people..

We have been married for a LONG time..LOL!! 22 years in June and have "messed up" and it was a BAD wrong thing..

If he and I "agreed " that both of us could have sex with someone else whenever we pleased with some "safety nets in place"..Everything special about us being that way together would vanish..It would just be carnal.And it would be carnal with the other dudes because who in the hell has time! ..

I guess Im takign this from the angle Im married and Im married to a certain man and its because I want to see him everyday..(except when Im mad I wish he would go away for a long time)..

And having sex with a bunch of tarts couldnt bring him back..Because I think I love him.:shrug:

Love


Dallas
 

Vasilisa Jade

Formerly Saint Tigeress
And the part about not being able to "describe it"..We are called "jealous" and insecure" for beign "botherered or "caring " if our husband want to "spread their love" with other women..Because we are "insecure"..

Um no ..Im not insecure..but I am righfullly jealous..I dont want to "share" him..And why should I and if I dont why is that a bad thing"?/..

I understand this. When you get married, the point is to be just with each other and to maintain a special relationship. He is your special something, just for you, promised to just you. It is breaking a promise when you adventure. You would have every right to be upset and not due to insecurity. I guess because I am so forgiving of the need to experience and learn through accepting our faults, I anticipate these incidents when I will be done wrong in a relationship as a possible natural part, and try to work with it in preparation mentally and emotionally, and try to understand. You know... prepare for the worst and hope for the best? lol.

And I also agree on your point it would quite frankly disturb me if my husband didnt care if I slept with other people..

The thing with this is that it isn't a two way street, usually. For instance, it's okay for me to not care if another girl is involved, but my bf cares if another guy is involved. I can share him but he won't share me. I was like, Eh? Heh? :confused: (I've already had a few of these conversations with him trying to get him comfortable so that when the itch comes we will be prepared. lol. Cause I don't want to lose what we have).

If he and I "agreed " that both of us could have sex with someone else whenever we pleased with some "safety nets in place"..Everything special about us being that way together would vanish..It would just be carnal.And it would be carnal with the other dudes because who in the hell has time! ..

I don't think this is always the case though. Only if my bf cheated on me behind my back, is when I think something would be lost. If we settled on introducing this new thing into our relationship to provide... I guess you could say, an outside stimulus, being with each other wouldn't lose any of it's special quality, because what we were doing we would be doing together in open dialog. When dialog is not open, or cut off, that is when things go bad I think.
 

Alceste

Vagabond
Right. It's their life, their body, their choice. I'm all for personal freedom, and personal responsibility. however I do find it hard to respect people if they don't respect themselves.

I think it's a little arrogant to presume that because I don't share your distaste for casual sex, I must therefore be lacking in self-respect. Why would the one thing have anything to do with the other?
 

Alceste

Vagabond
This I agree and disagree with you on, from my personal experiences. I see your perspective and another. See, my cuddle-buddies so I called them, were truly good friends. We were physically attracted to each other and to each others personalities, but due to other elements in our lives, we BOTH decided we were not relationship-compatible. I told you guys I am brutally honest about myself... lol. It was a mutual decision to not get into relationship, but we were still attracted to each other on a few levels. It was not degrading to either of us at all. We were good friends with benefits. There was no jealousy, no clinginess, we hung out and had fun and sometimes tackled each other and it was whatever. If we were with other people we were interested in, it was cool, we could all still hang out and there were NO problems. It was like a sort of "friendshio-love, adn that was all.

Yeah, my experience has been similar. The vast majority of my escapades have been with friends, and the majority of them are still my friends. I remember one conversation I had when I was hanging out at a friend's house. We were talking about something else entirely, and he said "Let's go to bed" out of the blue. It was a bit of a shock, and I kind of choked on my coffee and went "But why?" and he said "Because you're single, and I'm single, and I'm attracted to you, and you're attracted to me... at least I hope you are" (I was). So, why not? I trusted him and knew him pretty well, and things never got weird. We're still in touch, and I'm just as fond of him as I ever was.

All in all, looking back, I was always much happier when I was single and hooking up with friends (and friends of friends) once in a while with no strings attached than I was when I got stuck in a monogamous relationship that wasn't right for me in order to try to make sex "legit".
 

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Only if my bf cheated on me behind my back, is when I think something would be lost. If we settled on introducing this new thing into our relationship to provide... I guess you could say, an outside stimulus, being with each other wouldn't lose any of it's special quality, because what we were doing we would be doing together in open dialog. When dialog is not open, or cut off, that is when things go bad I think.

Saint Tigress, you don't have to answer this question if you don't think it's my business, but this statement of yours makes me wonder:

Have you had relationships in the past in which you added another person (or two or three)? If so - why aren't you still with that person?

I'm not saying it can't happen and a relationship still be maintained, but is it a healthy relationship? And the third party - if they mean nothing to you emotionally, is the meaningless sexual relationship healthy for THEM?

I just don't see the need. But then, to be honest, I can truly say that I have absolutely zero desire for any sexual partner other than my husband. I never have, not for one single minute.

When I was married to my ex husband, we had an unhealthy relationship and he had abused my trust many times in many different ways. About a year or so before we ended up getting divorced, I did meet someone randomly (on a business trip) and I was very, very tempted to have an affair. I toyed around with the idea for several weeks. But eventually I realized that the main reason I was attracted to this guy was because he wanted ME - and it was becoming obvious that my husband didn't respect or cherish me. The desire also had a lot to do with my extreme frustration with my life and situation, and a desire to escape a lot of things.

Once I realized all this, I knew that sex with this guy would be nothing more than self destructive. But - it was a wake up call about the state of my marriage, which I had been denying. About a year later, I filed for divorce.

This was the most honorable and honest thing for me to do. I divorced an unfaithful man and ended an unhealthy relationship, and this freed me to find a wonderful man who adores me. I didn't compromise my own values, or do something that was just as disrespectful - to myself, my husband, and the third party - as what my sorry *** husband was doing.

I believe that infidelity in a relationship is indicative of problems within the relationship.
 

dawny0826

Mother Heathen
ok i hope there haven't been any recent threads on promiscuity, but i've been thinking about it for a while.

im assuming the majority of you here believe in sexual exclusivity, that having sexual relations with one specific person for life is the ideal setting. i have heard the arguments that promiscuity is wrong because it is irresponsibly indulging in your desires, and that it leads to treating women like objects rather than people.

my view is that monogamy is unnecessary and is often taught to women as the way she is suppose to live her sex life. sexual monogamy is a way to have women ignore their instincts and those instincts are often condemned as perverse without any justifcation.

so, i would like to know, what are your arguments for sexual monogamy, or against promiscuity?

I don't really have any arguments for or against either. It boils down to personal preference. I think there are practical reasons to embrace or reject either sexual lifestyle.

Regardless as to whether or not you have one or multipe partners, you should take responsibility for your health and make wise decisions to steer from sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy. etc. Those who are promiscous are at greater risk and place others at greater risk for diseases.

I think jerks treat women like objects, end of story. I care enough about myself to refrain from involving myself with losers who see women as meat.
 
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Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
I was always much happier when I was single and hooking up with friends (and friends of friends) once in a while with no strings attached than I was when I got stuck in a monogamous relationship that wasn't right for me in order to try to make sex "legit".

But those aren't the only two options.

The third option is to be in a monogamous relationship with a person because you both adore each other and want that adoration to be expressed in part through sex. You want the sex in the relationship to be an extension of that adoration and an expression of trust and sacrifice.

Plus it's cool - like your own little secret world...
 

MysticSang'ha

Big Squishy Hugger
Premium Member
If you love to be monogamous, that's fine. I don't judge.

Not everybody is wired that way. If someone is polyamorous, that doesn't make them lacking in character. To accuse such is as insulting as calling monogamous people "unevolved."

I have enjoyed sex in monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationships, and the single free-for-alls. Like Alceste, I have absolutely no regrets.
 
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