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Is jealousy bad?

Vasilisa Jade

Formerly Saint Tigeress
I trust John, and if he ever decides he wants to leave, then I would want him to leave. I don't want him as a prisoner.

I think what really angers me about people making advances to John is that I feel disrespected; it seems to me they're behaving as if I'm not there or don't matter. But I realize that's my problem, too.


I have had crazy drunk girls make advances on my boyfriend, right in front of me. Once was when we were in a bar in Detroit. This obviously crazy ***** walks up to both of us, speaking to my boyfriend and says, "Were you that guy... the was driving behind me earlier today following me?" My boyfriend kind fo raises his eyebrows and says no. Then she just carries on acting drunk and blonde and tries to pull him away to her table of friends. I interrupted and said I'm sorry but we were actually leaving. And we left. That's happened a few times. My boyfriend is a crazy ***** magnet. That was probably the worst pick up line I have heard thus far though. lol.
 

Kilgore Trout

Misanthropic Humanist
Jealousy is an emotional response caused by a threat to a resource which is "yours." From a purely pragmatic perspective, if this emtional response causes you to do things which result in maintaining "ownership" of this resource, then it is good for you. If jealousy causes you to do things which result in losing "ownership" of this resource, then it is bad for you. It is rarely a good thing, as the resources which generally cause jealousy cannot be owned in the first place.
 

DallasApple

Depends Upon My Mood..
If jealousy causes you to do things which result in losing "ownership" of this resource, then it is bad for you.

Its not necesarrily that you lose "ownership" because as you said if its something you never owned.In some cases "jealousy" can lead to you taking actions to RID (not lose) something or someone voluntarlily because they have crossed a boundery clearly defined and agreed upon not to cross with each other.Or the action you take due to jelaousy may send a clear message you will not tolerate whatever it is causing you to be jelaous and the other person has a "choice" to keep you or not keep you.

Jeolousy IOW can lead you to "reject" certain actions or behavoirs from others that you arent willing to tolerate because they are painful to you.Like Smoke mentioned even that you are "feeling " disrespected"..Well sometimes you ARE being disrespected and its not just a "feeling".

Love

Dallas
 

Mindful

Member
This is kind of a question about monogamy, but I suppose it's universal. If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

More generally, if something is supposed to belong to you (for example, if someone promised to be "yours") should you not feel jealous if that something is taken from you?

It is an inappropriate response. In some case it might be beneficial to all parties. If the relationship violates your vows a discussion possibly followed by professional counseling would be appropriate.
 

Draka

Wonder Woman
It is one thing to be protective or even defend your other half, but most of the times jealousy is not merely those things. Jealousy can breed into suspicion, paranoia and accusations. Speaking from experience, jealousy can definitely push away that which you are so possessive of. My ex-husband was such a jealous person it eventually got to the point where I was not to have male friends. I was not even to talk to any guys and if I did then it became a round of flying accusations. Needless to say, I wasn't just going to drop my male friends and I certainly wasn't going to police who I could and could not chat with. So the relationship devolved into lots of cheating accusations. I tell you what, as much as I was accused of cheating...I should have done it. I filed for divorce though. But I will say, it didn't take long after I filed for divorce for me to move on. The jealousy and possessiveness killed any love I think I ever had for that man. Mind you, what started out as flattering extra attention from him and being protective of "his woman" did to degrade to total jealous paranoia in the span of just a couple years. Even a little jealousy, if not nipped in the bud, can progress into something horrendous. this is why I say trust is so important. If you can learn to trust your partner completely, and they you, then there should be no cause for jealousy. also respect comes into that as well. Obviously don't cut yourself off from friends (as my ex wanted me to do) but don't flirt or go to far. Even if that is what you did when you first met, you were single then (assumedly) and you are now in a relationship and must show your partner the respect that being in a relationship entails.
 

Smoke

Done here.
Like Smoke mentioned even that you are "feeling " disrespected"..Well sometimes you ARE being disrespected and its not just a "feeling".
But the question remains why I should care about being disrespected by some boob I don't know and don't care to know.
 

Smoke

Done here.
Jealousy can breed into suspicion, paranoia and accusations.
Oh, I don't have that kind of jealousy. John's always teasing me about his supposed exploits, and it doesn't bother me at all.

B: What do you have planned for today?

J: I thought I'd go see my boyfriend.

B: Ask him if he's got a friend for me.
 

MysticSang'ha

Big Squishy Hugger
Premium Member
You can't own someone, but someone can give themselves to you.

I have to disagree with this. I can give my time, my material possessions, and my considerations and compassion to someone. But there is no way I can give my self or my being to another person. My husband is my partner with whom I share what I accomplish and endure in my life.

Perhaps you can justify it any way you want, but you're usually a lot happier without jealousy.

Agreed. Now, where's my money?
 

DallasApple

Depends Upon My Mood..
Oh, I don't have that kind of jealousy. John's always teasing me about his supposed exploits, and it doesn't bother me at all.

B: What do you have planned for today?

J: I thought I'd go see my boyfriend.

B: Ask him if he's got a friend for me.

But the question remains why I should care about being disrespected by some boob I don't know and don't care to know.

You shouldnt care because their is no real threat.

Im talking about if its your significant other that is disrespecting you.Or you feel "neglected' in some way like Hannahs example and its hurting the relationship.

Love

Dallas
 

tomspug

Absorbant
So you believe jealous people are happier than people who are not jealous? If so, you and I have very little in common on this issue.
Jealousy isn't a character quality, it's a state of being. Experiencing jealousy doesn't make you a "jealous person" (whatever that means). I would argue that it is impossible to not be jealous unless you eliminate desire from your life, and then I'd feel very sorry for you.
 

tomspug

Absorbant
Jealousy pointless and a waste of energy, I feel.

It's bred out of fear. Fear of loss, fear of inadequacy...
I think that we as a people have come to fear that which is normal. For example, we convince ourselves that anger is ALWAYS bad, or that fear is ALWAYS bad, likewise something like jealousy.

Well, fear is NOT bad. And anger is NOT bad. They are emotions. They are responses to circumstances and they are natural. What matters is what we DO with those feelings, that is what defines our character, not the feelings themselves.

When you stifle feelings, you cease to be human. You are acting out of the irrational fear of flaws, which are inherent. I'm not saying you ACT on those feelings, but they should be felt, and to imply that someone who feels those things is wrong... is WRONG.

So what if I feel fear? Fear can save your life. Anger can defeat injustice. Jealousy, I would argue, can save your relationship, when you suddenly realize that you might lose someone because you took that person for granted. Jealousy might save your marriage!
 

tomspug

Absorbant
It is one thing to be protective or even defend your other half, but most of the times jealousy is not merely those things. Jealousy can breed into suspicion, paranoia and accusations. Speaking from experience, jealousy can definitely push away that which you are so possessive of. My ex-husband was such a jealous person it eventually got to the point where I was not to have male friends. I was not even to talk to any guys and if I did then it became a round of flying accusations. Needless to say, I wasn't just going to drop my male friends and I certainly wasn't going to police who I could and could not chat with. So the relationship devolved into lots of cheating accusations. I tell you what, as much as I was accused of cheating...I should have done it. I filed for divorce though. But I will say, it didn't take long after I filed for divorce for me to move on. The jealousy and possessiveness killed any love I think I ever had for that man. Mind you, what started out as flattering extra attention from him and being protective of "his woman" did to degrade to total jealous paranoia in the span of just a couple years. Even a little jealousy, if not nipped in the bud, can progress into something horrendous. this is why I say trust is so important. If you can learn to trust your partner completely, and they you, then there should be no cause for jealousy. also respect comes into that as well. Obviously don't cut yourself off from friends (as my ex wanted me to do) but don't flirt or go to far. Even if that is what you did when you first met, you were single then (assumedly) and you are now in a relationship and must show your partner the respect that being in a relationship entails.
Thanks for sharing, Draka! Yeah, even though I'm arguing harshly in defense of jealousy, I actually agree that it is by and large an excuse for us to jump to conclusions and lead us to hurt people. In general, I feel that we should always be wary of our emotions, because they are completely limited by what is available to us at the time, which means that they are not very useful for SOLVING problems. What I have learned from my wife, however, is that feelings, regardless of whether or not they are logical, MUST be validated because they are an outpouring of the soul and, in my mind, the epitome of honesty.

What I have learned from experience is that failing to communicate feelings almost always results in destruction. Stifling your own feelings from yourself is something I continue to struggle with. We believe the lie that emotions are weak because emotions cause us to act inefficiently. But what I'm trying to learn is how emotions reveal the state of your soul. If you stifle emotions, you are not allowing yourself to deal with the reality of yourself. In an attempt to create order, you create chaos. And in a relationship, this internal chaos may keep up the illusion of order, but inside, as an individual, you feel like a wreck.

What does this have to do with jealousy? Well, if I'm feeling jealous, I should ACKNOWLEDGE it and then TELL my wife about it. I cannot think of any possible way that doing this would be bad for our relationship, nor can I see how jealousy CAUSED anything immoral to occur. Now, if jealousy caused me to act AGAINST someone else, then it is wrong, in the same way that any emotion that prompts an attack is wrong. If someone is to be attacked, it should be justified by code and conduct, not emotions.
 
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