Is jealousy bad?

This is kind of a question about monogamy, but I suppose it's universal. If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

More generally, if something is supposed to belong to you (for example, if someone promised to be "yours") should you not feel jealous if that something is taken from you?

I get jealous sometimes. For instance, if Baggins started wanting to be with my sister all the time instead of me, I'd feel sad that maybe he doesn't love me the most anymore. I also get jealous when people have stuff I want, for instance, if someone is rich and they have a huge swimming pool, I'll be jealous, because I want a huge swimming pool too. I think getting jealous is pretty normal. But you aren't supposed to actually own other people.

You can't own someone, but someone can give themselves to you.

i'd say it's a useful response. burning and seething with jealousy unneccesarily is destructive, imo, but getting a little irritated and putting your foot down if your partner is getting overly friendly with someone isn't a bad thing.

Perhaps you can justify it any way you want, but you're usually a lot happier without jealousy.

tomspug said:

This is kind of a question about monogamy, but I suppose it's universal. If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

More generally, if something is supposed to belong to you (for example, if someone promised to be "yours") should you not feel jealous if that something is taken from you?

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Jealousy is desire, and desire is something that shouldn't be grasped. It will cause suffering. The emotion itself isn't bad, but not letting it go is. Of course on the flip side it lets the person know they should have a talk to the other person.

jealousy is only a good thing when other people are jealous of me.

Sunstone said:

Perhaps you can justify it any way you want, but you're usually a lot happier without jealousy.

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well, i'd say it depends on what you do with that jealousy. a lot of times it causes more trouble and misunderstanding than good.

if you act on it, right something that's wrong, and then let it go, that's fine. if you let it fester and grow and consume you, that's wrong and hurtful, to you and ultimately to your partner. it's better to talk than keep it bottled up.

tomspug said:

This is kind of a question about monogamy, but I suppose it's universal. If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

More generally, if something is supposed to belong to you (for example, if someone promised to be "yours") should you not feel jealous if that something is taken from you?

Click to expand...

I don't think jealousy is helpful or healthy. However, John is more mature about it than I am; he doesn't care what I do as long as I come home. I've been known to say things like, "If you put your hands on my husband again, I'm going to knock you out."

Jealousy can only exist when trust is absent.

Draka said:

Jealousy can only exist when trust is absent.

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I don't know about that... You might be jealous that your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is hanging out with another person just because you don't get to see them as much. It might not mean that you don't trust them. You just wish they'd spend more time with you.

tomspug said:

This is kind of a question about monogamy, but I suppose it's universal. If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

More generally, if something is supposed to belong to you (for example, if someone promised to be "yours") should you not feel jealous if that something is taken from you?

Click to expand...

Your last question indicates that in evolutionary terms jealousy might be a useful response. But in practical terms, you can't "own" anyone nowdays. A trend of attraction in a partner towards someone else is painful to endure no doubt.

ayani said:

well, i'd say it depends on what you do with that jealousy. a lot of times it causes more trouble and misunderstanding than good.

if you act on it, right something that's wrong, and then let it go, that's fine. if you let it fester and grow and consume you, that's wrong and hurtful, to you and ultimately to your partner. it's better to talk than keep it bottled up.

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So you believe jealous people are happier than people who are not jealous? If so, you and I have very little in common on this issue.

tomspug said:

This is kind of a question about monogamy, but I suppose it's universal. If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

Click to expand...

It is a natural response. It is not good nor bad. It is not immoral. Possible reactions from this natural emotion might be immoral, but not the feeling itself. It shows a lack of self-confidence. How you address this is the most important reaction of all. It could also show a lack of confidence in the relationship and the other person. The whole lack of confidence is the root of jealousy, and it needs to be addressed with the self and evaluated with the relationship and the other person.

More generally, if something is supposed to belong to you (for example, if someone promised to be "yours") should you not feel jealous if that something is taken from you?

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This is a problem with power. You feel powerless when something which is yours is taken from you. You have to put this emotion into perspective. Nothing has been taken yet. You have a fear of it being taken. This fear needs to be addressed.

There should be no room for jealousy. You might want to be alert... aware... cautious... but you should be confident in yourself and your partner. If you cannot be confident in her then you must reevaluate where this lack of confidence in her stems from. Sometimes when you reach the root you realize you were overreacting, and other times you realize it was a valid reaction. Even when it is valid you should snuff out the jealousy and be confident in yourself. Do not be a victim of circumstance. Do not overanalyze her relationship. Let her have freedom and make sure you have freedom as well. The most jealous people are always the cheaters themselves.

Friend tomspug,

Jealousy is normal when the mind [thoughts] are at play.
AS friend Xiao Shu explained is due to DESIRE which arises in the form of THOUGHTS in the mind.

If you are married to someone and they start to develop a closer relationship with someone else (regardless of whether or not it is romantic), is jealousy an inappropriate response? Is it an immoral response?

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Here we can see some thoughts come into play which is leading towards distrusting the partner as friend Draka too brought up.
BUT the root of it is the mind.
Religion is all about STILLING that very MIND to deprive the mind os THOUGHTS starting with negative ones and then any.
Or else keep suffering and all suffering is hellish.
Love & rgds

Just to tell my own personal story...

I have always handled jealousy well. My girlfriends... not so much. I matchmaker'd one of my close gf's with one of my close guy friends, who previously did not know each other. She had a melt down because her mom was there to pick her up right when the pizza arrived at his house. She wanted us to go with her, but we were hungry and we paid for pizza, so we stayed and ate pizza and rode home with his dad.

She did not like us being there because she was so self conscious and I guess she compared herself to us. She would make instant enemies with her current boyfriends previous girlfriends, and be mean to them just because of that.

I made friends with my current boyfriend's previous ex's, because I want to know why they dumped him.

My boyfriend now is the first unjealous boyfriend I have ever had, and it is beautiful. We both go out with our different friends to different parties, then we meet up later. He can go out while I stay at home sometimes and vice versa.

I did get upset one time. He was always going over to this girl Kates house, which was fine. But one day I had been telling him all day that I was fiending. I wanted him naked and waiting for me when I got home. What does he do? Go drink at Kate's. :fight:

I was MAD... not because he went to Kates in particular. But because I got **** blocked by booze and his penis whacking friends. He knows how mad that makes me. He didn't get laid for a few weeks after that. lol.

Jealousy pointless and a waste of energy, I feel.

It's bred out of fear. Fear of loss, fear of inadequacy...

If you truly loved, there would be no fear. There's the understanding that you don't "own" the other, that you would let the other go with love, if they chose to go with another.

Jealousy is neither inappropriate nor immoral. It's understandable. But a total waste of time an energy? Definately. It also causes needless worry.

Jealousy does not appeal to me in any way.

I don't want it in my relationships.

I cannot comment about jealousy being inappropriate or immoral. That decision is entirely in the mind of the person experiencing it.
I know from my own experience that it is quite painful. I know when I feel it I feel sorry for myself and blame someone else for causing it.
Holding jealousy is incredibly draining physically, emotionally and psychologically and when held to long it will lead to illness in any or all these parts of you. Eliminating it is difficult if not impossible. Choose not to give it your attention and allow it to pass.

Draka said:

Jealousy can only exist when trust is absent.

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I trust John, and if he ever decides he wants to leave, then I would want him to leave. I don't want him as a prisoner.

I think what really angers me about people making advances to John is that I feel disrespected; it seems to me they're behaving as if I'm not there or don't matter. But I realize that's my problem, too.