These were e-mailed to me so I thought I'd share for a giggle.
Mistaken Identity
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
Little girl and her neighbour
One Sunday afternoon a little girl was happily walking home from Kids Church reading her bible. When she arrived at her driveway, her grumpy neighbour noticed what the little girl was doing and asked roughly, "What are you reading, girl?"
The little girl replied gently, "My bible. The part where a man called Jonah got swallowed by a big fish and God saved him."
At this, the neighbour snickered and scoffed, "The bible is a made-up book! How could a man survive in the stomach of a fish?"
The girl answered, "Well, when I'm in heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The neighbour laughed more and arrogantly asked, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?"
The little girl thought long and hard about this question then replied quietly, "Then you can ask him."
Measuring Time in Heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who offers to give him a tour of heaven.
As the man walks around, he notices many clocks. Some go very fast, while others move very slowly.
When the tour is done, the man asks St. Peter why some clocks move at varied speeds. St. Peter replies, "Each clock represents a person. Every time you lie, your clock speeds up. As you can see, people's clocks are separated by career. Over here are teachers, and over there are doctors, for example."
The man nods. "Where are the politicians' clocks?" he asks.
St. Peter replies, "We're using them in the back as air conditioners."
The Taxi Driver and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
The Bill Gates of Heaven
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"True," Peter replied, "but the Titanic only crashed once."
No Chances
A wealthy American took his wife and mother in law to Jerusalem for a holiday.
While they were there the mother in law died.
The American went to the embassy to arrange to have the body sent back home for burial.
He was told by a rather officious clerk that the costs were huge... US $28,000 to send the body back to the US.
The clerk suggested "most people would rather bury the person here and have a memorial service in the US, that way the cost would only be $150.
If you need some time to think it over, we have a private room where you can have some privacy to think."
The American replied "No, that won't be necessary, it's very important that I take her back to the US."
The clerk was amazed "I have never seen anyone with such great love for their mother in law. You made that decision so quickly!"
The American replied "Well it's not really that, it's just that I heard a story about some guy who lived here about 2 thousand years ago, who died and then rose again just 3 days later - I'm not prepared take that chance!"
4 Parachutes - 5 people??
An aircraft was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..."So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Howard , said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation. And above all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in Australian history, so Australia's people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack."
A mother and her small daughter were overheard talking. The daughter asked her mother "Mummy, why are we here ?"
The mother was confounded but finally responded "We are here to help those less fortunate then us".
The small girl thought for a moment and asked "But why are THEY here ??"
Kids and Religion
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... but please don't shove me either!"
******
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
******
A little boy was overheard praying, "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
******
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song; they give him $100."
The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
******
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
******
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
******
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother,"she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Mistaken Identity
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
Little girl and her neighbour
One Sunday afternoon a little girl was happily walking home from Kids Church reading her bible. When she arrived at her driveway, her grumpy neighbour noticed what the little girl was doing and asked roughly, "What are you reading, girl?"
The little girl replied gently, "My bible. The part where a man called Jonah got swallowed by a big fish and God saved him."
At this, the neighbour snickered and scoffed, "The bible is a made-up book! How could a man survive in the stomach of a fish?"
The girl answered, "Well, when I'm in heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The neighbour laughed more and arrogantly asked, "What if Jonah isn't in heaven?"
The little girl thought long and hard about this question then replied quietly, "Then you can ask him."
Measuring Time in Heaven
A man dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who offers to give him a tour of heaven.
As the man walks around, he notices many clocks. Some go very fast, while others move very slowly.
When the tour is done, the man asks St. Peter why some clocks move at varied speeds. St. Peter replies, "Each clock represents a person. Every time you lie, your clock speeds up. As you can see, people's clocks are separated by career. Over here are teachers, and over there are doctors, for example."
The man nods. "Where are the politicians' clocks?" he asks.
St. Peter replies, "We're using them in the back as air conditioners."
The Taxi Driver and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," explains Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
The Bill Gates of Heaven
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"True," Peter replied, "but the Titanic only crashed once."
No Chances
A wealthy American took his wife and mother in law to Jerusalem for a holiday.
While they were there the mother in law died.
The American went to the embassy to arrange to have the body sent back home for burial.
He was told by a rather officious clerk that the costs were huge... US $28,000 to send the body back to the US.
The clerk suggested "most people would rather bury the person here and have a memorial service in the US, that way the cost would only be $150.
If you need some time to think it over, we have a private room where you can have some privacy to think."
The American replied "No, that won't be necessary, it's very important that I take her back to the US."
The clerk was amazed "I have never seen anyone with such great love for their mother in law. You made that decision so quickly!"
The American replied "Well it's not really that, it's just that I heard a story about some guy who lived here about 2 thousand years ago, who died and then rose again just 3 days later - I'm not prepared take that chance!"
4 Parachutes - 5 people??
An aircraft was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..."So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Howard , said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a great nation. And above all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in Australian history, so Australia's people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister has taken my school backpack."
A mother and her small daughter were overheard talking. The daughter asked her mother "Mummy, why are we here ?"
The mother was confounded but finally responded "We are here to help those less fortunate then us".
The small girl thought for a moment and asked "But why are THEY here ??"
Kids and Religion
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... but please don't shove me either!"
******
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
******
A little boy was overheard praying, "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
******
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song; they give him $100."
The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
******
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
******
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
******
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother,"she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
