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Childhood differences

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
Trigger warning this is dark
Title: Childhood differences
You were raised on love
I was raised on survival
Can you really understand?
I scored a 9 out of 10 on the ACE
Adversive childhood experiences test
And that's not even half what I've been through.
Can you understand?
When you been raised on love..
How I'm always on edge
Why I fear conflict like the plague.
How can you when you've never felt
The danger close
The pain of abuse.
You probably won't notice the care I take
The way I tip toe around the house careful not to make a sound
How I rage with simple things
Communications so strange...
You talk to me with care
I don't get it I don't understand
When I make you mad why you speak so calm.
I don't understand when you compliment me
Say that I do well.
The gentleness in your actions
When I cry why do you comfort
Rather then laugh or cause me harm?
I don't understand you
You were raised on love.
I was raised on survival
Can we really understand each other
When we are worlds apart?



Note: it was a huge culture shock the group home. Thinking on that culture shock inspired this.
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
Title: Childhood differences
You were raised on love
I was raised on survival
Can you really understand?
I scored a 9 out of 10 on the ACE
Adversive childhood experiences test
And that's not even half what I've been through.
Can you understand?
When you been raised on love..
How I'm always on edge
Why I fear conflict like the plague.
How can you when you've never felt
The danger close
The pain of abuse.
You probably won't notice the care I take
The way I tip toe around the house careful not to make a sound
How I rage with simple things
Communications so strange...
You talk to me with care
I don't get it I don't understand
When I make you mad why you speak so calm.
I don't understand when you compliment me
Say that I do well.
The gentleness in your actions
When I cry why do you comfort
Rather then laugh or cause me harm?
I don't understand you
You were raised on love.
I was raised on survival
Can we really understand each other
When we are worlds apart?



Note: it was a huge culture shock the group home. Thinking on that culture shock inspired this.
This is the ACE test if anyone is curious:
upload_2022-5-19_9-15-41.png
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
@Guitar's Cry
You like reading my poetry and I like sharing my poems with pretty much everyone so I'm tagging you. Feel free not to read the poem if you don't want to its not as dark as the poem I sent you with me talking to my inner child but trauma is the theme like most my poems
 
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Guitar's Cry

Disciple of Pan
Trigger warning this is dark
Title: Childhood differences
You were raised on love
I was raised on survival
Can you really understand?
I scored a 9 out of 10 on the ACE
Adversive childhood experiences test
And that's not even half what I've been through.
Can you understand?
When you been raised on love..
How I'm always on edge
Why I fear conflict like the plague.
How can you when you've never felt
The danger close
The pain of abuse.
You probably won't notice the care I take
The way I tip toe around the house careful not to make a sound
How I rage with simple things
Communications so strange...
You talk to me with care
I don't get it I don't understand
When I make you mad why you speak so calm.
I don't understand when you compliment me
Say that I do well.
The gentleness in your actions
When I cry why do you comfort
Rather then laugh or cause me harm?
I don't understand you
You were raised on love.
I was raised on survival
Can we really understand each other
When we are worlds apart?



Note: it was a huge culture shock the group home. Thinking on that culture shock inspired this.

Poignant! And yes, this is hard to understand emotionally.
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
I had an incident happened with staff at the group home yesterday that really drives this point home.
Staff at the group home decided to help me try and clean my room. My room is usually neat if it's not I uncontrollably freak out due to past trauma with the exception of some things. It's also not tooo neat cuz if I care about my room I start getting obsessive spend hours cleaning it then start crying uncontrollably cuz it'll never be clean enough. Basically I keep my room neat enough to not to freak me out but not start cleaning it enough that I freak the hell out. So staff telling me that I need to clean my room when it looks neat to me causes me to panick and feel fear. I freak the hell out. Staff was like it's pretty neat just state is an *** so you need to organize it a little more. Me: (yells not cuz I'm mad but cuz I'm scared) it's neat what's wrong with it? Sorry don't mean to yell im panicking and freaking out cuz im scared.
Staff: why you scared we ain't going to hurt you
Me: Logically I know that. Emotionally im freaking out due to past trauma.


We had a bit of conversation.Staff kept reassuring me they weren't going to hurt me and i just kept raging and flipping out. Then apologizing over and over letting them know i was not mad I know they ain't going to hurt me i just was freaking out cuz of past events. Staff here was understanding. I managed to calm down enough and fix what they wanted fixed then I sat in my closet for a little bit cuz I was still anxious.

Someone raised on love might not have understood why I was so freaked out. They'd be like logically you know you are safe so why panick? But my emotions didn't know I was safe and the body remembers what the mind would ignore. This staff member while I dont know if she was raised on love or survival or something else but didn't raise her voice at me. She didn't get upset at me yelling at her. Even tho she didn't and knew I wasn't trying to yell I kept getting scared cuz I yelled and I kept freaking out more and started apologizing even tho she kept saying it's ok no need to apologize

Just thought I'd share this to give y'all an example.
 
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Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
I don't understand when you compliment me
This is one that's been bothering me lately. Anything beyond routine pleasantries and I panic. It's to the point I'm more comfortable with confrontation and conflict than I am with friendly and personal discussions. I've built up thick emotional armor and learned how to use words as weapons. And that's to protect a scared and hurting self deep inside that doesn't like to come out.
I can think of all sorts of confrontational scenarios in my head. But that was my childhood and many parts of my adulthood. But encounters that are the opposite is a very different situation and I struggle with it.
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
@stvdv

Reading this quote:
Yes, and of course, just like you, I had to learn that one too;)

I even already thought of it when reading your previous reply "I don't know always how to respond to..."

Well you did well, learning this skill too

Interesting, isn't it, how much alike we are, reacting and becoming so similar by similar upbringing. Should make psychology a very easy job

Just a thought I now had, a bit of a deep one. If we react so similar, then maybe at our core we are identical. Wow.
@stvdvRF
Reminded me of this poem. It's likely you see similarities due to how our childhoods were. Not being able to accept kind words for instance is a common trauma response.


Edit: im betting you can relate to this poem tho I hope not.
 
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stvdv

Veteran Member: I Share (not Debate) my POV
@stvdv

Reading this quote:

Reminded me of this poem. It's likely you see similarities due to how our childhoods were. Not being able to accept kind words for instance is a common trauma response.


Edit: im betting you can relate to this poem tho I hope not.
This morning you discovered a missing link in someone elses post

Now I think you forgot a link, right? :)
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
I think "maybe you are going to share another link, but it could mean the previous poem


This definitely indicates to me to another poem, but which one, I don't see it
ah. Do you mean why I tagged you in this? Scroll up. This thread has a poem in the OP that i wrote. At the very top the post labeled #1
 

stvdv

Veteran Member: I Share (not Debate) my POV
ah. Do you mean why I tagged you in this? Scroll up. This thread has a poem in the OP that i wrote. At the very top the post labeled #1
Okay, now I understand

We were both posting and sharing in the OP "What Is Your Biggest Self-Taught Subject or Skill?"

Then you quote me from "what is your Biggest..."

And copy/pasted it in your thread "Childhood differences"

I've never done that, hence I lost track of where I was... like going from one dimension into another:D

But now I am back on track;)

First thought in the new thread of yours "Childhood differences" is... aha, we had quite a few "Childhood similarities"

I'll read your poem in OP now
 
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VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
Okay, now I understand

We were both posting and sharing in the OP "What Is Your Biggest Self-Taught Subject or Skill?"

Then you quote me from "what is your Biggest..."

And copy/pasted it in your thread "Childhood differences"

I've never done that, hence I lost track of where I was... like going from one diminension into another:D

But now I am back on track;)

First thought in the new thread of yours "Childhood differences" is... aha, we had quite a few "Childhood similarities"

I'll read your poem in OP now
I thought you could relate to how im feeling in the poem so i thought I'd tag you
 

stvdv

Veteran Member: I Share (not Debate) my POV
Trigger warning this is dark
"this is dark", meaning you went through a horrible childhood and your parents hurt you a lot

That/how you write these poems is "not dark" though. Very useful, also for me and others who can relate (to some extend)

Title: Childhood differences
You were raised on love
I was raised on survival
Can you really understand?
I scored a 9 out of 10 on the ACE
That's intense. And very true also.

Now I see that your childhood was much more tough than mine. Also very different from mine, as my parents wanted to do good, but my father had huge emotional unsolved issues (narcissistic) which he imposed on me, and I got messed up by that.

I got emotionally messed up so much that even I myself did not understand.
1) I was unable to "feel".
2) I never knew what I wanted in life,
(because it didn't matter what I wanted, my feelings were crushed (all emotionally, never physically, except once, but that one my father did very well. He hit me hard at age 5, then explained why he did it, and I was at that age very smart, so I agreed, he had a very valid point, so the physical punishment did not even bother me at all))
3) I wanted to dress as a girl, probably because my sisters got a different treatment
4) I was hiding many times for hours in a cupboard when young, out of despair, unhappiness

How I'm always on edge
Why I fear conflict like the plague.
When I post on RF, I always think when receiving a reply "what did I do wrong now" and feel a knot in my stomach...still from childhood, always on edge for emotional pain for b3ing not good enough

The danger close
The pain of abuse.
I really wish you all the best. Physically abusing a harmless and innocent child is horrible abuse

I don't understand you
You were raised on love.
I was raised on survival
Can we really understand each other
When we are worlds apart?
So true. Others who never went through your pain can not really understand

Thank you for sharing your poetry
And Blessings to you @RayofLight
 

stvdv

Veteran Member: I Share (not Debate) my POV
It was both physical and emotional abuse. And...
Covert sexual abuse aka emotional incest.

Also some neglect
Terrible. How a father can do it to their little girl I don't understand. The problem is that such parents are not emotional grown up. And this happens a lot nowadays

With all you have gone through what in your opinion are the most important virtues of parents for opbringing children in a good way?
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
Terrible. How a father can do it to their little girl I don't understand. The problem is that such parents are not emotional grown up. And this happens a lot nowadays

With all you have gone through what in your opinion are the most important virtues of parents for opbringing children in a good way?
It wasn't my father and im not a girl but nonbinary. I've been in multiple homes.

As for upbringing...treat the kids as people.


Edit: my father did neglect me but that's the only abuse hes inflected
 
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