Why? explain please
I was a very devout Catholic for a few years. I made the decision to convert when I was 16 and went through the process of RCIA and was baptized and confirmed at Easter Vigil 2007. I was a member of my Diocesan Youth Council, went to the National Catholic Youth Conference, went on a mission trip and almost joined a religious order. So I did believe strongly in the Christian god at one point.
But I've come to the conclusion that the Christian god is a spiritual parasite of sorts. Especially in Western Christianity (Catholicism and its nasty Protestant offshoots). This entity obviously (from experience) seems to love human suffering, especially through guilt and shame. I ended up torturing myself spiritually and psychologically the more I tried to draw closer to this being. I hated my questions I had, my sexual aspects, books, films and music I loved (and myself for loving them). It crippled me. But I came to a point where I realized I didn't need this entity to protect me from anything. I could protect myself from malevolent spirits. What this entity wanted from me was unquestioned love above anything and everyone in my life. I tried to go along with that but ended up rejecting Jesus' teachings as inane and unrealistic. Psychologically harmful.
So I reconnected with my more rebellious, Left-Hand Path side. I looked into more LHP currents of Hinduism, for example. That keep leading me back to the Indian Goddess, Kali. This was around when my mom was dying of pancreatic cancer and I had to go through it by myself with no family or friends to help me. But I had experiences with Kali that showed me that she was there and, instead of a simplistic notion of "love", it was understanding and liberation she gave me. There was no notion of "sin" or repentance...just mindfulness and a feeling of connection to the vast Cosmos.
During that time, no one from church helped me and I was actually turned away when I wanted to take Communion with my mom (which would've been the last time before she died). So Christ's followers weren't with me then.
Anyway, to cut things short, I read a lot about the Islamic view of God and a friend introduced me to the Jewish view of God. What I got from that is that they have views that are very similar to the Hindu view of Brahman being the Ultimate Reality, rather than an anthropomorphic deity that has human-like needs for love and places all these moralistic demands on us.
I eventually gravitated towards Germanic polytheism and my LHP beliefs but I still retain a belief in a Supreme Being/Ultimate Reality that is akin to my views of Kali. I find that Odin is very similar and just as intense as Kali is. He is not moralistic and it's more about being in harmony with the universal fabric of things, than following a bunch of arbitrary rules.