I would blow my heart open.....

[gnomon]

So that you believe....

This heart is one for you.........
One for you to grieve.........

That if this heart is broken....
It's broken for you to grieve....

Cause this heart is only for you....
And for you and unto you only me....

For love is that which is stolen......
To bring two hearts to one.......

And in that stealth that these hearts are one.......
Only then love cannot be undone..........

For that is when two loves witness.....
That they are two unto one........

 

[gnomon]

I want a serious critique because I'm thinking of joining Hallmark.

 

[gnomon]

Else I'm gong the Charles Buckowski version of greeting cards.......involving hard whiskey.........

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

I want a serious critique because I'm thinking of joining Hallmark.

Sorry, your writing is too deep for Hallmark. Try putting less thought into it next time.

 

[gnomon]

Sorry, your writing is too deep for Hallmark. Try putting less thought into it next time.

So I cannot quit my current job.

Damn.

Think it would melt my current GF's heart?

I'm actually seeking some serious critique..........

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

So I cannot quit my current job.

Damn.

Think it would melt my current GF's heart?

Probably. Assuming you wrote it explicitly for her.

I'm actually seeking some serious critique..........

I am letting the words steep in my brain...allow me time and I will provide you with an impression.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

Personally, I would consider removing the ellipses. "Stealth" was an unusual choice of words. Consider replacing with "scheme." How would that work?

 

[Kathryn]

So that you believe....

This heart is one for you.........
One for you to grieve.........

That if this heart is broken....
It's broken for you to grieve....

Cause this heart is only for you....
And for you and unto you only me....

For love is that which is stolen......
To bring two hearts to one.......

And in that stealth that these hearts are one.......
Only then love cannot be undone..........

For that is when two loves witness.....
That they are two unto one........

OK you asked for it!

First of all, I like the repeat of the word and imagery of "one."

The "stealth" line - I like the tie in of "stealth" with the "stolen" in the previous line, but this line seems awkward. What about "And in this stealth our hearts are one"? Too many "thats" in the original line in my opinion. By the way, I know that you're using "stealth" more creatively than precisely in this line, but I like it.

Speaking of "thats" - try "And if this heart is broken" rather than "that if this heart is broken" and see if it works. Too many "thats" in this poem, and I feel like I'm tripping over them.

Here is my suggestion - keeping your excellent imagery and what I think are your concepts, but tweaking it a bit:

This heart is one for you,
One for you to seize,

And if this heart is broken,
It's broken for you to grieve.

Because this heart is yours alone
For you, unto you only me.

For love is that which is stolen
And brings two hearts to one,

And in this stealth our hearts are one,
Only then can love be not undone.



I would leave the last stanza off - it seems redundant.

Just my personal opinion!

As for giving it to your girlfriend - I don't know enough about your relationship with her to say whether or not she's ready for it. It's pretty heavy duty. But if you two are very serious and committed totally to each other, she will probably like it. If not, it may scare her.

 

[beenherebeforeagain]

Else I'm gong the Charles Buckowski version of greeting cards.......involving hard whiskey.........

I'd much rather get Buckowski cards than hallmark...

 

[gnomon]

Personally, I would consider removing the ellipses. "Stealth" was an unusual choice of words. Consider replacing with "scheme." How would that work?

I really do like that suggestion. Thank you.

 

[gnomon]

OK you asked for it!

First of all, I like the repeat of the word and imagery of "one."

The "stealth" line - I like the tie in of "stealth" with the "stolen" in the previous line, but this line seems awkward. What about "And in this stealth our hearts are one"? Too many "thats" in the original line in my opinion. By the way, I know that you're using "stealth" more creatively than precisely in this line, but I like it.

Speaking of "thats" - try "And if this heart is broken" rather than "that if this heart is broken" and see if it works. Too many "thats" in this poem, and I feel like I'm tripping over them.

Here is my suggestion - keeping your excellent imagery and what I think are your concepts, but tweaking it a bit:

This heart is one for you,
One for you to seize,

And if this heart is broken,
It's broken for you to grieve.

Because this heart is yours alone
For you, unto you only me.

For love is that which is stolen
And brings two hearts to one,

And in this stealth our hearts are one,
Only then can love be not undone.



I would leave the last stanza off - it seems redundant.

Just my personal opinion!

As for giving it to your girlfriend - I don't know enough about your relationship with her to say whether or not she's ready for it. It's pretty heavy duty. But if you two are very serious and committed totally to each other, she will probably like it. If not, it may scare her.

Actually Kathryn......I really do like your revision.

And yes.....my girlfriend was in my mind. I told her that after our first meeting my heart burst open and and wild horses ran away with my emotions while I lost control of the reigns.

We are quite serious in our relationship, after two months..........but I'll leave out the landmines in the complexities of that relationship.

Actually thank you those of you who responded because I didn't quite expect this serious response. The only thing I need now is Kathryn's permission to use her revision of my poem. I really do like your revision of my words on this.

edit: I actually like how you punctuate the poem. Maybe we should go in business together. The drunk poet with the sober editor.

 

[Kathryn]

Actually Kathryn......I really do like your revision.

And yes.....my girlfriend was in my mind. I told her that after our first meeting my heart burst open and and wild horses ran away with my emotions while I lost control of the reigns.

We are quite serious in our relationship, after two months..........but I'll leave out the landmines in the complexities of that relationship.

Actually thank you those of you who responded because I didn't quite expect this serious response. The only thing I need now is Kathryn's permission to use her revision of my poem. I really do like your revision of my words on this.

edit: I actually like how you punctuate the poem. Maybe we should go in business together. The drunk poet with the sober editor.

You definitely have my permission - it's your poem. I just tweaked on it a tiny bit! I would be honored for you to claim it as totally yours! I really like the emotions your poem brings to mind and heart.

Go for it! Let us know how your girlfriend responds.

 

[psychoslice]

Interesting way you think, I love it, I did a picture for my psychologist a few years ago, I called it, blowing my brain open.

 

[gnomon]

You definitely have my permission - it's your poem. I just tweaked on it a tiny bit! I would be honored for you to claim it as totally yours! I really like the emotions your poem brings to mind and heart.

Go for it! Let us know how your girlfriend responds.

Thank you. I have to admit I posted it anyways. She like the original and your version as well. She admitted that your version was more concise. So I owe you some thanks there. But she also like my raw version but I personally believe that she like your version better.

edit: But thank you. She loved your version.

 

[gnomon]

Interesting way you think, I love it, I did a picture for my psychologist a few years ago, I called it, blowing my brain open.

I like that. Have any pictures for us?

 

[psychoslice]

Here is one I did while in psychosis.

 

[psychoslice]

 

[psychoslice]

This was done after I started to feel better.

 

[gnomon]

Here is one I did while in psychosis.

I like this one..........this one more than the other one shows a face contemplating both bliss and imprisonment....the other one just has too much going on.........and the straightjacket doesn't clearly explain much......

Then again.......I have the worst artistic eye...........but I do really like your first post.

 

[psychoslice]

Thanks, just one more, this one I copied from another painting, its schizophrenia.