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Eight Signs Of Partner Abuse
- Thread starter Sunstone
- Start date
Guitar's Cry
Disciple of Pan
***MOD POST***
Just a reminder that when posting something humorous, a certain level of seriousness is appropriate for sensitive topics such as partner abuse.
Just a reminder that when posting something humorous, a certain level of seriousness is appropriate for sensitive topics such as partner abuse.
Draka
Wonder Woman
Reading about those who have experienced the reverse...that is, the ones whose partners act as if they are abused...has your partner been abused in the past? They may not mean to make you feel as if you are abusive. They may have been conditioned to act a certain way from being in a relationship like that in the past. Once you have it in your head that you should ask permission to do anything or else your partner will get mad...it kind of sticks with you for a while. So desperate not to be abused again you end up acting as if you are on tiptoes all the time. If they have been abused before, the blame for their behavior lays not with them...but with the abuser who tormented them into acting like that in the first place.
Always remember...the physical abuse is easier to get past than the actual damage done to the mind. Broken bones mend and bruises fade away...the mind can take a lifetime to heal.
Always remember...the physical abuse is easier to get past than the actual damage done to the mind. Broken bones mend and bruises fade away...the mind can take a lifetime to heal.
Last edited:
AlsoAnima
Friend
No.
Modified: I cannot express negative emotions or feelings without being afraid of making my partner sad.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Concerned would be a better word, yes.
This applies more to my family and not at all to my partner.
enchanted_one1975
Resident Lycanthrope
I don't want to turn a serious thread in the wrong direction, but I have felt like this with every female I have been involved with. It happens for nearly a week every month that Mrs. Hyde comes out.
IndigoStorm
Member
My kid sister was physically abused by her husband. If you have the time read this TRUE story about her. I've called it ... "Last Night I Helped A Man Die." Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. Damn, I have waited so long to say that!
Last night I watched someone die. No, last night I helped someone die. It wasn't like euthanasia or anything; it was my brother-in-law Ray. Got a phone call from Melanie, my youngest sister just before midnight.
"It's Ray." I could hear her swallow a sob. "He won't die."
Yeah right I thought. Ray and I had never been close, never been buddies like some guys are with their sister's husband. Hed been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer nine months ago.
"The doctor thinks that maybe he's waiting to see someone before before he goes." Mel went on, "Perhaps he wants to see you Ryan, to apologise maybe and to say he's sorry. Will you come to the hospital now please."
I loved my kid sister very much and always had. We'd grown very close over the years, especially after our folks were both killed in a car smash.
"Sure sis I'm on my way."
She gave a sigh of relief into the phone. "Thanks Ryan. Come quickly please."
I put the phone down and locked up.
Driving to the hospital my thoughts went back to the time when Mel and Ray started dating. Even then the signs were obvious. They seemed happy enough during the week when he used to call on her at our house almost every night. At that time it was only weekends that things were different. Ray used to drink a lot over weekends.
Friday evenings Mel would sit in the lounge all dressed up, ready to go and waiting for him. Every time she heard a car engine she'd jump up and part the drapes, squinting out into the darkness then slump down again in her chair.
Mom would grimace and dad would look at her over his newspaper and shake his head. "Why do you let him do this to you Mel?" he'd ask.
"I love him dad." was Mel's standard reply.
Then came the day that Mel announced that she and Ray were engaged to be married.
"Over my dead body." dad said.
"God help us." mom said.
"F-ck me." was my only observation.
"If you don't let me marry him I'll just wait until I'm twenty one." Mel said, using the same argument a gazillion other girls had through the ages.. "Then you'll have no say."
"Why him Mel?" mom asked, her faded blue eyes troubled. "Why do you want to marry him? There are any number of nice boys who like you."
"Oh they're all nerds" Mel said dismissively. "'Rays a real man. I'm not interested in nerds thank you."
Then in the early hours one Sunday morning a few weeks before the wedding, Mel came into my bedroom and shook me awake. I switched on the bedside lamp and when I saw the purple bruise just below her left eye, I felt angrier than I'd ever felt in my life. She was crying, her whole body wracked by sobs.
"Ray did this." I said accusingly.
"No Ryan ."
"Don't lie to me Mel. Jesus I know it was Ray."
"No I "
"I'm gonna kill the f-cker." I spat
"No you're not." She weakly tried to push me back onto the bed. "Ryan what am I going to tell dad?"
"Jesus sis you've gotta call off this wedding. For Christ's sake if he's doing this now, what's going to happen when you're married?"
"I love him Ryan I love him."
Next day when our folks asked her about the bruise she made some lame excuse about someone slamming a car door against her face by mistake. But mom and dad weren't fooled even though they said nothing.
So Mel married Ray and his drinking problem got worse and they had two kids and his drinking got way beyond worse. They moved house a lot cos Ray couldn't hold down a job for long. Mel was a bank teller and earned quite a good salary at the time so as soon as the kids were old enough she had to go back to work so they could make ends meet.
One night, she told me later, when Ray was drunk and she wouldn't give him any more money, he picked up their month old daughter and held her out the second floor window by her arm, threatening to drop the infant unless she gave him some cash.
Another thing he did was to wake her at about one or two o'clock in the morning and demand that she make him steak, eggs and fries or he'd beat her up. Most times she said, when she got back to the bedroom with the food he was fast asleep.
When their son was ten and their daughter eight, Mel at last decided she'd had enough of Ray. She phoned me at five one morning and asked me if I would come and fetch her and the kids.
When I arrived Ray was standing in the front garden. He was a big man, his head seemingly attached to his shoulders without a neck. He stood with legs astride so that he wouldn't fall over he was that drunk. In his right hand he held a length of garden hose about a metre long.
I walked up the path, my gazed fixed on Mel and the two kids who stood in the open doorway wide-eyed and afraid.
"You boy, whatcha want?" Ray asked, his speech slurred. Ever since we'd met he'd called me boy never Jones.
I stopped a few paces from him. "I've come to fetch Mel and the kids Ray. I'm not leaving here without them."
"Melandthekidsh. No " He raised the piece of hose and took a swing at me.
.
I took a step forward and easily pushed him aside. He was so drunk that he just fell over onto his side, his head thudding into the dew-damp grass.
Mel and the children scampered down the path towards me. I went back to the front door where their two suitcases stood. Once they were in the car I drove off, the kids peering out of the rear window at their sloshed father who thankfully now was struggling to his feet. I took them to one of Mel's close friends who'd agreed to put them up for a while then I drove home.
Ray phoned me almost every day demanding to know what I'd done with his wife and kids. He was usually so ****** that it was with great difficulty that I could understand what he was saying. Mel also phoned me a few times to say that she and the kids were fine and that she's seen a lawyer to start divorce proceedings.
I think it was about three weeks later, a Saturday afternoon, when I answered my doorbell and found Mel, the kids and Ray there. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. They were all smiling and had their arms around each other and my heart sank because I knew he'd somehow conned my sister into taking him back.
When I got the chance to speak to Mel alone she said: "Ryan, Ray has promised to change. He swears he going to stop his drinking and start looking for a job."
"Yeah right and my *** is a chicken." I said cynically.
They left and I never heard anything from Mel for over a month, which was long for my little sister. I figured that either Ray had kept his promise, which I seriously doubted, or else Mel thought I'd be very angry if she phoned me again to ask me to fetch her one more time.
It was a month later that she phoned and asked if she could come and see me. We sat side by side on a couch in my living room and I waited for her to tell me what Ray had done this time. At least there were no visible bruises on her. Mel looked at me and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes.
"What's up Mel?" I asked in concern. "Ray been beating you again?
She shook her head and took a hopelessly inadequate tissue out her bag. I handed her a man size one from my own pocket.
"Ray's dying Ryan." She wiped her eyes and blew her nose and I held her close and she started crying again.
(Gotta post this in two parts.)
Last night I watched someone die. No, last night I helped someone die. It wasn't like euthanasia or anything; it was my brother-in-law Ray. Got a phone call from Melanie, my youngest sister just before midnight.
"It's Ray." I could hear her swallow a sob. "He won't die."
Yeah right I thought. Ray and I had never been close, never been buddies like some guys are with their sister's husband. Hed been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer nine months ago.
"The doctor thinks that maybe he's waiting to see someone before before he goes." Mel went on, "Perhaps he wants to see you Ryan, to apologise maybe and to say he's sorry. Will you come to the hospital now please."
I loved my kid sister very much and always had. We'd grown very close over the years, especially after our folks were both killed in a car smash.
"Sure sis I'm on my way."
She gave a sigh of relief into the phone. "Thanks Ryan. Come quickly please."
I put the phone down and locked up.
Driving to the hospital my thoughts went back to the time when Mel and Ray started dating. Even then the signs were obvious. They seemed happy enough during the week when he used to call on her at our house almost every night. At that time it was only weekends that things were different. Ray used to drink a lot over weekends.
Friday evenings Mel would sit in the lounge all dressed up, ready to go and waiting for him. Every time she heard a car engine she'd jump up and part the drapes, squinting out into the darkness then slump down again in her chair.
Mom would grimace and dad would look at her over his newspaper and shake his head. "Why do you let him do this to you Mel?" he'd ask.
"I love him dad." was Mel's standard reply.
Then came the day that Mel announced that she and Ray were engaged to be married.
"Over my dead body." dad said.
"God help us." mom said.
"F-ck me." was my only observation.
"If you don't let me marry him I'll just wait until I'm twenty one." Mel said, using the same argument a gazillion other girls had through the ages.. "Then you'll have no say."
"Why him Mel?" mom asked, her faded blue eyes troubled. "Why do you want to marry him? There are any number of nice boys who like you."
"Oh they're all nerds" Mel said dismissively. "'Rays a real man. I'm not interested in nerds thank you."
Then in the early hours one Sunday morning a few weeks before the wedding, Mel came into my bedroom and shook me awake. I switched on the bedside lamp and when I saw the purple bruise just below her left eye, I felt angrier than I'd ever felt in my life. She was crying, her whole body wracked by sobs.
"Ray did this." I said accusingly.
"No Ryan ."
"Don't lie to me Mel. Jesus I know it was Ray."
"No I "
"I'm gonna kill the f-cker." I spat
"No you're not." She weakly tried to push me back onto the bed. "Ryan what am I going to tell dad?"
"Jesus sis you've gotta call off this wedding. For Christ's sake if he's doing this now, what's going to happen when you're married?"
"I love him Ryan I love him."
Next day when our folks asked her about the bruise she made some lame excuse about someone slamming a car door against her face by mistake. But mom and dad weren't fooled even though they said nothing.
So Mel married Ray and his drinking problem got worse and they had two kids and his drinking got way beyond worse. They moved house a lot cos Ray couldn't hold down a job for long. Mel was a bank teller and earned quite a good salary at the time so as soon as the kids were old enough she had to go back to work so they could make ends meet.
One night, she told me later, when Ray was drunk and she wouldn't give him any more money, he picked up their month old daughter and held her out the second floor window by her arm, threatening to drop the infant unless she gave him some cash.
Another thing he did was to wake her at about one or two o'clock in the morning and demand that she make him steak, eggs and fries or he'd beat her up. Most times she said, when she got back to the bedroom with the food he was fast asleep.
When their son was ten and their daughter eight, Mel at last decided she'd had enough of Ray. She phoned me at five one morning and asked me if I would come and fetch her and the kids.
When I arrived Ray was standing in the front garden. He was a big man, his head seemingly attached to his shoulders without a neck. He stood with legs astride so that he wouldn't fall over he was that drunk. In his right hand he held a length of garden hose about a metre long.
I walked up the path, my gazed fixed on Mel and the two kids who stood in the open doorway wide-eyed and afraid.
"You boy, whatcha want?" Ray asked, his speech slurred. Ever since we'd met he'd called me boy never Jones.
I stopped a few paces from him. "I've come to fetch Mel and the kids Ray. I'm not leaving here without them."
"Melandthekidsh. No " He raised the piece of hose and took a swing at me.
.
I took a step forward and easily pushed him aside. He was so drunk that he just fell over onto his side, his head thudding into the dew-damp grass.
Mel and the children scampered down the path towards me. I went back to the front door where their two suitcases stood. Once they were in the car I drove off, the kids peering out of the rear window at their sloshed father who thankfully now was struggling to his feet. I took them to one of Mel's close friends who'd agreed to put them up for a while then I drove home.
Ray phoned me almost every day demanding to know what I'd done with his wife and kids. He was usually so ****** that it was with great difficulty that I could understand what he was saying. Mel also phoned me a few times to say that she and the kids were fine and that she's seen a lawyer to start divorce proceedings.
I think it was about three weeks later, a Saturday afternoon, when I answered my doorbell and found Mel, the kids and Ray there. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. They were all smiling and had their arms around each other and my heart sank because I knew he'd somehow conned my sister into taking him back.
When I got the chance to speak to Mel alone she said: "Ryan, Ray has promised to change. He swears he going to stop his drinking and start looking for a job."
"Yeah right and my *** is a chicken." I said cynically.
They left and I never heard anything from Mel for over a month, which was long for my little sister. I figured that either Ray had kept his promise, which I seriously doubted, or else Mel thought I'd be very angry if she phoned me again to ask me to fetch her one more time.
It was a month later that she phoned and asked if she could come and see me. We sat side by side on a couch in my living room and I waited for her to tell me what Ray had done this time. At least there were no visible bruises on her. Mel looked at me and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes.
"What's up Mel?" I asked in concern. "Ray been beating you again?
She shook her head and took a hopelessly inadequate tissue out her bag. I handed her a man size one from my own pocket.
"Ray's dying Ryan." She wiped her eyes and blew her nose and I held her close and she started crying again.
(Gotta post this in two parts.)
IndigoStorm
Member
Now it was eight and bit months later and I was walking into a hospital to help a man die. I closed the door of the private ward behind me. A skeleton lay in the bed, the oxygen mask almost completely obscuring its face. Mel sat on the one side holding Ray's emaciated hand in both hers. A uniformed nurse stood on the other side holding his wrist in her right hand and staring at the watch on her left wrist.
I stood next to Mel and looked across at the nurse who almost imperceptivity shook her head. Mel looked up at me and smiled her thanks.
"Ray," she said loudly, Ryans here to see you."
The skeleton opened its eyes. I moved closer and bent over him. Slowly Ray disengaged his hand from Mel's grasp and raised it until his ridiculously thin fingers closed around the front of my shirt. It seems as if he was trying to pull me closer. His lips moved and it was clear he wanted to speak.
The nurse leant forward and pulled the oxygen mask down off his face. I bent down until my ear was almost against his lips, trying not to wrinkle my nose at the smell of death that emanated from him.
His breath was like a feather against my ear and I heard the words clearly as if he were in my mind.
"F-ck you boy."
His hand slipped off my shirtfront and I straightened up. Rays eyes had closed and the nurse released his wrist and it dropped to the bed. She took the stethoscope out her ears and turned away.
Mel looked up at me, her cheeks damp with tears.
"Thank you Ryan." she said softly, her small hand slipping into mine.
"What did he say to you?"
I gazed down at my little sister whom I loved so much and who would need my love even more now. I'd never lied to Mel before but I knew I had to now.
"I'm not sure sis," I said squeezing her hand, "I think it might have been ... "Love Mel boy."
I stood next to Mel and looked across at the nurse who almost imperceptivity shook her head. Mel looked up at me and smiled her thanks.
"Ray," she said loudly, Ryans here to see you."
The skeleton opened its eyes. I moved closer and bent over him. Slowly Ray disengaged his hand from Mel's grasp and raised it until his ridiculously thin fingers closed around the front of my shirt. It seems as if he was trying to pull me closer. His lips moved and it was clear he wanted to speak.
The nurse leant forward and pulled the oxygen mask down off his face. I bent down until my ear was almost against his lips, trying not to wrinkle my nose at the smell of death that emanated from him.
His breath was like a feather against my ear and I heard the words clearly as if he were in my mind.
"F-ck you boy."
His hand slipped off my shirtfront and I straightened up. Rays eyes had closed and the nurse released his wrist and it dropped to the bed. She took the stethoscope out her ears and turned away.
Mel looked up at me, her cheeks damp with tears.
"Thank you Ryan." she said softly, her small hand slipping into mine.
"What did he say to you?"
I gazed down at my little sister whom I loved so much and who would need my love even more now. I'd never lied to Mel before but I knew I had to now.
"I'm not sure sis," I said squeezing her hand, "I think it might have been ... "Love Mel boy."
LovebirdsFlying
Mrs. Brady
I think if I'd been there I'd have been standing on Ray's oxygen tube.
Gabethewiking
Active Member
Yeah, a Pastor is a perfect person to turn to as they are professionally trained in assisting you, or atleast your young son......
On a more positive/negative note, ignoring the "pastor" typo (I assume it was a typo) I have issues with some of these "so called" signs. It seems to be out of some Oprah magazine not completely related to the real world, I mean I could claim yes on one or two to a certain agree and my wife may be a card carrying cop but a dwarf in size and power to me.... Comeone..
Gabethewiking
Active Member
A good massage could solve that enchanted, try it out and she'll be happy as rain, promise.
Count_Vlad
New Member
abuse is a very overused term and is a Godsend to all kinds of therapists,counsellors and quacks who make a good living from pandering to mainly womens hysteria and hyperbole they may have spotted somewhere in a womans magazine, sorry to disagree but nearly all of those 'signs of abuse ' are present in i would guess most happy marriages and its human nature for one of the partners to take a lead role in fact I would wager that most people who have read this can see quite a lot of themselves or their relationship in the things you quoted and furthermore I would suggest that the original compiler of this list may have puposely picked out common relationship traits to justify his claims that they amount to spousal abuse
Father Heathen
Veteran Member
That's quite an impressive run-on sentence. But anyway, you honestly think fear and control are common, healthy relationship traits?
Count_Vlad
New Member
the words fear and control imply that the person being controlled or being fearfull has no choice in the matter and does not want to be in such a relationship.
It has never I suspect been easier to anull a marriage than it is now and there is such a plethora of telephone helplines,police domestic violence units,womens organisations and lawyers waiting like greyhounds at the trap ready to spring and pounce on any warring couple and offer a variety of legal baloney for an appropriate fee.
In my humble view men and women have always been at each others throat when it comes to relationships and I think there will always be anxiety and strife in many marital homes although I do appreciate that physicl violence is to be abbhorred there are of course women as well as men who know just how to push somebody to distraction to try and invoke aa physical response and thus get the offending partner banged up for the night.
I mentioned in an earlier thread the problem of borderline personality disorder which seems to be on the increase at an alarming rate especially amongst young women and I believe there is a link with societal changes,the increase in radical feminism and the unhealthy preoccupation with spousal abuse which seems to get a broader remit by the minute and I could possibly forsee a point in the future where ridiculous things like a man not taking his dutyful turn at washing the dishes might qualify as a spouse abuser, Western Governments are in the process of breaking down the family unit, Hitler had a similar proposal, the family unit/group is a very powerful entity and the populous is far less malleable and able to be manipulated in a strong family group where both parents are present.
In the UK succesive labour Governments have tried to destroy the family and we are now in the sad state of affairs where unmarried mothers outweigh married couples, as a consequence of this there are what I would term feral gangs of lawless children wandering the streets with very little in the way of discipline or firm guidance in their lives. In short I believe we have created a rod for our own back by following the feminist whingers
It has never I suspect been easier to anull a marriage than it is now and there is such a plethora of telephone helplines,police domestic violence units,womens organisations and lawyers waiting like greyhounds at the trap ready to spring and pounce on any warring couple and offer a variety of legal baloney for an appropriate fee.
In my humble view men and women have always been at each others throat when it comes to relationships and I think there will always be anxiety and strife in many marital homes although I do appreciate that physicl violence is to be abbhorred there are of course women as well as men who know just how to push somebody to distraction to try and invoke aa physical response and thus get the offending partner banged up for the night.
I mentioned in an earlier thread the problem of borderline personality disorder which seems to be on the increase at an alarming rate especially amongst young women and I believe there is a link with societal changes,the increase in radical feminism and the unhealthy preoccupation with spousal abuse which seems to get a broader remit by the minute and I could possibly forsee a point in the future where ridiculous things like a man not taking his dutyful turn at washing the dishes might qualify as a spouse abuser, Western Governments are in the process of breaking down the family unit, Hitler had a similar proposal, the family unit/group is a very powerful entity and the populous is far less malleable and able to be manipulated in a strong family group where both parents are present.
In the UK succesive labour Governments have tried to destroy the family and we are now in the sad state of affairs where unmarried mothers outweigh married couples, as a consequence of this there are what I would term feral gangs of lawless children wandering the streets with very little in the way of discipline or firm guidance in their lives. In short I believe we have created a rod for our own back by following the feminist whingers
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
This list is spot on. In my former marriage, I would have answered yes to every single one of those questions - and my ex husband was DEFINITELY abusive (in fact, still is - to his current wife, who is in the process of divorcing him and basically cleaning his clock - again).
Now, thankfully I am in a healthy, happy relationship and cannot even imagine how I got myself into that first scenario -when there was something so good and so wholesome actually out there for me. If I had read this list early in my first relationship/marriage, I would have perhaps recognized the dangers before it was too late.
Thanks for posting, Sunstone.
Now, thankfully I am in a healthy, happy relationship and cannot even imagine how I got myself into that first scenario -when there was something so good and so wholesome actually out there for me. If I had read this list early in my first relationship/marriage, I would have perhaps recognized the dangers before it was too late.
Thanks for posting, Sunstone.
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
I can assure you, as a survivor of a very abusive first marriage, that the list applies to ABUSIVE relationships and NOT healthy relationships. I can't see a thing in that list that applies to my current healthy, happy marriage, while every single sentence applies to my first, abusive, horrific marriage.
It's amazing that behavior that's held in such low esteem is more often encouraged on Internet forum debate.
Count_Vlad
New Member
Helllo Kathryn,
Of course I do not know you but I am very pleased that your current marriage is a happy one and working out well,
Life is like that,sometimes we meet the wrong person or at least somebody whom we are often at odds with and this can result in a tempestuous relationship which oddly enough some people seem to thrive on and find exciting although of course I am not insinuating that you fell into that category as it is quite obvious you didn't or you would have remained married to him.
The point I am trying to make is that we are all different and the adage of 'one mans meat' springs to mindd.
Some of us ar lucky and meet the ideal partner at the first attempt whilst others may need several aattempts to find their ideal partner, it takes two to tango and when aa couple are at constant loggerheads then perhaps it is time to forclose the marriage although I do believe that in many circumstances marriages are being annulled these days for far more trivial reasons than your own.
Some years ago I was in a marriage that didn't work out, I wont go into the details or attach blame as to whose fault it was because I believe as a joint enterprise which marriage is then ultimately both parties must bear some responsibility for the ultimate demise of the partnership.
I think attaching the 'term 'survivor' as is the current trend these days seems to indicate that the other party in a failed marriage is deemed to be an abuser but it's more complex than that,
Not trying to trivialise things but I was a survivor of a bad curry last night and I am still 'surviving' the recent bad snows we have had in the UK, I think I a clumsily trying to say that there are many trials and hurdles as we pass through life clinging onto this huge rock speeding through the universe at great speed and undoubtedly we will have both bad and good experiences and perhaps we should all try and just get on with it and accept it for what it is warts and all without regarding ourselves as victims or survivors, we are after all a long time dead
Of course I do not know you but I am very pleased that your current marriage is a happy one and working out well,
Life is like that,sometimes we meet the wrong person or at least somebody whom we are often at odds with and this can result in a tempestuous relationship which oddly enough some people seem to thrive on and find exciting although of course I am not insinuating that you fell into that category as it is quite obvious you didn't or you would have remained married to him.
The point I am trying to make is that we are all different and the adage of 'one mans meat' springs to mindd.
Some of us ar lucky and meet the ideal partner at the first attempt whilst others may need several aattempts to find their ideal partner, it takes two to tango and when aa couple are at constant loggerheads then perhaps it is time to forclose the marriage although I do believe that in many circumstances marriages are being annulled these days for far more trivial reasons than your own.
Some years ago I was in a marriage that didn't work out, I wont go into the details or attach blame as to whose fault it was because I believe as a joint enterprise which marriage is then ultimately both parties must bear some responsibility for the ultimate demise of the partnership.
I think attaching the 'term 'survivor' as is the current trend these days seems to indicate that the other party in a failed marriage is deemed to be an abuser but it's more complex than that,
Not trying to trivialise things but I was a survivor of a bad curry last night and I am still 'surviving' the recent bad snows we have had in the UK, I think I a clumsily trying to say that there are many trials and hurdles as we pass through life clinging onto this huge rock speeding through the universe at great speed and undoubtedly we will have both bad and good experiences and perhaps we should all try and just get on with it and accept it for what it is warts and all without regarding ourselves as victims or survivors, we are after all a long time dead
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Hi, Vlad,
I appreciate the tone of your post, and you make some good points.
I'm not trying to sensationalize things, but I am a survivor of a horrifically abusive marriage. My ex husband held a loaded gun to my head and told me he was going to kill me. He dragged me up a flight of stairs by my feet when I was five months pregnant and then threw me on the floor and stood over me kicking me. He threw me to the ground once and started choking me till I managed to break free. He was also (is STILL also) emotionally abusive in extremely destructive ways. I honestly believe that he is amoral - that he has some sort of personality disorder and is a very "broken" person.
He is also extremely charming, very intelligent, handsome, witty, has a masters degree and is working on his doctorate, and is a colonel in the US Army.
He has married not one, but two intelligent, deeply committed, responsible women who are good mothers, have strong careers, and are considered strong women by their families and peers.
The abuse that his two wives and eight (yes, EIGHT) children have suffered over the years simply cannot be compared to a bowl of bad curry, or a week of cold weather.
Now - was I a perfect wife, or is his current wife (who is in the process of divorcing him) perfect? No. Are his children (ranging in age from 28 to 6) perfect? No. But I will absolutely not compromise on this statement:
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE (MYSELF INCLUDED) DESERVED TO BE TREATED AS HE HAS TREATED US FOR DECADES. We have given him love, attention, trust, hope, kindness, support - we have given him the best we have. Our youth, our goals, our health, supported his career by moving every couple of years (first me and our four kids, and then his current wife and their four kids) - and frankly, we did not "ask" for the abuse, we didn't contribute to it, we didn't secretly enjoy the ups and downs of the relationship, we didn't seek a tempestuous, "exciting" relationship like we ended up with. We were duped, mistreated, and abused. Period. And he's already got another woman who is walking head on into the very same scenario.
I take full responsibility for the series of misjudgments which culminated in me marrying him, and then trying to make it work for so many years, entangling my children in such a sad situation. I will always bear the guilt and sorrow for those poor choices.
But I am proud - PROUD - to say that I absolutely and unequivocably finally ended that relationship - I guess you could say I contributed to the demise of that marriage. I own that statement, that responsibility - and I consider that an achievement, a triumph, rather than a failure.
My children and I were victims of violence and criminal abuse. We are now survivors of that abuse. I don't apologize for that "label" - because that's just one of the many labels I've acquired in my life. It's impacted me, and shaped parts of my personality - but it hasn't defined me or my life.
My life is so much more than that. But I won't deny that part of my history or my psyche.
An abusive relationship might be good enough for you, Vlad, but speak for yourself.
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