My Understanding along the Journey

[Paaras]

What I would be sharing here as the Title mentions is My Understanding of Scriptures especially Islamic , because I have studied , heard, debated and grew up(still) in that atmosphere. But when faced with extremely challenging situations in life , I couldn't find some answers which increased my desperation. I was like the restless Moses mentioned in Surah Kahf , who couldn't hold on to patience and acceptance. If Moses's faith could waver and shake and question , why can't ours when we are facing situation we can't comprehend and can't see or accept that there could be an ultimate benefit. Luckily for Moses in the end of that story Moses is provided with satisfactory explanations to the strange and unacceptable situations he encounters along the journey with Khidr. So there curtain drops with an happy and convincing ending.
But What about our lives where Khidr is missing , and the great Moses blessed with so many virtues and favors who was a mere spectator there and still was so restless, , impatient and questioning . What about us? , we are the ones who are going through all those in our lives, living a VUCA world , sailing in far more turbulent waters , shaken by hurricanes , whirlpools , strong winds , high tides and waves engulfing our boats, our sails blown away , steering broken ( sails and steering imply religious knowledge, beliefs or Scriptures). How do we steer our boat without direction and control? ( There is more drama than that , its pitch dark and there are sharks in the water and there is terrific lightning which is deafening )
So, deep deep down there is still a faint hope , I am searching for a rope , a rope to hold on , Hurray!, At last I find! (Eureka) not one but many , as I try to hold tightly to those ropes and raise myself up , they give away , some are slippery ,some are thorny, some are ragged, some are rigged. So I bleed , I fall again and again. I am hurt, wounded , injured, desperate, sinking.

What happens next , keep thinking.
As I post the rest of My understanding.

 

[JustGeorge]

So, deep deep down there is still a faint hope , I am searching for a rope , a rope to hold on , Hurray!, At last I find! (Eureka) not one but many , as I try to hold tightly to those ropes and raise myself up , they give away , some are slippery ,some are thorny, some are ragged, some are rigged. So I bleed , I fall again and again. I am hurt, wounded , injured, desperate, sinking.

What happens next , keep thinking.
As I post the rest of My understanding.

May you find your proper rope soon. Until then, hang on for the ride. Sometimes it is wonderful, sometimes terrible...

 

[Paaras]

Now, when stuck with difficulties , the first thing a religious person does is dig his head deep into religious literature , look for hope, search for some light , some explanation, some convincing explanation . More than, Why you are in that state?, to How to get out of that?.
For the first question Abrahamic religions give you a plethora of answers, endless reasons , you disobeyed, you sinned , you rebelled, etc., etc...
Man, You are thrown into a thorny jungle and blamed for having got pricked.
For the Second , the answer is just two words , Repentance and Patience.
So, I started repenting for everything I had done , to the extent I started feeling that talking , walking and even my breathing were sins. Repentance changed to regrets , where I started regretting every step I had taken so far, and started believing that each further step I am going to take is going to be wrong as well , a blunder which I am going to regret later. It was suffocating , this took me further deep into the darker pits of depression , extreme sorrow and suicidal thoughts, dislike towards everything which culminated into dislike towards religion , towards God (as mentioned in Abrahamic religions ) .
I was looking for this God ,
"When My servants ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about Me: I am truly near. I respond to one's prayer when they call upon Me. So let them respond ˹with obedience˺ to Me and believe in Me, perhaps they will be guided ˹to the Right Way˺."
But , slowly I was approaching this God,
"Beware of˺ the Day We will ask Hell, “Are you full ˹yet˺?” And it will respond, “Are there any more?”

Hell's belly doesn't get filled , majority will end in hell , Hell is endless . Isn't this sad and depressing? Imagine the effects of these statements on a person who is hopeless and miserable , Will this not add to his misery ? . My every second, every breath seemed like Hell.
So where is Hope ? Dead in Hell !?
I was searching for Hope , Hello!, Does anyone know her whereabouts? ( Not the one in Vampire diaries) , I went knocking every door, where there was some hope for Hope.

 

[Paaras]

During that period , I had found this supplication of Imam Ali , which I still consider the highest cry of repentance ( I can bet on that). And, for years I was repenting with these words.
After rightfully praising God and acknowledging His Magnificence, He pours out his heart with the following words of repentance .

اللَّهُمَ اغْفِرْ لِي الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَهتِكُ الْعِصَمَ
O Allah, forgive me for those of my sins which tear apart safeguards!

اللَّهُمَ اغْفِرْ لِي الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ النِّقَمَ

allahumma-igh-fir liyadh-dhunubal-lati tunzilun-niqam
O Allah, forgive me for those sins which draw down adversities!

اللَّهُمَ اغْفِرْ لِي الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُغيِّرُ النِّعَمَ

allahumma-igh-fir liyadh-dhunubal-lati tughy-yirun-ni’am
O Allah, forgive me for those sins which alter blessings!

اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَحْبِسُ الدُّعَاءَ

allahumma-igh-fir liyadh-dhunubal-lati tah-bisud-du’a
O Allah forgive me for those sins which hold back supplication!

اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَقْطَعُ الرََّّجَاءَ

allahumma-igh-fir liyadh-dhunubal-lati taq-tau'r-raja
O Allah forgive me for those sins which cut down the hopes!

اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ البَلاءَ

allahumma-igh-fir liyadh-dhunubal-lati tunzilul-bala
O Allah, forgive me for those sins which draw down tribulation!

اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَكُلَّ خَطِيئَةٍ أَخْطَأْتُهَا

allahumma-igh-fir liya kul-la dham-bin adhnabtuhu wa kul-la khati-atin akh-tatuha
O Allah, forgive me for every sin I have committed and for every mistake I have made!

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيْكَ بِذِكْرِكَ

allahumma inni ataqarrabu ilayka bi-dhik-rik
O Allah, verily I seek nearness to You through remembrance of You,

وَأَسْتَشْفِعُ بِكَ إِلَي نَفْسِكَ

wa as-tash-fiu' bika ila naf-sik
And I seek intercession from You with Yourself,

وَأَسْألُكَ بِجُودِكَ أَن تُدْنِيَنِي مِن قُرْبِكَ

wa as-aluka bi-judika an tud-ni-yani min qur-bik
And I ask You through Your munificence to bring me near to Your proximity,

وَأَن تُوزِعَنِي شُكْرَكَ

wa an tuzi’ani shuk-rak
And to provide me with gratitude towards You

وَأَن تُلْهِمَنِي ذِكْرَكَ

wa an tul-himani dhik-rak
And to inspire me with Your remembrance.

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْألُكَ سُؤَالَ خَاضِعٍ مُّتَذَلِّلٍ خَاشِعٍ أَن تُسَامِحَنِي وَتَرْحَمَنِي

allahumma in-ni as-luka suala khadhii'm-mutadhal-lilin kha-shii'n an tusamihani wa tar-hamani
O Allah, verily I ask You with the asking of a submissive, abased and lowly man to show me forbearance, to have mercy on me

وَتَجْعلَنِي بِقَسَمِكَ رَاضِياً قَانِعاً، وَفِي جَمِيعِ الأَحْوَاِل مُتَوَاضِعاً

wa taj-’alani bi-qasamika radhiyan qani’n wa fi jamii'l-ah-wali mutawadhi’aa
And to make me satisfied and content with Your appointment and [make me] humble in every state.

 

[Aupmanyav]

Now, when stuck with difficulties , the first thing a religious person does is dig his head deep into religious literature, look for hope, search for some light , some explanation, some convincing explanation. More than, Why you are in that state? How to get out of that?
I was searching for Hope, Hello! Does anyone know her whereabouts? (Not the one in Vampire diaries). I went knocking every door, where there was some hope for Hope.

Why should one do that? Face the problem squarely, find your own answers.
The hope that you get in religious literature is for your supposed next life and not this one.

 

[rocala]

Why should one do that? Face the problem squarely, find your own answers.
The hope that you get in religious literature is for your supposed next life and not this one.

I totally agree.

 

[RestlessSoul]

Why should one do that? Face the problem squarely, find your own answers.
The hope that you get in religious literature is for your supposed next life and not this one.

This is a common misunderstanding, found among both atheists and some religious folk; that the purpose of religion, and of faith, is to prepare us for the next life. On the contrary, nurturing one's spiritual condition in the here and now can help us live better in this life; the next life, if there is one, can take care of itself.

 

[Aupmanyav]

On the contrary, nurturing one's spiritual condition in the here and now can help us live better in this life; the next life, if there is one, can take care of itself.

I wish people understood that in this way. But they are threatening me with God's ire and an eternity in hell.

 

[RestlessSoul]

I wish people understood that in this way. But they are threatening me with God's ire and an eternity in hell.

I hope you tell the threateners to worry about their own eternal souls

 

[Aupmanyav]

I hope you tell the threateners to worry about their own eternal souls

The problem is that I do not believe in existence of soul.

 

[Paaras]

During this period , my search landed me to a beautiful dua called , Dua Kumayl, by none other than Imam Ali, the doorway into Wisdom.
Its like Imam Ali, the Prince of Eloquence, the Craftsman of emotions and words, has carefully collected every tear of mine , gracefully polished them with his articulacy and woven them in his most elegant fabric of rhythmic sentences.

This supplication of Imam Ali ,I still consider this to be the highest cry of repentance . And, for years I was repenting with these words.
This supplication is quite lengthy and each line of it a priceless gem. I can't put it here entirely due to word limit. So a few glimpses of
Dua-e-Kumayl by Imam Ali here.

After rightfully praising God and acknowledging His Magnificence, He pours out his heart with the following words of repentance .

"O Allah forgive me those sins which hold back supplication!
O Allah forgive me those sins that cut down the hopes!
O Allah, forgive me those sins which draw down tribulation!
O Allah, forgive me every sin I have committed and every mistake I have made!
O Allah, verily I seek nearness to You through remembrance of You,
And I seek intercession from You with Yourself,
And I ask You through Your munificence to bring me near to Your proximity"

"O Allah, I ask You the question of one whose indigence is extreme,
And who has stated to You in the difficulties of his need
And whose desire for what is with You has become great.
O Allah, Your force is tremendous, Your place is lofty,
And Your plan is hidden, Your command is manifest,
And Your domination is overwhelming, Your power is unhindered
And escape from Your governance is impossible.
O Allah, I find no forgiveness of my sins,
Norer conceal of my ugly acts
Nor transformer of any of my ugly acts into good acts but You
There is no god but You!
Glory be to You, and Thine is the praise!
I have wronged myself,
And I have been audacious in my ignorance
And I have depended upon Your ancient remembrance of me and Your favor toward me".

"O Allah, my tribulation is tremendous,
And my bad state is excessive,
And my acts are inadequate,
And my fetters have tied me down,
And my far-fetched hopes have held me back from my gain
And this world with its delusions, my own soul with its offenses and my delay have deceived me".

For those who could ponder over it, and in a similar situation to which I was , this is a tearfully captivating dua , the most mesmerizing piece of art painted in hues of regret and repentance, an unparalleled Masterpiece.

The power of heart felt words, as how they could could move the Heavens, strike the angels with awe. and even shake the throne of The Lord, as meticulously described by the Urdu Poet Iqbal , in his Jawab-e-Shikwa.

"When passion streaming from the heart turns human lips to lyres,
Some magic wings man’s music then, his song with soul inspires;

Man’s words are sacred then, they soar, The ears of heaven they seek,
From dust those mortal accents rise, Immortals hear them speak;

So wild and wayward was my Love, such tumult raised its sighs,
Before its daring swiftly fell the ramparts of the skies.

The skies exclaimed in wonderment, “Some one is hiding here,”
The wheeling Planets paused to say, “Seek on the highest sphere.”

The silver Moon said, “You are wrong, Some mortal it must be,”
The Milky Way too joined converse, “Here in our midst is he.’’

Rizwan alone, my plaintive voice began to recognise,
He knew me for a human who had lost his Paradise.

And even the Angels could not tell what was that voice so strange,
Whose secret seemed to lie beyond Celestial wisdom’s range.

They said, “Can Man now roving come and reach these regions high?
That tiny speck of mortal clay, has it now learnt to fly?

How little do these beings of earth the laws of conduct know;
How coarse and insolent they are, these men who live below.

So great their insolence indeed, they dare even God upbraid!
Is this the Man to whom their bow the Angels once had made?

Of Quality and Quantity He knows the secrets, true—
The ways of humbleness as well If he a little knew!

That they alone are blest with speech how proud these humans be,
Yet, ignorant, they lack the art to use it gracefully.”

Then spake a Voice Compassionate: “Thy tale enkindles pain,
Thy cup is brimming full with tears which thou couldst not contain

Even High Heaven itself is moved by these impassioned cries;
How wild the heart which taught thy lips such savage melodies!

Its grace yet makes this song of thine a song of eulogy;
A bridge of converse thou hast formed ‘Twixt mortal man and Me!"

Ah!, the music of these words if one can understand them in the languages they were written.

 

[Hermit Philosopher]

I wish people understood that in this way. But they are threatening me with God's ire and an eternity in hell.

Another cannot threaten you with this.
I would have thought that you feel certain enough of knowing yourself, not to find another’s such words threatening. I believe that you are pulling our legs here.

Humbly,
Hermit

 

[Twilight Hue]

This is a common misunderstanding, found among both atheists and some religious folk; that the purpose of religion, and of faith, is to prepare us for the next life. On the contrary, nurturing one's spiritual condition in the here and now can help us live better in this life; the next life, if there is one, can take care of itself.

As one who views his or her religion as a raft.

Used only in this life and completely discarded upon death.

 

[RestlessSoul]

As one who views his or her religion as a raft.

Used only in this life and completely discarded upon death.

Might need a raft to cross the River Styx, but as I understand it, Charon provides that

 

[Aupmanyav]

I would have thought that you feel certain enough of knowing yourself, not to find another’s such words threatening. I believe that you are pulling our legs here.

How can I pull your leg, when you know I do not care and do not threaten me like others? You understand the situation. I am pulling the legs of those people who try to threaten me with what I know is completely false.

Might need a raft to cross the River Styx, but as I understand it, Charon provides that

Charon has to be paid. In Hinduism, it is simple. Just hold the tail of Mother Cow and you safely cross the Vaitarani River to reach heaven.

 

[Paaras]

Well, that’s not my entire journey , from questioning Sunni understanding to appreciating Shia literature, This was one stop of my journey where I had lingered a lot, spent quite some time exploring this territory, which had its roses and thorns as well.

So , back to the beginning,

As I had mentioned , when depression clouded my mind with innumerable questions, I had to search for answers and a way out , so religion was the first resort , as it promises so.

So, I enrolled in an online Islamic degree program. This was not my first exposure to Islamic knowledge or practices , I had already been listening to various Islamic scholars on different Television channels at that time as Youtube was not as popular then.

(My mother had inculcated in us the habits of regular salah and yearly fasting in us , and our parents had given us a very good education and a very good moral upbringing. My mother is very soft spoken and forbearing and my father very witty and argumentative. He enjoys taking an opposite stand on anything one proposes and debating on that. So, naturally I was a mix of both , so I start with accepting , then analyzing and then arguing and disagreeing if my points are stronger , otherwise I continue in the same circuit till I find my exit. )

How , well said by Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawziyyah

"The heart in its journey towards Allah s.w.t. is like a bird whose head is love, and hope and fear are its two wings."​

The righteous person would strengthen his wing of fear in the time of happiness, so God is always remembered, and recklessness is prevented. Whereas in time of calamities and nearing death, he will strengthen his wing of hope for God is All-Merciful.

What a wonderful analogy and a precise explanation.

But , unfortunately we do the opposite , we keep hoping for better in good times and start losing hope when calamities strike . Greed engulfs us in good days and hence fear overpowers us in misfortunes.

 

[JustGeorge]

How , well said by Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawziyyah

"The heart in its journey towards Allah s.w.t. is like a bird whose head is love, and hope and fear are its two wings."​

That's beautiful.

 

[Paaras]

Quoting Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawziyyah again,

"The heart in its journey towards Allah s.w.t. is like a bird whose head is love, and hope and fear are its two wings."

The righteous person would strengthen his wing of fear in the time of happiness, so God is always remembered, and recklessness is prevented. Whereas in time of calamities and nearing death, he will strengthen his wing of hope for God is All-Merciful.

So , what went wrong with those who couldn't hold to the above measures.
When , were and How?

Was this a test we failed , or was this a test we were destined to fail.

Was there Adam's eagerness within me or Moses’s impatience .

One wanted to try and other wanted to know , both very human qualities .So will a human be punished for inherent human qualities? Is this why Hell is unlimited?

Who are those who have passed these tests ? Was it their effort or were they from a different manufacturing unit, with a different composition and temperament? If so the test is biased and unfair.

If it was their efforts which raised them high , so what propelled them to make such efforts?

If it was their certainty, were the born with it or was it their circumstances? In both cases the game would be unfair for having granted them those privileges.

If the argument is that, the more you endure the more you will be the reward , again the same question for endurance will arise , is this inherent or is this cultivated , such questions take one back to the above loop.

So my mind was caught in a loop of endless questions , with barely no answers.
I was caught in this whirlpool of question , which were pulling me further down into the abysses of depression.