I need help with a friend problem

crhodes9898 · Oct 2, 2015

i have this friend. The type of friend that you could consider to be more then a friend, where to you can go a step further to call them your brother. With this person also agreed I am to them. But now, it's barely holding up. His complaints with me is that I am always negative. But I don't see how. If I'm upset I go to him. It might be a complaint I have with him or just life in general. I don't get it. My complaints with him are that I don't feel important to him or like anything at all. Like I'm nothing. I suppose you could say we love and care about each other, but it's like that is never shown. We're to the point where we want to just go our separate ways but I don't want that. I don't know what to do.

Laika · Oct 2, 2015

Just tell him he means alot to you and you want to stay freinds and work through it if you can. its about how significant your differences are and how much you both value your relationship. This is going to be a somewhat "heretical" answer as its unusual for guys to express their emotions openly (which could come accross as either gay or needy and be embarrasing), but if he's one of those freinds who you know you will miss- take the risk and just say. If he's the freind you really believe he is, he may feel the same way and swallow his pride. if not, well- you'll know who he really is and that will make it easier for you. if he makes you feel like "nothing", he's probably angry for some reason so be prepared to handle that. By doing it this way, you not only respect him by accepting his decision but respect yourself by telling him how you feel. Ultimately, you can't stop him from saying he doesn't want to know, but you can say to yourself you tried and that will make it easier to let go and respect that. it will hurt and you'll feel upset, but give it time.

b.finton · Oct 2, 2015

If it's not on, it's off.

Maybe give it a rest? Resolution usually comes to those who wait with patience.

b.

crhodes9898 · Oct 2, 2015

Laika said:
Just tell him he means alot to you and you want to stay freinds and work through it if you can. its about how significant your differences are and how much you both value your relationship. This is going to be a somewhat "heretical" answer as its unusual for guys to express their emotions openly (which could come accross as either gay or needy and be embarrasing), but if he's one of those freinds who you know you will miss- take the risk and just say. If he's the freind you really believe he is, he may feel the same way and swallow his pride. if not, well- you'll know who he really is and that will make it easier for you. if he makes you feel like "nothing", he's probably angry for some reason so be prepared to handle that. By doing it this way, you not only respect him by accepting his decision but respect yourself by telling him how you feel. Ultimately, you can't stop him from saying he doesn't want to know, but you can say to yourself you tried and that will make it easier to let go and respect that. it will hurt and you'll feel upset, but give it time.

Well we've like had this issue before, but it's usually resolved itself by now. He knows my feelings, and I know his, or what he tells me are his. But there aren't any actions to back it up. That's why I feel like nothing to him. It's like I get treated I guess a little less then his other friends. Of whom are not as close as we are. And he's told me that. I feel like he wants this and all, and wants to help, but doesn't know what to do. I've even told him what to do, but I don't know....

Laika · Oct 2, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
Well we've like had this issue before, but it's usually resolved itself by now. He knows my feelings, and I know his, or what he tells me are his. But there aren't any actions to back it up. That's why I feel like nothing to him. It's like I get treated I guess a little less then his other friends. Of whom are not as close as we are. And he's told me that. I feel like he wants this and all, and wants to help, but doesn't know what to do. I've even told him what to do, but I don't know....

you're post reads like your very confused and upset about this. If I was reading between the lines, I would guess you feel pretty lonely and vulnerable and this guy is someone your very close to. he feels like a "rock" to lean on and that is very comforting to be around as he makes you feel safe. I would guess you probably feel angry at him too because this may feel very threatening and hurtful whilst probably not intended in that way.
If it is like that, the thing to keep in mind is that your freind can only do so much for you. he has limits and learning to respect them, whilst hard, can help us grow. you can only help a person who is willing to help themselves and he may want something back from you so that he knows the effort he puts in does help you become a stronger and more independent person. Most of our problems are, when you look really hard at them, illusionary. They tend to be about how other people percieve us, rather than what we do.

Is he under any stress, like a break-up with a girlfreind, or family problems at home? he may want someone to support him as he supports you if that is the case.

Deidre · Oct 2, 2015

If you are a reasonable person, and you honestly feel more often than not that this person treats his other friends 'better' than you, then...maybe it's time to reassess the friendship. Actions speak louder than words. If friends care about each other, they show it. If they don't care about each other, they don't show it. Words can only go so far.

Twilight Hue · Oct 2, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
i have this friend. The type of friend that you could consider to be more then a friend, where to you can go a step further to call them your brother. With this person also agreed I am to them. But now, it's barely holding up. His complaints with me is that I am always negative. But I don't see how. If I'm upset I go to him. It might be a complaint I have with him or just life in general. I don't get it. My complaints with him are that I don't feel important to him or like anything at all. Like I'm nothing. I suppose you could say we love and care about each other, but it's like that is never shown. We're to the point where we want to just go our separate ways but I don't want that. I don't know what to do.

Go your seperate way. It dosent need to be permanent. See what happens.

psychoslice · Oct 2, 2015

So are you actually in a relationship ?.

crhodes9898 · Oct 2, 2015

Laika said:
you're post reads like your very confused and upset about this. If I was reading between the lines, I would guess you feel pretty lonely and vulnerable and this guy is someone your very close to. he feels like a "rock" to lean on and that is very comforting to be around as he makes you feel safe. I would guess you probably feel angry at him too because this may feel very threatening and hurtful whilst probably not intended in that way.
If it is like that, the thing to keep in mind is that your freind can only do so much for you. he has limits and learning to respect them, whilst hard, can help us grow. you can only help a person who is willing to help themselves and he may want something back from you so that he knows the effort he puts in does help you become a stronger and more independent person. Most of our problems are, when you look really hard at them, illusionary. They tend to be about how other people percieve us, rather than what we do.

Is he under any stress, like a break-up with a girlfreind, or family problems at home? he may want someone to support him as he supports you if that is the case.

Wow, fantastic response, thank you. But I guess your right he can only do so much. Sometimes I'll need help and he won't know what to do. He'll ask me what do you want me to do for you. I'll tell him, and he'll hesitate, half *** it, or sometimes he does do it. But it's just irritating. And if he does do that one thing it would make a huge difference for me, and probably for him.

crhodes9898 · Oct 2, 2015

psychoslice said:
So are you actually in a relationship ?.

I'd like to think so, but it's weak

psychoslice · Oct 2, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
I'd like to think so, but it's weak

I see, it might be better to back off a bit and not to be too obsessed, which can scare some away.

crhodes9898 · Oct 2, 2015

psychoslice said:
I see, it might be better to back off a bit and not to be too obsessed, which can scare some away.

It's not like that at all, it has nothing to do with an obsession. Me and him, just it's complicated, how it all started. But when I mean we are close I mean we are extremely close, like different then a normal "friendship". So this is why I'm so confused and don't understand it.

Thana · Oct 2, 2015

Sounds like you put to much of yourself into him.
I'd suggest taking a step back and just living your own life for a while so you can gain some perspective.

psychoslice · Oct 2, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
It's not like that at all, it has nothing to do with an obsession. Me and him, just it's complicated, how it all started. But when I mean we are close I mean we are extremely close, like different then a normal "friendship". So this is why I'm so confused and don't understand it.

All I can say really, is that its all part of life, most of us had to learn, and most the time the hard way, I'm sure you will feel the same way about someone else in the future, and we believe that all our relationships are special, its just the way we are.

Laika · Oct 2, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
Wow, fantastic response, thank you. But I guess your right he can only do so much. Sometimes I'll need help and he won't know what to do. He'll ask me what do you want me to do for you. I'll tell him, and he'll hesitate, half *** it, or sometimes he does do it. But it's just irritating. And if he does do that one thing it would make a huge difference for me, and probably for him.

You're Welcome. In all probability, if you take a step back the help he gives you isn't as important as being with him and having someone to talk to. its the sense of feeling connected and not facing your problems alone that will make you feel safe. I think you should take the fact that he does ask what you want help with as something very special. people tend to wear a mask and he may be someone who is a people pleaser; he may do it out of habit because it has been expected of him in the past rather than because he sincerely wants to and may resent it at times. We're all trained to be "nice people" but sometimes it can get taken too far and be at our disadvantage. if he gets under stress, this can put a strain on a relationship as he won't ask for help. "strong" people tend to be the ones who need to be and have had a few "knocks" along the way. My experiences says you have an unusual relationship, so keep working on it and look after him as well. Someone probably needs to let him know its ok to say "no" every so often and to ask for help too. With that in mind, I hope things work out.

crhodes9898 · Oct 3, 2015

Laika said:
You're Welcome. In all probability, if you take a step back the help he gives you isn't as important as being with him and having someone to talk to. its the sense of feeling connected and not facing your problems alone that will make you feel safe. I think you should take the fact that he does ask what you want help with as something very special. people tend to wear a mask and he may be someone who is a people pleaser; he may do it out of habit because it has been expected of him in the past rather than because he sincerely wants to and may resent it at times. We're all trained to be "nice people" but sometimes it can get taken too far and be at our disadvantage. if he gets under stress, this can put a strain on a relationship as he won't ask for help. "strong" people tend to be the ones who need to be and have had a few "knocks" along the way. My experiences says you have an unusual relationship, so keep working on it and look after him as well. Someone probably needs to let him know its ok to say "no" every so often and to ask for help too. With that in mind, I hope things work out.

Well I think it's that I expect someone, not just him for example, but anyone to know to do something in a situation, and not just freeze and do nothing, which then changes me from being upset, to upset and pissed.

Laika · Oct 3, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
Well I think it's that I expect someone, not just him for example, but anyone to know to do something in a situation, and not just freeze and do nothing, which then changes me from being upset, to upset and pissed.

Well, I hope things work out. just look after yourself and don't stress. A great many problems can be solved with a hug and the world seems like a better place for it.

b.finton · Oct 3, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
Well I think it's that I expect someone, not just him for example, but anyone to know to do something in a situation, and not just freeze and do nothing, which then changes me from being upset, to upset and pissed.

Forgive me, but it sounds as though your expectations are the trump card, here. And do they follow on from there? Will you have expectations for-- behavior, performance-- whatever, going forward? A push of expectations?

If so, you must really stop to think of where you are as a being, because compelling expectation is the prime motivator of a dictatorial personality.

I trust that your relationship will benefit the both of you beyond your expectations, in the end. In the mean time, satisfaction will surely come to you if you can find rest within yourself. This is for your health, whether the friendship continues or lapses.

We're all friends, in the end.

b.

crhodes9898 · Oct 6, 2015

b.finton said:
Forgive me, but it sounds as though your expectations are the trump card, here. And do they follow on from there? Will you have expectations for-- behavior, performance-- whatever, going forward? A push of expectations?

If so, you must really stop to think of where you are as a being, because compelling expectation is the prime motivator of a dictatorial personality.

I trust that your relationship will benefit the both of you beyond your expectations, in the end. In the mean time, satisfaction will surely come to you if you can find rest within yourself. This is for your health, whether the friendship continues or lapses.

We're all friends, in the end.

b.

I'm confused with what you're saying. But right now I know, this "friend" doesn't even want to talk about trying to get better or fox things. He wants to "take a break" from it. Me being a very impatient person, I just want to fix it and have it be a great relationship.

b.finton · Oct 6, 2015

crhodes9898 said:
I'm confused with what you're saying. But right now I know, this "friend" doesn't even want to talk about trying to get better or fox things. He wants to "take a break" from it. Me being a very impatient person, I just want to fix it and have it be a great relationship.

In other words, he did not meet your expectations and he yet persists in non-compliance?

Not talking about it is a wise approach to an impasse, from my perspective: "Time is on our side," as the song goes.

b.

I need help with a friend problem

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