Divorce Guilt

I usually attempt to avoid posting anything about myself and bringing any real life issues to the forum. But in this case I really am lost and I've tried other forums.

For the past five years I have been with the woman that is currently my wife. We have been married for about a year and a half. She has borderline personality disorder and obviously has some troubled issues. I have been thinking no and off more or less the whole relationship if we should really be together or not.

I think in somehow I have been very lonely and the thought of loosing her was too painful. The though of being alone was painful. Actually is was the process of loss that was most painful. Anyway there there was a host of issues that eventually prompted the divorce. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, though this goes in and out depending on the day (as it is with borderline individuals).

She feels she is disabled and perhaps she really is but she hasn't ever really attempted to get a job and has never provided a single ounce of income. She hates my family. She hates my friends. She doesn't cook or clean on any sort of regular basis. She has ideas about the future that doesn't match with mine, (she wants to live in a tiny house and I do not, I want kids and she does not).

When I list it out there is a clear and obvious choice that I should leave her. Its not that she is just a terrible person or that I am a terrible person I just don't think that we are right for each other and we should split up. Things aren't working financially, emotionally or in reality any other way.

But now she obviously hates me for trying to break things off and she will be poor as she has no job and no real income other than what I give her.

I feel a crushing guilt for what I am doing to her but I haven't changed my mind that the divorce was the right thing. I just don't know how to deal with the guilt and the sadness coming from this divorce.

In my experience it helps to be very rational about the whole matter, as you seem to be well aware.

The pain will have to express itself and then be gone. Attempting to minimize it is not likely to be helpful, because the pain is a direct consequence of the sincerity and meaningfulness of your best intentions regarding her.

Allow the pain to get tired of existing, but don't attempt to "engage" against it. Laugh at it, argue with it, discuss things rationally and verbally with. Whatever you feel like, but don't create a direct contradiction by attempting to minimize it.

All the best.

Virtually everyone that goes through a divorce (myself included) feels guilt and they also feel like a failure. First you are not a failure and it takes 2 for any relationship to succeed or fail so it is not all you.

My first wife had similar issues to what you are talking about and when she left I was angry, very angry, mostly at myself (and I will not get into that here). But a good friend convinced me to go see a counselor and that made all the difference. It was not to long that I realized how much better off I was and I had a work incident (hospital security) where a woman came in screaming that she needed her Prozac, which was a medication my ex- had convinced a doctor (she had tried 3 MDs to get this) that she needed. As I was standing there keeping an eye on this woman she picked up a stainless steel trash can and threw it at me while screaming "Where's my damn husband with my PROZAC". It was at that point realized how lucky I was that I was no longer with my ex-wife. (she also missed me with the trash can too).

Time heals all wounds but when you are at the beginning of this you can't believe it will ever get better, everyone tells you it is not your fault and you will be ok but you really do not believe them. My recommendation is get to a counselor and discuss this, it will do a whole lot more for you than trying to work through this by posting on a web forum

Monk Of Reason said:

I usually attempt to avoid posting anything about myself and bringing any real life issues to the forum. But in this case I really am lost and I've tried other forums.

For the past five years I have been with the woman that is currently my wife. We have been married for about a year and a half. She has borderline personality disorder and obviously has some troubled issues. I have been thinking no and off more or less the whole relationship if we should really be together or not.

I think in somehow I have been very lonely and the thought of loosing her was too painful. The though of being alone was painful. Actually is was the process of loss that was most painful. Anyway there there was a host of issues that eventually prompted the divorce. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, though this goes in and out depending on the day (as it is with borderline individuals).

She feels she is disabled and perhaps she really is but she hasn't ever really attempted to get a job and has never provided a single ounce of income. She hates my family. She hates my friends. She doesn't cook or clean on any sort of regular basis. She has ideas about the future that doesn't match with mine, (she wants to live in a tiny house and I do not, I want kids and she does not).

When I list it out there is a clear and obvious choice that I should leave her. Its not that she is just a terrible person or that I am a terrible person I just don't think that we are right for each other and we should split up. Things aren't working financially, emotionally or in reality any other way.

But now she obviously hates me for trying to break things off and she will be poor as she has no job and no real income other than what I give her.

I feel a crushing guilt for what I am doing to her but I haven't changed my mind that the divorce was the right thing. I just don't know how to deal with the guilt and the sadness coming from this divorce.

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While I have never been married, I have certainly been with a few girl-friends that I lived with for multiple years at a time. I had the same feelings of depression (I actually suffer from depression/anxiety and have my entire life) after thinking of being alone, the thought of my girlfriends being with other dudes, coming home to an empty house, etc. But, with the help of my sister (best friend too), I was able to make those tough decisions when it got to a point where no good was coming out of the relationships. It was tough, but I have never regretted the decisions I made, as I always eventually saw my outlook and life in general improve.

Hope this helps. I know it's terrifying, but is it better being with your wife and being miserable for sure, or taking the chance and possibly being miserable being alone (which is just an illusion ... you'll be fine; just takes time).

Dump her !!

Sounds like my ex.

Anyway she survived, I survived. Life goes on.

It was probably better for her. The government got involved to try and help her with support groups to get herself organized.

This was not what I expected. She seemed pretty normal when we got married. I wasn't equipped to handle such a relationship myself.

Thanks guys. I know that I will eventually be better off. I don't know that she will. I think she will eventually but I don't know for sure. I know there isn't really anything anyone can say or do (myself included) to make me feel better. Its just something I"ll have to deal with over time. And again I do feel all of the sadness of my marriage ending but what seems to be killing more than anything is the guilt.

See on the 4th of this month she actually asked me for a divorce. I went through my grieving process and by the 8th I had more or less accepted that we were divorced and began to move on a little emotionally. However on the 8th she suddenly wanted to get back together again. I told her I would have to think about it and she kind of went balistic and started packing her things and was going to go live on the streets starting that moment. So I reluctantly accepted that we would try to work things out. I hate that I said that because I realized within a few days that I was not going to stay with her and now it was on me to end the relationship.

Though I am currently mad at her for different reasons. She has an open offer to live with her father who would give her an extra bedroom and can put her up for as long as she needs. However he doesn't agree with her religion (which is wicca). However her mom doesn't agree with her religion either and has a history of being abuse, is totally dirt poor and lives in the projects of a crappy city in NY. Yet she chooses to go live with her instead. I don't understand this logic but in a way it helps me a bit with the guilt that she is purposefully going to live in a worse situation rather than a better one.

I went through one divorce, and am desperately patching up a second marriage right now. My second marriage has created my son, who has re-infused my life. My second wife gave me a jolt of ambition that turned me into a fairly successful and wealthy man. My second wife also made me feel like I had accomplished something. She's also the best friend I ever had, and I'm slowly winning her back, which fills my heart with joy.

If not for the crucible of my first divorce, I might not have her.

I do yearn that something comes from this divorce and this failed marriage that will mean something in the future.

Monk Of Reason said:

Thanks guys. I know that I will eventually be better off. I don't know that she will. I think she will eventually but I don't know for sure. I know there isn't really anything anyone can say or do (myself included) to make me feel better. Its just something I"ll have to deal with over time. And again I do feel all of the sadness of my marriage ending but what seems to be killing more than anything is the guilt.

See on the 4th of this month she actually asked me for a divorce. I went through my grieving process and by the 8th I had more or less accepted that we were divorced and began to move on a little emotionally. However on the 8th she suddenly wanted to get back together again. I told her I would have to think about it and she kind of went balistic and started packing her things and was going to go live on the streets starting that moment. So I reluctantly accepted that we would try to work things out. I hate that I said that because I realized within a few days that I was not going to stay with her and now it was on me to end the relationship.

Though I am currently mad at her for different reasons. She has an open offer to live with her father who would give her an extra bedroom and can put her up for as long as she needs. However he doesn't agree with her religion (which is wicca). However her mom doesn't agree with her religion either and has a history of being abuse, is totally dirt poor and lives in the projects of a crappy city in NY. Yet she chooses to go live with her instead. I don't understand this logic but in a way it helps me a bit with the guilt that she is purposefully going to live in a worse situation rather than a better one.

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I was with someone for 5 years, and although we weren't married we were engaged. She ended it, and for one year after we tried to make it work and it took me almost 3 years to fully get over her. While we were trying to make it work, she was secretly seeing someone else and hiding it from me the whole time. It was incredibly painful, but I learned something really important from that.

I learned that most people are incredibly selfish and always looking out for themselves. I learned that the only people who truly care about you in life are your family and a few good friends. And the most important and painful thing I learned is that romantic love is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's not this powerful force of the universe, it comes and goes. It is temporary. With that I was liberated. There's a tremendous amount of power you gain when you realize that marriage is supposed to be more practical than emotional. It gives you more power over your life. And you will learn other things as well, in your own way. And that will hopefully lead to a better future with the next person you meet.

I don't know her story, nor her details. I do know that BPD is not as debilitating as bipolar or schizophrenia and people can have rather productive lives with it. I hope she can help herself.

Good luck.

Monk Of Reason said:

I usually attempt to avoid posting anything about myself and bringing any real life issues to the forum. But in this case I really am lost and I've tried other forums.

For the past five years I have been with the woman that is currently my wife. We have been married for about a year and a half. She has borderline personality disorder and obviously has some troubled issues. I have been thinking no and off more or less the whole relationship if we should really be together or not.

I think in somehow I have been very lonely and the thought of loosing her was too painful. The though of being alone was painful. Actually is was the process of loss that was most painful. Anyway there there was a host of issues that eventually prompted the divorce. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, though this goes in and out depending on the day (as it is with borderline individuals).

She feels she is disabled and perhaps she really is but she hasn't ever really attempted to get a job and has never provided a single ounce of income. She hates my family. She hates my friends. She doesn't cook or clean on any sort of regular basis. She has ideas about the future that doesn't match with mine, (she wants to live in a tiny house and I do not, I want kids and she does not).

When I list it out there is a clear and obvious choice that I should leave her. Its not that she is just a terrible person or that I am a terrible person I just don't think that we are right for each other and we should split up. Things aren't working financially, emotionally or in reality any other way.

But now she obviously hates me for trying to break things off and she will be poor as she has no job and no real income other than what I give her.

I feel a crushing guilt for what I am doing to her but I haven't changed my mind that the divorce was the right thing. I just don't know how to deal with the guilt and the sadness coming from this divorce.

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Here's perspective from a woman.

I found my divorce to be equally liberating and crushing. As I initiated our separation, I felt a great sense of guilt, because I was ready to move on and knew that he wasn't. I truly cared about him. I still do. We shared thirteen years of our lives together and had two beautiful daughters together. Even though leaving him was the right thing to do, the end of our marriage felt much like laying a part of myself to rest. In ways, I worked through it as I would losing someone to death.

I was happily engaged when my divorce was finalized. When I opened the envelope with our finalized divorce papers, I broke down.

I think that the guilt you're feeling is part of a grieving process that you'll have to work through in your own way. You care about this woman, even though you're not well matched. You're conscientious as to her feelings because you care.

For me, it was a process. I had to give myself permission to grieve and reminded myself often that I did the right thing. I forgave myself.

Go see a lawyer and file for divorce. If things change they change if they don't let the divorce go through.

Stop talking and make a move.

dawny0826 said:

Here's perspective from a woman.

I found my divorce to be equally liberating and crushing. As I initiated our separation, I felt a great sense of guilt, because I was ready to move on and knew that he wasn't. I truly cared about him. I still do. We shared thirteen years of our lives together and had two beautiful daughters together. Even though leaving him was the right thing to do, the end of our marriage felt much like laying a part of myself to rest. In ways, I worked through it as I would losing someone to death.

I was happily engaged when my divorce was finalized. When I opened the envelope with our finalized divorce papers, I broke down.

I think that the guilt you're feeling is part of a grieving process that you'll have to work through in your own way. You care about this woman, even though you're not well matched. You're conscientious as to her feelings because you care.

For me, it was a process. I had to give myself permission to grieve and reminded myself often that I did the right thing. I forgave myself.

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Thank you for your story. I don't know if it really helps but I appreciate it none the less. Its not that it was unhelpful but just that I don't think there is really anything anyone can say or do that can make someone feel better during this kind of thing.

I had been doing better but today I broke down when we finally bought her plane ticket. She is leaving early Sunday morning and I don't really know how to deal with it emotionally. I thought it wasn't going to be as hard as all that but I really kind of fell apart at work. Right now i'm having to take a break because of it.

I also find it strange that there are things that surprise me. For example she seems to already be developing feelings for someone else and it doesn't hurt me to think about that. In fact it makes me feel better somewhat. I guess I have a ton of guilt that I am the one leaving her rather than it being simply a mutual divorce.

Just as an update I just dropped my wife off at the airport. Looking at the clock right now she is due for her plane to leave in about 8-9 minutes.

I don't think that either of you is a terrible person... you just happened to be, well, different!

From knowing you so far, I think you're a good person.

Did you two sit together and tried to find a middle ground? Like maybe a mid-sized house instead of either big or small, have just 1 or 2 children? Like telling her that you would love to eat her home cooking food from time to time? You know, trying to reach and agreement with reasonable and tolerant discussion.

Do you two (still) love each other? If you do, I think this is the start.

Smart_Guy said:

I don't think that either of you is a terrible person... you just happened to be, well, different!

From knowing you so far, I think you're a good person.

Did you two sit together and tried to find a middle ground? Like maybe a mid-sized house instead of either big or small, have just 1 or 2 children? Like telling her that you would love to eat her home cooking food from time to time? You know, trying to reach and agreement with reasonable and tolerant discussion.

Do you two (still) love each other? If you do, I think this is the start.

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We did. But many things still didn't go well. And I don't know if things will ever work out with us. I don't know if she still loves me. I love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. But It still hurts being away from her.

Monk Of Reason said:

We did. But many things still didn't go well. And I don't know if things will ever work out with us. I don't know if she still loves me. I love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. But It still hurts being away from her.

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I hope things go the way you want. God bless, man.

Monk Of Reason said:

I usually attempt to avoid posting anything about myself and bringing any real life issues to the forum. But in this case I really am lost and I've tried other forums.

For the past five years I have been with the woman that is currently my wife. We have been married for about a year and a half. She has borderline personality disorder and obviously has some troubled issues. I have been thinking no and off more or less the whole relationship if we should really be together or not.

I think in somehow I have been very lonely and the thought of loosing her was too painful. The though of being alone was painful. Actually is was the process of loss that was most painful. Anyway there there was a host of issues that eventually prompted the divorce. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, though this goes in and out depending on the day (as it is with borderline individuals).

She feels she is disabled and perhaps she really is but she hasn't ever really attempted to get a job and has never provided a single ounce of income. She hates my family. She hates my friends. She doesn't cook or clean on any sort of regular basis. She has ideas about the future that doesn't match with mine, (she wants to live in a tiny house and I do not, I want kids and she does not).

When I list it out there is a clear and obvious choice that I should leave her. Its not that she is just a terrible person or that I am a terrible person I just don't think that we are right for each other and we should split up. Things aren't working financially, emotionally or in reality any other way.

But now she obviously hates me for trying to break things off and she will be poor as she has no job and no real income other than what I give her.

I feel a crushing guilt for what I am doing to her but I haven't changed my mind that the divorce was the right thing. I just don't know how to deal with the guilt and the sadness coming from this divorce.

Click to expand...

I was in a similar position many years ago. I think you are making a hard choice, but the right one.

Monk Of Reason said:

I feel a crushing guilt for what I am doing to her but I haven't changed my mind that the divorce was the right thing. I just don't know how to deal with the guilt and the sadness coming from this divorce.

Click to expand...

Monk Of Reason said:

I do yearn that something comes from this divorce and this failed marriage that will mean something in the future.

Click to expand...

Man, I had a very similar situation plus I had children involved... It was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done.

The only real advice that I can give you about getting over the guilt and the sadness, or about maintaining faith that something positive comes from this, is to juts trust yourself.
You obviously don't make decisions lightly and you need to remind yourself, during the down periods, that you didn't make this decision lightly. That will help to fortify your foundation whenever it feels crumbly.

As cold as it may seem, she simply is not your responsibility.
You are two human beings that at one point chose to try something together and it didn't work. You are two separate individuals who wanted to try something. That implies that she too is an individual person who doesn't rely on you for being alive. I know it can feel like it now because of how much you've probably invested in her over the years. But the truth of the matter is, she is a person capable of taking care of herself just like anyone else. Don't let your emotions cloud your reason here - and don't listen to people who would say otherwise. She quite obviously managed to survive before she met you. She can do the same without you in her life. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

My ex wife was very dependent on me. Some of that came from her own lack of work ethic and some came from my enabling of that. Over the years, I grew to feel like she was my responsibility. It became part of my identity as a husband and father... Chiseling off part of my own identity was as hard, if not harder, than the rest of it...One of the main reasons that she got as upset with me as she did when I decided to leave was because the free-ride was over for her...and her mother... and her sister... There was some personal loss on her part as well. But people, like animals, respond unreasonably when you take away their free meal. Pull the carcass away from the lion and the lion will freak out, right? Human relationships aren't much different.

Anyway, I took on an enormous amount of guilt to go along with that, feeling similar to how you do now. But I knew what I was doing, why I was doing it, and I knew I wasn't making a decision lightly.
It's taken 4 years, really, to get over what transpired in November 2011. We were together for almost 10 years and have two children together, so I imagine that your situation will level out sooner than that.

Just take time for yourself, dude. You have to create pockets of solitude in your life that you can retreat to. You can't always be dealing with it or thinking about. It's not healthy. It's not the end of the world, despite what your emotions will tell you sometimes, and it's not even that big of a deal, when you put it in perspective. These things can take a huge emotional toll, I know. But once time and space had sufficiently distanced you from the epicenter of your feelings, you'll realize how trivial they really are. It's just a break up - not that different from breaking up with your first girlfriend back in middle school.

Monk Of Reason said:

But It still hurts being away from her.

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How much of that hurt comes from the loss of normalcy, more than the loss of the individual?
Does this suck more because you miss her, or just because you're lonely?
Does it hurt because of her, or because of you?

I find that feelings are much easier to manage once you specifically identify what is causing them...

I'll just be honest, I cried for days on end - not because I missed her but because of what my perception of divorce meant to me, what I thought it meant for my kids, and what it was doing to my identity.
I battled myself for weeks, having to push down the rising tides of guilt or anguish or other such useless emotions. I became a much more pragmatic person. If something isn't productive or beneficial, I throw it out. You'll have to do the same.