Having a hard time considering going back to Church

[AndyLc]

Growing up my family was not particularly religious. We're not even talking Christmas and Easter Christians. We celebrated a secular Christmas - the mos religious thing was that we had a felted nativity floating around. When I was a 9 my stepfather became really active in a very conservative, evangelical church and we started attending. At 13 I was basically locked in a ministers office with some churchy people who tried to "pray out the gay" by laying hands on me and talking in tongues. I hadn't been back to a church since then. I have been to a couple of services with my partner at her shul but I am not Jewish and I was definitely going for her benefit.

Recently, as in within the last two weeks, I have gone to the UU church in a nearby city. I really like it, but when I was 9 I remember really liking, and feeling included, in the evangelical church. I'm having this reactionary need to get as far as I can from a church, even though I know that they are completely open and accepting.

Has anybody else had these problems? Trying out a UU church after a really bad experience at different church?

i'm almost afraid to let myself become part of the community because of how crappy things were in the past for me.

Thanks for any input you may have.

[applewuud]

Be easy on yourself...any number of people in a typical UU congregation have uneasy feelings about church. It's OK to hold oneself a little apart, to just attend when you feel like it. There's no expectation that you should dive in to full membership. I attended a UU church for almost 10 years without becoming a formal member. And no community is without its trials, especially if you're feeling fragile.

There was a wonderful sermon by Rev. Gail Geisenhainer at General Assembly in 2006 that expresses some of the possibilities very well:

(This is a quote from UUA News & Events: General Assembly 2006: 5002 Sunday Worship; watch the video of the sermon if you can, it's worth it.)

The Reverend Gail Geisenhainer, minister of the Unitarian Uiversalist Fellowship of Vero Beach, Florida, stepped forward to deliver a sermon titled "We Who Believe in Freedom Cannot Rest." ...

"I was forthrightly evangelized into Unitarian Universalism," she began, to scattered cheers from the congregation. "I was 38 years old, living in Maine, and driving a snow plow for a living, and feeling very sorry for myself when a friend invited me to his church. He said it was—different." Laughter greeted this remark.

"I rudely refused," Geisenhainer continued. "Truth be told, I cursed his church. 'All blanking churches are the same,' I said, 'They say they're open but they don't want queer folk.' But my friend persisted. He knew his church was different.... He assured me I could come and not have to hide any element of who I was."

"I went. Oh, mama, I went, and I dressed so carefully for my first Sunday. I spiked my short hair straight up into the air. I dug out my oldest, heaviest work boots with the chain saw cut on one toe that showed the metal underneath the black leather.... There would not be one shred of ambiguity that Sunday." The congregation laughed sympathetically. "Those people would embrace my full Amazon glory, or they could go fry ice."

"I bundled up every shred of pain" that she carried as an out lesbian, "and I lumbered into that tiny meeting house on the coast of Maine," said Geisenhainer. "I expected the little gray-haired ladies in the foyer to step back in fear. Instead, those ladies stepped forward as I entered." The congregation erupted into cheers and applause.

"They never even flinched," said Geisenhainer. "They called me 'dear.' It was so—odd." The people of that congregation invited Geisenhainer to stay for coffee after the worship service. "I stayed for coffee. I stayed for Unitarian Universalism."

Geisenhainer became a part of that congregation, but the way was not always smooth. One Sunday, during the congregational sharing of joys and concerns, one woman in the congregation stood and spoke about how she thought all homosexuals should be segregated from the rest of society, and how they were not fully human. Geisenhainer left that worship service as quickly as possible.

"But I went back," she said. "I was learning my first lesson about being in covenant. When things get ugly, we do not walk away." This statement was greeted with applause and cries of "All right!"

"Mercy, how we yearn to walk away," she continued. "That's OK, but our covenant calls us to abide and to work things through together."

The next Sunday, Geisenhainer did go back to that small Maine church. That next Sunday, during the sharing of joys and concerns, people rose to speak who had never spoken before during the worship service. "Person after person rose to announce that not everything we heard last week was true or representative of who we are as a Unitarian Universalist congregation."

However, said Geisenhainer, members of that congregation did not demonize or dehumanize the woman who had made homophobic remarks. "They did not start calling her names: that homophobe, or that gay basher," Geisenhainer said. "None of that happened."

Quoting the words of Gotama Buddha, Geisenhainer said, "Never does hatred cease by hating in return." Then she added, "My friend was right—his church was different. He did forget to tell us, however, that some Sundays we could be in for a wild wild ride."

Geisenhainer said she was sometimes frustrated by the pace of change in that Maine congregation, as they worked towards full and open acceptance of gay and lesbian persons. But in the end, she realized that it was best to keep everyone in relation, in covenant, rather than to issue denunciations.

Referring to the theology of Martin Buber, author of I Thou, Geisenhainer said, "I had walked into that meetinghouse as a bruised and fighting 'I' but in time that turned into a 'we'."

Going back to the moment when the woman had risen to make her comments about gay and lesbians persons, Geisenhainer recalled that it felt like everything stopped, including her breathing. That Sunday, she fled the church immediately at the conclusion of the service. A man held the door open for her as she left, and said, "See you next week."

"Was he mad, was he impaired, has he not heard what that woman had said?" Geisenhainer said. "It was at once a question and an invitation.... The man's voice, his soft smile, his gentle tone, his direct eye contact.... Ours was an I-Thou encounter, the very thing I had been seeking. It was an acceptance of the reality that I might not come back." And by that man saying that, Geisenhainer found that she could start breathing again.

"Within our religious community, I feel that we have all too many breath-stopping moments," she continued. "In some congregations, I fear we have grown all too accustomed to this heavy artillery of meanness."

"What spiritual practice and discipline do you employ to get back on track when you have been stopped by meanness and bigotry?" she asked. She encouraged those in the congregation to develop such spiritual practices and spiritual disciplines.

[Nothing]

AndyLc,
your difficulty is understandable and despite the welcoming and loving acceptance that UU offers you, those old feelings of rejections are hard to shake. Don't be hard on yourself if you cannot overcome it all at once. Appreciate the small victories as they come. You know enough of UU to know it will not judge you. Now you must face your harshest judge. You!! Be gentle, for when you are gentle with yourself you do not judge so harshly. When you are ready you will go to church. Until then be good to you!
I admire you for your openess and honesty and through this you will attract the unity and friendship you deserve.
Thank you for starting this thread.

[Demonic Kitten]

I used to go to a baptist church when I was growing up and I learned rather quickly that you either believed what you were told or you were kicked out. That was my experience anyway. Who knew asking about dinosaurs and evolution could get you kicked out of church? I never went back, but that was because I decided that religion of anykind was not right for me. I found myself thinking badly of all baptist and eventually I started thinking bad about all christians, which was not true. I had to take a step back and remind myself that people are people no matter what they believe in. If you believe that going to church is right for you then you will find one that fits you, but you have to take that leap of faith first. Not all churches are the same.

[Mr Cheese]

Originally Posted by Demonic Kitten

I used to go to a baptist church when I was growing up and I learned rather quickly that you either believed what you were told or you were kicked out. That was my experience anyway. Who knew asking about dinosaurs and evolution could get you kicked out of church? I never went back, but that was because I decided that religion of anykind was not right for me. I found myself thinking badly of all baptist and eventually I started thinking bad about all christians, which was not true. I had to take a step back and remind myself that people are people no matter what they believe in. If you believe that going to church is right for you then you will find one that fits you, but you have to take that leap of faith first. Not all churches are the same.

Ironically, the baptist church used to be exactly opposite to what you have described

Its funny how things (un-)evolve....

[applewuud]

Originally Posted by AndyLc

When I was a 9 my stepfather became really active in a very conservative, evangelical church and we started attending. At 13 I was basically locked in a ministers office with some churchy people who tried to "pray out the gay" by laying hands on me and talking in tongues. I hadn't been back to a church since then...
i'm almost afraid to let myself become part of the community because of how crappy things were in the past for me.

Andy, what was the attitude of your stepfather after this incident? And what was your mother's religious life like?

It might be healing to explore why people with absolutely no religious background were suddenly attracted to a church? They had a need that was met, and there was something the nine-year-old you enjoyed too. But their inexperience with religion may have simply led them in a direction that didn't fit your family. Having your family enfolded in a larger community that has an ethic of caring for all its members was good support, it was simply packaged along with some other theology that didn't accept who you are.

I have been to a couple of services with my partner at her shul but I am not Jewish and I was definitely going for her benefit.

It would be great if you could explore this together. Did she try coming to the UU church for a service? Some UU churches have Passover seder dinners (well, a long wait for that one). You might try a Reconstructionist Jewish synagogue if there's one near you; they are to Judaism what UUs are to Christianity.

[jennadp1216]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I too, had a similar experience, being shunned in organized religion, scaring me from all religions for the longest time, and very hesitant still. I went to a church with a friend all the time in high school, they invited me on a trip and had this HUGE mass between all their churches TOGETHER. During this mass, people came up to get saved, and i was told by the owner of the church that i needed to go get saved, and I told him, hey, i was raised catholic and my parents don't mind me going to a different church but would prefer that I do not get saved, out of respect for them, I'm not going to, i'm only here to praise god and for my own knowledge (this was in high school). They basically told me that I didnt have to go to hell like my parents. I walked out, and haven't gone back to a church since then. Until I found a UU church, and although I go more than i have any other church, I still am hesitant to put myself 100% into it because of my past experience. However, I follow their newsletters, and when i see a service that covers a topic I'm interested in hearing about, I go for myself, for the information I'm going to receive, for the Point of views i'm going to hear. I guess thats a start for me? Don't know if this helps you, but hopefully it does somehow, and if not, at least hopefully it will make you feel less alone ;0)

[YmirGF]

Originally Posted by AndyLc

i'm almost afraid to let myself become part of the community because of how crappy things were in the past for me.

Thanks for any input you may have.

I think going to the UU church is a good remedy for getting over your unpleasant past experience. After you have that dealt with, the thing that you have to ask yourself is why you feel a need to continue going to church at all. What do you expect to get out of it?