UU joke of the day/week (Jesus, ritual, virgin, grace)

[Green Gaia]

A man was being given a tour of Hell by the Devil. "This is the area where we keep people who have violated the food taboos of their religion", the Devil said. "Behind this first door are the Catholics. These are the ones who ate meat on Friday. Behind the second door are the Jews. They all ate pork. Behind the third door are the Unitarians." The man looked puzzled. The Devil clarified, "They didn't partake of tofu, hummus, or free-trade coffee."

[Green Gaia]

I am The Very Model of a Modern Unitarian

by Christopher Gist Raible
Sung to "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
from "The Pirates of Penzance".

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world's religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I'm full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.

Chorus:
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty empty pews.

I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I'm anti nuke, I don't pollute I'm chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.

Chorus:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.

I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'm leary about worshipping.
I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I'm not sure what they are).
I'm open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.

Chorus:
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.

I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of 'em,
But don't ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of 'em.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today's religious liberal.

Chorus:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today's religious liberal.

[Green Gaia]

The only thing a UU can't tolerate is intolerance.

[Scuba Pete]

The only thing a UU hates is Bigotry.

[Green Gaia]

Once upon a time, there was a man who had no religion, but was a very good and honest fellow. At death, he found himself in heaven. A kindly looking gentleman was waiting for him. Said the gatekeeper of heaven, "What religion are you sir?".

The man said, "I have no religion."

The gatekeeper said, "Well, where would you like to spend eternity, then?"

The man shrugged. "What are some options?"

Together, they strolled through the halls of heaven, looking in different rooms. In the first, a great congregation knelt before a great glowing figure, their faces to the ground and their hands outstretched. The man didn't think that looked too good.

Next, they stood outside a large sanctuary where a preacher was preaching loudly, to many "Amens" and "Hallelujahs." St. Peter put a finger to his lips and said, "And at this door, we need to be ver-r-r-r-r-r-y quiet."

"Why?" asked the newcomer.

"Because," St. Peter replied, "Those are the Southern Baptists, and they think they're the only ones here."

In another, a great congegration knelt before a fellow hanging from a big cross. The man didn't think much of that either. And indeed, in every room, the man found less than satisfactory situations in which to spend eternity. So, finally the gatekeeper said, "Okay, there's one last option."

The walked down the hall, and the gatekeeper opened the final door, behind which were a great congregation dancing in a big ring around a huge coffeepot singing "Coffee, coffee, coffee!".

[Scuba Pete]

Shortly after my conversion to Christianty, my sister was wed in the UU church in Orlando. It was the first time in a few years that I had been there. The minister, Miles, came up and asked me if I was still in school and I told him what happened. Intrigued, he asked me what I liked about my "new found home" and one of the things I mentioned was the weekly communion. His reply was, "We don't do communion; we do coffee!" Since the wedding was on a Friday night, the following day's work party at the building was announced. The minister asked me if I would take one more turn at fixing the mowers. The next day it was only he and I doing all of the work. We tinkered, we mowed and swept inside and out. Most importantly, we took time to make some coffee, and got the pot ready for the next day. That was a really fond memory of a good time.

[lilithu]

Maize, your coffee house thread reminded me of this joke as well:

Three children were talking about their religions. "I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross." "I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David." The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a coffee pot!"

I'm sipping a mocha as I type this btw.

[lilithu]

This wasn't actually written as a joke, but parts of "The Very Model of a Modern Unitarian" reminded me of it. It was written by a UU minister, the Rev. Duke Gray:

The Liberal Church

We are a free and liberal church.

We do not permit the burning of incense because Catholics do that.
We do not permit the lighting of candles because Jews do that.
We do not permit the ringing of bells because Buddhists do that.
We do not permit the singing of hymns because Protestants do that.
We do not permit any offering of prayer because nearly everyone else does that.

We are so free.


To be fair, this was written in the 70's, at the height of the secular humanist hold on UU. And Rev. Gray did more than just complain, he was one who helped move us back to a concept of worship.

[Green Gaia]

How many Unitarian Univeralists does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to write a solemn statement which will affirm the following:

This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps.
There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all "dark" bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality.
We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference.
UUs seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second UU who will read this statement, even if s/he is the only human being to do so, and then to write the obligatory criticism and dissent.

A third UU to light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.

[Green Gaia]

Originally Posted by lilithu

I'm sipping a mocha as I type this btw.

I'm hardly ever without a coffee mug in my hand, lol.