Confusion-> Frustration. (reject, Buddhism, grace, experience, grace)

[ChrisP]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Could I borrow your Hedgeclippers"

Confused?

Me too.

[ChrisP]

Tao, the way, balance, any other name you would like to call our path is unique in that it accepts things as they are, right now, and does not seek to improve them. Rather it chooses to identify the usefulness of the circumstance.

What ways have you found in your experiences that allow confusion and frustration (a byproduct of confusion) to be directed, such that there is balance.

Particularly in the case of unbalanced confusion and frustration I am experiencing difficulty. My mind is confused, which frustrates my heart, which sets off my rather Irish temper a lot more quickly than I would like. Other things I am doing are completely out of character and I am curious how other members have reconciled balance in their heart DESPITE their frustrations and confusion.

In short I am already aware of the problem, but despite appearances am not interested in distracting myself. It would be better if acceptance of given situations could be achieved.

The question then becomes what is acceptable for balance in matters of the heart.

Ok, so I've probably answered my own initial question, but have ended up with an entirely new one.

Your thoughts?

[michel]

Acceptance is the essense; I have some pretty good literature on 'mindfulness' - the ability to perceive the response or feelings from any part of one's body non-judgementally while still being focussed on the task in hand.

I believe that mindfulness is an essential tool; I sometimes do the excercise just walking down the road, just concentrating on using all my senses - but letting the thought or feeling pass, just as it came in.

The idea is derived from Buddhism, but I am sure it is a direct parallel to tao.

[PureX]

Originally Posted by ChrisP

Tao, the way, balance, any other name you would like to call our path is unique in that it accepts things as they are, right now, and does not seek to improve them. Rather it chooses to identify the usefulness of the circumstance.

What ways have you found in your experiences that allow confusion and frustration (a byproduct of confusion) to be directed, such that there is balance.

Particularly in the case of unbalanced confusion and frustration I am experiencing difficulty. My mind is confused, which frustrates my heart, which sets off my rather Irish temper a lot more quickly than I would like. Other things I am doing are completely out of character and I am curious how other members have reconciled balance in their heart DESPITE their frustrations and confusion.

In short I am already aware of the problem, but despite appearances am not interested in distracting myself. It would be better if acceptance of given situations could be achieved.

The question then becomes what is acceptable for balance in matters of the heart.

Ok, so I've probably answered my own initial question, but have ended up with an entirely new one.

Your thoughts?

I don't clearly understand what you're asking.

If I were bothered and upset about something, then I would need to ask myself if I have good reason, or if I'm just being inordinately self-centered. If I have a good reason for being upset, then I need to determine if it is the result of my own ideas or actions. And if it's the result of my own mistakes, then I can set about amending those. But if I have a good reason to be upset and it is not the result of my own mistakes, then it means that it just happens to be my turn to be upset. Sometimes life is more Yin than Yang. Sometimes it's just going to be my turn to suffer.

If it's just my turn to suffer, then I can take relief in the fact that I don't need to amend anything, and then I can take the suffering as an opportunity to grow. After all, if I'm going to have to suffer, anyway, I may as well explore it, and see if I can use it to learn something useful about myself.

If, on the other hand, I am just being inordinately self-centered, then I need to get over myself. And this will probably mean that I need to practice at letting go of myself, for a while. There are lots of ways of doing this, spend time helping others, practice meditation that involves letting go of self-focus, conscious re-orientation, stuff like that. Usually, once I recognize that I am being inordinately self-centered, I tend to automatically want to stop it. So recognition is half the practice, and it usually only takes a couple of weeks of persistent effort to get back to balance.

The one thing I shouldn't do, however, would be to recognize that I am being inordinately self-centered, and negative, and then refuse to let go. That's perversity, and the pathway to insanity and death.

[Scarlett Wampus]

As Michel said mindfulness is a great tool. I often think of it as a capacity that can be increased more than a tool because it seems to me all of us inherently have it as a tool. So, there is a capacity to direct awareness so we can see closely what is happening and penetrate below the surface to deeper patterns. This can help anticipate things before they arise, see the roots of things when they are present and find great usefulness in retrospect when it seems things went badly. When mindfulness is together with Te, natural grace, we can work it out. However no one is so experienced that their balance isn't disturbed. In fact its vital for growth. Not to encounter disturbance at all may be indicative of a subtle avoidance of the profound. If we're truly open not only are we constantly thrown into unfamiliar situations and find ourselves struggling but mindfulness & Te themselves can uncover depth that throws the ideas about the world & ourselves we are comfortable with into confusion and conflict. No wonder there are all these suggestions that those who know appear not to; they're too busy finding a way to bring harmony to confusion & conflict to look good doing it!

Ok, now to be a bit more direct and take off the pretentious sage hat. ChrisP your description of what is happening sounds quite concurrent with things I've been going through recently. We've landed in (somewhat) similar-ish situations, as you know. And oh man has my mind been tossed around like a leaf in a storm! I've been feeling vulnerable, needy and powerless like a one and a half year old child. This has been accentuated by now having to be away from my girlfriend with the only contact being through the net for the next few months. Hmmm. All in all this romantic relationship is turning out to be the most scary, challenging, surprising, painful and disorientating I've ever had. Its also wonderful so I've been working overtime to clear the path for things to go as they go, so to speak.

Anyway, here we go. A few weeks ago I kept noticing I was quick to anger and/or become anxious. All it took was a missed opportunity to meet her online, criticism from her about something I treasure, some clumsy comment, hearing her praise another man, etc. and my feelings & reactions would be unaccustomedly strong. I was also aware that the anger & anxiety would lean me toward trying to construct defences against intimacy. Intimacy is inevitably painful at times so closing off from it is one way to do away with pain. When I thought about this I saw a very clear pattern to what was happening: the pain/sadness of separation from her and the pain/sadness of feeling rejected (in any way) were at the root of my difficulties. From this root came my frustration, from my frustration came anger & anxiety and from those came the motive to get defensive/counterattack to protect myself. I figured that if it was all rooted in pain then properly acknowledging pain when it arose as pretty much inevitable would likely help. It really did. I found it easier to center myself and the (far worse) unnecessary pain of unhelpful responses escalating from frustration were more easily avoided. As part of that I developed this little exercise that my girlfriend has adopted to at times too (somewhat similar to PureX's example. I think the language I prefer is a little kinder on my 'self' though): -

When I'm getting upset I disengage for a minute to enter into repose. I ask myself if my thoughts/feelings/actions would seem reasonable if I was looking at them from a more neutral perspective.

If they are not reasonable, i.e. they are neurotic, then I'll make an effort not to bring them up or act on them because no good will come of it. Instead I will attempt to dissolve them. Typically I'll ask things like, "If there is real love for this person, what would you wish for them?" or, "How does a man of Tao treat others?" It can take some time but it does tend to work. If I were to really be having trouble then I'd talk to someone about it or even my girlfriend if not to do so would leave her confused. Luckily I've not needed to do that yet since dissolving has been almost always possible.

If they are reasonable then I discuss them with my girlfriend and more often than not we can reassure each other and/or come to some kind of agreement. If that isn't possible then I resolve myself to live with it.

Much of it comes down to accepting that I have no control over how things might or might not work out beyond the effort to remain centered and let things go as they go. Anything else would be artificial and I so ache for things to be authentic. It doesn't mean I won't be ecstatic or torn apart by what happens; anything beautiful also invokes sadness and painful longing. However, acceptance does mean defensive responses against being moved by what happens with my girlfriend and/or potentially losing her are understood as futile. I have to submit and in doing so I submit to Tao. To paraphrase Julian of Norwich, my failings are exposed yet all shall be well and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

[michel]

Originally Posted by Scarlett Wampus

Much of it comes down to accepting that I have no control over how things might or might not work out beyond the effort to remain centered and let things go as they go. Anything else would be artificial and I so ache for things to be authentic. It doesn't mean I won't be ecstatic or torn apart by what happens; anything beautiful also invokes sadness and painful longing. However, acceptance does mean defensive responses against being moved by what happens with my girlfriend and/or potentially losing her are understood as futile. I have to submit and in doing so I submit to Tao. To paraphrase Julian of Norwich, my failings are exposed yet all shall be well and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

That sounds about right; I know the theory, putting it into practice when emotions fly is a long way off for me.

[ChrisP]

Thanks guys

Originally Posted by Scarlett Wampus

If that isn't possible then I resolve myself to live with it.

I've been at about this stage for a while, and was hoping there was a way to move past it. Apparently I just have to harden up

Pure Love is the answer ChrisP, all you do is love the basic things your neighbours, GOD, whatever your faith and your neighbours whatever their like and whatever their faith. Its easy to condem something without trying and it, and easy not to condem something that you have experienced and not enjoyed, some may disagree with me. But whatever the problem, is that problem, destroying the earth? Killing soldiers who are destroying the Intelligence of Life? killing children?etc or Betraying any of those items mentioned? Pure Love should rule this world but does not at the moment why? The Anti-Christ, Anti-God, Anti Life Lover who wants control over the masses has been arround on earth for a good while